Title: As a Friend

Author: StarQuality

Disclaimer: I not be owning The Red Dwarf-ness.

Summary: A row turns into an opportunity to share some feelings...

Pairing: Lister/Rimmer. But not REALLY.

A/N: This is a first from me, it's like slash, but not. Like Splenda. "It's made from sugar, and tastes like it, but with less calories...". If you're not from the U.K, that probably doesn't make a lot of sense. But anyway, this is my first fic in awhile, so yeah. Sorry about quality. It's not a slash, it's more of a friends fic, with slash possibilities. Yeah. It's one of my longest single chapter fics, whoo. I'm typing it out from my written copy, that's why it hasn't taken me long to 'write', before you ask. Put it where you will in the Series, but Rimmer isn't hard light. But he's sitting on a chair. Well, what would a fic be without inconsistencies! It started out as a little dig towards us Slash-Writers, but turned into this. Meh. Read it, you might like. Dialogue heavy.

Start time: Monday, August 1st 2005 - 1:18am
Finish time: Monday, August 1st 2005 - 2:59am

Lister and Rimmer's faces came together, closer and closer... Until The Cat's head popped up between them.

"You two aren't going to do any of that male-on-male action, are you?", he asked,

The other two raised their eyebrows, "No...", they said, shocked that anyone could even suggest such a thing. Lister let out a little chuckle, and The Cat looked slightly relieved,

"Good.", he got up and brushed himself down, "That's nasty. I can't be dealing with that shit.", and he left.

The other two sat and stared at each other for a little while, wondering who would be first to break the silence. Both were thinking about what their feline companion had said. Rimmer was first to speak, he coughed, and then slowly said, "It is nasty, really. Why does everyone thin we're a couple! Or that neither of us can sleep at night because of raging hard-ons and emotional torment?". He stood up and walked around the room, "I mean WHY? Why does everyone try to make us make out?"

"It's you." Lister suggested, "You've got a gay face.". He sensed he had said the wrong thing when Rimmer spun on his heel and glared at him angrily, "Um... What I mean is, that, uh... you're so attractive that... everyone is... attracted to you.".

Rimmer's face softened and he thought for a second, "Yeah. I guess you're right." he walked over to the mirror and peered into it, "But why with you? Why not Cat? Or Kry... No, that's a little too sick."

"Hey, you've been accused of being in love with the Cat. So have I. But, for some reason, I guess..." he was stuck. Rimmer looked at him expectantly, "I dunno."

They both sighed. Rimmer sat at the table and started fiddling with a book that Lister had been sniffing. Lister lay down on the bottom bunk, and Rimmer didn't say anything. He didn't even tell him to take his shoes off.

"Maybe it's because I'm just so gorgeous!" Lister laughed, "Nobody can resist me. And because you don't get any - ever - you're especially vulnerable."

That hit Rimmer hard, "Vulnerable? That's a long word for you! Where did you learn that one then Listy? At art college? No... Was it during a cartoon film? That's about as intellectual as you get!" Rimmer snorted.

Suddenly, quick as a flash, the mood changed. Lister sat up and looked angry, "What that hell's that supposed to mean?",he asked,

"Well..." Rimmer turned around in the chair to face the younger man, "... you're hardly Albo Einstein, are you?"

"...At least I know how to eat Gazpacho SOUP." spat Lister, "You really think you're better than me, don't you? Well, let me tell you something, Arnold Judas Rimmer, I am SO much better than you." he stood up and put his face very close to Rimmer's, "You're dull, mean, arrogant, selfish, ignorant, tight and a total, total smeghead."

Lister turned around and stalked out of the room, leaving Rimmer alone, "I know I am." he muttered, putting his face in his hands.

After the door shut, Lister sunk to the ground and rocked back and forward on his heels. Why did he have to say that? Rimmer hadn't deserved that at all. He was a decent bloke, just misunderstood. The poor guy had had a hard life, and Lister had just made it slightly worse. The young Scouser punched his jaw, trying to snap out of it. But it was no use. The pain meant nothing, all he could think about what he had said. There had been no reason for it, even if it had been provoked. But then again, hadn't he started it? What Lister really didn't understand was why they couldn't have a civil conversation without it breaking out into a row. It happened all the time, even if they were just talking about the colour of the ship, it would result in a fight. If Rimmer had still been alive, or even hard-light, they could easily have become physical fights. So many times they had almost come to blows, but there were obvious restrictions. So, how come Rimmer hadn't kicked off when Lister had said that about his face being gay? Was it because it had been covered up with a rare compliment? Or did Rimmer not really care? Did he even really notice? Sighing, Lister rubbed his face.

