Elizabeth sat at her desk, one hand fisted under her chin, eyes locked on her computer screen. But she didn't see the report she was supposed to be reading. Instead she kept replaying the past few weeks. Over and over in her head. Wondering, not for the first time, if she had done the right thing. In her head, Elizabeth knew that she hadn't condemned Lt. Ford to death by her decision. She had no doubt, nor did Teyla or Rodney, that Ford had been as good as dead the moment they had left him behind. She also knew that had she allowed Major Sheppard to return for Ford, then he would be dead now as well. The worst of this being that Elizabeth had no doubt but that Sheppard knew he couldn't have saved Ford. But she also knew that there was a part of him that would never let go of the guilt, simply because he hadn't been allowed the chance to try.
Because she was a realist, Elizabeth also knew that what had happened wasn't the only reason why Sheppard had changed. It had simply been the catalyst. She had even spoken to Kate about this and, realistically, it had only been a matter of time before something like this was going to happen. And yet Elizabeth could not shake the guilt or regret that she was feeling. She couldn't stop blaming herself.
"Elizabeth?"
She jumped at the sound of her name and looked up to see Rodney standing in the doorway.
He looked irritated. "You wanted to see me? Because I have a lot of things I'm in the middle of."
"This won't take long," Elizabeth promised. "Come in and close the door, please."
"What's this about?" Rodney asked, as he did what he was told. But he didn't look happy about it.
Elizabeth closed her lap top then settled herself further back in her chair. Folding her arms over her chest, she focused on Rodney. "I wanted to talk to you about Major Sheppard."
Rodney looked surprised. "Why?"
"Because I know the two of you are friends."
"Not really," Rodney shot back, rather defensively. "We're team mates and he doesn't annoy me as much as some people, but I wouldn't label that as friendship per se."
Elizabeth was almost amused by Rodney's ramblings because they both knew better. But she also knew that Rodney didn't make friends easily, and that he kept people at arm's length as a form of self defense. She also knew that Major Sheppard, for all his outwardly charming affability, put up his own walls to keep people at a safe distance. "I just wanted to ask if you think he's ready to go back out into the field?"
Rodney frowned and was quietly contemplative for a long moment. Then he locked eyes with Elizabeth and said, "You're asking this because he's changed."
"Yes." Elizabeth saw no reason to deny it.
"We've all changed," Rodney said quietly.
Elizabeth nodded. "I know. But this is different."
Rodney shrugged. "I don't know what you want me to say. Look...Major Sheppard likes adventure. He likes exploring and shooting his guns and playing Capt. Kirk. So maybe letting him get back out there doing his thing would be therapeutic."
"Maybe," Elizabeth allowed. Then she smiled. "I've always seen the major as more of a Han Solo type. Or even Indiana Jones. He actually reminds me of a young Harrison Ford at times."
"Whatever." Rodney waved one hand in the air dismissively. "It's more fun calling him Kirk. He hates it."
Elizabeth felt a bit of the tension drain out of her. This felt almost normal. And maybe Rodney was right. Maybe all Sheppard needed was to get back out there to do what he did best. "Thank you, Rodney," Elizabeth said softly.
He jumped out of his chair. "So we're done?"
"We're done."
"Good." Rodney headed for the door but paused before he opened it and looked back at her. "So when will the major be cleared? I need to know when to be ready and stuff."
Elizabeth shook her head. "I don't know when exactly, but soon. He's with Beckett right now."
Rodney looked a bit surprised but then he shrugged. "Oh...that's good. Good." And with that he yanked the door open and hustled out.
"I hope so," Elizabeth whispered to the empty room.
"How are you feeling, Major?"
John resisted the urge to sigh at the question. Instead he forced himself to smile at Beckett. "I feel good." He would have said great but he figured he shouldn't push his luck. All he wanted was for Beckett to clear him.
Carson nodded as he continued his exam. "Your vitals are all good. How are the ribs?"
"Fine." John stretched and twisted his torso to prove his point. They twinged a bit but were otherwise fine.
"You look a bit tired."
John shrugged. "Stayed up late reading."
Carson reached for the chart on the bedside table and scribbled a few comments. "I'd like to see you gain a few more pounds."
"You've been saying that since we got here," John reminded him.
"Aye." Carson smiled at that. "How you survived in Antarctica for eleven months with zero percent body fat is beyond me."
John was smiling now. "I like the cold."
Carson looked surprised. "I thought you were from California. Hot and sunny all the time."
"I'm an all weather kind of guy," John joked, and he did it because he knew that Beckett needed to hear it. Because this was the kind of banter they usually shared and if he wanted to get cleared he needed to make it seem like everything was the same as it had been. He had to give everyone the illusion they preferred, instead of the truth. So be it. "So...what's the verdict, doc?" John prompted.
