John took a deep breath, pulling air deep into his lungs before exhaling slowly, one smooth, shallow, breath. Then he moved to take up a stance in front of Teyla. He locked eyes with her, bent his head briefly then launched his attack.
For a long time there was nothing in the room but the sound of sticks striking, booted and bare feet thudding against the floor and panted breaths. They moved as one now. Graceful and furious and focused. When they came to a halt, stick against stick, eyes still locked together, there was a thick and sudden silence that hung in the air.
An unexpected voice shattered it.
"That was...amazing," Rodney said, from where he stood in the doorway.
Teyla broke eye contact with Sheppard, bowing her head, before turning to smile at McKay. "You watched us?"
Rodney nodded. "That's okay, right? I wasn't breaking any rules or anything?"
"It is fine," Teyla assured him.
"Did you want something, Rodney?" John asked, as he moved to grab a towel from his duffel bag. He wiped the sweat off his face then he rotated his shoulder. No twinges or stiffness. He was back to one hundred percent and he knew it.
Rodney entered the room, looking uncomfortable. "Actually yes, Major," he stated. "I've been working on this console in one of the labs in the west wing and I can't get it to activate. I was hoping you'd be willing to give it a shot."
John nodded, offering a quick smile. He did this because he knew it made everyone more comfortable. Once again he was back to pretending. Whoever someone needed him to be, that's who John became. Over time it was becoming easier to keep the illusion in place. "Just let me grab a quick shower and I'll meet you in the lab. Say in..." He paused to glance at his watch. "Twenty minutes?"
"That's fine," Rodney replied. He watched as Sheppard gathered his things.
"Same time tomorrow?" John asked Teyla, as he headed for the door.
She nodded. "Yes, major. Same time." Once Sheppard was gone, she turned to McKay. "You are troubled."
Rodney shrugged. "No. Just...uh...you and the major...what you did with those sticks it was...amazing. I didn't expect Sheppard to be so good at it."
"He has pushed himself to excel," Teyla conceded.
"You don't look happy about that," Rodney countered, feeling scarily insightful.
It was Teyla's turn to shrug. "The major has become...fixated…on the body over the mind. He is trying to detach himself from the passion that has always fueled his soul."
Rodney was startled by that. "You believe in souls?"
"How could I not believe in that which exists?" Teyla spoke softly.
"Do you think that Sheppard...I mean...is he okay?" Rodney felt embarrassed but he made eye contact with Teyla and he was hopeful that she would say what he wanted to hear.
But Teyla shook her head. "I think that he is...damaged."
That shook Rodney. "Damaged?"
"Inside," Teyla replied. "He is wounded and he will not allow himself to heal."
"Yeah...wounded," Rodney echoed. "You know…sometimes I wish I could fix people as easily as I can fix everything else." With that he practically ran for the door, still muttering to himself.
Teyla sighed then she collected her belongings and followed in his wake.
Elizabeth was pacing. She wasn't one to pace, but she felt the need to be in motion. She had called Kate and Beckett into her office to discuss Major Sheppard. It had been three weeks since she had grounded him, indefinitely, and just this morning he had come into her office, requesting to be put back on to full duty. Elizabeth had put him off stating that she needed to speak with Beckett and Kate first. So here they all were and Elizabeth wasn't sure she wanted to hear what they had to say.
"I think you need to put Major Sheppard back to work," Kate said firmly. "He's ready to go back. He's worked hard to make progress it shows."
"I guess." Elizabeth stopped pacing and crossed her arms over her chest. "It seems like he's trying too hard now. Like he's just doing what he has to do to make us believe he's okay. That he's back to normal."
Kate shook her head. "I never said he was back to normal, Elizabeth. Only that he's made progress and he's ready to do his job."
Elizabeth sighed and sank down into the chair behind her desk. She took a moment to bury her face in her hands and collect her thoughts. For the most part, she couldn't deny what Kate was telling her. She had seen the changes in John. He had done everything right. He allowed himself to heal, at least physically, and Beckett was pleased and had assured her that Sheppard was back to one hundred percent in that respect. And Elizabeth couldn't deny the fact that John was making the attempt to reestablish himself with his men. He started going to chow during normal hours, and had taken it upon himself to get updated on his reports and to reacquaint himself with the daily routine. Little by little he had slipped back into his old routine and Elizabeth had allowed it, with Kate and Beckett's approval. But now it was time to let John off his leash and she knew it. But it scared her.
