Breakdown

Underneath the guise of a smile gradually I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly
'Cause I don't want to reveal that fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise 'til I go home at night
And turn down all the lights and then break down and cry
Breakdown – Mariah Carey

Justin's POV

As soon as I saw the gorgeous man covered in dark, sticky blood I knew he was Gus's father. The Brian Kinney that Linds always spoke so fondly of then who Mel always had something smart to say about "the asshole". I had never seen him before except for the few pictures that are sitting on the mantel in the lesbian's home. There's on that always caught my eye whenever I walked past it, one where Brian was holding his son and looking down at him affectionately. He had never looked like much of an asshole to me in that picture and I had told Mel so but she had only said he was posing for the camera. Linds has quickly disagreed. And, when he walked into the hospital, he didn't look like an asshole.

When he looked at me he didn't look like an asshole.

When he came towards me he didn't look like an asshole.

When he hugged and held me he didn't look like an asshole.

I had been scared that he would be mad at me since it's my fault that the two women and their beautiful daughter had died. I thought he would take out all his pent up anger and fling at me but he didn't look angry at me. Not like the black-haired man still seated in his chair with pure venom hanging on his face. I quickly shut my eyes to avoid his menacing stare and only concentrated on crying with my chin tilted up and resting on this tall man's shoulder. I don't know how Mel could ever think of him as an asshole, not with the way he was acting now anyway. If only she could see him…but she can't. She can't because I got her killed. I pissed Hobbs off and this is my punishment. It was also punishment for whoever else knew them.

"It's not your fault."

I hadn't expected him to talk to me, to hear his choked up voice speaking in my ear, but I'm kind of glad he did because his voice…his voice is soothing, soft and glorious to my ears and I mentally purr at the sound. It helps me block out the memories of Mel, Linds, and JR, helps me block out the voices that are making me think that this is my entire fault. I still can't help but think, know, that it is though. His hand on my back trailing his fingers up and down my back push that thought away and I try, fuck, I really do try, to believe what he said to me. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. But I bet if I had never taken Linds up on her generous offer then I never would have quit my job at the construction site and, therefore, Chris would have never come after me.

"B-but-"

He wouldn't stand for it. My protests.

"It's not your fault."

I'm about to protest again, about to tell him that he's wrong, about to tell him that it is my fault and that I'm sorry for…everything but I don't. Not because I get scared and not because I think he won't believe me or because I think he'll get annoyed with me not listening to him and stop holding me…no, because a nurse walks out into the hall, hands folded in front of her. I don't notice her there until she clears her throat, which makes my eyes open, and Brian lift his head away from mine and look at the young women. "Which one of you is Gus's father?" She looks at Michael first, then quickly skips the older women that came in with Brian, moves from the police officer who's still standing there looking awkward with the hugging situation and then at us. Brian slowly steps away from me, I suddenly feel cold and isolated, and nods.

"I am."

"Come with me, sir."

Brian doesn't move. He looks as if he fears the worst.

"Is he ok?" The nurse offered a small smile of reassurance.

"Yes, he's fine. He's only scratched up a bit, had to get a few stitches in his right cheek where a shred of glass broke then skin." I was relieved that Gus was alright, I had always loved the four-year-old, but Brian looked pained. Pained that his son had been hurt at all. I bowed my head and stared down at the floor and then too a risk and glanced over at the black-haired man that had shared an embrace with Brian earlier. He was glaring daggers at the floor, tears still flowing freely, but when he felt my gaze on him he looked up and just shot an evil look in my direction. I had a feeling he would never forgive me. The nurse looked at Brian, concerned.

"Sir, are you alright?"

"I'm…fine. Just take me to my son."

He didn't sound fine but what was to be expected? No one was going to sound or be fine for a while now. Everyone who cared for the women and their children were going to be wrecks for quite a while if not forever. I wasn't sure how I was going to put up with the feeling that I was responsible for their death. I'd probably have to see a counselor. No, Ethan would never allow that. Ethan. Just the very thought of my boyfriend of two years made the sick feeling in my stomach worst. He would be pissed since I hadn't called him to let him know where he was. He'd probably hit me like he always did when he got pissed at me. Biting my bottom lip, I pull the thin silver cell phone out of my pocket and quickly dial his number. Maybe it would help if I called him, let him know what happened.