"You're cleared for duty, Major," Carson replied. "But I'm very serious about the weight gain. Add an extra meal a day. And get some rest."
John felt relief wash over him as he slid off the exam table. "Will do," he replied. "Thanks." With that he left the infirmary. He wanted to let Dr. Weir know that he was cleared and ready to head back through the gate.
Elizabeth paced in her office. Both Major Sheppard and Dr. Beckett had informed her that the major was cleared for gate travel. Sheppard had been smiling when he told her and Elizabeth had almost allowed herself hope that things would get back to normal. But she was afraid to believe. Right now she was afraid that she had made the wrong choice again. Instinct had twisted her stomach into knots. She could not shake the feeling that something was going to happen when Sheppard's team stepped through the gate tomorrow morning.
"Dr. Weir?"
"Teyla." Elizabeth whirled to see the Athosian woman smiling at her from the doorway. "Did you need something?"
Teyla shook her head. "No. I just came to see if you were all right."
Elizabeth was surprised by that. Or maybe not. Teyla always seemed tuned in to a person's needs. "I'm fine," Elizabeth said firmly.
"You are worried about Major Sheppard," Teyla countered, knowingly.
"Maybe a little," Weir allowed, because she would not lie to Teyla. There was little point in it anyway. Teyla always saw the truth.
Moving into the room, Teyla reached out to touch Elizabeth on the arm. "He will be fine," she said softly. "He will find his way as he always does."
Elizabeth nodded, wanting to believe that. "You still practice with him, don't you?" Teyla had invited Elizabeth to practice as well, but she never seemed to find the time.
"Yes...and he has learned well," Teyla replied. "Do not worry, Dr. Weir. I will watch over Major Sheppard, as will the others."
"I know." Elizabeth did know. Because John Sheppard inspired that kind of loyalty in people. He sure as hell had inspired it in her.
Teyla simply smiled then left the room.
John stood beneath the water spray, letting the heat of it sink into his skin and muscles. He had talked Teyla into a work out after supper and then he had returned to his room to continue practicing. After downing a couple of aspirin. John had brought his own bottle of extra strength Tylenol, hiding it in his back pack. He used it sparingly. But the ache in his temples was persistent and he knew he needed to sleep. Tomorrow he would be stepping through the worm hole again.
The mission was simple enough. A simple exploration to an unknown world. Teyla had never been to M3X-778 so they had sent a MALP through and the place appeared to be deserted. A simple recon mission, just to get them back into the swing of things and to let Lt. Blake find his niche on the team.
An image of Ford popped into John's head and he scrubbed his knuckles over his forehead, hard, willing it to fade away. He thought off the water, got out and dried off then he pulled on sweat pants and a tee shirt and climbed into bed. John closed his eyes and focused on relaxing every muscle in his body. A Tai chi exercise learned in his teen years.
Eventually the ache in his temples eased, his muscles unclenched and his body relaxed into the mattress. Only then did John invite the darkness to claim him. And he slept without dreaming.
John felt almost happy as he strolled over to the gate. In just a few minutes he would be going back out into the field with his team. It was only when Lt. Blake moved to stand beside him that John felt his smile fading. It should have been Ford standing there, but that was a thought he could not indulge in. So he shook it away and turned to watch as Teyla and McKay moved to join him. Then he saw Dr. Weir on the stairs and soon she was standing before him.
"Ready to get back out there, Major?" Elizabeth asked.
"More than ready," John replied. He could see the tension in her. It showed in the way she hugged her arms over her chest and was revealed in the frown lines in her forehead and the tightness around her mouth. He wondered if she was thinking about Ford as well, when he saw her gaze flicker over to Lt. Blake.
Elizabeth locked eyes with Sheppard. "Be safe."
He nodded. "Plan on it." With that he turned to look at his team. "Ready?" he asked.
"Ready sir," Lt. Blake replied.
"Ready, Major," Teyla responded.
Rodney was fiddling with his vest pockets, trying to tuck something into one of them, but he nodded in Sheppard's direction. "Yeah...ready."
John looked at Elizabeth.
She stepped back and ordered, "Dial up the gate."
John watched the wormhole form and he felt his smile returning. "Let's move out!" he shouted then he stepped through the event horizon without looking back.
Elizabeth heard the claxons go off and she jumped up and ran over to Peter's console. "What's going on?"
"Early return for Sheppard's team," he replied, as they both watched the gate dialing up. "Looks like they're coming in hot."
"Drop the shield," Elizabeth ordered then she ran for the stairs. She reached bottom as Rodney and Lt. Blake came running though, and she realized she was holding her breath as she waited for Teyla and Sheppard to appear. At least half a minute passed before they cleared the gate. "Raise the shield!" Elizabeth yelled then she exhaled as the gate shut down. She ran to Sheppard. "What happened?"