"Why can't me and Rimmer get on?" he asked the air,

"Because we're us."

"Rimmer?", Lister looked up and saw Rimmer's tear-stained face. That wasn't normal. After a row, they both generally retreated to separate rooms and sulked for a little while. So, why did this one affect them both so much? Were the comments they had made really that scathing? Was it really that heated? According to Rimmer's eyes, it had been. He sat down on the floor next to Lister.

"Hi."

"... Y'know, maybe you're right. Perhaps we're not... meant to be."

"In what way?"

"In a friendly way. Don't worry... Rimmer... Why do you have... Have you been crying?"

The older man looked to the ceiling, "Yeah."

"Why?" Lister suddenly felt a surge of compassion for his bunkmate,

"Because..."

"Was it because of what I said...?"

"... Yes." Rimmer murmured, "It hurt me Listy. But that's only because it's true. You were right. I am a total smeghead. I've been horrible to you for all of these years and there is no way you deserve that."

"Oh, I don't know. I can be a bit of a bastard from time to time.", Lister said, "And I don't shut up about Kochanski." he added.

Rimmer smiled, "Well... You haven't mentioned her for awhile..." he admitted, "Gone off her?"

Nodding, Lister slid down the wall to lay on the floor, "Well, she is... was gorgeous. The loveliest face and the cutest smile... But I guess I just don't... well... you know. I mean, it's been awhile... We haven't seen a woman for so long, it's hard to remember what one looks me. What goes where, you know."

"Yeah..." Rimmer said thoughtfully, hugging his knees, "They were always... I never really had much experience with them..."

"I know..."

"Am I really that bad? I mean, am I that repulsive? Women, they always seemed to see right through me. As if I wasn't there at all. Invisible, almost. Why? I know I'm not that nice a person, but I never thought I was exceptionally ugly."

"You're not..."

"Thanks." Rimmer smiled, genuinely grateful for the compliment, "So why... In fact... Can I tell you a story?" Lister nodded, "Once, just before I signed up to work on the ship, I met a girl. Sally, her name was. She was gorgeous. We didn't sleep together because she wanted to stay a virgin until she got married. I agreed with her, and said that I wanted to wait too, when in fact I was only a virgin because nobody would sleep with me. But anyway, at the time I had been in a steady relationship for about ten years, with my right hand." they both laughed, knowingly, "She teased me too. At first I didn't think it was on purpose. She wore tight blouses and little black skirts with fishnet stockings... She turned me on so much, but wouldn't let me touch her. So... One day I went to the bank and took out all of the money I'd been saving..."

Lister interrupted, "What were ya savin' for?"

"I was going to buy a ship. Sounds ridiculous, but I nearly had enough for a little one. If I'd bought that ship, I guess I wouldn't be dead, and you wouldn't be three million years away from home. Well. Actually, we'd both be dead, but I digress. I drew out all of my money and bough her an engagement ring. When I proposed, she was a bit shocked but seemed quite keen..."

"Wait." Lister said, "Are you telling me that you were engaged?" Rimmer nodded, "... and you did it to get your leg over!"

"No! No! I really loved her! At first, I guess it was just because I was a horny bloke but the more I thought about it, the more I started to come round to the idea. Married life wouldn't have really suited me. But I was young, and in love. Anyway, a few days after I proposed, she left me this note... Hang on, I got Holly to make a hologramatic copy of it. I've got it here..." he searched in his pocket and brought out a tatty piece of paper. He held it over Lister's face so that he could read it,

'Dear Arnold,
Sorry, but I've found someone better. Enclosed is the ring you bought me. By the way, it wasn't real gold as I have a green mark on my finger. Oh, and I'm not really a virgin. And you have a pair of my knickers stashed in your top drawer, along with your dirty mags. FYI: Real women don't look like that. Anyway, can I have them back? The pants, not your porno magazines.
Sally.'

