Title: So Unaware of the World

Pairing: Ada/Ruby

Thanks: Yay for my friends & reviewers; Jack, Silenced Dreams, McKay1, a hodge in the hill, YouthfulRed & anyone else I may have forgotten. I appreciate you taking time to tell me your thoughts. And Vikki Kelly, because honestly, if it weren't for her constant encouragement, you can bet this story would be dead.

Notes: Written in a disarray to distract myself from things. Updates are going to be few and far between for a while because there's a lot of shit going on with me and I really just need to take some time off from everything. Somewhere in between I'd like to possibly re-write several portions of this fic…it could be just me, but I've also heard it from others, that it's becoming a bit out of character. In a way I saw it as character development but I think it went wrong somewhere in between. This story does need a lot of work, I'm aware, but thank you for the criticism, I need and thrive on it 3

I'm going to write a ficlet based on this chapter alone…there's so much more depth to it I wanted to get across, but not overtake the story with. This is sort of an outline, I guess. Eh, I dunno. You can also blame Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back for distracting me, too. And today Dec 26th marks exactly a year ago that I saw Cold Mountain for the first time. Something random I noticed while reading old journal entries. But um…this chapter is sort of random, but it needed done eventually. You can see why it's rated R now.

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It hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time.

"I love you, darlin'…." Ada whispered, still hazy from dozing. Though it wasn't much of a doze, if anything it was some sick way of torture, asking so much out of her as to go to sleep, which would only plague her with dreams of things she wanted to rid from her thoughts. She tilted her head back enough so that she could see Ruby, who looked just as tired as she did. Ruby smiled lazily and laid her head back against the pillow, still stroking Ada's hair, a motion so simple and almost careless was laced with an underlying feeling. Ada closed her eyes and stared down again, not sure what there was to say or do anymore.

Ruby remained still, running her fingers along her temple and through her hair. She let her fingers meander down her neck, eventually reaching her tense shoulders, rubbing her thumbs over protruding shoulder blades before moving back up to her shoulders, kneading more bone and skin than muscle. She was getting thin again. She wasn't eating. It couldn't be blamed on the letters any longer, it seemed she had long given up putting herself through such an ordeal since the piano was gone, though she still checked the mail diligently as ever. Perhaps receiving any notice of his existence would encourage her again, though Ruby still had herself convinced, yet still wishing to know for sure, that he was long dead. She became sick of her frail figure and went back to her hair again, the braid had long fallen out. Not being able to see her face, to not know whether or not she was still crying, came to be a concern to her. Sighing to herself, she ran her hands along her arms, before wrapped them around her waist and pulling her closer, her fingers between the crevasses of her ribs, it had of hurt. Ada was still, as if nothing had happened, all to lost in her own thoughts for her own good. She leaned into her, kissing her lightly along her jaw line, yet she still remained still.

Ada felt the kisses along her face, but chose to ignore it. She would let it continue, which it did, until the kisses were along her neck and collarbone. The only movement at all was that of her heart beating in her throat and the slow and steady rising of her chest. There was nothing that could be said that would evoke the right emotion from either of them; silence defining her thoughts seemed to express them, anyway. It was that moment that she had stopped kissing her and trailing her eyelashes along her cheek. She pulled her arms out from around her and shifted her weight, threatening to leave.

"Don't. I want you here," was all she managed to say, still not looking at her, still fixating herself on the design pattern of the quilt on which they were laying on. "Please. Just…just for tonight. I don't want to be alone." Ada reached behind her, running her hand along Ruby's arm until she took hold of her hand. She held it tight. She was so warm compared to her own blue hands, doubting herself if she could have made it through the night without someone so warm against her. "Please don't go," her voice wasn't even that of a plead; it was solemn with hinted uncertainty. There was just a hunger inside of her, yearning for nothing more than to be close to someone, someone who cared for her in such a way to let her forget such things. She turned herself around so that she was facing Ruby again, forcing herself to make eye contact for any length of time.

"I...I don' want you to do anythin' you don' wan'to…"

"I don't even know what I want anymore…." Ada trailed off, looking to the quilt again, ending with a heaving sigh.

Ruby didn't want this, not like this. She wanted it to something meaningful, but to Ada, she supposed it was. She didn't want to regret it in the morning, having to get up in the middle of the night and go elsewhere to distract herself. But this wasn't about her anymore, though it had started out that way. Maybe Ada knew, out of lustful confusion she was just giving in. She was guilt stricken now, making someone so jaded do such a thing.

What began as a tangle of kisses, heavy breathing and warn skin against skin ended with their bodies pressed together under the quilt and their nightgowns tossed to the floor.

They lied in unspoken solace afterward, no words came between them. Their breathing had slowed but their hearts still raced, the beating echoing off the silent walls. They both lay still, several inches away, staring at the ceiling in the waning light of the candle.

"Never again," were the only words that escaped Ada within the moment. Ruby said nothing in return, just rolled over so that she could face her. She inched closer so that her eyelashes batted against her cheek. Ada remained motionless for a while before letting the sigh escape her throat. "It's alright," she whispered. She pulled the quilt over them before they both drifted off, entwined once more. This didn't mean anything and would be forgotten in the morning and days to come.

Though her vision was blurry from just waking, Ruby could make out Ada sitting on the edge of the bedside, her head in her hands, her cheeks burned red. She wasn't crying, she was still in the process of fighting it. Ruby inched over and rested her head on her shoulder. Ada paid no mind, except to push back the hair dangling in front of her eyes.

"It's alright," she repeated from the night before. She knew this would happen again, it couldn't be avoided. So that was what all of what they had said and done was leading up to, it seemed irrational, if not a tad stupid and senseless. But it was love, nonetheless, something they both lacked and wanted, and there it was, right in front of both of them. In it's purest form, with no one to critisize the acts as that of lust of which they felt to be.

The days to follow were silent, yet they still carried on conversations laced with no meaning. They still talked of the daily chores and what crops needed planted when, but neither of them paid mind to it. The words were just there for a filler, so that something could be said. Yet in the night, they lay together, entwined and unplanned.

For five days, their bliss lingered. Everything was completely perfect in a way that could never be spoken of. What they had was theirs, no one else could see it or take it away, because no one else would ever know. Even after Sally had gone home and Ruby had her room back, there were a couple of nights in which she crept in bed with Ada again.

It hadn't been the first time they had caught deserters trying to steal food or livestock, usually they waited until the cover of darkness to steal and escape, but there was one who had got caught in the corncrib. It was Ruby who had caught sight of him, his arm stuck in the corncrib, yelping for help. At first, Ruby was amused by such a sight, and wondered how many deserters before had tried such a trick and succeeded. She ran off to fetch Ada, who rushed down with the shotgun. She left warning of the shotgun fixed on him, until she got a glimpse of his face.

"Stobrod Thewes…" she whispered harshly, loud enough that at least Ada heard. Before Ada could question her, she planted a swift kick in his side, had he not been attached to the corncrib, he probably would have fallen over.

"That's my daddy."