The pain was burrowing deeper into John. It had latched onto every breath he took, making him shudder as he sucked in oxygen and expelled it in searing gasps. His chest felt tight and every muscle felt swollen and throbbing and the blood in his vein was pure fire. He couldn't do this. He couldn't survive this. He didn't want to. "Please...please..." John was sobbing and the tears on his face burned.
"NO!" Rodney shifted back, stilling holding Sheppard, but shaking him a bit. "NO Dammit! I won't kill you! I won't let you die! You can do this, Major! Fight it!"
"C-can't…tired.." It was so hard to force out the words. His throat felt raw and tight and the sound echoed loudly in his head, making the pain vibrate throughout his body. But he had to make Rodney understand. "N-no...more..."
Rodney held him as he shuddered uncontrollably. "I'll call Beckett. It will be okay, Major. I promise."
John knew it was a promise Rodney couldn't keep. He was dying anyway. He could hear Kolya laughing and it made him angry to know that the bastard would win. But the pain was stronger than the anger and John couldn't fight back.
"Don't give up! Goddamit! Do you hear me? Major!" Rodney's voice went from angry to panicked. "Sheppard? Look at me! Oh God...oh God!" Rodney laid Sheppard down and ran into the other room.
"S-sorry..." John whispered. He knew he was alone. He could feel it. The pain was all he had, all he would ever be. It wrapped around him like a shroud, rippling over his skin as it tightened. And then everything faded to black.
Elizabeth entered the infirmary. She felt tears sting her eyes as she stared at the figure on the bed. Rodney had hit the panic button three days ago and John had nearly died. They had almost lost him. As it was, he was in a coma and Carson could not reassure them that he would wake up. Nor could he predict what the major's condition would be if...when...he did. It was hard for them all to see him like this. So still and pale and fragile. But Elizabeth knew it was hardest on Rodney.
Not surprisingly, he was ensconced in the chair next to Sheppard's bed. There was a small cot on the other side, where Rodney slept at night. He hadn't left, other than to shower, since the major had collapsed. Rodney wouldn't talk to anyone about what had happened. Nor would he give up on Sheppard. He sat with him, tapping away on his laptop and chattering a mile a minute. And he glowered at anyone who came to visit that dared to be anything but positive around the major. In fact, it was Rodney who insisted that everyone visit daily and sit with Sheppard. To talk to him. And Elizabeth was here now, to do just that. "Hi, Rodney." She touched his shoulder as she reached him.
"Elizabeth." Rodney smiled, although it was a bit strained, and got up from the chair. "While you're with him I'll go grab a shower and something to eat. I won't be long."
"Okay." She didn't argue with him. Whatever it took to get him through this, she would allow it. For now. Until there was no hope left. But Elizabeth wanted to believe that Sheppard would pull through this. He was the strongest man she knew. She ignored the chair in favor of standing next to the bed. Elizabeth bypassed all the tubes and wires coming out of the major and reached for his hand. She curled her fingers, gently, over his. "Hi, John. It's Elizabeth. That's one hell of a nap you're taking, you know that? But I need you to wake up. Soon. I need you, major. Atlantis needs you. I know you've been hearing that a lot the past few days, and I think Rodney is right. You do hear us. But do you listen?" Elizabeth smiled at her own question. She had wondered that in the past when dealing with Sheppard. But in her heart she knew that he always heard what was said to him. Even when it didn't look like he was paying attention, Major Sheppard was always listening.
Elizabeth reached out with her free hand to smooth a lock of dark hair off his forehead. She wished he would open his eyes now. She missed seeing the glow of mischief in the green-hazel depths. That spark of life that glittered there always. He wasn't meant to be like this. "Lt. Ford is doing a good job running things, but it's wearing on him. I know it wore on you too. You never asked for this, but you sure stepped up when I needed you too. We might not always see eye to eye, major, but I know we both do what we do with the belief in our hearts that it's the right thing to do at the time. I admire you for that. Because you always follow your heart, John. Well...tempered by a little bit of instinct and the belief that things will work out in the end. And they do. Maybe not the way we'd like, but that's life and you need to come back to live it. With us." Elizabeth realized she was getting a bit maudlin and that a tear was sliding down her face. She brushed it away and smiled. "Bottomline...it's time to get back to work, major." Elizabeth squeezed his hand then moved to sit in the chair. On the bedtable was his book, War and Peace. She reached for it and began to read. Always starting at page one. She would never go past where he had left off. If he wanted to know how it ended, he would have to wake up and read it for himself.
