"Do you like cats?"
John was surprised by the question and he looked up from his plateful of substitute egg product to make a face at Rodney. "Why do you ask?" he countered.
Rodney shrugged. "Just curious. You look like a dog person."
"I like cats and dogs," John replied. He wondered if there was a reason why Rodney was asking him this. If maybe there was some hidden meaning he was supposed to be getting. But if that were the case, John was missing it. "Does it matter?" he prompted.
"No." Rodney shoveled a forkful of eggs into his mouth, chewed, swallowed then said, "I miss my cat."
John felt like he'd been hit with an anvil. Rodney was projecting. He missed Ford, he missed his cat. John wasn't sure he was ready for this. "Sorry." He didn't know what else to say.
Rodney nodded then reached for his coffee mug only to set it aside when he realized it was empty. "Did you have pets as a kid?"
"I had a dog. He got hit by a car." John was surprised at himself for revealing so much.
"How old were you?"
John grimaced, not really wanting to go there. But he sensed that Rodney needed to talk about this so he would humor him. For the moment. "I was ten. It was no big deal. We were moving again in a few months so he would have ended up with the neighbor anyway."
Rodney looked surprised. "You moved around a lot?"
"Military kid, Rodney," John replied. He pushed aside his plate and reached for his coffee cup, catching a glance at his watch. "You didn't forget about today, did you?" he asked, abruptly changing the subject. No more trips down memory lane. John preferred to live in the present moment. It was easier that way. Nothing to drag you down.
"Today?" Rodney's face scrunched up as he tried to remember what Sheppard was talking about. Then it hit him and he sighed. "Do I really have to go?"
John smiled as he listened to Rodney whining. "Yes...everyone does the training or you don't go through the gate." Two days had passed since Elizabeth had approved John's idea of retraining everyone. Yesterday he had found the perfect spot for target practice on the mainland and he had taken three groups there for practice sessions before dark. Today he would take another three or four and Rodney was in the first group. Rodney could fire a gun but he wasn't comfortable with it. John wanted it to become an extension of McKay's arm. It could save his life someday.
Rodney was still frowning. "Can't I go tomorrow? I really do have a lot of things to do today."
"You can do them later." John finished his coffee then pushed back his chair. "I've got stick practice with Teyla so the first group leaves in two hours. Don't be late, Rodney...I will hunt you down." With that John offered a half smile before turning and heading for the door.
"Major...are you in pain?"
John was surprised by the question and he let it show as he turned to lock eyes with Teyla. "No...I'm fine." His tone was carefully neutral when he replied.
Teyla studied him a moment, then nodded. "You...went somewhere else for a moment."
"Did I?" Once again John was surprised, or maybe not. He had zoned out for a moment, the image of Ford's face when John had explained to him about the effects about pulling G's without inertial dampening. The kid had turned green as he handed over the turkey sandwich he'd made for John as a bribe. He had to stop doing that. He had to let go of the past. Shaking off the memory, John twirled the sticks in his hands and fell into a fighting stance. "Let's go again," he invited.
"As you wish." Teyla moved to face him.
John watched her eyes, waiting for the flicker that would betray her intentions and he saw it a quick glance towards his left hand and John twisted and moved with his right hand, blocking her blow. Then he was the one striking out, a quick left which she deflected but it was only a distraction. John followed through with his right, slipping in past Teyla's defenses. Taking her down with the move she had used on him all too often.
Teyla looked surprised as she hit the ground, but she was smiling as she accepted his hand, letting Sheppard pull her to her feet. "You have learned well, Major."
"Had a good teacher." John rolled his shoulder as he moved to the bench and uncapped his water bottle. As he raised it to his mouth he felt a slight pull in his ribs. It grated at him how slowly he seemed to be healing.
"You must give yourself time to heal," Teyla interjected, softly.
John sometimes believed she could read his mind. Or maybe he was just projecting too much. He would have to be more careful. "Patience has never been one of my virtues," he replied.