No, he wouldn't give a flying fuck. He hated the fact that I spent a lot of time with Mel and Linds. He was the over-protective type and easily got jealous despite the fact that they were both lesbians. That was Ethan. Daphne told me to get over my stupid self and break things off with him but…I'd rather not make him pissed at me. Plus, he would probably go into one of his raging rampage things and try and hurt me for "betraying" him and leaving him all alone in his crap of an apartment. Fuck. I might as well face reality. I'm too much of a "scared little faggot" to break things off after two years of unhappiness. Suddenly there was a click and Ethan was on the line. "Where the fuck are you?"

"The hospital."

I wonder if he can tell I've been crying, am crying, by my voice. Not that he cares.

"Why the fuck are you at the hospital? You didn't do anything stupid did you? You know I can't afford a hospital bill right now. What the fuck did you do?"

I knew it. I knew he would act like this. I pinched the bridge of my nose in between my thumb and forefinger, my back leant against the wall and I slid down until I was sitting down on the ground.

"I didn't fucking do anything, Ethan. It's…Mel and Linds…and Jenny…"

I glanced over at Michael who was listening to the conversation and not doing anything to try and hide the fact that he was eavesdropping. I don't care. It doesn't matter. I squeeze my eyes shut when I hear Ethan's aggravated sigh on the other end of the phone. "What happened?" I can tell he really doesn't care. He's just asking to humor me. I pretend I don't know this though and I decided to tell him anyway. I leave out Brian holding me and comforting me though.

"They d-died. That's why I'm here."

"Why though? You can't fucking do anything but get in people's way. There's nothing you can do for them if they're dead. Get your ass home."

I wished I could just…just do something to the man on the other end of the phone right now. The insensitive prick that I thought I had been in love with at some point in time. "I can't. Gus is here." Sighing, I pull my knees to my chest and wrap my free arm around them. I rest my forehead on top of my knees and squeeze my eyes shut. I can hear an aggravated sound on the other end of the phone. "Fuck Gus. Come home." I do the unthinkable. I've never done this to Ethan and it was probably stupid on my part. I hang up on him and just stare at my phone, mentally cursing myself.

Ring.

I don't answer it though. No, instead I throw it on the floor as hard as possible, causing a loud racket that causes everyone in the hall to look at me in shock, and the phone breaks apart and immediately stops ringing. Fuck Ethan. Fuck his insensitivity. Fuckfuckfuck! I grab the phone again and pound it on the floor some more for extra measure. It makes me feel slightly better but I know I'll regret it when I get "home." And, unfortunately, Brian was walking back towards us when I decided to have a "tantrum" and do all of this. I look up at him while biting my lip trying to force down the tears that threatened to spill over. Stupid fucking Ethan. Brian watches me for a moment before doing anything. Saying anything.

"…Gus is asking to see you."

Gus is asking to see me. I feel a swell in my heart and start pulling myself up off the ground. Brian's hand appears to help me and I immediately take his hand, warm over mine, and let him help me up off the ground. I quickly let go though. If Ethan's pissed enough, which I know he is, he could come walking through those hospital doors any moment now. He's probably on his way right now if I had to guess. On his way to pick me up, ream me out, and then, in the privacy of our home, give me a few good smacks across the face. He never hits me too bad but Daphne says if he hits me at all it's too bad. I suppose she's right but…whatever. Brian leads me into a dark hospital room and there's Gus. He looks lost and confused but smiles nonetheless when he sees me.

"Jus Jus!"

I try and smile, it's so hard though. How can anyone smile after this and act like nothing happened? But I do anyway. For Gus. I have to be strong. "Hey, Gus Gus!" He slowly toddles towards me and then I'm kneeling down on the floor wrapping his small body in my arms in a tight hug just thankful that at least he survived. I loved JR too but I had always had this…connection with Gus somehow. Gus hugs me for a moment but then either gets bored or doesn't like all the sappy attention. I don't even realize that I had tears running down my face until he said something. Gus looked up at Brian with worry on his small face. "Dad, is Jus alright?" I quickly use the back of my hand to wipe away the tears and smile the best I can.

Brian doesn't say anything. I look up at him and he looks…cornered. He doesn't know what to say and neither do I. I place a hand on Gus's shoulder and the boy looks back at me with worry. Doesn't he know? Doesn't he know that his mothers are gone? Dead? Forever? Never to be brought back? "I'm fine, Gus." The little boy titled his head at me. "Why are you sad?" I want to tell him that I'm not sad, I want to lie to him and tell him that it's just my allergies are acting up even though he doesn't know what allergies are. I want to tell him that everything's fine but I can't bring myself to lie to the precious boy. I can't answer anyway since my worst nightmare walks through the door.

