Hey kid, do wishes count at all
Can you give me a sign? Give me anything.
I won't tell a soul you told.
Hey kid, can you hold me when you sleep
Will you find me when the tide decides I got to leave
If God Made You - Five for Fighting

Brian

"What do you guys want for dinner?"

I had been doing nothing but sitting on my ass staring at my computer screen. For hours I couldn't decided what cemetery to use for them. None of them seemed right and then I remembered that them being dead wasn't right. I rubbed by tired eyes, they were burning and hurt like a motherfucker from staring at the screen for hours on end, and looked over at my son and his baby sitter. Justin was sitting on the sofa, Gus in his lap, and they were watching a move. 'The Yellow Submarine'. I hated that movie but they seemed to be entranced by it. Figured. I rolled my eyes when neither of them seemed to hear my question.

"Earth to the children over there."

Neither of them replied, they were both totally wrapped up in the stupid movie. My eyes rolled again and I slipped away from my desk for the first time in a long while, I had been making Justin bring me drinks when I needed one – What can I say? I'm a slave driver. – and sauntered over to the sofa. Justin was bouncing Gus gently on his knee as they stared at the television screen like they had never seen the movies before. Gus was smiling, thumb in his mouth, and I smiled. At least he was happy for the moment. Usually I would tell him not to suck his thumb, that he was a big boy, but there was no way I was going to tell him that when he was actually content for the first time today.

I cleared my throat, loud and prominent. Justin jumped, startled, which caused Gus's eyes to tear away from the screen and the two of them looked up at me as if they were seeing me for the first time. They both looked at me, Justin questioningly and Gus…just looking. I sighed, rolled my shoulders to get the kinks out, and crossed my arms over my chest. "I asked you guys a question." Gus looked totally clueless, as did Justin. Gus looked remarkably adorable with the clueless look on his face but Justin looked totally…never mind. A subject that I don't need to get in to tonight.

"I asked what you guys wanted for dinner."

Justin shrugged and looked down at Gus.

"What do you want for dinner, Gus?"

The children always got to pick what they wanted before everyone else. "Pizza." Figured. All children, unless they were insane or were allergic, always wanted pizza. It was like an unspoken rule between all children. A law that none of them dared to or even wanted to, break. "What kind?" I wasn't much of a pizza person myself but I was starving, though with the images of the deceased I wasn't sure how well I would eat, and I would do just about anything for Gus right now. The little boy stared back at the screen, watched it for a moment and I thought I lost him in TV world again, and then looked back up at me. "Cheese."

"Cheese it is. Is that fine with you?"

I stared pointedly at Justin, I wasn't sure if he was a cheese fan or not, and he nodded. "Sure – That's fine. Great." He quickly looked away and back at the screen when Gus pointed something out to him and I walked to the phone. Where the fuck is Deb anyway? She should've been here hours ago with Gus's things. Sighing, I called her first wanting to know where she was with my kid's shit. "Deb?"

"Oh, hey, Brian."

""Where the hell are you?"

"At the diner. They called me and they needed help. I got Gus's things…I just won't be able to run them down to your loft until later tonight."

I rolled my eyes and sighed. Didn't the women ever take a break?

"Fuck, Deb, you shouldn't be working."

Justin looked over the back of the couch, twisting in a way that looked more then a little uncomfortable. "She's working?" I nodded and cursed at her again. "Well, someone's gotta do it." She replied. I heard a shout in the background shouting at Debbie to bring him his coffee. "Yeah, but not you. You could get someone else to do it." I listened to her sigh at the other end of the line; I heard the clinking sounds of cups banging against each other, the sizzling sounds of something cooking, and the loud voices of the happy customers. At least someone was happy tonight.

"This is my job."

"I don't give a fuck if it's your job."