Teyla smiled at that. "Some things are worth waiting for, Major. In time...all wounds will heal."
John knew what she was leading up too. Every day Teyla tried to talk to him about Ford. And every day John politely, but firmly, blew her off. He capped his water and stuffed it in his bag before snatching it up. "I have to go. I'm heading out to the mainland with the first team in thirty minutes." With that he was gone, but he knew that Teyla eyes were on him until he was out of sight. She watched him too closely. It felt to John as if everyone did that and he kept wondering what they were waiting for him to do.
Pushing such thoughts aside, John headed for his room. He was just about to step into a transporter, which would send him to his section, when Weir appeared before him.
"Can we talk?" she asked.
"If it's quick," John replied. "I have to shower and head out to the mainland."
Elizabeth nodded. "How is the training going?"
John shrugged. "So far so good. My men are pretty much up to par, but the civilians need work."
"Just don't push too hard."
"I won't break your civilians," John promised, and he was not quite teasing.
Elizabeth offered a weak smile then her eyes darkened as they locked on his. "I meant...don't push yourself too hard."
John was surprised to hear that. "I'm fine. Worry about Atlantis, not about me." His tone was carefully neutral but John felt a flare of anger that he had to snuff out.
"Fair enough." Elizabeth looked a bit hurt but quickly schooled her expression. "I wanted to ask if you've chosen anyone for your team yet?"
"As a matter of fact, I have." John had made his decision just this morning. "Lt. Blake. He's a good soldier."
Elizabeth was silent a moment, as if considering his choice, then she nodded. "I think he'll do well."
John said nothing. He just made to move past her into the transporter. He needed to get going. But a hand on his arm stopped him and he pulled back from her touch.
"One more thing," Elizabeth said, as she clasped her hands together in front of her. She looked a bit unsettled for a moment but brushed it off. "I was wondering if you could spare some time later this afternoon to look over a few mission reports with me. I have some decisions to make and I would appreciate your input."
"Whatever you decide, I'm sure it will be the right thing to do," John replied, without hesitation. She didn't need his advice in the past and he had no intention of offering it up to her now. He knew that it was nothing more than an empty gesture on her part. A type of negotiation between them. But John wasn't interested. "I have to go." With that he stepped into the transporter, thinking the door closed behind him.
Rodney found a shady spot and plopped down in it. He was tired. Sheppard had made him stay for two training periods to practice shooting. Actually, he mainly had him stay to practice loading and reloading his gun. Rodney knew he wasn't good at it. He was a scientist, not a soldier. So he fumbled with the clip a bit. So what? But he knew so what. He knew that Sheppard just wanted to make sure he could protect himself. Which was, overall, a good thing, but Rodney knew that something was driving the major.
The interesting thing was that Sheppard was being firm with everyone, but not demanding. Especially with the civilians. He was encouraging and patient but at the same time he was relentless. Not an easy balance to achieve, but somehow Sheppard managed it. For now.
"You all right, McKay?"
Rodney jumped at the sound of Sheppard's voice right beside him. Sometimes the man could move with the stealth of a cat. "Sure...I'm good," Rodney replied. "Why? Don't I look all right?" Without realizing it, Rodney started checking his own pulse. He wasn't a borderline hypochondriac for nothing.
John shook his head. "You look fine. So why are you sitting over here instead of shooting?"
"Because I'm hot and tired and I ran out of bullets," Rodney replied, honestly. "Besides, don't you think we need to save ammo?" Rodney was willing to try anything to be able to go back to Atlantis. He really did have a lot of things to do in his lab.
"SG1 sent a huge supply, McKay," John countered. "Don't worry about. Besides, it's ammo well spent if it enables you to protect yourself out in the field."
Rodney sighed and rubbed a hand over his face, then he swatted at what looked like an oversized fly as it buzzed around his head. "Look...I have you and the other grunts to protect me. Remember?" He figured that would get a rise out of Sheppard.