Lister read it twice, trying to take it in. Poor Rimmer, she must've crushed him. Was she the reason that he was so pathetic when it came to girls? "Wow. That's... What a bitch."

"Yeah."

"You've kept it all this time?" he asked, thinking, "Poor guy..."

"Mm. It reminds me that I'm a total gimp..." as Lister shook his head fiercely, Rimmer folded the note up and put it back into his trouser pocket, "She was almost worth it you know Listy."

Lister didn't understand how anyone like her could be worth anything, let alone a man who loved her, "How d'ya mean?"

His older companion looked at his feet, not sure how best to explain what he had meant, "Well... I mean, she was so beautiful, and she made me feel loved. But she turned out... like that. I didn't really get over it for years. Well, months. Honestly, I always had this mad, romantic idea that she'd come back to me, realising she'd made a terrible mistake. She never did. Well, it would've been a bit hard, me being in deep space and all. But then, Yvonne McGruder came along and... well, we all know what happened there."

"Yeah..." Lister shifted uncomfortably, and turned onto his side to face Rimmer, propping himself up on his elbow, "We do. Well. I was always the one to do the breaking up, and that's tough too. Don't scoff, it is. Well, it's tough when you don't want to hurt the other person. I was afraid of my girlfriends getting too involved with me. I never really loved any of them. 'Cept Krissy of course, but then..."

"But then I killed her."

"But then you killed her."

"Sorry about that, by the way."

"S'alright." Lister shrugged, "She'd be dead by now anyway I guess."

The pair laughed together for the first time in... well, ever. It was nice to have a laugh together. Just them. Not with The Cat, or Kryten, where the jokes were generally at the expense of one of the four of them, but just a laugh, "Were you really in love with her then Listy?"

Lister paused, "You know what?"

"What?"

"I wasn't I thought I was, and I had a huge crush on her, but love? Nah. I've never really been in love."

"Me neither."

"It's a shame, because I'd like to have been. They say it's the best and worst feeling in the World, love. But you don't always notice the bad bits. And if you do, they're overshadowed by the wonderful parts... But hey, not much chance of us finding out now though, is there?"

"...Not really. Unless it's true and we really are secretly madly in love."

Lister laughed, "The sad thing is," he said, only half joking, "I think you're the love of my life."

Rimmer joined in his giggling, "Wasn't that from a film?"

"Think so. But I mean it. Well. Sorta. Who do I spend the most of me time with?"

"Me."

"Who do I argue with the most?"

"Ha... Me..."

"Exactly. That's true love if I ever saw it," he shrugged again, "But I dunno."

Rimmer hugged himself. They were silent for a moment, before he said, "Well, you do have a point. But... What I don't understand, is how you, no offence, but a self-confessed bum, manages to get the girls?"

"You ARE kidding, right!" Rimmer shook his head, "Look at me! I'm stunnin' man!" he said, quite seriously.

That remark caused Rimmer to burst into uncontrollable laughter. He wasn't sure exactly why though. Was it because it was so untrue? Was it because of the way he'd said it? Was it his expression? Or was it because Rimmer had thought that for years, and now all of that tension had leaked away? Even Lister had to admit that it was quite amusing. They chuckled together for a good few minutes, before Rimmer said, "That's the funniest thing I think I've ever heard!"

"Really? Well, I didn't think you had a sense of humour!"

Rimmer wiped his eyes, "Oh yeah. I know loads of hilarious jokes."

"Go on then. Tell me one. Make me laugh."

"Okay..." Rimmer thought for a second, "Right. So there's this magician., and he's doing a bit of practice on his wife. And he accidentally turns her into a sofa, right? So he takes her to the hospital, and goes home. The next day, he rings and asks how she is, and the nurse says..."

"She's comfortable!" Lister chimed in,

"You know it!" Rimmer was slightly surprised, and slightly impressed too, "I think it's funny, because she's a sofa, and..."

"Yeah, I get it Rimmer! That's a truly awful joke though."

"Is it? I thought it was quite funny. I mean, she's a sofa!"