"There you are. The fucking nurse almost wouldn't let me come get you."

Startled, I nearly jump out of my skin when I shoot up off my knees and stand up straight. I spin around to meet the cold and aggravated eyes of my boyfriend. I was right. The fucker came to the hospital to get me. My eyes narrow and I shoot him a look. "Watch your language." Ethan smirks, looks from Gus to me and then at Brian. The brunette's glaring at Ethan and I don't really blame him. I would be glaring at him too if it was my son he was cussing in front of. Or maybe that's not why Brian's mad. Maybe Brian's pissed because he just doesn't like Ethan period. Ethan looks over at me.

"Who the f-heck is this?" His eyes sparkle with sick amusement but also jealousy.

I glance over at Brian who's watching Ethan. His eyes. They burn with annoyance.

"T-this is Brian. Gus's dad."

Ethan glares at me.

"Then why the fuck are you here? I told you to come home, not have a party in the hospital. If his father's here then there's no reason for you to be here. You're coming home."

By the look on his face he knows I'm about to protest.

"Now."

He comes towards me and grabs my wrist, so tight it hurts kind of, and goes to pull me out of the hospital room. That's before Brian steps forward and grabs Ethan's arm and pulls his hand away from my wrist with a harsh glare and a shove. It made Ethan stumble backwards a few steps. Needless to say, he was pissed that Brian, some stranger, had shoved him away from his "property" as Ethan would call me sometimes. "What the fuck do you think you're doing? Keep your fucking hands off me." Brian stepped forward, his much taller form towering threatening over Ethan's much shorter form. He's my height so he's way shorter then Brian. I turn around and look at Gus and pick him up before he can intervene and try and "protect" his daddy.

"You keep your hands off of him."

I've never heard a male being sound so threatening before. Or look this threatening. Ethan even looks nervous about all of it. But that didn't stop him from sneering up at the brunette. "You can't tell me what to do. He's my boyfriend so you can mind your own fucking business." Ethan turns to look at me and the little boy, who looks more then a little scared at the turn of events, and glares at the both of us.

"Put the kid down. We're leaving."

I listen. What else can I do? I can't disobey him. I can never do that without there being consequences taking place later. Wanting to sob but biting my bottom lip instead, I kiss Gus on the forehead and hand him over to Brian, who takes him while looking at me worriedly. I try and ignore the look and only nod at him for a goodbye and wave bye to Gus. Then Ethan's hand is around my wrist again and he's dragging me out of the room and down the hall with a mask of anger on his face. I knew I shouldn't have hung up on him. If I hadn't then he wouldn't be hear now dragging me down the hall and making people watch us curiously. Sighing, I let him drag me out to his beat up old car.

Brian's POV

As soon as Justin disappeared around the door I let my face relax and my glare disappear off my face. What the fuck had that been? Who the fuck did that controlling fucker think he was? 'He's my boyfriend' popped into my head. The fucker thought that just because the shorter man was his boyfriend that he could just drag him around and treat him like worthless shit? Especially with what he was going through right now? Justin looked like had been about to burst into tears and the moron didn't seem to care a bit? And why the fuck was Justin dating him anyway? Wanting to go after Justin and his fucked up partner but deciding against it, I set Gus on the hospital bed.

"How you doin' Sonny Boy?"

I knew how I was doing. Did Gus know if his mothers had died or did he think they were just badly hurt? Did he think that there was hope he would ever seen his mother again? I dreaded the time when Gus would look up at me with his wide hazel eyes, exactly like my own eyes, and ask me that horrible question with an even more horrible answer. Where's mommy and mama? Where are they? I rub my eyes, suddenly feeling exhausted. More emotionally then physically but I could definitely use a nap right now. A nap would free me from reality for a few hours…if I could even sleep. I wonder if Gus would be able to sleep or if he would have nightmares about this? I knew nightmares would be the outcome of this for my little boy. Shit. The time had come.

"Daddy?"

"Yeah?"

