Part 19: Remember
Summary:
The members of the away team deal with the aftermath of implanted memories of a massacre (JC, P/T, K/G, N, NaSa)
Pairing:JC, P/T, KG, N, NaSa Rating: PG-13 Type of Story: Reflective Level: 1
Part 19: Remember
"All hands this is the Captain. We have discovered that the experiences of a massacre that we all remember have been implanted into our brains by a neurogenic field emanating from a planet in this system. We have found evidence that proves that this massacre took place over 300 years ago. This means that we were in no way responsible for the murder of 82 innocent civilians, nor even coerced into performing such a hideous act. I know that this gives all of you as much comfort as it gives me. Unfortunately, these memories are permanent and cannot be removed.
As your Captain, I would like to suggest that this maybe a good thing. We have discovered a memorial on the planet surface which seeks to convey this experience to strangers, because the power of experiences can change a person more than the power of words. The Memorial was constructed in order for aliens to experience for themselves the massacre on Duralis and make the experience their own; to learn from it and never to repeat it.
This massacre may have occurred 300 years ago, but the lesson is still relevant today. Take the experience and make it your own. Let it speak to you and make you a better person for what you have experienced and what you have learnt from that experience."
This time it was Tom who stood outside the door of B'Elanna's quarters. He was nervous and he hesitated before ringing the chime. He had a lot to apologize for. Sometimes he wondered if he and B'Elanna would ever get past all the emotional baggage that they both carried around and let each other in to the part of themselves that they despised the most. The part of themselves that was most in need of the other's love.
They had been through so much together and at the beginning of this year they had become closer than they were before. On B'Elanna's end, she was reaching out more, her near death experience had changed her so much and he was very grateful for it. But he was also scared. Her openness would demand reciprocation on a whole new level and he wasn't too sure if he was ready for that yet. Or maybe he was, and it was just that he was scared of the kind of change that it would call forth from him; or the fact that the last of his hiding places in his psyche would now be open to her for scrutiny.
There was one thing that Ensign Paris knew for sure. He was more scared of losing her than of losing his defences. He was in the process of realizing that and letting it show in his actions. Sometimes though, under stress the back peddled. Just as he did two days ago.
The door opened and revealed B'Elanna.
"Hey." He said tentatively.
"Hey yourself." She answered him, it was warm but cautious.
"May I come in?" B'Elanna stepped aside and gestured for him to come in. He did, but he didn't go any further than three feet into her quarters. She looked up at him expectantly.
"I came to say I'm sorry." Tom didn't touch her and B'Elanna made no move to touch him either. But she showed on her face the hurt that he had caused her. She had tried so hard to be a good lover to him, a good friend and he had pushed her away so hard that she had been hurt deeply. And it would call forth from him a lot to try to begin to make it up to her.
He made himself look into her eyes.
"I couldn't deal……wouldn't deal with the lives of 82 other innocent people on my conscience. Not after everything that I've tried to do with my life since being here, all the changes that I thought were for the better. Finding out that I had done this by my memories………it was more than I could bear."
"I didn't believe, couldn't believe that you would have anything to do with this voluntarily. How could you even believe that it was your fault, that you would commit such a terrible act of murder?"
"I've done it before." His eyes were hollow and B'Elanna realized that he sounded and looked exactly has he did two days ago.
She understood and she took his hands.
"You made a mistake all those years ago. When are you going to stop punishing yourself and star forgiving yourself?"
"I don't know."
The answer came out of his mouth involuntarily and Tom realized with a start how much he longed to invite her into that place in himself that was forever scarred by that incident. He wasn't ready for that yet, though. With all the strides that he had taken, the self-respect that he had found on Voyager, the friendship that he had made and the relationship that he had with her, he still couldn't let go completely of the guilt that he felt over the incident at Caldek Prime and the way it made him feel unworthy of her.
Tom bit back the response that came automatically to his mind because he realized that he was trying to hide in it.
"Forgive me." He simply said instead.
"You don't have to even ask." B'Elanna brought her lips to his for a gentle kiss. Tom let that kiss touch him in the part of him that hurt the most and when she was finished she looked again into his eyes and this time Tom allowed her to see what he thought that he wasn't ready to share with her yet. B'Elanna began to understand and embraced her lover with all her might.
Tom leaned into her embrace and let her warmth begin to chase away the darkest shadows in his soul.
"Computer locate Ensign Harry Kim."
"Ensign Kim is in shuttle craft Armstrong."
Harry heard the shuttle doors opening and turned to see who had come to intrude on his thoughts. He was a little surprised to see crewman Marla Gilmore.
"Help you with something Marla?" His voice was hollow and Marla saw how right she was to come and find him.
"Actually I came to see for myself how you were holding up. I know it must have been rough."
"I'm fine." Harry opened his tricorder and tapped the buttons pretending to work, but Marla knew he was just trying to get rid of her politely, but she also knew that she wasn't going anywhere.
"No you aren't and don't try to tell to convince me otherwise. I know about killing. This whole experience is eating at your soul."
"Well I suppose it's not bothering you too much, seeing as you have already committed cold blooded murder many times."
If it had been any one else, Marla would have put on a stiff face and walked off. She would gone into a fit of depression or maybe if it had been over the last month, she would have ignored the person making that comment. This was Harry, the person who had gone out of his way to be her friend; it hurt and she allowed that hurt to show on her face.