It was Lister's turn to start laughing, Rimmer's expression was so sweet, like a little child, Lister couldn't help but giggle, "Oh, you are funny!" he said through his laughter,

"I am?" Rimmer asked. He didn't need an answer, Lister was clutching his side and wheezing, "Wow, I guess I am."

This time it was the younger man's turn to dry his eyes. He had no idea that the man he had called a goit for all of these years, actually had the power to make him laugh. To make him laugh so hard he thought he was going to die. For once, Lister wasn't really laughing at Rimmer in a mean way, he wasn't taking the smeg. Well, he was, really, but in a kind of nice, chummy, lads-y way. Both men knew this, and they were thoroughly enjoying their time together.

"I haven't had this much fun since I was about sixteen." Lister said, looking fondly at his new best mate, "When I found out my exam results..."

"Oooh, what did you get!"

"F in English... And maths. Science was a D. Only because I liked blowing things up. I actually took Esperanto too."

Rimmer was impressed, "Wow!" he remarked, "Did you do well?"

The other man shrugged, and thought back to his time at school, "Nah. I got a G. I knew a couple of phrases, but unfortunately... they didn't turn up in the exam."

"What phrases?"

"Uh... Just basic stuff. 'Where is the toilet?' 'I am not interested in buying perfume', 'No, I haven't got a condom...'... That sort of thing, y'know. Oh. And I knew how to order three beers."

"Three?"

"Yeah. So my excuse for being drunk in Esperanto-land would be that I simply don't know how to order one beer, so I have to keep ordering three. You can see the logic, yeah?"

Once again, Rimmer had to chuckle. Maybe it was because of what Lister had been saying, or maybe it was because he seemed to think there was a place called Esperanto-Land, "Yeah. I guess. Well, I did slightly better than you. I got C's and B's."

"Did you take Esperanto? Because no offence Rimmer, but you suck at it."

Yeah, I know. But no, I didn't. I took German. Got a B." he shook his head, "It was my best subject actually. I was awful at science, especially physics. Well, I expect you'd guessed as much. Woodwork wasn't my strong point either, as you know... History and geography... I was quite good at them, because I could immerse myself in them and forget about everything else..." he stared at the wall ahead of him, "School was not my favourite place to be you know."

"I know. Mine neither."

"You know I was bullied, right? Yeah. All the time I was in compulsory education. For no real reason at all."

Lister's face was full of sympathy, and regret. He knew how it felt to be on both sides. "I was a bully. But... I was bullied too."

Shocked, Rimmer turned to his friend, "You were bullied? I didn't know... You never told me that..." he moved so that Lister could see him properly,

"Mmm, well, I don't like to broadcast the fact, you know." he shrugged, "It was because I wasn't clever. And so I missed school all the time. I just hated going. Me Gran thought there was something seriously wrong with me, I had that many bellyaches." he blinked a few times, "It was really bad because I had been a bully first... to have it turn on you is... But anyway, I missed so much school, I didn't learn anythin'."

Rimmer had never heard Lister talk that way before. It seemed so sad. Normally Lister was full of optimism, so much so that it drove everyone mad. There was nothing more that A.J. Rimmer wanted more than to hold his companion. He seemed so small, child-like and almost fragile. "You did."

"What? How to get out of P.E by hitting myself with a can on beans, to give myself a headache!" he gave a hollow laugh, "Hardly an education Rimsy."

"No." Rimmer said firmly, "Well, along with that, you learnt how to not retaliate. Because as an ex-bully, you knew they would thrive on it and it would be worse."

"But I do retaliate... Whenever we fight..."

"I meant physically. I know we can't... But if we could, I know you wouldn't do anything to hurt me." said Rimmer, softly,

"Nah." Lister half-smiled, "That's cos... I love ya man."

"I love you too Listy."

The pair looked at each other straight on, and both hastily added, "As a friend."

Done.

Oh my God. A cookie to whoever works out the film reference line thing. And one to anyone who picks up the mis-quotes from Ross Noble. Too much dialogue, and it trails off, but it's not terrible.
It wasn't supposed to be anything big, just a little something to satisfy the plot-bunnies.
Until next time!
Star
xx