He was walking through a mist that was cold and swirled around him, making him shiver as it brushed over his skin and clung - damply - to his clothes. But he kept walking, kept searching. He wasn't going to leave anyone behind.

"DAX! MITCH!" He shouted as loud as he could and his voice echoed back at him, mockingly. He ignored it and continued on, but he couldn't see a foot in front of his face between the mist and the darkness. Without warning he stumbled, falling to his knees, putting one hand out to catch himself and he felt something warm and slick against his skin and when he found his balance he lifted his hand and stared at the blood that was smeared across his palm. John then scrambled back as he stared at the fragmented body pieces floating in a river of red. He swallowed back a gag reflex and made to turn away when a glint of something silver caught his eye. He reached down and picked up the set of dogtags.

To John's surprise they were blank. No names or information etched into them. But he knew what they represented. All the dead. Dax and Mitch and Sumner and Ford. John curled his bloody fingers over the tags, feeling the edges bite into his skin.

He had failed them all.

"Major Sheppard..."

He turned and saw the Wraith standing there. Steve and Bob and the ten thousand year old sonofabitch who had killed Gaul and Abrams. Even those deaths were his fault. So much death. So much darkness.

John was tired. He let his weapon fall to the ground and a smile curved his lips as he strode forward to meet his fate. He didn't flinch as taloned fingers dug into his chest. He didn't feel any pain as they fed off him. There was only darkness as his body convulsed. He drew in one last shuddery breath then exhaled slowly.

Then he heard someone calling his name.

"MAJOR! JOHN! Dammit...don't you do this to me!"

He recognized the voice. Dr. Weir. She sounded terrified and angry. John didn't know why. He didn't want to know. He wanted to sleep.

"Give me room!"

He knew that voice too. Beckett. John felt something pressed over his face, felt his lungs expanding and filling and it almost hurt to exhale and then there was a brightness and a the white-hot burn of pain and he gagged for a moment, curling into himself then hands were on him, the thing on his face was removed and he was guided over to his side as he retched.

"He's going to be okay," Carson was saying.

John had his doubts about that, and he said as much, or rather croaked it, as soon as he was able to breathe again without gagging.

Carson smiled at him even as he wiped Sheppard's face with a damp cloth. Then he held out a glass of water with a straw sticking out of it. "Take a sip...just a wee one. There…is that better?"

John resisted the urge to point out the fact that he wasn't five years old. It would have taken too much energy to say all that. Instead he nodded then he blinked hard to bring everything into sharp focus. He turned his head to see Weir lurking beside him. "What happened?" He asked her because he knew she would give him the simple facts.

"You got hit with an arrow."

"Right." John remembered that now.

Elizabeth grabbed a stool and sat down. "That was one hell of a dream you were having, Major."

John stared at her for a moment, not understanding what she meant. "Dream?"

"You started convulsing, just before you threw up," Elizabeth explained. "One minute you were asleep and the next I thought..." she broke off, unwilling to continue.

"You scared the hell out of Dr. Weir," Carson interjected. He was taking Sheppard's vitals and looked pleased. "In truth you just had a normal, if a bit of a delayed, reaction to the anesthesia." At the major's surprised look he explained. "It took a bit of surgery to get the arrow out. But you're going to be fine." Carson patted his good shoulder. "Just rest and do as you're told and you'll be out of here in a couple of days."

That was good to hear, so John nodded. "I'll behave," he promised. Not that he actually had a choice in the moment. He felt weak and worn out, not that he would admit to it.

Carson grinned. "See that you do. If you need anything hit the call button." He watched Sheppard nod again then he looked at Weir. "Don't tire him out."

"I won't," she promised. The moment they were alone Elizabeth asked, "How do you feel?"

"I've been better," John allowed. He shifted a bit, wanting to test his limitations. His left shoulder twinged, but he could tell that Beckett had plugged him into the good drugs before he left, so the pain was bearable. He just felt tired. Tired and a bit curious. "Why did you think I was dreaming?" John asked because he now remembered what he had been dreaming about. He told himself it was drug induced and had every intention of just letting it go.

Elizabeth leaned forward, her eyes locking with Sheppard's. "You were muttering Ford's name and you were very restless. I was just about to call Beckett when you started convulsing."

John nodded. "Yeah...well, you heard Beckett. Just a normal reaction and all that."

"Maybe...but you know if you want to talk --"

"There's nothing to talk about," John interjected, his tone more biting than he intended it to be. He shifted again, trying to get comfortable then he remembered something. "Is Rodney okay?"

Elizabeth nodded and offered a tight smile. "Yes...he's fine. Thanks to you."

That made John feel better. "Good."

"So I understand that arrow you took was meant for Rodney," Elizabeth said quietly.

"He just needs to learn to duck." John could feel the intensity of her gaze and it shook him a little. He didn't want her looking so closely.

Elizabeth nodded. "It could have killed you."

