I've seen you suffer
I've seen you cry
the whole night through
so I'll be your water
bathing you clean
liquid blue
I'll Be Yours - Placebo

Brian

There's something wrong with him.

It's been three days since the funeral/reception and everyone's taken it badly but I think Justin's taking it worse then everyone else. Since after everyone left my house after the depressing reception – I was slightly happy to see Michael walk over to the blonde and actually hug him though I'm not really sure if Michael has left behind all his grudges towards Justin – he's been different. Sure, everyone was sad and upset and depressed about the death finally becoming…real but Justin was downright…down. He was more depressed then everyone else and I can't help but think it's because he blames himself.

And that he knows other people ( Stupid Mikey! ) blame him too.

I'm sure he wouldn't blame himself if Michael hadn't said anything to him about it being his fault in the first place and, obviously, my words of confidence in him didn't help anything. I pretty much leave him alone after the funeral. I leave him where he sits on the floor next to the large window overlooking Pittsburgh with his own thoughts and tears. When he's done crying he just silently stares out the window, chin resting on the windowsill and red, sore eyes just…looking. I'd never really had to deal with people when they were like…this before so I let him be until "bed time", which was early since I was tired out of my mind and he didn't look any better, and led him over to the bed.

I crawled in next to him and he doesn't even acknowledge my presence. He just turned over on his side, his back facing me, and his face buried in his/my pillow. I left him alone for the most part and only wrapped an arm around him, pulling his back against my chest. I don't know if I did it for my need to just feel him or my want to try and comfort him. Whatever the reason, he let my arm stay there and even went as far to rest his arm on top of mine, fingers lacing together in a more intimate gesture then I've ever shared with any man in my life. Especially in my bed. Surprisingly, however, I didn't mind it that much. In fact, I may have enjoyed the intimate contact a little more then I wanted to.

The next day, Monday, I, sadly, had to work. Justin said the first thing to me since yesterday.

"You're going to work? Why? H-how?"

"I need to bring in the income, Sunshine."

"Can't you bring it in another day?"

I wasn't sure if he wanted me to stay because he thought it was wrong that I was jumping right back on the totem pole so soon after the funeral or if he wanted me to stay because he didn't want to be left alone in a big empty loft. When I thought about it I wasn't sure if I wanted to leave him alone either – he might do something drastic and try to hang himself or something while I was gone since he was in such a state of depression. Maybe I should stay home from work – At least until he gets better. I decided against it. Doing my job will take my mind off things. Maybe I could tell Debbie to drop Gus off so Justin wouldn't be alone. I highly doubt the blonde would do anything serious to himself if Gus was here.

"No. I can't. Debbie will drop off Gus later. Now, I really have to go or I'll be late."

The blonde stared at me with large, disbelieving blue eyes and they almost made me change my mind and stay home from work after all. That was the best part about owning your own business wasn't it? You were your own boss. Plus, I was sure that Ted and Cynthia would be able to take care of things without me. Well, Cynthia anyway. I was going to call Ted and tell him not to come. Just because I was going to suffer throughout the day didn't mean that he had to too. What can I say? I was feeling generous at the time. I quickly called up the accountant and told him so. Justin still offered me that 'look' when I was done talking. I placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Look – I'll come home early. I have to go in though."

"How come Ted doesn't?"

"Because he isn't the boss of the company. I can survive one or two days without him."

He was still looking at me like that. I wondered if he was doing it on purpose to try and get me to stay because it was slowly have the desired affect. "Isn't that the good thing about owning your own business? You get to stay home when you want to?" I worked up and irritated sigh and let go of his shoulder and my face leaned in just slightly.

"Who said I wanted to?"

He looked kind of shocked. I didn't realize how…venomous I had sounded when I had spoken to him and I felt kind of bad for him but I didn't let on that I did. I ran a hand through his hair, hand stopping at the base of his neck. "Just…listen to me. I need to go to work to…distract myself. I have a bunch of shit to do and it'll help get my mind off things I don't want to think about." Justin continued to stare at me, 'the look' slowly disappearing and replaced with nothingness. That only made me want to stay even more.