I looked over at Justin who was still watching with as much interest as he had when he had been staring at the television a few minutes ago. "Sunshine, come talk some sense into this damn women's head. I need to change out of these fucking clothes." Justin carefully set Gus down on the couch telling him that he would be back in a minute and Gus nearly had a coronary, begging him not to leave him all alone and then Justin promised that he wouldn't and that he would be right over there where his daddy stood. It was only then that Gus silenced and watched the television screen huddled in the middle of the huge sofa. Justin strode over to where I stood. He looked like shit in his wrinkled clothes and unbelievably tired. I sighed into the phone and spoke before handing it over to Justin.

"I'll stop by tonight and get Gus's things. I need to go get Justin's clothes anyway."

Justin blinked. Then his eyes got all round and scared looking.

"Are you serious? I can get them myself."

I rolled my eyes and handed him the cordless phone.

"I don't think so. I'll get them. You can watch Gus while I'm gone."

"I won't tell you where I live."

"Fuck you won't. I'll ask Deb. You don't need to go over there alone anyway. I saw enough of his…fucked up mind today, thank you very much."

Without another word I began pulling off my shirt while making my way onto the platform. I threw it on the floor, for once not caring about littering my clothes on my usually clean floors. Next came my pants and then I was digging around in my dresser. I heard the click of the phone being placed back in its cradle. That was quick. Justin and Debbie hadn't talked for more then ten seconds. The padding of his feet coming up behind me as I pulled on a pair of jeans caused me to turn around with a raised eyebrow. Justin stood there, arms crossed over his chest in his protective sort of way and his eyes looked everywhere but at me. He was nervous, I could tell.

"Can I come with you?"

"What?"

"Can I come with you to get my clothes?"

I shook my head as I pulled a black tank top over my head.

"Fuck no."

"They're my clothes. Please?"

He had a point and his pleading was kind of heart wrenching. Sighing, I ran a hand furiously through my hair. "Fine. We'll stop by the diner first so we can leave Gus with Deb. I don't want to bring him…there." Justin nodded in understanding and he stood there, unmoving with his head bowed to the floor. Suddenly there was a tear rolling down his cheek and, fuck, I wished he wouldn't cry because then I would be tempted to wrap my arms around him again. I know I would give in to that temptation. I took a few awkward stops forward and grabbed his wrist and pulled him to me. "I'm sorry." I raised an eyebrow. Sorry? Like he had anything to be sorry for.

"…For?"

"Ethan acting like that the hospital."

"You don't have to apologize. He should be apologizing."

Justin didn't say anything; he just stood there in my arms, his small shoulders shaking, his hands clinging onto the front of my shirt like no tomorrow, and his head buried in my chest. This was all kind of new to me, people crying and me willingly and nicely comforting people. Sure, I was used to "comforting" Michael all the time, he was demanding, always seeking attention and constantly needed comforting when something didn't go his way, but this was different. Justin actually needed comfort for something comfort worthy. Sure, now Michael did too but he had his mother, he didn't need me. Justin, I'd like to think so anyway, needed me.

"Are you sure you wanna go?"

"…Yeah, I need to get my shit. I need my sketchbooks – he won't give them to you."

Fuck he wouldn't. He'd give me what I wanted and if he gave me any shit about it I would tear him to pieces. My hands strayed upwards into Justin's blonde strands of hair. I loved his hair. It was perfect, long, soft to the touch, and I just simply loved his hair. God, I'm such a lesbian. By the end of the night I'm going to notice how blue his eyes really are, how bright and shiny they get when he's about to cry, and how they grow just a bit lighter, how they flash, when he gets upset about something. Fuck – I am already noticing these things. Obviously.

"He'll give me whatever I ask for."

"Ethan doesn't -"

"Ethan will give me what I ask for. Let's go. I'm fucking tired and want to get this over with."

I slowly push him away from me but his hands don't leave my shirt yet. They hang on tight and he stares up with me, his eyes red, puffy and wet. His nose is slightly pink from the sniffling during his crying episode and I almost offer him a tissue but I don't. I wonder if he's going to let me go soon because...he's still close, too close, and if he doesn't pull away, I know that I'll cave and kiss him. "Thanks." I only nod and breathe out a sigh of relief when he quickly let's go of my shirt and takes a few steps away from me. Then he's spinning around and pausing Gus's movie.