Lifting her head, Elizabeth eyed her companions. "I guess I'm projecting my own fears here," she allowed.
"A little bit," Kate replied, with a gentle smile. "Which is understandable. You feel protective of the people under you and I think you feel particularly responsible for Major Sheppard. After all, he wouldn't be here, and he wouldn't have gone through everything he's gone through if you hadn't asked him to come to Atlantis."
"You nailed that one," Elizabeth conceded. And she recognized, and accepted, the guilt she felt over that. If not for her, Sheppard would have remained a shuttle pilot in Antarctica. He wouldn't have taken a side journey through hell and back. "But that's not being fair to the major, so...I guess he's back on duty."
Kate stood up, smiling. "He'll be glad to here it."
Carson stood up as well. "He's coming in for his final check up in a few minutes...Shall I tell him the good news?"
"Please do," Elizabeth replied. She watched as Kate and Beckett left her office then she resisted the urge to close the door behind them and have a good cry. Mainly because she wasn't really sure what she felt like crying about.
John was pleased to be back on duty. He damn well had earned the right. Controlling the headaches and easing his nightmares wasn't easy, but it was worth the effort. The Kee-ta Teyla had taught him was the center of his focus. He relied on it to get him through the rough spots. It allowed him to detach himself so that he was free to create the illusion of being who he had once been. It wasn't something he wanted to do, but it was something he accepted. Elizabeth needed him to be the person he had been. So did Rodney. John had come to realize that this was something he could give them and it didn't cost him all that much to do so. And, ultimately, it gained him his freedom back.
Sometimes it was hard, though, to be that person with Elizabeth. John hadn't yet forgiven her, but he told himself he could forget and move on. He had to move on. Had to move past it.
But that night, on the eve of his first mission in almost a month, John wrapped himself up in the Kee-ta, tuning out the real world for the neutral zone he had created within himself. And that night he slept without dreaming.
A week passed and slipped into a familiar routine. They had two missions and all was well. Until now. Now John and his team were gathered in the conference room with Weir and they were arguing about a possible mission. It wasn't Elizabeth and John so much at odds as it was John and Rodney.
"We have to go back there," Rodney insisted. He was on his feet and pacing in agitation.
"I think it's a bad idea," John replied, as he sprawled back in his chair. But his laid back posture was just another illusion. He was feeling anxious inside.
Elizabeth studied the two men then held up one hand to silence Rodney from another tirade. "Let me get this straight," she interjected. "The Bemmans are willing to trade with us, correct?"
It was Teyla who replied. "That is correct."
"And you have traded with them in the past?" Elizabeth prompted.
"Yes. They are tough but fair. Or were." Teyla was nothing but honest. "I have not traded with them in over ten years."
Elizabeth looked at Sheppard, seeing the underlying tension he was trying so hard to conceal. "According to my report, Sgt. Bates traded with the Bemmans when we first arrived and that went well."
John kept a neutral expression on his face and his tone soft. "That's right. But they didn't really have that much exposure to the planet and they didn't trade with Hecler. He's the new minister, if you will."
"I take it you don't like him?"
"I don't trust him." John wasn't going to lie about it.
Elizabeth nodded. "Any reason why in particular?"
John shrugged. "Gut instinct."
"Puhleez.." Rodney interjected, sarcasm oozing from every pore. "What's the big deal either way? They haven't shown any aggression towards us and they want to trade." Rodney turned his attention to Weir. "They have a library full of Ancient texts. I didn't get to see much on the tour but I read a bit here and there and I'm relatively sure that the books will be able to help us to better understand and operate Atlantis. As in with their knowledge we will be able to make Atlantis fully operational. Which is a good thing." As he spoke, Rodney threw a glare in Sheppard's direction.
John ignored him.
"Really?" Elizabeth was surprised to hear that.
Rodney nodded. "Really. Why do you think I'm so fired up to go back there? Which we need to do like now."
Elizabeth held up a hand to cut him off and looked at Sheppard. "What do they want to trade for the books?"
"They don't want to trade for the books, per se," John replied. "They want to trade to allow us time in the library reading the books."
"What did you offer them?" Elizabeth prompted.