He looked pissed. "Angry natives," he replied.
Elizabeth was shocked. "I thought it was deserted?"
"Apparently not," Rodney interjected. "They're very primitive. They threw rocks at us."
"The major took a hit," Teyla commented.
Elizabeth locked eyes with Teyla and saw concern mirrored there. "Call for medical," Elizabeth ordered.
But Sheppard cut her off. "I'm fine!"
"You were hit with a big rock, major!" Rodney shot back, as he stalked over to the major.
"It just glanced off my shoulder," John replied, his voice calm and soft. But the effort took its toll. His body was vibrating with unreleased tension.
Elizabeth wasn't about to let them argue the point here. "I want everyone to report to Medical. Now." She used a tone that brooked no argument, and even though Sheppard glared at her, he acquiesced. He strode off with Rodney on his heels. Elizabeth watched Teyla move to follow them then she put out a hand to stop Lt. Blake. "What happened out there?" she asked, knowing that he would be able to give an unbiased opinion.
Lt. Blake stood at attention as he replied. "Like Dr. McKay said, the natives threw rocks at us. Big rocks. They just popped up out of no where. Major Sheppard ordered us back to the gate and Teyla stumbled and fell. The natives drew closer and started focusing on attacking her. Major Sheppard went back for her and took a solid hit in the shoulder. But it didn't even slow him down."
"Thank you, Lieutenant," Elizabeth said. "Go get checked out." As he left she felt a smile curve her lips. He had sounded a bit awed by Sheppard's actions. That wasn't anything new to Elizabeth. She was often awed by the things Sheppard did. By how unselfish and heroic he truly was. But she shook that thought aside as she returned to her office. She would give Beckett time to check everyone out then she would go and find out the damage.
John shifted on his bed, waiting for the pain medication that Beckett had given him to kick it. It was the good stuff after all and John was just sore enough to want its sweet oblivion. As sore as his shoulder was, and given that it was one huge black and purple bruise, it was pretty damn sore. It was the ache at the base of his skull that bothered John more. He blamed Rodney for the headache. The man hadn't shut up the entire time they were in the infirmary.
"Major?"
John recognized Elizabeth's voice and considered pretending to be asleep. But he knew that would be the coward's way out of a confrontation and he was no coward. So he sat up and called out, "Come in!" while thinking on the lights.
The doors slid open and Elizabeth stepped inside. Once they were closed behind her she asked, "How are you feeling?"
"I'm good. Just a little sore. Nothing to keep me from going back out." John wanted to make sure she understood that.
"Well...I spoke with Carson and he said you could use a few days of rest," Elizabeth countered. "He said you're likely to be sorer in the morning than you are now."
John would have shrugged but resisted the urge. He knew it would hurt like hell to do so. "Guess I can handle a few days off." Not that he would like it. But he would deal with it, it wasn't like she was giving him a choice. Just like before. He winced, inwardly, at that thought. He was still angry with Elizabeth for what she had done, but John hated feeling that way. He just wanted to move past it. She was the one making it hard to do. She wouldn't accept the fact that things had changed between them. So he played the game of letting her believe otherwise. "Maybe I'll catch up on all the reports I've been ignoring," John continued, letting a smile curve his lips. He wanted her to say her piece then leave.
Elizabeth moved closer and studied him. "Are you sure you're all right, John?"
"I'm fine." He held her gaze, never wavering from its intensity. Let her look. All she would see was what she wanted to see anyway. "Just tired."
"Okay...I'll let you rest then." Elizabeth turned towards the door but looked unsettled.
John caught the look on her face. "Did you want something specific?" he called after her.
Elizabeth turned back and shook her head. "Not really. I just wanted to see for myself that you were all right."
"As you can see...I'm just fine." John would never let her see anything else.
"Good." With that Elizabeth keyed the door open and walked away.
John waited for the doors to close then he dimmed the lights and laid back down. He could feel the pain killer kicking in and he closed his eyes and let himself drift away. But it wasn't long before he started dreaming.
He was back on the planet. He went back to bring Ford home only all that was left of the Lieutenant was a desiccated husk. And when John knelt down and reached out to retrieve Ford's dog tags, the husk shattered into ashes and John was horrified to see that he was covered in them.
He came awake with that image in his head. So clear and vivid that he brought the lights up to checks his hands. He could feel the coldness of the ashes on his skin but there was nothing there. John shook his head, wanting to shake away the memory but all he managed to do was send a spike of pain shooting through his temples. Then his stomach twisted and he was off the bed. He made it to the bathroom just in time to be violently sick.
John stayed, curled up in the corner of the bathroom, for the rest of the night.