The pain is so bad. I don't know if I can continue. Nightmares come and nightmares go, remaining in my mind so I can feast on fear. I wish to sleep would overcome me, but also I wish it would stay away. For all that comes is suffering. and pain. and fear. Eating away at me like I'm some kind of bait. Eventually the pain and tears will lure me to a restless sleep filled with demons and monsters waiting for the right moment to attack. My mind is spinning, my heart bleeding, soul crying. A battle between sanity and insanity, depression and happiness. Happy. I haven't been happy for such a long time. A long long time. When am I going to explode. Who am I going to hurt in the process. I hope it's not him. I love him so much and he has no idea. Sometime I want to keep it that way, so he won't get hurt. I'm cursed. Everything good that comes my way, I manage to screw up. I don't want to ruin our friendship, but I don't want to be lonely. I'm so tired of being lonely. I have been for so long. So very long. I never thought I'd fall for him. I didn't really want to. Because I didn't want to hurt him. I don't care if I get hurt. I've been hurt so much. Physically, Mentally, Emotionally. It's almost like I'm immune to the hurt. Almost. Truthfully, I'm scared. I'm scared to sleep, I'm scared to stay awake. I'm scared of anything and everything. I trust so few people. I want someone to love me for who I am. Not laugh because I have dreams or cuz I want to accomplish something, make something of myself. I don't know if I can, I don't know if the demons will take over me and lead me unwillingly on path of destruction. To the end-all. So many people are hypocrites, and laugh at unnormalcy whatever normalcy is. There was someone who didn't laugh, who I trusted, who knew almost everything, but now he won't talk to me at all. I still love him to death and would honestly die for him. There's only one other person I can say that about, but I'm scared. Scared to tell him. I wonder if he feels the same as I do. I doubt it. Why would he. There's nothing to like about me. I'm ugly. I'm a bitch.I'm mean. There's nothing to like about me. I have so many problems. Who would want to deal with them. I don't want to, but I have no choice. The demons start to take over. Another night of restless sleep. Then I'll get up in the morning and face it all again. And him again. Without him knowing, I'm watching and wishing.