Part 17: Reflections in a Dark Mirror
Summary:
Issues of trust re-surface for Janeway and Chakotay as Seven of Nine presents compelling evidence to suggest that all is not as it seems for Voyager's mission to the Delta Quadrant (JC)
Pairing:J/CRating: PG-13Type of Story: ReflectionLevel: 1
Part 17: Reflections in a Dark Mirror
The meal was one of silence. A far cry to the one that occurred two days ago, but then a lot had happened in two days as each of the two senior officers were reflecting as they ate.
How did we get here again? Will we ever learn? Why is it that it always seemed to come down to trust between us? Because we are so damn pig headed and strong willed. This time though, maybe it was our trust of one another that saved us in the end. She mused. We were a little slower with the accusations, a little more cautious and investigated the evidence a little more carefully. Maybe that's why we were able to realize that it was Seven's new alcove that was the source of the conspiracy of the Delta Quadrant, and not each other.
Or maybe it was our lack of trust that brought us to the point where we had to be saved. Maybe if we went to each other first then we would have never reached the point where we needed to be saved.
These thoughts were going through Kathryn's mind and she knew that they were not far from Chakotay's either. But then it would be nice, if they were talking to one another about it and not just making polite chit chat to break the silence.
Someone had to broach the subject, Kathryn decided and it may as well be her.
"I heard the strangest rumor today." She poured Chakotay and herself a cup of coffee as she broke the ice with what was really on their minds.
"Apparently, the Captain and First Officer almost came to blows."
"Mutiny?" Chakotay asked, his face was deadpan, but she knew that he was following her lead.
"First Officer walked the plank. So I heard."
"I don't believe a word of it," Chakotay replied taking a sip of his coffee.
"Me, neither." Kathryn took her seat and studied Chakotay. The silence which was always present throughout the meal threatened to over take them again.
It was Chakotay who decided that he was tired of that silence, and that the relationship between Voyager's two top Commanding Officers demanded nothing less than getting to the heart of what happened that day.
"Seven was malfunctioning," He volunteered, laying on the table what he had been grappling with. "We don't have that excuse."
"You're right. We've been through too much to stop trusting each other." Kathryn said it with a sigh and agreeing with her, Chakotay focused his attention once more on his coffee.
But before the liquid reached his lips, he stopped and peered at Kathryn through the top of the cup. "You didn't poison the coffee, did you?" His voice was as deadpan as the last time he answered her. But this time Kathryn matched it with a shrug.
"No more than usual."
They drank together and that brought an inward smile from Chakotay. It symbolized their respective belief in the trust that they built between them. They didn't even hesitate in jest. They drank.
After they had brought their cups down a second time, Chakotay began,
"You want to tell me what we're doing here again?" He asked earnestly. At the sound of his question, Kathryn rolled her head briefly back on her chair and exclaimed,
"I haven't got a clue. But what I want to know is why do we always come back to this, and why is it that every time we think we have this trust thing down, something comes up to challenge it?" Kathryn had a wry smile on her face.
"Got you beat. I want to know why is it that every time it comes up, the challenge matches the level?"
"What do you mean?" Kathryn looked at him intrigued.
"I think the first significant issue came out during The Borg/Species 8472. We got through that one, and you have to admit, we were both wrong and both right and when we finally pounded that fact through our thick heads and started working together instead of apart, we were able to escape assimilation. That dealt with a disagreement on the best way to proceed. We've had disagreements before that, but never one that called into question our trust of each other to do what's best for the crew."
"Then came the events of the Void. That built on the foundation that was laid during the Borg/Species 8472 encounter. You trusted me to carry out your direct order and do what you wanted to get the crew out of the Void and on their way home safe and sound, and I staged an intervention…"
"It was a mutiny." Kathryn's voice was gravel, but the smile on her face betrayed her true feelings. Chakotay smiled along with her.
"OK, intervention in the form of a staged mutiny."
"Oh much better." Kathryn's tone indicated that it was anything but.
"But when you gave your direct orders which you trusted me to fulfill which was to get the crew home and I did it the best way I knew how and that was to ensure that their Captain made it home with them. That was deeper than the trust issue of the last year because this had to do with you trusting me personally with yourself. Especially in aftermath of that, when you needed some help to climb out of your own personal abyss."
Kathryn smiled at the memory. "How did you know Chakotay that I'd need time by myself to heal?"
"Just by observing you over the past few years and going with my gut. That and the trust that we built up over that year. The Borg/Species 8472 incident …..at the time, I thought it tore our friendship apart, destroyed my peace and ruined our trust in each other. But in the end, it served as a stepping stone for an even deeper friendship, deeper trust and for me a deeper level and understanding of peace. That led to a deeper understanding of myself………. and you."
Kathryn sipped her coffee wrapped up in what Chakotay was saying and her eyes never left his face.
"And then there was the incident three months ago with the Equinox. I thought our trust in each other had gone too." Kathryn did look down at that point. "But it turned out that it was still in tact, because of the log entry that you left me. I took it to be an apology in the form of an explanation as well as a method for you to examine your behavior and come to resolutions. The fact that you opened yourself up to me and left me to judge you, speaks to me deeply of the level of trust that between us; you trusted me then to help you when you realized that you were flat wrong and you failed in that one instance in your Captaincy."