"Are you alright Jus Jus?"

"I'm ok, Gus. We're going to go see Aunt Debbie."

"We are? Why?"

I watch as Justin kneels down in front of Gus as he talks, watching as he talks to him, tells him we're going to go get some of his toys and clothes. "When are we getting pizza?" Shit. I had forgotten. I ran a hand through my hair and walked down off the platform and debated on what to do. We could always eat at the diner. They didn't usually make pizza but I'm sure Deb could pull some strings and make him one, or order him some pizza for that matter. "We'll get some at the diner, Gus." The little boy nodded and I gathered my wallet and keys off my computer desk, flipped the machine off and waited for Justin to pull on his shoes. I picked up Gus and the three of us walked out the door.

I couldn't wait for all this drama to start.

Justin

I was scared. I didn't want to go to Ethan's cruddy apartment even if Brian was going to be there with me. I didn't want to go anywhere near Ethan. He was a disgusting, vile prick and I had just found the courage to walk out on him and now I was going back. It's not like I would go back to him, never, but I had told myself when I had walked out that I would never go back there. I told myself that I would never go back to that…that…hell. I told myself that I would never look at Ethan again but now, here I was, about to go back to his apartment so Brian could get my clothes.

Which leads me to another thought.

Brian.

I had seen his so-called "heartless" side back in his loft. But it wasn't the bad kind of heartless. Yes, there is such a thing. I had figured Brian was a self-involved asshole. Mel had always told me that he was a narcissistic bastard that cared for himself and only for himself. She was wrong. Yeah, Brian was heartless, I could tell when he talked about Ethan while he held me, for the second time that day, on his platform but he also didn't only care about himself. For one, he cared about his son. I can tell when he glances over at his son, when he hands him over to me or Debbie when we reach the diner. He's in love with his son no matter how much he tried to convince people he isn't.

He also cares about me.

I saw the concerned looks while we were at the hospital; I saw the caring but worried look on his face when I started crying on his platform. I heard his concern when he talked to me and I definitely felt it when he hugged me and when his fingers caringly stroked my hair and the back of my neck. Maybe I'm just kidding myself, maybe I'm just wishing and hoping for things since Ethan never, except in the very, very beginning, treated me like that. Like he actually cared. But I don't think I'm kidding myself, I think that, despite what Mel said, that Lindsay was right. That he just has a problem with actually caring about people because of his mother and father. I don't know that story, I had never asked, but I was curious.

"Deb, do you mind feeding him? I was gonna order pizza but it…"

He looked over at me for a quick second and then back at Deb.

"It slipped my mind."

Debbie bounced Gus in her lap. "No problem. What do ya want, kid?"

"Pizza."

"I can work something out. Joe! Make this kid some pizza! Pronto!"

"Thanks, Deb."

"No, problem. You and Sunshine go tell that bastard who's boss."

I smile weakly over at her and follow Brian out the door into the chilly night. I cross my arms and follow him back to his jeep. He turns to meet my eye. "This is your last chance. You still comin'?" I nod and offer him a, what I hope is a, reassuring smile. "Yeah. I'm sure. Let's make this quick." He nods, looking slightly disturbed about all of this, about me coming actually. There is was again. I think he cares. We get into his keep, I give him the directions to Ethan's rundown apartment building and we drive off.

"Do you have a key?"

I looked over at Brian, hesitant look on my face.

"What?"

"Do you have a key? Just incase he isn't home."

