John was cleared within three days and they went on another mission. It was supposed to be an overnighter, but twelve hours later they were in the jumper and on their way back home.
Rodney was in the co pilot seat and bitching at Sheppard. "You played bait for the Wraith," he snarled.
"I'm not having this conversation with you, Rodney," John replied. And he promptly tried to tune Rodney out. He was tired and sore and he wanted nothing more than to go home, down a double dose of aspirin then sleep for a week. Sleep without dreaming.
"Yes...you are," Rodney shot back, and he glared at Sheppard's profile. "You played Wraith bait, Major. Wraith...bait." Rodney spoke slowly, as if Sheppard was too dense to understand him otherwise.
John swallowed a sigh and turned to look at McKay. "I did what I had to do," he said quietly.
Rodney shook a finger at him. "You made yourself a fucking target!"
"Blake was down and about to have the life sucked out of him!" John snapped back, and now he was getting pissed. So he glared at Rodney. "I distracted the Wraith until you and Teyla got there." John took one hand off the controls to rub the back of his neck. His headache had slid into the base of his skull and it was all Rodney's fault. "Look...you got there and Teyla stunned the ugly bastards and Blake and I are fine. Happy ending all around. So let it go, McKay." That was what John was going to do. Let it go and move on.
"You really don't get it, do you?" Rodney stared at Sheppard in stunned disbelief.
John did sigh this time, just a little, and patronized Rodney by asking, "Get what?"
Rodney gritted his teeth then replied, "If Teyla and I had shown up just ten seconds later...you'd be dead. Dead! Does that compute in the least, major? Or did your brains get scrambled and bleed out your ears when that Wraith knocked you into orbit?"
"You're the one who doesn't get it, Rodney," John countered, with a calmness that was almost eerie, even to himself. "Your timing was excellent and Lt. Blake and I both thank you. Now let it the fuck go." John's voice was still soft and calm, but he was shaking inside. Dampening his anger made his head hurt worse and John really wanted to down a handful of Tylenol then pass out in his room.
"Bastard!" Rodney hissed then he got up before he said anything more and stalked to the back of the jumper. He dropped down next to Teyla on the bench, where she was sitting and keeping an eye on Lt. Blake, who was dozing. The marine had suffered quite a shock from his first, up close, confrontation with a Wraith. "He okay?" Rodney asked, pointing at Blake's recumbent form.
Teyla nodded. "He is fine."
Rodney sighed. "Good. Do me a favor and go talk some sense into Sheppard. Damn fool!"
"Perhaps it would be best to simply let it go, Dr. McKay," Teyla countered. "We are all alive and returning home. Perhaps it is enough."
"You would think so, wouldn't you?" Rodney replied then he fell silent.
John had heard the exchange and he felt relief wash over him. Teyla had diffused the situation for him and he would thank her for that later. For now John was focused on getting them back home. They were ten minutes away from the gate.
He didn't realize that the hand he used to rub his neck was shaking.
John sat on the infirmary bed, letting Beckett do his thing. He answered every question honestly, admitted to being a little sore and accepting three Tylenol for his headache. So he figured he was well on his way to slipping out to freedom, when McKay spoke up.
"He got knocked about twenty yards by a Wraith and landed hard," Rodney stated. "Very hard." He, pointedly, avoided Sheppard's gaze.
"Really?" Carson looked at the major anew. "Why don't you slip your shirt off and let me have a look?"
John resisted the urge to glare at McKay, instead he smiled at Beckett. "I'm fine. Really. No new injuries, just a bit sore...like I said. All I need is a shower and about ten hours of sleep. All of which I can get started on if you let me out of here."
Carson narrowed his gaze, studying Sheppard a moment, then he nodded. "All right then. But if I find out you've been keeping things from me, I will haul your ass in here and strap you to a bed so fast..."
"I get it." John put up a hand to stop him from further clarification. Gingerly, he slid off the bed, still not looking at Rodney. "Later," John said to Beckett then he grabbed his jacket and walked out of the infirmary. He could hear Rodney bickering with Carson and heard his name mentioned, but he didn't care.
Five minutes later, John was in his room. He took his shower then stretched out on the bed, waiting for the Tylenol to kick in. After a while he dozed off, but even in sleep he knew how restless he was. How helpless he was against dreaming. And dream he did.
He could see Lt. Blake, downed by a Wraith, the life sucker looming over Blake with his arm pulled back, ready to strike. So John ran up and shot him, and that made him turn around and focus on him, which was fine. Until John caught sight of the body on the ground. It wasn't Blake, it was Ford. John took a step closer, staring at the sunken, aged, face of his 2IC. Ford...John whispered.
Ford stared at him with dead eyes. You didn't come back for me, sir.
With a jolt, John came awake, feeling his heart thudding in his chest and the clamminess of cold sweat on his skin. He sat up, biting back a moan as pain stabbed in his temples. Easing off the bed he went into the bathroom and splashed cold water on his face. As he reached for a towel he heard a knock on the door. John grimaced. He could guess who it was. But he tossed the towel aside and went into the other room and thought the door open.
Rodney looked startled but then he walked right in. He opened his mouth to speak.
John cut him off. "I don't want to argue with you," he said, flatly.
"No arguing," Rodney allowed. "There's no point in it, is there? You won't listen anyway."
"Then why are you here?" John countered, because he really wanted to be alone.
Rodney sighed and ran a hand over his face. "I have no clue," he confessed.
John wasn't sure how to respond to that. "Rodney --"
"I just wanted to make sure you're okay." That all came out in a rush then Rodney stood there, shuffling his feet and looking nervous.