But John merely looked away from McKay and said softly, "Yeah...I remember." Then he turned back and his expression was neutral as he ordered, "Now get up and start shooting." That said he walked back to the target area.
Watching him go, Rodney suddenly realized something. The man John Sheppard used to be was fading away, and Rodney would miss him.
Elizabeth spotted Kate coming out of her office and cornered her. "Got a minute?"
Kate nodded. "Of course." She backtracked to her office and gestured for Weir to enter. "What's up?"
"I need to talk to someone," Elizabeth replied. "About Major Sheppard. And...about myself." She knew it was time to be honest.
"Okay." Kate sat down on the couch and waited.
Elizabeth sat down in the chair across from her. "This is really more about me. About what I'm feeling."
Kate nodded. "That's good. We haven't really talked about how Lt. Ford's death has affected you."
"That's the thing...I feel guilty about it, but not so much because of Ford's death but because of how my decision has affected John. I know I made the right choice, but it's put this wall up between the major and myself. He blames me for Ford's death."
"Has he said that to you?" Kate countered.
Elizabeth shook her head. "No. And he won't."
Kate's eyes narrowed. "Then that's a pretty big assumption to make, don't you think?"
"Not really." Elizabeth jumped up and began to pace. "Bottom line...I took away John's chance to try and save Lt. Ford. But letting him go back would have been suicide. But I doubt John will ever accept that."
"Have you talked to him about this?"
Elizabeth sighed. "No. He doesn't talk to me much now. Not that we ever had long conversations and most of the time it was always work related anyway. But I miss what we had."
Kate looked intrigued. "Which was?" She prompted.
"I don't know what to call it," Elizabeth confessed. She wasn't really sure herself what it had been. She only knew that she had lost it. From the moment she had first laid eyes on John Sheppard in the control chair, Elizabeth had felt connected to him. As if they were somehow bound together. And for all of their difference and the fact of their stations here on Atlantis, she felt as if they were friends. Just on some level that was different from everyone else. "I miss who John was," Elizabeth clarified. "He's changed."
"Everyone has," Kate said quietly. "It's to be expected. Especially here and given what we face on a daily basis."
Elizabeth closed her eyes and nodded. "I know that...but this is different. I feel as if I've lost a part of myself."
Kate was quiet for a moment then she asked, "And you think that loss is related to Major Sheppard?"
"I came to rely on what he offered me," Elizabeth replied. "He was yin to my yang, so to speak. He challenged me."
"And now?"
Elizabeth opened her eyes and felt a suspicious stinging. "Now he's so detached. So cold and distant. Like he won't let anything touch him. Anyone."
Kate nodded. "You have to realize that a lot has happened to Major Sheppard since he came here. To him more than anyone else."
"I know." And Elizabeth knew better than anyone. If she hadn't asked him to come to Atlantis, John's life would have been so different. She often wondered if he blamed her for that. Lord knew she blamed herself.
"You have to give him time to deal with what's happened," Kate offered.
Elizabeth knew that as well. "I know...but I need him to be one hundred percent. Atlantis needs him. And we can't wait too long. So...I would like you to talk to him. And I'm going to make it clear to John that if he doesn't talk to you, I won't clear him for gate travel."
Kate looked surprised by that. "Are you sure you want to go that route?"
"I'm sure," Elizabeth replied, not letting herself reveal any doubts. She had to believe this was the only way.
"All right then," Kate allowed. "I'll be ready for him anytime."
Elizabeth nodded. "Thank you." She turned to leave.
Kate stood up and touched her arm. "Was there anything else you wanted to talk about?"
"No." Elizabeth smiled as she lied, then she quietly left the room.
John almost stalked into Rodney's lab, and when he realized how angry he was he took a moment to calm himself. Anger was a wasted emotion. No one knew that better than he did. So John revealed nothing of what he felt as he made his way over to the far wall where Rodney was working at a long table. John carefully set a berretta down on the table, making a slight clatter.