I nodded and reached into my pocket. We were walking up the stone steps, he was all the way on the fifth floor, because the elevator didn't look very safe and, I know it isn't safe. They hadn't checked the elevator to see if it needed repairs in years. With a small sigh I handed him the key that would lead us into Ethan's apartment. Hell. "You can wait here if you want." I reached out and grabbed his arm, pulling him to a quick stop. "Brian. I'm fine. Really. He won't do anything with you there anyway." Brian nodded towards my bruised wrist and I realized my hand was still gripped onto his arm.

"He did that in front of me."

"That's not the worst he can do."

"Well, it makes me feel so much better knowing that he was feeling nice today and could've done worst."

Sarcasm dripped off his words in tidal waves and I quickly let go of his arm and crossed my arms over my chest. "Yeah, well, it made me feel better." I wasn't sure but I think he winced slightly at my words. I immediately wished I hadn't said them but it was too late. He was already asking the dreaded question. "What else has he done to you?" I narrow my eyes at him and take a few small steps away from him. "That's none of your fucking business."

"I was just asking. I'm…"

I raised an eyebrow. I felt a little bad for snapping at him like that.

"You're what? What, do you feel sorry for me? I don't need your…your…pity."

He watched me for a minute and I told myself that I should've kept my mouth shut, that he didn't feel sorry for me, that he only worried about me because he cared. I stare right back at him, forcing myself to not duck my head and stare at the ground, ashamed for snapping at the man who's doing all that he can to help me. Maybe I'm acting like a bastard because of everything that's happening today. The three closest people to me died, I walked out on my boyfriend of two years, and now I'm watching this gorgeous man's son and having these stupid feelings when he's around. That's a lot for one day.

"I don't feel sorry for you. I only want…"

I watched him curiously.

"You only want what?"

"To get this fucking exchange over with. Let's go."

I had a feeling that's not exactly what he wanted to say but I didn't ask questions. I only followed him down the long, seemingly never-ending hallway until we pulled to a stop in front of door number ten. "This is it?" I nod but don't say anything. I don't think I can. My mouth is glue shut and so dry. I gulp and I bet Brian can hear it although he doesn't let on that he does. I watch in silent horror as he pounds on the door one, two, three times. We wait three seconds, five seconds, ten seconds and then the door swings open to reveal my ex in all his drunken glory.

"I knew you'd come back."

I wrinkled my nose in disgust and stepped back when he reached out to grab me. Brian quickly stepped forward, body towering over his once again and blocking me from him. "Long time no see." Ethan stepped back and glared up at Brian, eyes slightly confused as to why he's here and why he hadn't noticed him standing next to me before. God, he was really drunk. "What the…" Brian smirked and pushed forward stepping into the dirty apartment.

"Don't worry – It's free to curse. My son's not here."

He walks fully inside, eyes scanning the apartment before turning to me. I'm still standing outside the apartment. I don't think I can bring myself to walk in there. "Come on, Sunshine. Let's get packin'." Ethan looks between me and Brian over and over again as if he's trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together as to what is going on before his very eyes. "What the fuck is…going on?" He's swaying slightly, beer bottle in hand, and I wonder how the hell he can still speak this coherently. How he can speak at all for that matter. I slowly step into the apartment and make my way towards Brian and kind of stand behind him.

I'm a coward but I never said I wasn't. Brian smiled at Ethan.

"We're just collecting his belongings…if you don't mind."

"Actually, I…d-do mind."

I step forward slightly. "You're drunk. Give me the bottle." It's still half full and I don't think he needs to drink anymore. I don't care how much I hate him, I don't care how big of an asshole he is, and I'm not going to let him drink himself to sleep or maybe even death. He laughed at me; his eyes sparkled with amusement. "Are you kidding me. Fuck no." He took a long gulp from the bottle and the bottle was emptied. There probably wasn't even a drop left inside. I take another step forward, glaring at him.

"You are so stupid."

"Me? I'm stupid? You're the one who left."

Brian stepped forward. He was back in front of me.

"Yeah, and with good reason."

"You can stay out of this."