"I'm okay," John said softly. What else was he going to say? They all lived with the lie. Swallowing his own sigh, John lifted a hand and kneaded the back of his neck. His headache had slipped down to the base of his skull again.
Rodney was watching. "Another headache." It was a statement more than a question.
John locked eyes with him. He wasn't getting into this. "It's been a long day, Rodney. I'm tired."
"I know." Rodney just stared back for a long moment then he turned and strode over to the door. "Sorry I bothered you." With that he was gone.
"Dammit!" John felt a stab of guilt. He knew that Rodney was just trying to be a friend. But he didn't want people to care about him. He just wanted them to move on and get past this shit. Knowing that he wouldn't be able to sleep now, John grabbed his sticks and started to practice, but the movement made his head hurt so much he felt nauseous. So he tossed them aside and left his room, heading for the balcony.
The night air was cool, but not cold, and he'd had the presence of mind to shrug into his jacket so John enjoyed the soft breeze against his face. He stood at the railing for a long time, letting the images that had been haunting him flitter through his mind. Sumner, the faceless bodies he had lost count of as he had listened to the Genii soldiers splat against the gate shield. Abrams and Gaul. Ford. They weren't the only faces. Steve and Bob were dancing in the shadows as well and John shivered for a moment, feeling as if they had slithered across his skin, leaving behind icy cold trails of red blood mixed with blue that he couldn't see, only feel.
He was tired of death.
Folding his arms across his chest, John turned and walked back inside. He walked the corridors of Atlantis, passing by the living, but only seeing the dead.
Eight days later they came through the gate, hot. Rodney was equal parts terrified and pissed off, both of which were responsible for the way his legs were shaking, but he willed them to keep him upright, given as he was supporting Sheppard. The major's right are was slung over Rodney's shoulder, because an arrow had pierced Sheppard's left shoulder, all the way through, just under the collar bone.
"Close the gate!" John yelled, even though it made both his head and his shoulder hurt.
"Get Beckett!" Rodney shouted, even as he steered Sheppard over to the steps and tried to settle him down. But Sheppard was pulling away, and Rodney realized he was looking over at Teyla and Lt. Blake, making sure his team was okay. Rodney could appreciate that, given the fact that the arrow in Sheppard's shoulder had been meant for him. Rodney had even seen it coming only to find the major stepping in front of him at the last minute. As if in slow motion, Rodney had watched him fall back and had barely had the presence of mind to catch him. Then Sheppard had tried lurching to his feet and Rodney had helped him. Then they had run for the gate and now they were safe. But Rodney was still shaking, and he was still pissed. "Sit down!" he barked at Sheppard.
Elizabeth had run down the stairs and she was reaching out to Sheppard. He pulled back and she lowered her arm. "Beckett will be here in a minute. Sit down, Major."
John didn't want to sit down. He knew if he sat down he wouldn't get back up. But his legs buckled and he felt hands catching him and everything went black for a moment and when it shaded back to gray and he opened his eyes, he was lying down with Beckett looming over him.
"You're going to be okay, major," Carson said firmly. Then he ordered his team to move out.
John closed his eyes and let himself fade away.
Rodney watched them go. He wanted to go with them, to make sure that Sheppard was going to be alright, but there was something he needed to do first. He turned to look at Elizabeth. "Can we talk? Now."
"Okay." She was still watching the med team and the gurney, but once they were out of sight she turned to Rodney and nodded. "My office." She climbed the stairs with Rodney on her heels. Once there she shut the door and gestured for Rodney to sit.
He remained standing. Locking eyes with Elizabeth, Rodney stated, "You have ground Major Sheppard." He could see he had surprised her, although the only physical evidence was the way her eyes went wide for a second.
Elizabeth sat down at her desk then asked, "Why?"
"Because he's suicidal! That's why!" Rodney was practically yelling but he couldn't help it. Then his legs turned to rubber as the shock of what had happened finally hit him and he collapsed into the nearest chair. Rodney looked down at his hands where they lay in his lap. They were shaking. "It's supposed to be me on the gurney."
"What? What do you mean?" That got Elizabeth's attention and she got up and came around the desk to face him.
Rodney kept his eyes on his hands as he told her what happened. "He stepped in front of me and took the arrow. That's what he does now. He thinks he's a goddamned human shield. It's what he did with Teyla, and last time with Lt. Blake."
Elizabeth closed her eyes for a minute, as if processing the information. "He's protecting his team, Rodney. That doesn't make him suicidal."
"You weren't there all those times," Rodney argued. But he couldn't really explain it to her. It was all about the look in Sheppard's eyes when he did it. The cold determination that couldn't quite blot out the shadows and the pain. "You have to ground him, I'm serious. If you don't the odds are he'll be dead next mission."
"Given his injury, I don't think the major will be going back out for a few weeks," Elizabeth said gently.
Rodney looked up at that and let her see how serious this was. "Great, then he has a few weeks to live. Will you break the news or shall I? Not that he'll care." Rodney was angry enough now that he had stopped shaking. He jumped to his feet. "You do what you want, Elizabeth. You'll have to live with what happens." With that he stormed out of the room.
Elizabeth watched him go then she tapped her radio. She talked to both Teyla and Lt. Blake, asking them if they thought Major Sheppard was suicidal. Putting that word out there shook them both a bit, as it did her. Ultimately both Teyla and Lt. Blake believed that saying Sheppard was suicidal was too extreme. But they did concede that he was putting his own life at risk in his attempt to protect them.
After contacting Beckett and learning that Sheppard would be spending a few days in the infirmary, but that he would make a full recovery, Elizabeth took a long walk. She ended up in the infirmary, sitting in a chair next to Sheppard's bed. Her eyes never left his face as she waited for him to wake up.