"Ready to eat, Major?"
John opened his eyes to see Beckett standing next to the bed holding out a mug of something that was steaming. He wasn't hungry but he made himself nod acquiescence, knowing that he needed to eat to get stronger. Knowing that until he could eat, Beckett wouldn't let him out of here. So he accepted the mug and just held it for a moment, letting it warm his palms.
He had been awake for almost an hour and the pain hadn't awakened him this time, and there had been dreams but no nightmares and John remembered shooting Kolya. He had awakened to find himself still restrained but Beckett had come over and released him immediately. When John mentioned needing the bathroom, Beckett had offered him a urinal but he had refused, wanting to get out of bed. Needing to be in motion. So John had allowed Beckett to help him to the bathroom. Needed his help was more like it, but he had made it back to bed on his own. Which had worn him out. But the pain was still fuzzy, not sharp and John felt stronger. He smiled at Beckett then stared at the liquid in the cup. "What is it?" It looked almost purple and thick.
"Athosian soup, more or less," Carson replied, as he pulled up the stool. "Kind of a blend of tomato soup and gravy, texture wise, but quite tasty. So drink it."
"Right." John took a sip and it wasn't half bad, even if he couldn't identify it.
Carson studied him. "Teyla said that those who are addicted to Red Sun use this broth to help them. That it seems to ease some of the symptoms."
John realized his stomach felt less queasy. The nausea had been a rather permanent fixture that he had adjusted to, but he took another sip of the broth and felt even better. "Miracle soup."
"Drink all of it and I want you to have three mugs a day, along with your other meals. Light stuff at first." Carson looked pleased. "The soup has a ton of calories which you need, Major."
"Got it." John took another sip. "So how is that serum coming?"
Carson sighed. "Not much to report...yet. I'll let you know." He touched Sheppard's arm. "I'm focused on this, Major."
John nodded, feeling touched by Beckett's sincerity. "I know you are. Thank you."
"You're welcome. Now...I want to discuss your dosage for weaning you off the drug."
"I'm all for that." John smiled then took another sip from the mug when Carson gestured to it. He heard footsteps approaching and turned his head to see Rodney striding towards him. "You look chipper," John commented, taking in McKay's crooked smile. It was good to see someone looking happy.
Rodney looked downright smug. "I just blew Kavanaugh out of the water in front of everyone!" he crowed. "And yes...I know it's petty of me, but it feels damn good."
John chuckled. "So what did you do exactly?"
"Disproved one of his pet hypothesis on wormhole logistics."
"I don't want to know," Carson interjected, smiling at Sheppard. "Do you?"
John shook his head and it felt good to smile again. "Not really."
Rodney made a face but it was obvious he wasn't offended. He looked at Sheppard. "How are you feeling? You look...better."
"I feel better." That was all John was willing to give. He could feel the pain slipping into his veins and he knew that it would soon be twisting inside him. But he didn't want to think about that now and he took another sip of the broth.
"I need to discuss a few things with the major," Carson stated. "About weaning him off the drug."
Rodney looked at Sheppard. "Mind if I hang out?"
John shrugged. "Sure you won't be bored?"
"I'm positive I will be but...I don't have anything pressing to do at the moment." Rodney's tone was sarcastic but there was a teasing glint in his eyes as he grabbed the stool and sat down next to the bed. He then focused his attention on Beckett and waved one hand. "Go ahead. We're waiting."
"Right." Carson rolled his eyes then addressed the major. "We both know the pain will be back but I want to see how well you can control it. So...let's start with identifying the various pain levels. For instance, you seem to be rather comfortable right now. On a scale of one to ten, what would consider to be the level of pain you're experiencing at this very moment?"
John could feel his forehead furrow as he considered the question. He wanted to get better so he wanted to be as exact as he could be. After a moment he replied, "Almost a five, but it's creeping up."
Rodney looked stunned. "A five? Are you serious?"
"Yes." John was surprised by Rodney's reaction and when he looked at Beckett the doctor wore the same expression. "What?"
"That's high, Major, " Carson replied. "Given your symptoms. I thought maybe you'd tell me a low 3."
John stared at the broth in his mug. He'd managed to drink most of it and it did seem to help, but the pain was getting sharper, as if anticipating he might try to stop it in some way. Finally he replied to the unasked question that hung in the air. "Compared to what it has been...this feels almost normal." It felt as if he had never been without pain blurring the edge of his consciousness.
Rodney made a sound like a sharp exhalation. Then he turned to Beckett. "Can't you give him something for the pain? I mean...even like Tylenol? Anything has got to help."
"I can't do that, Rodney." Carson looked distressed as he turned to Sheppard. "You know I would if I could. It's bad enough how it messes with your system when I have no choice but to sedate you. Which is what I'm hoping to avoid, starting today."
"Works for me," John said softly. He was tired of all the time lost. It felt as if he would never catch up and be firmly ensconced in the present. The true reality that everyone else on Atlantis inhabited.
Carson nodded and smiled. "Okay then. What I need you to do is let me know when the pain reaches level 8. And this is very very important, Major. I don't want you to let it go any higher before I give you a dosage. The stronger you are before I inject you, the better. You follow me?"
John did and it made sense, but he could feel the itch waking up under his skin and he wasn't sure how strong he could be. But he curved his lips into a smile and nodded. "I follow. Sounds like a plan." It was hard to make his tone light, but almost worth the effort when Beckett looked relieved. Maybe this would work out and he could get out of the infirmary soon. John wanted to get back to some semblance of normal. To at least pretend that he could be normal again.