I ran a hand through his short brunette hair. He was the spitting image of me. That meant he would be the most gorgeous man in Pittsburgh when he was older. Just like his father. He looked up at me with wide, confused eyes and I felt a pang in my heart. "Where are mommy and mama? When are they gonna get here?" The question of doom. The question that I didn't want to answer. The question that I couldn't bring myself to answer. How the hell can I avoid it though? I can't lie to him. There would be no point in lying to him about the whereabouts of his mothers. Sighing heavily, I pick him up off the bed and settle him down in a chair, which I kneel down in front of when he's situated.

"…Gus…you have to listen to me alright? Are you listening?"

He looks up at me and only nods. By the look on his face I can tell he can hear the distraught tone in my voice. The tone that I'm doing my best to hide from him but I'm know St. and I can't.

"Your moms…when those mean people ran into your car…do you remember that?"

Again, Gus only nodded. I almost backed of this right now. I hated being the bearer of such bad news to him. He was only four-fucking-years-old! This wasn't fair to him. I pressed on though. I couldn't back out.

"It hurt them really bad."

"How bad, daddy?"

Oh fuck. I've had enough crying. I won't cry. I force myself not to.

"Gus – remember when your friend, Ben's, cat ate that fish?"

Looking sort of confused, I don't blame him for that, Gus only nodded. I squeeze my eyes shut for a moment. He hadn't known it would be so hard for him to explain death to his son. Gus reached out and grabbed my hand. My eyes snapped open at the contact but I held his hand tightly in my own. Gus sighed.

"The fish went away forever."

Brian nodded, licking his lips and wishing he could go back in time and keep all this shit from happening. "That's right. That's the same for your moms…they aren't coming back, Gus…" For a four-year-old who loved his mothers with every ounce of his small heart he took it surprisingly well. He didn't say anything. He only cried and I pulled him to my chest and picked him up. I know he's four and not super little anymore but I start rocking back and forth anyway, showering small kisses on his head and cheek. I don't kiss his hurt cheek because I don't want to cause him anymore pain then he's already going through. Suddenly there's a knock on the door and the nurse is standing there.

Worried. Concerned. Sympathetic. It's written all over her face.

"I just need you to sign some forms and you can go home."

I nod and, as much as I don't want to let go of him, I place him back in that metal chair and take the forms out of the nurse's hands. She stands by the door and waits for me to sign my name and other information needed. All the while I hear Gus sniffling like I had done in the church earlier. I had felt like such an idiot when I had done so but I had gotten over it and hearing Gus sniffling offered me another few pangs and harsh tugs at my already sore heart. I don't know how we're going to get through this. I know the next couple of days are going to be as hard as hell and I don't know if I'm ready. But I tell myself I'm going to be strong. That I have to be strong. For Gus.

"Here."

"Thank you, Mr. Kinney."

The nurse hesitated. She looked like she wanted to say something. Probably sorry and whatnot but I was thankful when she decided against it. I didn't need her to say sorry and whatnot. It would only make things worst and it wouldn't change anything that was happening. I only nod at her and stride out of the room. Michael and Joan are still down the hall. Michael has stopped crying by now and Joan is…well, Joan is just sitting there. She had never liked Michael. She didn't like any homosexual men. If she only knew about me…her son…I pushed the thought away and stopped in front of the two adults and just stood there. Silent. Michael abruptly stood up and hurried out the door without a word.

"Do you want me to take Gus tonight, Brian?

The thought appealed to me slightly but I shook my head. My son needed me and I needed my son. We needed each other. We both lost people who were important to our lives. "No thanks, mom. Uh- We're just gonna go to home…" Joan nodded, standing up slowly and kissed me on the cheek. She then kissed my son on the cheek and walked out of the hospital with me. The sun was blaring down at me from the bright blue sky. The weather was all wrong. It should be pouring down rain from a downcast sky. There should be huge dark clouds scattered across the sky instead of a few white fluffy ones that up there now.

I look up at the sky and talk to God for the first time in years.

Why did you have to be resting?

Michael's POV

I love Brian. I always have loved Brian.

But, right now? I can't help but hate him. Loath him. I can't help but wish I was him instead of me. He got to keep his son and I didn't get to keep my daughter. In my opinion, I'm a better person then he is and I feel like a shitty person for thinking that way about my best-friend since high school. After all, if it wasn't for him I never would've survived high school. But it's true. Sure, I may not be as good looking, as tall, and as muscular, tan or hairless on my chest but I sure as hell am better where it counts. My heart. Or at least that's what I like to think. Brian cares a lot too. He just doesn't show it all the time.