John managed a passable smile. He felt as if she were testing him somehow and he intended to pass. "It didn't," he pointed out. "But it would have killed Rodney. It would have nailed him right through the heart."

"Thank you, for what you did, John." Elizabeth sounded sincere.

"I did my job." John fought off a yawn and let his eyes slide closed, hoping she would get the hint and leave. Whatever Beckett had given him was kicking in full force and John wanted to succumb to it. He wanted to sleep, wrapped in darkness, without dreaming.

Elizabeth stood up and put the stool back where she got it from. "You always do," she stated then she gave a little nod. "Get some sleep."

John gave a sleepy nod, his eyes still closed. "Will do." He listened to her footsteps as she walked away, then he let himself drift into oblivion.

Two days passed with relative ease for John. He had visits from Teyla and several other people, with Rodney conspicuously absent. Which didn't bother John as much as it might have in the past. He felt ambivalent about seeing Rodney. John knew that McKay was pissed at him, he just couldn't figure out why. Ultimately it was more conducive to his being able to rest, so that he could get out of the infirmary, not having Rodney around. In fact, John hoped to be getting out tomorrow morning and Beckett seemed pleased enough with his progress that it was a viable possibility.

Which is exactly why Rodney decided to pop up even as John was thinking about him.

"How do you feel, ajor?" Rodney asked, his tone quietly calm. Too calm.

"I'm good." John noticed the fact that Rodney was almost - eerily - still. McKay was usually a body in motion.

Rodney nodded. "Sorry I didn't come sooner. We had power fluctuations with the gate."

John was surprised to hear that. "But everything's okay?"

"Of course." Rodney looked irritated by that for a moment then he smoothed his face back into a neutral expression. "Carson tells me you're being released tomorrow."

"That's right." John sensed there was more coming that he was not going to like hearing.

Rodney shifted closer. "I wanted to thank you...for saving my life."

John shrugged, wincing only a bit at the pull in his shoulder. "Just doing my job, Rodney."

"Really?" Rodney's mouth curved into a thin smile. "So it's your job to try and get yourself killed on each and every mission we go on?"

"No." John felt a flare of anger but dampened it. He would not let Rodney get him riled. "It's my job to keep you and the other members of my team alive. To bring you back safe." To bring you back echoed in his head.

Rodney's eyes flashed with anger. "Bullshit!" he snapped. "You don't give a damn about living anymore, major! You're just making yourself a target hoping you'll get lucky and the next time YOU won't come back through the gate."

John was stunned by Rodney's words and by the anger behind them. "Don't go there, Rodney," he gritted out between clenched teeth. "You don't know what you're saying."

"Yes...I do." With that Rodney turned and stalked away.

It took all of John's will power not to get out of bed and follow him. In fact his hand was on his IV but he stilled it. Closing his eyes, John made himself relax. Rodney was just upset about his own close brush with death. He'd get over. And that was what John told himself as he tried to drift into sleep. But every time he started to slip into darkness, he kept seeing Ford's face.

"Beckett told me that Sheppard would be able to go back out in about a week!"

Elizabeth looked up from her laptop to see Rodney looming over her desk. "That's right," she conceded. "Carson said he's healing beautifully, and he doesn't foresee any complications."

Rodney shook his head. "You can't let him go back out there. He's going to die."

"Premonitions, Rodney?"

"Facts!" Rodney rubbed a hand over his face and made a visible effort to calm down. "If you let Sheppard go back out, he's not coming back. How much clearer do I have to get to make you understand?"

Elizabeth sighed. "Rodney...I think Major Sheppard is just fine. You're reading too much into what happened."

Rodney looked stunned. "Really? Fine." He turned on his heel and strode out of the room, his body vibrating with anger.

Elizabeth went back to her laptop but gave up trying to concentrate. It was going to be a long day. Even so, she couldn't stop thinking about what Rodney had said.

Rodney cornered Beckett in his office. He closed the door and didn't mince words. "You need to ground Major Sheppard."

Carson sighed. "Rodney...I spoke with Dr. Weir --"

Waving an impatient hand, Rodney cut him off. "Did the major tell you about his headaches?"

"Headaches?" Carson echoed, a frown line forming between his eyebrows.

Rodney rolled eyes. "Did I stutter? I think not. Yes, Carson...headaches. Bad ones. And he threw up while we were on the mission."

Carson's eyes went wide at that. "After he got hit with the arrow?"

"No...when we first landed." Rodney began to pace. "For the record you can confirm everything I'm saying with Teyla. She saw him get sick and she knows about the headaches."

"Why the hell didn't I know about them?" Carson snapped.

Rodney shrugged. "Guess Sheppard was keeping it from you. So...don't you think you'd better keep him grounded?"

Carson sighed again. "Rodney...I'm not happy about the headache thing, but I'm not jumping the gun until I talk to Major Sheppard and run some tests."

"Fair enough." Rodney stopped pacing. "But I don't feel comfortable going out on missions with a CO who could keel over without warning. I'm just saying." And with that he was gone, leaving a disgruntled doctor in his wake.