Rodney had been focused on his lap top and unaware of Sheppard's presence, so he jumped at the sound and turned to snap, "What the hell are you trying to do? Scare me to death?"
"You forgot this on the mainland," John said quietly, pointing to the gun. "Don't do that again."
"Whatever." Rodney ignored the gun. Truth be told, he hated guns.
John moved the berretta, nudging the laptop over a few inches until Rodney made a grab for it. "Don't forget your gun again," John repeated, his tone still soft but there was a sharp undertone to his words.
Rodney glared at him then he nodded. "Fine. Got it."
"Good." John turned to go. He was tired and he wanted a chance to slip into oblivion for a while. But it wasn't to be.
"Major?" Rodney called after him.
John turned back. "What?"
Rodney stood up to face him. "Can I ask you something?"
"You can ask," John allowed. He wasn't feeling much like talking though and he figured McKay would get the hint pretty quick. Rodney didn't miss much.
"What's wrong with you?" Rodney blurted out. He hadn't meant to phrase it quite like that, but there it was.
John stared at him a moment, then shook his head. "There's nothing wrong with me."
Rodney rolled his eyes "Puhleez. Something is definitely wrong. You're not you anymore."
"Really?" John drawled, as he folded his arms over his chest. He was almost curious as to what Rodney meant. Almost. Still, he would play along for the moment. It wasn't as if he had anything else to do.
"You know...when Gaul and Abrams died you told me that we're at war and people die, but life goes on." Rodney took a step closer to Sheppard, forcing the major to lock eyes with him. "At the time I thought you meant it."
John remembered that moment. Rodney had been wallowing in guilt and John had understood that guilt. So he told Rodney a simple truth and he stood behind it. "I did mean it."
Rodney's eyes flashed with anger. "Then why is this different?"
"What are you talking about?" John shot back, and he felt his own anger stirring but he tamped it down.
"Ford. I'm talking about Ford!" Rodney knew he was shouting and he didn't care. "Ford died and you've changed and life isn't going on, Major. Not you're life anyway."
John resisted the urge to turn and leave. He would face this like he faced everything else. Head on. "I haven't changed, Rodney." He spoke softly, his voice almost a whisper.
Rodney exhaled in frustration. "Why do I even bother? I might as well talk to the wall!" Now he was the one turning away.
"Did you eat supper yet?" John asked, and he almost smiled when Rodney turned back to him with a stunned expression on his face. Like he couldn't believe John had asked him that.
"Yes...I ate. At supper time, just like a normal person does, Major." Rodney held up his left arm and tapped his watch. "In case you haven't noticed, it's almost eight p.m. Atlantis time?"
John just nodded. "I'll take that as a no." With that he turned and walked away, ignoring the fact that he felt disappointed. He heard Rodney call after him but kept walking. He stepped into the nearby transporter and headed straight for his room. He wasn't really hungry. So John took a shower with the intention of going to bed. But once he was dried off he dressed in jeans and a tee shirt and headed for the balcony. He wanted to be alone.
Rodney made himself continue working, but after an hour passed where he got nothing accomplished, he gave up and went in search of Sheppard. He stopped at the messhall and wasn't really surprised that no one had seen the major tonight. So Rodney went to Sheppard's room. No answer. He then contacted Elizabeth who hadn't seen Sheppard either. Then Carson, and finally Teyla.
Feeling warning bells going off, Rodney tried his radio. No response. But Sheppard might have just forgotten it. So Rodney convinced Elizabeth to try the intercom system. They stood side by side at the console as she sent out a message. Then they waited. Five minutes passed with no reply.
Rodney opened his mouth but Elizabeth was way ahead of him.
She tapped her radio. "Sgt. Bates I need you to find Major Sheppard."
"Yes, ma'am," was Bates crackled reply.
"We'll find him, Rodney," Elizabeth said softly.
Rodney nodded, "I know," then he headed off to search on his own.