But, fuck!

Then he had to go over and…hug, hold, comfort that blonde twink! Since when did Brian hug random strangers? Especially random strangers who got our family killed? Maybe I'm being shallow right now. I now, what's his name – Justin, didn't mean to harm anyone. You could tell by the look on his face when he had been talking to Officer Horvath. You could tell when he was crying in Brian's fucking arms. You could just tell by the sincerity in his voice. In his eyes. But I still can't help but be mad at the stupid blonde that just had to go and piss off some freak at work. Of course…how would he know the guy would go insane and try and kill his friends? I dial Emmett's number.

I need to vent.

I need to cry with someone.

Plus, I need to make everyone aware of what happened.

Justin's POV

"Why the fuck did you hang up on me?"

The whole ride "home" with Ethan had been deathly silent and I was grateful. However, I knew that as soon as we walked into his crap hole he would start yelling and asking questions. Ethan tugged off his lightweight sweater and threw it on a small wicker chair before turning back to look at me. Little old me standing in front of the door, ready to make a run for it if he got too violent. He had never gotten too violent before but I had a feeling he was in a worst mood then usual. Especially since he was probably jealous since I had been in the same room with a devastatingly gorgeous man. Even though I hadn't been doing anything.

I tugged nervously at the sleeves of my shirt.

They were big and covered up half my hands. That's what I liked about these shirts even though Ethan hated it when I wore them. He wanted to know why I didn't wear something tighter, something more appealing, and something that fit. I preferred to dress the way I liked to dress though and it pissed him off to know end. Sighing, I placed a hand on my head, running my fingers through my hair and just grabbing a handful of the gold strands and gripping it tightly trying to keep from losing my temper. One got tired of his seemingly never ending yelling and bullshit.

"Because you wouldn't listen to me. I needed to stay at the hospital. Gus was still there…and I knew he'd want to see me. Plus, I wanted to be there for him…"

"That's what he has a fucking father for."

I pulled my hair impatiently.

"I love him. I wanted to be there for him."

Ethan picked up a small figurine from the small end table next to a small coffee table. I backed away slightly until my back was leaning against the door. Who knew why he picked it up? He would probably use it as a thing to throw at me if I made a wrong move. The man looked at me, running a hand irritatingly through his curly black hair. My eyes never left the small figurine in his hand though. I had to be cautious. Careful.

"You love him more then me?"

Yes. "No."

He frowned.

"Liar."

Yes. "No."

"Justin, I'm tired of your shit."

I almost rolled my eyes but kept myself in check. I couldn't deal with this right now. Three friends, practically family, had just died and he was giving me bull shit about things that didn't matter. "I'm tired of your shit." Obviously the wrong thing for me to say but I was tired, I didn't feel good, and I was on the line of breaking down and Ethan wasn't helping this at all. To my luck, he set down the figurine. At least I now knew that he wasn't going to throw it at me. Instead, he walked towards me, grabbed the collar of my shirt and glared at me, yanking me away from the door. A swift slap across the face later, his ring – The ring that we both had on our fingers to show our commitment – cutting my jaw in the process.

"Don't talk to me like that."

"Don't hit me."

I quickly pushed him away, yanked the ring off my finger and threw it at him. It bounced off his chest and hit the floor. His face said it all. He was outraged that I had flung it at him, outraged that I was basically telling him that this was all over, outraged that I was doing what I wanted for once. Ethan clenched his fist and I opened the door as fast as possible. "You can't just leave me." I stepped outside into the hall where people would be sure to hear me if I yelled. If he tried anything…I would yell. Scream for help. I glared at him as fiercely as possible in my depressed state.

"I'll do what I want,"

I took a few steps away from the door.

"For a change."

That said I hurried out of the apartment building as fast as possible. I didn't think he would come after me and I was right but I wasn't going to take any chances. Ethan was unpredictable and he would do whatever he wanted. That's why I had a feeling he would be after me later on. He would think up some rotten plan to lure me somewhere and then steal me away. Pulling the sleeves of my shirt over my hands I ducked my head and began walking, feet pounding against the cement, as fast as I could. I was on my way to the Liberty Diner. One of the safest havens I knew with Deb there. She would know what to do.

Then it started to rain. Hard, cold rain.

It was a forty minute walk.