Thank you Captain Oz, RemusLupinRocks, and escptheshdw835. I had to go back like a hundred times for that last name, and I'm still not sure I got it right.

Right. Well. I'm not sure how long this'll be, but I'm thinking a four-parter? Review and tell me if you want more.

Disclaimer:

No, I'm not a mime.

I simply don't have time

To say this is not mine.

Remus really hated his mind.

It was useful during Arithmancy, when Professor Calista was trying to drill particularly hard problems into their head, and while the other boys in the class admired her ass—ets, he would raise his hand and be rewarded with a huge smile.

It was useful when they had to explain to Professor Obelix why they weren't using the bats wings to make love potions to create chaos in the Slytherin house, but rather, for poor, lovesick James. ("I resent that!" he had proclaimed fiercely)

But it wasn't useful when all it did was feed him images of a tan, rough face surrounded by long, jet-black hair, or a smooth, also tanned chest.

"Where the—bloody hell, I know I put it here!" Remus leaned over his trunk to the verge of falling. He was going mad, he was sure.

During Charms, he'd called Alyssa Short by Sirius' name, and when he had fallen asleep during History of Magic (It seems only Hermione is immune to the lectures after all) he had woken up to find himself tonguing his sleeve.

But the last straw was when he and the other Marauders had been walking down to the Great Hall for lunch, and they had been intercepted by Vasilios Jackson, the Draco Malfoy of his time.

"Going somewhere?" He spat at their feet. Behind him hovered his personal bodyguard, whose name has no importance in this fic (A/N: Ok, so I was too lazy to get one. Go figure) so we shall call him Rock, last name, Solid.

James whimpered, but his friends knew it was faked. "Yes, sir, Mr. Jackson, sir. We were just going to go find you."

"Why's that?" Jackson peered at him suspiciously. He was so intent on making sure James didn't try anything, he hadn't noticed Sirius making flicking motions with his wand and mumbling underneath his breath.

"Don't you know?" James pretended to look genuinely shocked. "It's suck up time! And you're the best suck up there is, so—why don't you start?"

Jackson glared at him and snapped his fingers. Rock growled and moved forward, just as Sirius suddenly jerked his wand up.

Jackson's head swelled rapidly to the size of a balloon, then a watermelon, and it would have gone on had a small crack not appeared at the top. It caved in, and there was a loud banging noise.

"What the—what did you do to me?" He cried, feeling his head. In a moment, though, he was floating away.

"ROCK! ROCK, HELP ME!" He shrieked, as his head began to attach itself with a squelching noise to the stone ceiling.

His bodyguard made a snorting noise, not unlike a bull, and glanced at the Marauders before removing his wand. He waved it about a few times before pointing it at Jackson. Unfortunately, it seemed like the wrong thing to do, as Jackson's body swelled to the point where it greatly rivaled his head, then turned purple.

Meanwhile, the Marauders were currently suffocating from lack of air due to how hard they were laughing. Even Remus was doubled over. That is, until Peter became unbalanced and tripped over his own feet, causing them all to topple over each other.

Remus once more found himself staring into Sirius' eyes, but then his eyes moved to the lips…and his head started moving up…

"Run! McGonagall's coming!"

Sirius had pushed himself off of Remus and jumped to his feet, stopping only to help him up before the Marauders split up.

So that was how Remus got to his dorm, rummaging in the corner of his trunk for some previously forgotten item.

"Aha! I've found it!" he stood up triumphantly, holding a small book bearing the title So You Want To Erase Certain Parts Of Your Memory? By Edgar Newt.

"Mr. Newt, I love you!" Remus did a little mental jig. His problems were finally over. He glanced around the room, and realized no one was there yet. It was still lunchtime, though…

"Oh, what the hell." Remus ran over to his bed and began to jump furiously on it. After a while, he decided to try back-flips and front-flips and twists and turns. He was halfway trough executing a very complicated double back flip when the door shot open and a blur rushed into the room, jumped onto the bed, grabbed him around the waist, jumped into his still open trunk, and closed the lid.

All that in one fluid motion.

Remus only came to his senses when the trunk was locked and he realized his captor was hugging him close. He opened his mouth to let out a scream, but the figure covered his mouth with a hand. Stray hairs tickled his ears as the figure leaned down.

"Shh, Remmie, it's only me."

"Sirius?" Half frantic, half-relieved, Remus turned and squinted slowly at his best friend. "What's going on? You almost killed me!"

Even in the dark, Remus could tell Sirius was smiling. "Nothing big…"

"But?" Prompted Remus.

"Maybe I poured a bit of some potion I'd nicked from the Potions cabinet…and poured it all into Evans' drink…"

"So?" Remus couldn't see how it affected Sirius.

"Well, she turned into a frog, and she can't be turned back until she kisses James, and means it. Evans went berserk, but James went even crazier. I'd thought he'd be happy, but no, he starts carrying on about how she might never kiss him, and she'd stay a frog forever! So I hexed him and ran."

Remus couldn't repress the snort of laughter, and as Sirius blinked at him, it became a fully-fledged laugh attack. He couldn't stop, even when they heard footsteps on the stairs.

"Hey—er, Rem, can you stop? Remus, c'mon, please!"

Remus pushed his friends' hands away and kept it up, as Sirius scrambled frantically for an escape.

"SIRIUS BLACK, I KEEL YOU! I KEEL YOU NOW!"

Sirius blanched, and looked towards Remus, who, if possible, was cackling harder still. And now that Sirius' hands were preoccupied (being held down) he didn't have anything he could work with.

Abruptly, a small light went off in his head. Sirius frowned on it with some uncertainty. He was a seventh year, damn it! He could think of some other way!

There was a loud whooshing noise, followed by a bang, which was the unmistakable sound of a door being blown off its hinges. Sirius wasted no time in turning around and covering Remus' mouth his only available appendage.

His mouth.