John could feel someone watching him. He knew it was Rodney. So John opened his eyes and he winced to see the bruise on Rodney's face. Reflexively he curled his fingers into a fist, feeling the skin tighten and the jolting pain of bruised knuckles. "I'm sorry," John whispered.

Rodney got up from the cot and moved to the bed. "It's okay. It wasn't you."

"Yes...it was." It hurt John to admit that. Because he didn't recognize who he was anymore but he couldn't change who he was now either. What he had become. A stranger to himself.

"Are you hungry?" Rodney changed the subject, looking hopeful.

John wasn't, but he nodded anyway. "A little." His arms felt shaky as he pushed himself upright against the pillows. John watched Rodney walk into the other room and he was back a moment later with a couple of power bars and a bottle of water.

Rodney held out the powerbars. "Pick your favorite."

"Considering how much I hate these things, that might be hard to do," John teased, even as he took the strawberry one. He knew Rodney liked the chocolate ones best.

"You need all the vitamins and stuff. Beckett told me that once you're past this, he's going to put you on a vitamin regime." All this was spoken between bites of Power bar, with Rodney swiping the crumbs from his mouth with the back of one hand.

John winced as he opened his own package and made himself take a bite. He managed to swallow it and he was more than a little surprised when it stayed down. But he had to take a long swig of water before he could handle another bite. "Vitamins are overrated," John countered.

Rodney nodded. "I have to agree with you there. But Carson swears by them."

"Yeah." John realized he couldn't handle this small talk until he cleared the air between them. "Rodney..." he began.

"Just let it go!" Rodney interjected, and he sounded pissed.

John stared at him in surprise. "I don't know if I can."

There was a trashcan nearby and Rodney tossed the foil from his powerbar into it, before turning to glare at Sheppard. "What happened, happened, Major. You hit me and I survived. I didn't even whine about it, even though it hurt like hell! But my point is that you weren't in control of yourself so stop apologizing. Okay?"

"Okay." John didn't know what else to say after that. And he didn't want to upset Rodney further. So he took another bite of the powerbar before conceding defeat, and he was relieved when Rodney simply took the leftover bit and tossed it. "Want to play cards?" John asked. Their last attempt had been less than successful and he needed the distraction. The pain was still there, smoldering beneath his skin. The itch was strangely absent, which actually made John a little nervous. So he wanted to focus on something else. "You can pick the game."

"Rummy," Rodney replied, without hesitation. Then he disappeared only to return with the cards.

John frowned at Rodney when he settled in at the foot of his bed. "Aren't we going to use the table?"

Rodney didn't look up from the cards he was shuffling. "No. You need to rest. We can play here." He dealt out their cards then studied his own hand. "Go."

"Want to make a bet?" John asked, even as he played his first card.

"You can't bet on Rummy," Rodney scoffed. He played his card and looked a bit smug.

John snorted. "You can bet on anything, Rodney." He would have explained further but a sudden jolt of pain sucked the air out of his lungs and John curled into himself, bending the cards as his fingers closed into fists.

Rodney went pale. "What can I do?"

"N-nothing.." John whispered. He tried to ride out the wave of the pain, letting it ripple through him, but it didn't rise into a crest and ebb away. It simply spread out, seeping into his veins and into his pores, sucking a whimper out of him. John closed his eyes but opened them when the image of Kolya's face danced behind his lids. But a blurred face loomed over him and John tried to scrabble back, but the pain had locked his muscles into place and he remembered this clearly. Remembered feeling this way day after day. He remembered the way Kolya's voice had grated in his ear. How Kolya's touch had been like a brand burning into his skin. scarring him for life.

"Major!" Rodney was beside him, hands on his shoulders.

John tried to focus on him, on Rodney's voice, but all he could hear was Kolya's laughter, mocking him. "No...no...no...no...please stop...please.."

Rodney panicked. "What's wrong, Major? You have to tell me what's wrong."

"Is she dead? Did I kill her? Please...please tell me." John realized even as he asked the question that he was slipping away. The pain had wrapped around him and it was pulling him into that other place. Into that cold hell that had been John's home for what seemed like an eternity. He knew he would never escape it.

"Is who dead?" Rodney prompted, and he was still clutching Sheppard's shoulders.

John couldn't remember who. Everyone was dead anyway. Kolya had told him so. And John had killed them. All of them. Rodney and Teyla and Ford and Weir. He had killed Elizabeth. John could see her body lying lifeless on the floor. A bullet hole between her eyes. "No...NO!" He shook his head to make the image of her go away.

Rodney gripped Sheppard harder and shook him. "Major...it's me! It's Rodney! Talk to me, Major. Who do you think died?"

"Elizabeth." John whispered her name.

"She's not dead."

John wanted to believe that. "I killed her."

Rodney shook him again. "She's not dead! I swear to you...Elizabeth is alive and well!"

"I killed her..." The pain seared beneath his skin and John bit his lip to keep from crying out. Kolya laughed when he begged. So John had stopped begging.

"Elizabeth is not dead!" Rodney looked scared now.

The pain curled in his belly, twisting into knots, and John felt a cold sweat sheen his skin. He felt himself start shake and he was so tired of this. He was supposed to be free. It wasn't supposed to be like this. He couldn't do this again. But maybe he could still be free. Kolya had offered him his gun, curling John's fingers around it even. He had smiled as he waited for John to pull the trigger. He had wanted him to put a bullet in his own head. But John had turned the gun on Kolya, and even with his hand shaking he knew he wouldn't miss the bastard. But when he had pulled the trigger, the chamber had clicked on empty. Just like he was. Empty inside.

John blinked hard and Rodney's face came into focus. "Please..." he whispered.

"Please what?" Rodney looked almost hopeful. "What is it, Major? Can I get you something? Just ask...I get it for you."

"I can't...I can't do this, Rodney." John closed his eyes against the sting of tears. He was too tired to fight anymore.

Rodney shook his head. "I know you can do this, Major. You made it through before and you'll do it again."

John felt a tear slide down his face. "No...more." The pain twisted, piercing through him and twisting viciously and John felt his body arch up off the bed. He felt his muscles shudder then cramp up and he choked on a sob. "Please...make it stop!" John had begged to Kolya so he could beg now. "Rodney...please...make it stop. Please."

"You just have to ride it out, Major." Rodney was on the bed now, pulling John up into his arms.

"No..." John bit his lip, drawing blood, arching again as the knife blade of pain dug deeper. He couldn't remember it being this bad before. He wasn't strong enough to fight it. "Kill me..." he breathed the words, exhaling them from a throat that felt thick and raw and swollen.

Rodney frowned then bent his head. "What did you say?"

John took a deep breath and whispered, "Kill me...please."

Rodney made a choked sound and closed his eyes.