"Bye."

He quickly pulled away from me. Fuck. Why the hell was he acting so…moody anyway. I dismissed the question. That much was obvious. He obviously needed someone to talk to or just someone to be here with him so he didn't feel so…lonely. I still decided to go to work but I told him to invite Daphne over and that Gus would be along a little later. He didn't say anything to me when I walked out the door and I didn't acknowledge, well I tried not to, the slight aching feeling in my chest where my heart was located. When I got home, I had told him I would get home early and I did – Except early for me was at ten O clock – Gus was already asleep and Justin sat next to the window again. I could tell he had been crying but I don't say anything.

Work hadn't done anything to distract my thoughts away from him so I didn't speak to him.

The second day after the funeral, Tuesday, he was even more distant. I decided to wait to go to work until late afternoon just so I didn't leave him as quickly as I had yesterday. It might make him…happier. My plan didn't have the desired affects. He remained distant from me and Gus, which was surprising to me considering how much he loved my son and wanted to spend time with him after the accident. So, Gus was left to me until I went to work and when I did go to work I took Gus with me and dropped him off at Debbie's. Thankfully, she wasn't working today and she was happy to watch him.

When I handed him over she smiled a small smile.

"Anything to distract myself."

Amen sister. When I got home that night, this time at eleven, Justin was sitting on the couch. The entire loft was dark. Not a single light was turned on and the blinds were drawn tight over the window to keep in the light from the street lamps from sneaking in. At first I was scared, yeah, really scared, that he had done something stupid like killed himself or something. But, to my great relief, he was only asleep on the couch while hugging one of Gus' teddy bears to his chest. It would've been cute if he hadn't scared me so bad. Trying my damn hardest not to wake him up, I carried him to my bed and let him sleep there and crawled in next to him like before.

Then there was today. I'm stuck at work again, well, not really stuck. Cynthia demanded that I leave and that had been an hour ago. I glance over at the clock sitting on my desk. Midnight. I decided that I should leave all these papers behind and go home and check on the blonde that's waiting for me. But, when I walk in the door, he's not even there. I can't even begin to explain the way my heart practically flies out of my chest with it's rapid and harsh beating against my ribcage or the immense sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I throw my brief case down on the floor without a care and barge out of the house. I wish he hadn't thrown his cell phone on the hospital floor because then I could call him.

I call Debbie first.

"Have you seen Justin?"

"No, I haven't. Call Michael. He's been at the diner all night. He called me and asked my why I wasn't doing my shift. He might still be there. Why? Is everything all right?"

I don't answer, hang up and leave the women to look after my son since I didn't think Justin was in the condition to do so, and I quickly dial Michael's number. He answers on the second ring.

"Have you seen Justin?"

"Uh…"

He paused for a moment.

"Yeah, I did. He was in here about an hour ago. He looked like shit."

"Do you know where he went?"

Another pause.

"No, I don't. Why? Is everything ok?"

"I'll call you back."

That said, I click off and throw my phone on the passenger seat and speed over to the Babylon. It's the only place that I can think to look for him at. He's not at the diner anymore and he's not with Debbie. I don't know Daphne's number but I have this feeling that he's not at her house. I immediately think of Ethan and wonder if Justin's with him. No, he can't be. Justin wouldn't go over there. I ignore everyone as I walk into the pounding club. It's been a while since I've been in here. I've been so busy lately. Familiar people say 'hi' to me and ask me how I'm doing but I brush them off and look for the one person that really matters right now. To my dismay, I don't see him.

Until I reach the bar. Then I see him and fuck. He's drunk out of his mind.

He's also sticking his tongue down some stranger's throat.

"Get away from him."

I push the stranger away and he walks away muttering curses under his breath. Justin looks confused at first and then his eyes come to rest and try to focus on me. Then he realizes that it's me standing there in front of him and that I look extremely pissed off. I grab the beer bottle out of his hand. It's still half full and he's intoxicated enough for the two of us. He doesn't need anymore. "Hey!" He slurs it out and drunkenly reaches out for it so he can finish it off.

"I don't think so, you fucking idiot."

