Elizabeth stared at Kate in disbelief. "You're telling me that you've cleared Major Sheppard for active duty?"
Kate nodded, adding a warm smile to get her point across. "That's right. So I don't see any reason why you should not do the same."
"But..." Elizabeth shook her head then took a moment before her thoughts into words. "Are you sure he's okay? I mean...after what happened on the balcony..." She left that hanging.
"He fell asleep, Elizabeth." Kate's tone was gentle. "I don't believe he meant to hurt himself nor is he a danger to anyone else. Unless there's something you're not telling me."
Elizabeth almost wished there was, but she shook her head. "No. Nothing. But..."
Kate waited a moment, then prompted, "But...what?"
"But he's just so different now," Elizabeth blurted out, and she winced at how desperate and almost whiny she sounded. Kind of like a little kid to his parent going My toy is broken...fix it.
"People change, Elizabeth."
She knew that. "But this isn't the Sheppard I know."
Kate looked thoughtful. "Before this happened, how well did you know Major Sheppard on a personal level? Other that what you've read in his file?"
"Not much," Elizabeth conceded. And she realized how true that was. Other than the fact that Sheppard liked college football and he was reading War and Peace, she pretty much didn't know a damn thing about him. And it shocked her a little. Everything she thought she knew was strictly intuitive.
"I don't think anyone knows much about him. Certainly nothing other than what he's willing to share."
Elizabeth sighed. "Which is pretty much next to nothing."
Kate nodded. "Major Sheppard comes across as very warm and open and charming. He is extremely personable and I think he's a born diplomat. But for all that outward projection, inwardly he is a very private person. He doesn't let anyone in. And I think his trust is hard won. But he trusts you."
"He did...before. But not now." And that hurt Elizabeth to say. It was like a knife stabbing into her gut. "That's just one of the ways in which he's changed, Kate. But I'm still worried."
"He's dealing with what's happened the best way he knows how," Kate countered. "He's not going to talk about it because that's not what he does. But I think he'll do what he needs to do to get through this. Whether we like it or not. And, for the record, I have no doubt but that he would not let himself go back on duty if he thought he might endanger his team. Or anyone else for that matter.
On that point Elizabeth knew she had to concede. Major Sheppard would never put anyone's life in danger. "Point taken," she allowed.
Kate smiled then she leaned in a bit. "Can I be open with you?"
"Of course," Elizabeth invited. "I think that you're taking his behavior too personally."
"He's furious with me, Kate," Elizabeth shot back, and she felt more than a little defensive.
Kate nodded. "Maybe. But he's changed towards everyone, Elizabeth. He's shutting everyone out the same way."
Elizabeth shook her head at that. "It's different with me. But...you're right, he's not allowing anyone to get close to him. But what bothers me the most is that it's like..." She broke off a moment to find the right way to put what she was thinking. "Major Sheppard is a very passionate man. And there was this...fire...in his eyes. This...joy of life and adventure. But that's gone now. And I miss it." As she spoke, Elizabeth realized something and she held up a hand to stall whatever Kate was ready to say to her. "That's my hang up...isn't it?" She didn't need to see Kate's nod to know it was true. "Okay...I'll let him back on duty. As soon as Beckett clears him, Major Sheppard can go through the gate again."
"He'll be happy to hear that," Kate said, as she stood up and headed for the door.
"I'm sure he will," Elizabeth replied. She only wished she felt the same way.
John studied Teyla's eyes as they faced each other. So he was ready for her attack and easily countered. They continued on, sticks clacking together in an almost rhythmic beat, as they alternated attacking each other. In the end Teyla retreated and nodded to him.
"You have learned well, major," she said softly, and with a touch of pride.
"Had a good teacher," John replied. He nodded to her in return then moved to grab the towel from his gym bag. He wiped the sweat from his face then took a long drink of water, hoping that it would ease the ache in his head. John figured maybe he was dehydrated.
Teyla took a drink from her own water bottle, then turned to study Sheppard. "Maybe I speak freely?" she asked.
John winced as he recapped his bottle. He could guess what she wanted to talk about. Ford. But he turned to her and nodded, offering a slight smile. After his talk with Dr. Heightmeyer, John had come to realize that the reason everyone acted like something was wrong with him was because they weren't able to accept the fact that he had changed. So he had decided to make the effort to be the person everyone needed him to be. Then maybe things would get back to what resembled normal.
"Dr. Weir has told me that you will be cleared back to duty soon," Teyla began.
"That's right." John moved to sit on the bench. "Hopefully next week. I just need Beckett to clear me."
Teyla moved to join him on the bench. "I have spoken with Lt. Blake. He introduced himself to me."
John smiled. "Good. I think he'll do well."
"But it will not be the same as before," Teyla whispered.
"No...nothing will ever be the same," John replied. He felt his body tensing up, felt the pain in his temples flare up, throbbing in time with his heart beat. And suddenly the huge room felt small and suffocating. "I have to go," John hissed, rising to his feet and grabbing his bag. He left without looking back, but he could feel Teyla's eyes following him out the door.