John shrugged. "Nothing yet. I told them we needed to discuss whether or not to continue negotiations with you. But...they seemed very interested in our weapons."
Elizabeth frowned at that and turned to Lt. Blake. "What's your opinion on the Bemmans, Lieutenant?"
"They seemed pretty straightforward, ma'am," Lt. Blake stated.
"Did you sense any hostility from them?"
Blake shook his head. "No. They seemed friendly. Just…eager."
Elizabeth sighed and rubbed her forehead then she looked at everyone and announced, "Dismissed. I'll think it over and give you my decision in a couple of hours."
"Time is of the essence," Rodney offered as a parting shot, before striding from the room.
The others made to follow him.
John hung back and glared at Elizabeth. When she looked up, she seemed startled to find him still there. John got in her face. "If you okay this mission...you're making a mistake."
"Why?" Elizabeth let her own anger flare. "You haven't given me any good reason not to okay it, major."
"I told you I have a bad feeling about it!" John shot back. A part of him thought she should have known that about him by now. But it was just further proof that she had never understood him and never would.
Elizabeth shook her head. 'Not good enough, especially given the information we could glean. Rodney is about wetting himself with excitement."
John pulled back, but let his anger settle about him like a cloak. "Sometimes you have to listen to what your instincts tell you, Doctor," he drawled.
"And sometimes you have to believe in the facts, Major." Elizabeth was the one confronting him now. "We need this information and I have no doubt but if Rodney thought it was dangerous in any way, he would not be anxious to go back there. And you know I'm right about that."
"It's not about being right," John countered, even as he moved away from her. The anger faded, replaced by anxiety and he felt an all too familiar ache forming in his temples. "So...I take it the mission is a go?"
Elizabeth nodded. "Yes. Can you be ready to leave in two hours?" If she were going to do this then there was no time like the present.
John nodded. "We'll be ready. I'm taking extra security."
"Do what you have to do, major," Elizabeth allowed.
"Would if I could," he shot back then he was out the door without a backward glance.
Elizabeth stared after him, wondering why she felt as if she had just gone ten rounds with Ali and lost.
The team wasn't expected back for three days, but not even twenty-four hours had passed when Elizabeth got the call on her radio. Sheppard's team was in the jumper bay and the major had called for a med team. Elizabeth was up and running for the door. She stepped into the nearest transporter but by the time she reached the jumper bay, the med team was already there and wheeling away gurney after gurney. Elizabeth's heart plummeted into her stomach as she watched Rodney roll past her. A gurney with Teyla on it followed in its wake. Then John was there and Elizabeth caught her breath. He was dirty and bloodied. His face was pale, his dark hair was matted. His eyes looked cold and empty as they flickered in her direction. But he wasn't looking at her, he was looking through her. Even as Elizabeth opened her mouth to ask what had happened, Sheppard had pushed past her, following the gurneys. She watched him go, but was jolted out of her shocked state when two medics passed by, pushing a gurney with a body bag on it.
Feeling the world tilt for a moment, Elizabeth felt a strong hand catch her elbow and steady her. She shook herself then turned to find Lt. Blake standing there. He looked pale and shaky. Elizabeth could sympathize. "What happened?" she asked, and her voice sounded hoarse to her own ears.
"It was a trap," Blake stated. "They lured us in then tried to kidnap Dr. McKay. They wanted him to translate the texts for them. Major Sheppard told them no and then all hell broke loose. We lost Peterson on the planet. Kinsey died in the jumper." Blake broke off to rub a shaky hand over his face, smearing a line of blood on his cheek. "Teyla was knifed but I think she'll be okay."
"And Dr. McKay?" Elizabeth didn't want to know, not really, but she had to ask. When they had wheeled Rodney past her he had looked broken.
Blake winced. "I don't know what they did. The Bemmans took him underground. The major went after him. We took Kinsey and Teyla to the Jumper first then he said he was going back for McKay. I didn't think he was coming back then I saw him. He was carrying Dr. McKay. I thought...I thought McKay was dead at first. The major laid him down and told me to do what I could then he flew us back. I don't know what happened."
Elizabeth realized she was shaking as she reached out to pat Blake on the shoulder. He was shaking too. "Get yourself checked out, Lieutenant," she told him. She watched him go then Elizabeth turned and puked all over the jumper bay floor.