He looks shocked that I called him that. And confused.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing? You don't go around getting ass drunk and you definitely don't go around shoving your tongue down some stranger's throat! You should've called me you fucking moron. I didn't know where the hell you were and how did you plan on getting home? You probably can't even remember your own name right now much less my phone number. Come on. We're going home and you're going to bed."

He only smiles at me and I almost slap him across the face.

"You care about me."

I only look down at him. I choose not to answer. He grins even wider.

"You care about me sooo much."

"You're sooo drunk. Let's go."

I grab his arm but he stays put, his hand gripping the bar.

"You loooove me!"

Suddenly his hand is coming around the back of my neck and he's pulling me down into a searing kiss. I can taste the alcohol and, I'm shocked to taste, drugs in his mouth. I quickly pull away and slam his smaller body up against the bar. I think he enjoys that action a little too much. I bring my faces mere inches away from his and glare at him.

"You're drunk. Don't kiss me. Don't touch me. Just shut the hell up and come with me."

He looks hurt at my commands, his mouth slams shut, and I drag him out of the club. When we get home and push him into the bathroom. "Take a shower. You fucking stink." I'm in a bad mood. I hated the fact that I let myself get so…worried about him and I hated the fact that he was right even though he was drunk. I did care about him. I cared about him more then I liked to admit. I already had to admit it to Michael. I told him that Justin was important to me and that was…a big and unexpected step for me. But the loving part? I don't even want to think about that.

I quickly throw a few of his nightclothes into the bathroom so he'll have something to wear when he comes out. When he does he's not as drunk, a lot more sober then he had been, and he looks like the most embarrassing thing in the world happened to him. I ignore him and walk into my kitchen to get some well-deserved food. I'm starving and I had been before I went on my little trip to retrieve Justin. I listen closely as I hear his feet pad over to where I stand at the fridge.

"I'm so sorry."

"Will you stop saying that?"

"No 'cause I really am sorry. I didn't mean to just…leave but I felt…lonely so,"

I turned around and leant up against the fridge and crossed my arms over my chest.

"So you decided to go shove your tongue down some random guys throat? Yeah, that just solves all your problems. If you were so lonely why didn't you just call me or Daphne?"

He didn't answer for a minute and he looked anywhere but at me. Shit. I was starting to feel bad for lashing out on him so badly. He was going through a bad time, as we all were, and he didn't need this from me.

"Daphne wasn't home and it's not like you would've come anyway."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

He glared at me.

"It means what you think it means. I'm just the hot baby-sitter that gets on your nerves and that you use to release sexual frustration on since you've been so busy. And to think that I actually…liked you."

I gape at him. I don't understand how he could come to that conclusion. He spins around to leave, probably to sleep on the couch since it was obvious he was pissed me and wouldn't be sleeping anywhere near me. I grab his arm before he can leave. "Not all guys are like Ethan you know." He glares harder at me and pulls his arm away. I quickly grab it again and grab his other one and slam him against the kitchen counter. A couple of the plates sitting there slid into the sink with a loud clatter.

"Let go of me."

"Why? You seemed pretty eager in the club."

He tried to push me away but I didn't go anywhere.

"I was drunk."

"How could you say that? You actually think that I'm taking my sexual frustration out on you? You know, I wasn't even sexually frustrated before you came along and started living here,"

I press my body tight against his. Our close proximity is make my cock hard. His too.

"So this is your fault. And, you aren't just my son's baby-sitter. You were right."

He looked like he didn't know what I was talking about. Maybe that was because my dick rubbing against his was so distracting. I rested my forehead on his and rammed my hips harder into is. I wonder if it's hurting him, his body being rammed into the corner of the kitchen counter. If it does he doesn't let on and only let's out a small moan at the contact.

"You were right. I do care about you."

I lick a path from his mouth to the lobe of his ear. His head tilts back allowing me more access to his wonderful and tasteful throat. I bite at it slightly. "I want you around for a long time." I apply pressure on his lips with my own and my hands pin his arms behind his back. I'm horny as hell and this time Gus isn't here to interrupt us. I finally get to have my way with the fucking blonde.