Harry cursed himself. His experiences were affecting him and he was having a hard time preventing the bitterness from spilling out to others.
"I'm sorry."
"You should be and you're right, it doesn't bother me as much as it does the rest of your crew. In fact I would think that there are five of us who got off pretty easy compared to every one else. I wish it wasn't so."
"Believe me, you don't." Harry was looking at her and he uttered the last statement vehemently. He didn't think what the Captain had decided to do was right. He didn't want anyone else to have to go through what he did.
"Yes, I do. We are surviving this because we are murderers, there is no other way to put it. We've had experience in shutting down and doing what was necessary to hide the truth and to survive. They are attributes that served us well during this crisis, but I wish dearly that I was struggling with it as much as you are. It would mean that my humanity would still be intact instead of being lost and me struggling to find it."
Marla got up to leave but turned back to Harry with this thought.
"Don't let it make you become bitter Harry. It's a good lesson and the greatest memorial they could have ever built to the settlers. I'm sure that if we had run into this planet when we were in the Equinox before we began harvesting aliens, we would have made another set of choices and found another way home a lot sooner than we did."
The intensity in her eyes got to Harry and he reached out and touched her hand.
"Thanks."
"For what?"
"For coming to see how I was doing and, for telling me what you did. I know how difficult this transition has been for you and I want you to know I appreciate it. And Gilmore….."
"Yes?"
"I'd say you're doing a pretty good job in reclaiming your humanity."
Marla smiled at him and made her way out of the shuttle leaving Harry lost in thought, but a little lighter in spirit.
"Hi,"
"Neelix, Neelix….." Naomi ran up to him and gave him a big hug.
"I tried to see you and Seven told me that you didn't want me to, I wanted to come and see that you were better. Are you better Uncle Neelix?"
Naomi had caught Neelix up in a bear hug and he realized that he had been agonizing over nothing. He literally had to peel Naomi off of him to talk to her.
"I'm sorry for everything I've done Naomi and I want you to know that I was only trying to protect you. I would have never hurt you."
"I know that silly." Naomi playfully hit him and then began dragging him to her room.
'Come play Kadis-Kot with me?"
"Naomi, Neelix only stopped by for a little while and besides it's almost bed time." Samantha was smiling at the door watching the exchange.
"Please Neelix? Please Mommy?"
Both of them knew they were silly putty in Naomi's hand after having survived a harrowing experience and especially when Naomi got in that state.
They smiled and Naomi clapped her hands because she knew she had gotten her way.
"Come."
The quarters were dark and Chakotay didn't bother to illuminate it. He knew who was at the door without asking the computer; thus he knew that his command presence was not required.
Kathryn was taken aback when she saw Chakotay sitting in the dark with only candles to illuminate his quarters. It took a while for her eyes to adjust to the light. Chakotay's eyes however had been functioning in the dark for about 20 minutes so he didn't need light to see the bottle of Irish Whisky that Kathryn had her in hand.
But as Kathryn noted, he already had a glass of beer in his.
"Well I guess we can both tell what kind of day this has been." She put the bottle down and went to the replicator and ordered one glass with ice. She returned with the glasses and set them down on the table, taking a seat on the couch next to him. Chakotay took a long swig of his ale.
"Synthehol?" Kathryn asked
"No. It's the real thing." Chakotay did not have to see Kathryn's raised eyebrows. He knew that they were there.
"I know that repairing that memorial has not been one of my more popular decisions with the crew. But I did what I thought was right."
"I know." Chakotay's face was set and he shifted his gaze from her to the view port. Kathryn poured herself a drink and began sipping it. Chakotay did the same from his ale and for a time they watched the stars streak past the port, signalling Voyager's continuing journey home.
Finally Chakotay broke the silence.
"Was there something that you wanted to talk about?"
"No, I just came to see how you were doing."
For an answer Chakotay took another swig of his beer.
"I know that hasn't been easy on anyone including me. But you and the other members of the away team have had to deal with the images the longest. I just wanted to see for myself, how you were holding up."
Chakotay nodded. He finished his beer and sat the glass down on the table.
"Even though I'm not the one who started it, it isn't easy to live with the knowledge that you have neither the guts nor the will to stop a massacre. And there are some other after effects……." He said carefully.
"I know this experience has you a little more disquiet, a little more not at peace with yourself again."
There was a faint smile on Chakotay's part. He didn't know why he even bothered to try to pick his words with Kathryn . She knew him too well.
Kathryn rested her hand on his leg.
"It will take time."
"I know." He covered her hand with his and she took it. They finished their drinks.
"I better get to my quarters." Kathryn stood up, but Chakotay refused to release her. She looked down questioningly at their joined hands.
"I can drop you off, I'm going for a stroll around the ship."
"Want some company?" Kathryn asked as he stood.
Together they did just that. They stopped off at the Messhall, Engineering, Astrometrics, Stella Cartograpy and if anyone was puzzled, no one thought to ask why their commanding officers were making an informal inspection at 23:00 hours at night. Kathryn and Chakotay talked to the crew and to each other along the way. Not about anything more personal than ship systems and crew morale, but it was enough. By the time Chakotay dropped Kathryn to her quarters, he felt much better.
"May I come in?"
Kathryn gave a questioning look but stepped aside to let him in.
He gave her a kiss on the cheek and smiled.
"I didn't want anyone to see that….Thank you."
"I'll see you in the morning."
"Good night Captain."
The end.
Part 20: Lost and Found