Kathryn was extremely quiet as he made that last statement, but to her credit, she was scrutinizing him. He didn't know what she was hoping to see in his eyes, but knowing Kathryn, she was probably looking for judgment and he gave her understanding and friendship instead. Chakotay hesitated for a second and then changed his look so as to probe her.
"It was an eye opener Captain…..that log. I never knew that you saw that many parallels between yourself and Ransom. I can understand why that incident rattled you as much as it did."
"It was just coming at me, one after the other, all the parallels and then to find out that he had chosen mass murder to get himself home. That pushed me over the edge. He told his crew they would be a Starfleet crew. He told them that they would be the arm of Starfleet in the Delta Quadrant and that they had a duty to seek out new life and new civilizations and he ended up destroying one. Would I have ended up like that if I had started off like him, with one third of the resources that we had?"
"No."
"How can you be so sure?" Kathryn was sure too, now. But she wanted to know how Chakotay could make that statement so quickly and with no hesitation.
"Because the same stubbornness and the same pride which drove you hunt Ransom down to make him stop and pay for what he was doing would have never allowed you to contemplate it. Even if someone else did, you would have never entertained the notion and would have never relinquished your captaincy to Max Burke or anyone else in any form, so that you could be brow beaten into doing it."
Kathryn poured herself another cup of coffee as she took comfort in the answer that Chakotay gave her.
"But you can't deny that the same raw material is in me that was in them. To get home by any means necessary. With the Borg/Species 8472 conflict we were both right and we were both wrong, but with the slip stream drive flight. I was completely wrong and I failed. We must not forget that. And then that same drive, that same obsession that I use in our pursuit in getting home has almost made me as much as a monster as Ransom. Noah Lessing should be dead by all counts. Sometimes there is no doubt in my mind that without you he would be. You know…." Kathryn put down her coffee cup as she spoke and as she came to her final sentence, she reached out and touched his cheek.
"You seem to have a knack for saving me from myself." Kathryn finished her sentence and after a brief moment removed her hand. "Thank you." Her eyes never left his face and her expression had softened considerably.
"You're welcome. It's what I'm here for remember." Chakotay was smiling when he said it. He took a moment after, to collect his thoughts and Kathryn knew that whatever was on his mind, he didn't want to say the wrong thing, so she gave him her full attention.
"You know, we never talked about that log you made, but I've never forgotten it."
"Why didn't you ask about it then?"
"At the time, erasure of the log conveyed the message that I wanted. To have said something about it would have sent the wrong message."
"What message did you want to send?" Kathryn was intrigued by this part of their conversation.
"Acceptance of what you told me. You revealed your self in that apology, Kathryn. When you receive something like that and you're satisfied that the incident would never occur again, satisfaction of curiosity is not worth giving the impression that you don't believe the apology or that you don't trust that it will never happen again. If the opportunity presents itself later to talk about it, then you do. But you proceed on the premise that you probably will not speak of the incident again."
Kathryn digested this as she refilled hers and Chakotay's coffee mugs. "So what made the log so memorable?"
"Your moment of clarity." Chakotay was looking dead at her, and when she averted her face, he knew that it was indeed a moment of clarity of magnitude for her. It needed no explanation.
"I know that it was a difficult one, definitely more difficult than mine have been."
"You've had them?" Slowly Kathryn turned her gaze to her First Officer
"Two since we've been here."
"Then one must have occurred when I first called you the Messenger of Great Mother, and the other happened somewhere within the first two years of us being stranded here."
Chakotay looked at her in surprise. "How did you know?."
Kathryn continued, "Well the first one I know happened because of what happened when we were trapped on New Earth. At some point before that you must have made a pledge to be at my side during this journey. And the other happened right in front of my eyes."
Chakotay supplied her with the missing information. "The first time occurred when I first told you that no matter what happens we'll make it."
Kathryn's smile lit up her face. "When we met the 37's? From since then!"
"Yes." Kathryn was still smiling as they both took a sip of coffee
"What I can't believe is that the plaque incident occurred both on your bridge and on the bridge of the Equinox. Someone in the cosmos is definitely trying to tell you something." Chakotay continued the conversation.
"I tried to run from my responsibility to the crew, as I've done before, you didn't let me. Why?"
"We were trying to get back to where we were before Ransom and Equinox came into our lives. You stopped being a distant Captain a long time ago. I wasn't going to let you go back to that. "
"Seems like having you for a First Officer rubbed off on me as much as having me for a Captain rubbed off on you."
Chakotay's smile was large. "I never got the opportunity to thank you. What you said about my being your First Officer who was not only your right hand but your conscience, who prevented you from making too many reckless choices and choices that would ultimately decrease your humanity, really touched me."
"You remember that." Kathryn was amazed. She herself had forgotten it until he mentioned it to her again.
"Some things you don't forget." Chakotay leaned on his arms, with his elbows on the table
"I'll tell you though; it was difficult during that time. I struggled a lot with what I should have done, if I should have really attempted a mutiny or not."