Ford sat on the edge of the chair, his hat clutched in his hands. He couldn't quite look at the figure lying in the bed, so he stared at his feet as he spoke. "Me again, sir. Ford. I...um...I...there's something I've been wanting to say to you since Sumner died. I wanted you to know I don't blame you for what happened. I know you had no choice, but I get the feeling that you blame yourself. You shouldn't. I think about it a lot, about the Colonel dying. He was a good man. A good soldier. But I think what happened...it happened for a reason. I think you were meant to step up and take his place. This is going to sound stupid...but I think you belong here, sir. I think you're a part of Atlantis. And not just because you have the gene either. You just...fit...here." Ford looked up now, as if willing the major to open his eyes and argue the point with him. He sighed when the figure remained still. "You need to come back, sir. I can't do your job. I don't want to do it. So...if you could wake up soon...that would be great." Ford stood up and shuffled over to the bed. He laid one hand on the major's shoulder and squeezed it. "I miss you, sir," he said softly.
Then he turned and walked away.
Carson checked the major's vitals. His fever had finally broken and there had been a moment of hope. But Sheppard remained sleeping. "You're a hard man to figure, Major," Carson said as he took his pulse the old fashioned way. "Ornery as they come, but most of the time for a good reason. You're missed, laddie. I doubt you realize how much or you'd be opening them eyes already."
Moving to the other side of the bed, Carson checked the IV's. "You've been good for Rodney. Bet you didn't know that. But you have been. He's got someone to snark with that doesn't take offense. And he'll never admit it but he's delighted that you're smart to boot. Myself...I have to admit to a certain fondness for watching the two of you go at it. Pure entertainment you are." Carson chuckled softly, but it faded as he stared down at Sheppard's pale face. He heaved a sigh. "You've fought so hard, laddie. For everyone here. To keep us all alive. And when that Wraith buggy had you...you never gave up. Not once. So don't be giving up now, Major. We need you too much for you to let go." That said, Carson patted Sheppard on the arm, then he headed out, dropping a blanket over Rodney, who was snoring away on the small cot.
Teyla felt a tear slide down her face as she stood next to Sheppard's bedside. But she was smiling as she spoke. "I remember well the first time we met. I have not told you this, but I was struck by your beauty. And it was more than how physically pleasing you are, Major. You're heart is beautiful, major. The passion that is within you is beautiful as well. You value life and you value people and you were the first of your kind to look at me, not through me. I know that you respect me as a leader and a warrior, and that means more to me that you know. I admire the way you never give up, so please...Major...do not give up now. You are the strongest man I have ever known and it has been my pleasure to work with you. I wish to continue to do so."
Another tear slid down her face and Teyla wiped it away with the back of one hand. Then she moved closer, easing past the tubes and wires, so that she could rise on tiptoe and lean over the bed until her forehead was pressed against Sheppard. "You have found a place in my heart, Major. But it feels empty right now...my friend." Easing back, Teyla studied him for a moment, then she turned and left, wiping away more tears.
"Do you remember on the Jumper when we were all so close to dying?" Rodney was pacing as he talked, pacing and waving his hands around. It had been five days and Sheppard still hadn't opened his eyes and Rodney was beginning to be afraid he never would. But Rodney had learned not to give up without a fight, and he had learned that from the major. "I was scared to death...of course you know that. But what you did...what you said...that helped. You always know how to keep me focused. And I'll tell you a secret...I admired you that day. I mean...you were dying before the rest of us but your first thought was to find a way to get that bug off so you could help me save Stackhouse and Markham. And I heard you when you first woke up after we got stuck. How you asked Teyla if she was okay. You always do that kind of thing. You always worry about everyone else first. That's something worth admiring."
Rodney stopped rambling and pulled the stool over to the bed and sat down. He reached for Sheppard's hand, being careful of the IV. He felt the need to be connected to him. The beep-beep of the machinery grated on Rodney's nerves. Sheppard didn't belong here. He didn't need to be here. "Wake up, dammit! You've been asleep long enough, Major!" Rodney was getting angry. He was so damn tired and so damn scared. He made to stand up to start pacing again but he thought he felt something against his hand. "Major?" Rodney stared at his still face. "If you can hear me...and I know you can...squeeze my hand." Rodney held his breath as he waited. But nothing happened. He closed his eyes against the sting of tears when he felt it. Sheppard's fingers twitched and then the closed over his. A week grip but it was there. It was real.
"Thank you.." Rodney realized he was almost sobbing and he snuffled back the tears. He squeezed Sheppard's hand in return and couldn't keep the smile off his face. "I knew you were still fighting. I knew it." He inhaled a shuddery breath then bellowed, "CARSON! GET YOU ASS IN HERE! MAJOR SHEPPARD IS AWAKE!"
Not ten seconds later the area was filled with medical personnel and Rodney was shoved into a corner. But he didn't care. He could still feel Sheppard's grip on his hand and that was all that mattered. Major John Sheppard hadn't tossed in the towel. He would live to fight another day and another and... Rodney shut down his own thoughts as he slid down the wall and sat on the floor. Then he buried his face in his hands and cried.