Ethan took a step towards Brian. He was trying to act all macho, tough and strong but he didn't look like he was at all. He looked like a stupid bastard who was drunk out of his mind. I rubbed my face with my hand and peeked out between my fingers. I wished I hadn't come here after all. I should've listened to Brian. "I won't stay out of this because you're-" Brian pointed at him while taking menacing steps towards the shorter man. "A fucking abusive asshole." Ethan lets out a small sound of shock.

"You don't know what you're talking about."

He turns to me.

"You're staying here."

Brian walked closer, which made Ethan take a few steps back and into the wall behind him.

"No, he's coming with me. You and him are over."

I grabbed Brian's wrist with both my hands just incase he decided to do something rash. Just incase he decided to beat the shit out of Ethan if he made one more single wrong move. Brian looked down at me and then back over at Ethan. "Now shut up so we can get his clothes." Ethan's mouth was in the form of a small 'O' at the shock of Brian speaking to him in such a violent tone. But he did as he was told and stood firmly against the wall and watched as I began piling the few articles of clothing that I had on the bed next to the dresser. Suddenly, without warning, there was a loud crash right above my head. He had thrown his empty beer bottle at me. Thank fucking God he was drunk or he might've gotten me.

Brian was fucking irate.

"You fucking prick."

In one swift move, Brian had walked to where Ethan stood, wrapped a strong hand around his neck and pinned him tightly against the wall. Brian's face leaned in close to his, their noses almost touching while I crouched down, careful not to move my feet, and began picking up the shards of glass. I can't believe he did that. I guess I should though, he's thrown glasses at me before but I thought that if Brian was here…things would be slightly different. They weren't. "How bout I get a glass and bash it ver your head? Would you like it?

Ethan didn't reply. He remained quiet. Brian looked over at me.

"Finish packing your shit. Do it fast."

I did as he told me. My clothes were soon all packed away in a large duffel bag and I began to scurry around the apartment looking for the most important item that I owned. My sketchbooks. They carried the best sketches I had ever done, the sketches that Lindsay had helped me with, the only sketches I had of Mel and JR. They meant so much to me and they even meant more now that they were all gone. "Ethan? Where are my sketchbooks?"

A sick amused smile popped up on his face despite the fact Brian's hand was still around his neck.

"First, I ripped all the pages into shreds. Then, I burned them. All."

I felt my eyes start to well up. "What? Please tell me you're lying." Ethan shook his head the best he could with Brian's grip there. That same sick smile was still decorating his face. I pushed my hand through my hair and my eyes scanned the apartment hoping that he was lying and that he wasn't serious and that he was only saying that to bring me down. I met his eyes again though my vision was blurred. "No you didn't."

"Oh, I did. I hated them."

"…No."

"I hated those stupid…whores."

Suddenly he was on the floor, unconscious, with a bleeding face. Brian had knocked him down in one swift punch to the nose, I felt really sick when I heard it crack, when the comment had been said. Brian looked down at the body, anger mixed with grief. Brian hadn't cried all day since he had been in the hospital, not in front of me anyway, and I don't know how he did it. Now, though, I think he's had enough. He turned to me, face expressionless except for his eyes. If I wasn't mistaken, it was hard to tell with my own eyes blurry, his eyes had tears in them too. "Are you ready to go?" I simply nod, grab my duffel, and follow him out the door. As soon as we're inside the jeep I burst out crying.

I feel like such a fag.

"Justin."

I don't answer him. I stare straight ahead of me. I know it might seem…stupid to cry over losing my sketches but I don't think it's stupid. Those were memories. Memories of Mel and Linds and JR and now I didn't have them. I didn't have a camera so I drew them while we were sitting around the house, I drew them while they were talking, laughing, playing with Jenny. Those were photographs to me and they could never be replaced. I jump when I feel a hand land on my shoulder and pull me against Brian's side. He presses my face into the crook of his neck and I cry. It's not until an hour later when I pull away with a runny nose and sore, red eyes that I realize that Brian had been crying too.

I didn't say anything and neither did he.