John stared at the television screen. He had come to the rec room with his football tape, hoping to distract himself, if only for a couple of hours. But after a few minutes he turned the sound off and just sat there, eyes staring at the screen but not really seeing the game. He knew each play by heart anyway.
"Major?"
John stiffened at the sound of Rodney's voice. He wanted to be alone. But it was pretty stupid to think he could remain alone in the rec room. So he pushed himself upright and managed a smile. "What's up, McKay?"
Rodney moved around the couch and sat down. "Are you busy?" he asked then winced at how stupid that sounded.
"Not really," John drawled, keeping his voice pitched low. The slight headache that had been throbbing in his temples earlier had slid down into the base of his skull and the sound of his own voice, vibrating in his skull, stabbed like a knife. John rubbed the back of his neck as he asked, "Did you need me for something?"
"No." Rodney was blunt. "Look...I'm not much for talking - " He broke off when Sheppard snorted, then narrowed his gaze when he saw the other man wince. "Are you all right?"
John realized he was betraying too much and moved his hand from his neck to rest on his thigh. "I'm good. Are you ready to get back out in the field?"
Rodney made a face. "You haven't been cleared by Beckett yet."
"I will be." Of that John was certain. And he was anxious for that day to come. He needed to be back out there, doing something. He couldn't find ways to distract himself within the confines of Atlantis any longer.
"I'm glad. I kinda...you know...missed it." Rodney realized he was babbling a bit and he didn't care. At least Sheppard seemed willing to talk to him. Too bad he didn't have a clue what to say.
John nodded, without thinking, and instantly regretted it. He hissed and clamped a hand to the back of his neck and closed his eyes, willing the pain to ease.
Rodney watched Sheppard for a moment then he made a decision. "Turn your back to me," he ordered.
"What?" John opened his eyes and blinked at McKay in confusion.
"Turn around." Rodney made a turning motion with one finger pointed downward.
Suspicion clouded John's eyes. "Why?"
Rodney rolled his eyes then, forcibly, turned Sheppard. "Pressure points," he stated, as he tugged the major's hand from his neck and replaced it with his own. Rodney felt around for a moment then dug in hard. "How does that feel?"
"Ow..." John muttered then he held his breath as he realized the pain had eased up. It wasn't gone, but it was better. So he let himself lean into McKay's kneading grip. "That helps," John confessed.
"Of course it does," Rodney replied, unable to keep the smugness out of his voice. Then he let silence fall between them until Sheppard pulled away and turned to look at him. The hazel-green eyes seemed so dark now. So filled with pain and shadows. "What?" Rodney sniped, when he realized Sheppard was watching him intently.
John managed a small smile. "Thanks." It was all he had to give.
Rodney shrugged it off. "So...what are you watching?" he asked, even as he looked at the television screen and could see for himself.
"Same old thing," John drawled, as he settled himself more comfortably. He put his feet up on the makeshift coffee table that Ford had found - and that brought up an instant memory that John immediately snuffed out. He reached for the remote to turn the sound back up then grabbed a pillow and stuffed it under his head.
"Maybe you should check in with Beckett and get some aspirin," Rodney suggested, as he watched Sheppard shifting around. He could tell the pain had eased up, but he could also tell that the major was still hurting.
A part of John appreciated Rodney's concern, and his help, but a bigger part of him wished McKay would just go away and leave him alone now. But all John said was, "I'm good." Because he realized that maybe Rodney needed this. Maybe he needed to be here too and to pretend that everything was okay. So John would give him this. "Want to watch with me?" He pointed to the television screen.
Rodney found himself nodding, even though he hated football and they both knew it. "Hey...any popcorn left?" The last time they had watched this game, Rodney hadn't been able to eat any because of the personal shield he'd accidentally trapped himself with.
"Not sure," John replied. He hadn't bothered to look because he hadn't been hungry.
"Be right back," Rodney said, jumping up. He dashed off to the messhall, but ended up being gone for almost twenty minutes. He hadn't been able to find any popcorn, but he had rustled up some corn chips. So Rodney was munching contentedly as he reentered the rec room, only to freeze when he realized that Sheppard was stretched out and sound asleep. Rodney started to tip toe back out when he spotted the throw blanket on the back of one of the chairs. He grabbed it and spread it over Sheppard then he left the room and headed back to his lab. He had a lot of work to do and it kept him distracted.
John listened as Rodney's footsteps faded away. Once he was sure the scientist was gone, he sat up and reached for the remote and started the game all over again. He started to shove the blanket off only to end up wrapping it around him. He was cold. After the game ended, he folded the blanket and draped it back over the chair then he headed for his room. Once there, John got out his sticks and fell into a fighting stance. Then he practiced the moves that Teyla had taught him. Over and over and over again until his muscles burned and quivered from fatigue.
Only then did John step into the shower. He washed quickly, pulled on boxers and a tee shirt then he slid into bed and closed his eyes. The headache had moved back into his temples. But John was so tired that he slid seamlessly into slumber. And, for once, he didn't dream.