"Why didn't you?" Now that Kathryn had an opportunity, she asked the question that resonated in her heart for days after the incident was over.
"The question, What happens after? kept stopping me. And I couldn't; wouldn't ask any one of the crew to divide their loyalties between you and I. If I did, whether or not we were able to fend off an alien attack would be irrelevant. We would never make it home as a divided crew."
"I think the Equinox proved how right you are in that thought Commander." Kathryn said in reply.
"May I ask you something?"
"Of course"
"All throughout the time when I was in my quarters, I felt as if I had let you down, that I had broken my promise to be at your side, although to be honest, I don't what else I could have done to remain true to myself and the promise I made. But I need to know from you, if you felt, right or wrong that I broke my promise to you"
Chakotay had lowered his arms and placed the napkin from his lap on the table as he was asking Kathryn the question. His gaze was fixed on her and he forgot for a moment that his hands were still on the napkin.
"No." Kathryn said quickly and she looked down and saw his hand. Hers covered it and he turned his palm over to hold her hand and feel her connection.
"No." This time Kathryn said it slowly and firmly. "In your actions, you kept your promise to me. To the fullest." Her answer was soft and for some reason, the emotion caught his throat. He looked down and focused on their joined hands on the table. Kathryn was silent for a while and then she said.
"I also remember you were watching me that night. You said that you saw me going off with B'Elanna and Tuvok"
"I imagine that the members of the senior staff were in great need of the Messenger that night, seeing that their captain had gone off the deep end." A guilty look passed over Kathryn's face.
"Actually, they found me and I had these odd conversations about how good a command team we were." Chakotay pulled at their joined hands to pull Kathryn out of her mood. He needn't have bothered, because Kathryn's hands flew to her mouth as she started laughing.
It was contagious and soon, Chakotay found that he was laughing with her.
"What's….what's so funny?" He managed to get out.
"I got the same thing from Tom and Harry." She said as soon as she sobered up.
Chakotay looked at her in wonder. "Mine was from Neelix, B'Elanna and would you believe Tuvok"
"Actually yes I would believe it." Kathryn replied.
"And even Gilmore." Kathryn stopped giggling and got serious and curious. "Gilmore? She was on the ship for less than 24hours at that time, what could she possibly say?"
"Well not much, but apparently our crew has plenty to say. She got the impression that we did really function as one unit, although the entire crew knew who was the Captain and who was the First Officer when it came down to it. However, my reputation as Messenger did get around, or maybe Gilmore felt that she made a connection with me first, but she started bending my ear that very night. And I've heard that when it comes to business, I'm just as demanding as you are, although off duty, I'm just a really nice guy."
"hmm" Kathryn mused. "It seemed like everyone I talked to had one agenda. And that was to make sure that the Captain and First Officer had the maintain the relationship that they had before the incident. And that was more than just Captain and First Officer, but best friends."
"You know….." Kathryn studied Chakotay with steadfast eyes"…I never, even doubted that we would get back to where we were before. I knew that it would be difficult for a while, and I knew that it would ask me to do a lot of things that I am not accustomed doing but I also knew that I would do whatever it took to get us back to where we were before."
"So did I. But the Senior Officers who were on the bridge during the time of crisis seemed so concerned that we would just give up on our friendship like that. That was never really a fear in my mind. You slipped Kathryn, and I wanted to make sure that you knew that I was there to help you get back up, whatever way you wanted help. But I never doubted for an instant that you wouldn't. And that would have been the only thing that would have made me give up on our friendship."
"I knew that you would be there, giving me a chance and helping me to get back to where I needed to be. I never doubted that we wouldn't be this close again. But I must admit, I didn't think it would have happened as soon as it did."
"We've been through too much to accept anything less from each other. The crew just doesn't know how much. They know that we've been together in the experiences that have forged us in this quadrant and sometimes that doesn't seem like it's enough, especially the way we had to get through them. But they don't know about the quiet moments that have really refined our friendship. If they did, maybe they would have realized that they had nothing to fear……"
"Or everything," Kathryn countered. "I think they'd wonder if we were crazy." Chakotay chuckled at that.
"Crazy or not, we are who we are, together and apart. And don't forget this is the relationship that they went out of their way to let us know it was working and it was something that we needed to protect."
"But the fact remains, what happened to us yesterday? After all we have said just now, why did we stop trusting each other?"
"For me." Chakotay gave a huge sigh as he leaned back in his chair. "It was because Seven pushed all the right buttons. I just couldn't ignore it."
"You could have told me."
"And so could you, why didn't you?"
"I didn't want to make an accusation……."
"Until I had time to examine the evidence." Chakotay finished for her. "So I went to the Cargo bay to check out the information that Seven had obtained……."
"Which is what I was preparing to do when I came in and saw you there already. OK, so what was that comment on the bridge about?"
"A joke" Chakotay deadpanned again, but this time his eyes were twinkling.
"You weren't laughing." But Kathryn right then was smiling
"But I trusted you in the end."
"Yes you did." Kathryn acknowledged.
"This is the last time we're going through this?" It was a question, but Kathryn knew it was also a promise.
"Yes it is." So was her answer
The end
Part 18: Contact
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