John was ready to get out of the infirmary. Chomping at the bit ready. He had done everything asked of him and he knew he was progressing nicely. His shoulder was still sore but he was able to use it with caution and John felt confident that he would be ready to go back through the gate by the end of next week. All he needed now was Beckett's clearance and he would be good to go.

Carson chose just this moment to enter the infirmary, Sheppard's chart tucked under his arm. "Ready for you exam, major?" he asked, his voice a bit sharp.

"Ready." John offered a smile and was a bit surprised when Beckett glared at him. "Is something wrong, doc? You look a bit peeved."

"I am a bit peeved as you put it," Carson allowed, as he took Sheppard's pulse.

John was a bit curious as to why. "Did something happen?"

Carson shushed him for a moment while he checked the major's heart and lungs. Slinging his stethoscope around his neck when he was done, he locked eyes with the major and said, "Tell me about your headaches."

"Headaches?" John echoed, and he felt a bit floored by Beckett's attitude. The doctor wasn't making a statement so much as he was ordering John to fess up.

"Did you throw up on the mission?" Carson shot back, and he was watching Sheppard through narrowed eyes, gauging his reaction.

John realized what this was about. He knew the only person Beckett could have gotten the information from was Rodney. Anger welled up in John and he didn't try to hide it. "It's no big deal!" he snapped.

Carson glared at him. "Did you throw up or not? And don't lie to me, Major."

"I got nauseous, I think it was lunch related." John was careful to keep the edge off his anger. He kept his tone flat. But the moment he was out of here he had every intention of confronting Rodney.

"I spoke with Rodney and Teyla, they both confirmed that you're suffering from headaches," Carson stated. "How long have you had them?"

It surprised John to learn that Teyla was aware of his headaches. But maybe it shouldn't have surprised him. She saw too much and he would have to remember that. He would have to be more careful as to what he revealed to her and to everyone else. "Look...it's just a headache. I'm fine. Rodney is overreacting."

Carson folded his arms over his chest and did not look the least bit impressed. "Answer the question, Major. How long have you had them?"

"For a while." John knew how to incorporate the truth into a lie. He gave Beckett what he wanted without giving him exactly what he asked for.

"I'm going to run some tests, although I have an inkling as to what might be causing them." Carson looked grim.

John shook his head, which was a mistake. The headaches were always there of late, but the ache had been below the surface. Until now. Now it was starting to thump in his temples full force. He blamed that on Rodney. "You told me I could get out of here today."

Carson shrugged. "Aye. But that was before I learned about the headaches. Be a good lad and the tests won't take long and maybe I'll still let you leave. But you're grounded until further notice." With that he bustled out.

"Sonofabitch!" John cursed beneath his breath. He knew that the grounding was the whole point of Rodney telling Beckett about the headaches. What pissed John off so much was that he couldn't figure out why Rodney wanted him grounded. But the moment he was out of here, he was going to find out.

Elizabeth was working on translating some Ancient text when Rodney appeared in the doorway. She welcomed the break, but she was a bit startled by the look on his face. He looked...sad. "Come in," Elizabeth invited. When he did so, closing the door behind him, she asked, "Are you okay?"

Rodney sighed then folded his arms over his chest. "Not really. I just...I wanted you to know that since you wouldn't do anything about Major Sheppard, I did."

"What did you do, Rodney?" Elizabeth asked, alarm bells going off in her head.

"I made sure he got grounded. I think. I mean...I'm sure Carson will ground him once he runs his tests." Rodney broke off and shook his head at himself. "Bottom line is that I took care of things. The major can hate me if he wants, but at least he'll be alive to do so." Rodney turned to leave.

Elizabeth called him back. She needed to be sure of this. "Rodney." She waited until he was facing her then asked, "Do you really believe Major Sheppard is suicidal?" Because that was something Elizabeth was having trouble wrapping her mind around. He valued life too greatly. All life. Even his own. She couldn't be wrong about that.

Rodney rubbed a hand over his face, looking older than his years and unutterably weary. "Not consciously," he replied, after a long moment of silence. "But he's become reckless in regards to his own life. He's focused only on saving everyone else. On protecting us. He doesn't care if it puts him in danger."

"I see," Elizabeth said quietly. And suddenly she did. She understood that Sheppard would make the ultimate sacrifice to make up for what he considered to be a failure. He hadn't kept his promise to Ford, so he would do whatever it took to make sure no one else ever got left behind. "Thank you, Rodney," She told him.

"Yeah." Rodney looked miserable as he shuffled out.

Elizabeth tried to go back to her translations but a beep on her ear piece interrupted her. "Weir here."

Carson's voice came echoing back. "Can I see you in my office? It's about Major Sheppard."

"Be right there," Elizabeth replied, already rising to her feet. As she stepped into the nearest transporter, Elizabeth felt a headache of her own throbbing in her temples.