"Good." Carson looked pleased. He leaned in and peeked in the mug. "You can finish that up," he prompted.
"Later." John made to reach out and set it on the table but Beckett scooped it away from him. "I'll be back with more in a bit. Meanwhile...since Rodney is keeping you company, I'm going to head back to the lab." With a wave of one hand, Carson was off.
The pain was seeping deeper under his skin and John twitched. He curled his fingers into fists so he wouldn't scratch at it. He knew it wouldn't help. He bit his lip and shifted against the pillows, then he realized Rodney was watching him. Intently. "I don't do tricks," John whispered.
Rodney nodded. "I know. Neither do I. Rather wish I did sometimes. I always wanted to learn how to juggle."
"That's easy." John had taught himself to do that when he was ten.
"Are you serious?" Rodney looked pleased and surprised. "You can juggle?"
John nodded. "I can teach you how...maybe later. You know?" He bit his lip as the pain spiked for a moment, like a white-hot poker stabbing into his flesh.
Rodney leaned in, eyes narrowed in concern. "You okay?"
"Was I ever?" If he could joke about it maybe it wouldn't be so real. John found himself clinging to that hope with both hands. Although in truth, the fingers of one hand were wrapped around the bedrail. John hated bedrails. They felt like a cage wall closing him in.
"How bad is it?" Rodney's voice sounded hoarse.
A tiny shrug and John was relieved when the pain shimmered down to a smooth ripple instead of the jagged wave that had almost crashed over him. But it was teasing him and he knew it. He shifted again, curling into himself a bit. Not that it helped, but he was starting to get cold again.
Rodney jumped up and yanked a blanket off a nearby bed. He draped it over Sheppard. "Better?"
"Yeah...thanks." John couldn't quite manage a smile now. "So...any other tricks you want to learn?"
"Well...there is something else I wanted to learn. When I was a kid." Rodney looked embarrassed.
John was intrigued. Enough that he was able to deflect another wave of pain and he was proud of himself. He could do this. He would do this. "What is it?" he prompted.
Rodney huffed a sigh then stared down at his hands before mumbling, "Archery."
"What?" John wasn't sure he had heard him right.
"I said I wanted to learn archery." Rodney's head shot up and his tone was a bit defiant. "You know...like Robin Hood. I kinda wanted to be Robin Hood when I was a kid."
John opened his mouth to reply but bit down on his bottom lip to hold back a whimper. He had noticed the pain slithering into his nerve endings. After a moment he released his lip, feeling where his teeth had cut through and managed to whisper, "I can teach you..."
Rodney hovered a bit, looking scared. But he cleared his throat and put on a pissy tone. "You're telling me you can shoot a bow and arrow too? Do you ride horses as well?"
"Yeah." It hurt gritting out that single, stupid, word. John closed his eyes for a moment, focusing on the pain. But it dug in deeper and he saw red. It hazed over him and should have been warm, but it was icy-cold and leeched out what little heat he had managed to wrap around himself. Even the blanket felt cold and brittle, scraping over him instead of comforting him.
"Shit!" Rodney's voice shot up an octave. "It's bad already...isn't it? Level 8."
John forced his eyes open and thought he shook his head, but maybe not because Rodney was turning away from him. "No..." John begged, only he couldn't hear himself over the roar of laughter that filled his head without warning.
Rodney ran to the doorway. "BECKETT! GET YOUR ASS IN HERE NOW!"
No...no...no! John screamed in his head, but the devil laughed louder and it added to the pain that throbbed a steady beat inside him. It echoed in his heartbeat and every breath felt like fire. But he could laugh back at the devil. The devil was dead and John made a sound that was little more than a whimper, but he knew what it meant and the pain shifted, caught by surprise. He had never challenged it before. So he laughed again.
Carson came running. He saw Sheppard rocking and went to him, one hand pressing to his face.
John flinched back and opened his eyes. "Not...not...yet," he pleaded. If he could win this battle he might win the war.
"Give him the damn shot already!" Rodney snarled at Beckett. "Can't you see he's in agony?"
"No..." John begged again, but the word was strangled into a moan when the pain hit him hard, punishing him for daring to defy it. John shuddered and dug his fingers into his flesh, trying to tear through the layers of flesh so he could rip out the pain but he felt bands of sharp pain grip his wrists, forcing his arms down and then a prick of pain that barely registered and John was floating in a heartbeat and it almost took his breath away because he had forgotten what pure bliss felt like. He had forgotten that there was such a thing as no pain.
"Major?"
He opened his eyes and saw Rodney and Beckett looming over him. Worry darkened their blue eyes to muted gray. "Better..." he whispered. John closed his eyes again and took a shuddery breath. He stopped shaking and every muscle ached as he stretched out, unfurling his body from the ball he had curled up into. Suddenly he felt something soft touch his face and John opened his eyes again to see Rodney holding a soft cloth. It took a moment for John to realize he had been crying. He hadn't felt the tears.
Carson pushed Rodney aside and checked the major's pulse. "How do you feel?"
"Tired." John felt himself smiling. He felt tired but alive and at peace again. It wouldn't last this sweet bliss but he didn't care. This was better than sex. Better than flying. He could fly without a plane.
"Go to sleep, Major." Carson patted his arm.
John didn't want to miss a moment of this perfect white silence, but his eyes drifted closed and he shimmered into black.