Elizabeth paced over to the window of Kate's office. She had come here wanting to talk. But fifteen minutes had ticked away and she had yet to say a word.
Kate seemed content to watch her, but finally she asked, "What's wrong?"
"Everything." Elizabeth almost spit the word out.
"You blame yourself for what happened to Dr. McKay."
Elizabeth turned to face Kate. She nodded. "I should have listened to John."
Kate sighed then said gently, "He didn't know this was going to happen, anymore than you did."
"But he sensed going back was a bad idea. He didn't want to go," Elizabeth protested. She was tired of everyone trying to absolve her from her guilt. She had earned it, dammit!
"Dr. McKay felt it was safe," Kate pointed out.
Elizabeth nodded. "But Rodney is like a dog with a bone when it comes to new discoveries. I let his enthusiasm cloud my judgment."
Kate looked surprised by that. "Really? How so?"
"My first instinct was to say no." Elizabeth spoke in a hushed voice, but she knew Kate could hear her. "My own gut instincts were telling me that something wasn't quite right. I didn't have any factual proof, but I was...unsettled."
"So why did you give your consent?"
Elizabeth had been wondering that herself. "I'm not sure why. In fact, it wasn't until Sheppard started pushing the issue that I changed my mind." Turning back to the window, Elizabeth gazed out over the water. There were heavy waves that mirrored the turbulence of her troubled heart and soul.
Kate moved to stand beside her. "What were you thinking at the time?"
"That John really shouldn't be going out on missions. He shouldn't be making command decisions of any kind. That he wasn't ready to handle it." Hearing the words coming out of her mouth, Elizabeth realized how stupid her reasoning had been. It wasn't Sheppard who hadn't been able to handle it, it had been herself. She had allowed personal feelings to cloud her judgment and Rodney had paid the price.
"You can't think that way, Elizabeth," Kate said gently.
Anger flared in Elizabeth. "How else am I supposed to think? I screwed up and Rodney might die because of it!"
Kate reached out and gripped Elizabeth by the arm. "You know that you can't always make the right decision. You know that bad things are going to happen to the people under your command and that you have no control over it."
"I know." Elizabeth's voice was barely a whisper. She knew but until now she hadn't had to deal with it to this extreme.
"Have you spoken to Major Sheppard yet?"
Elizabeth shook her head. "No. I doubt he'll want to talk to me."
Kate looked troubled. "You think he'll blame you for what happened?"
"Why wouldn't he?" Elizabeth was starting to wonder why she had come here. It wasn't helping. If anything it was making her feel worse. Not that she had any right to feel better. "I have to go." She pulled away from Kate and headed for the door. But she didn't head for her office, instead Elizabeth almost ran to the nearest balcony. Once outside she gripped the railing and fought against the tears that threatened to fall.
John was sitting next to Rodney's bed when Beckett came in to check on them both. He saw the Scotsman glance over at the food tray he had set on the floor next to his chair. The nurse had brought it to him earlier and John had managed to eat half of it.
Carson looked thoughtful as he checked Rodney's vitals, then he focused his attention on Sheppard. "How are you feeling this morning, Major?"
"Fine." John didn't have anything more to add. He wasn't really feeling talkative this morning, but he knew he couldn't avoid Beckett's questions.
"You need to eat more," Carson commented.
John shrugged. "I'll work on it. How's Rodney doing?"
Carson studied the chart he was holding. "He's doing as well as can be expected."
"Translation?" John prompted. He needed to know exactly what he was dealing with. He needed to know if Rodney really had a chance to survive this.
"Just what I said, Major," Carson replied. "He's holding on and that's the best we can hope for at the moment."
John looked at Rodney's pale face. Most of it was mottled with purple bruises. John's fingers curled into fists as he remembered the way McKay had been beaten as he came barreling through the door. Strapped down, helpless and already unconscious and the bastards had kept kicking him in the head. "Will he have brain damage?"
Carson sighed. "He's showing normal brain activity which is a good sign. As far as what damage he may, or may not, have suffered...we won't know that until he wakes up. There is some swelling in the brain but it's already going down. I'm very hopeful that Rodney will wake up soon and achieve a full recovery."
"I hope so." John needed to believe that was true. He rose to his feet, wincing a bit at the pull in his ribs. He moved closer to the bed to offer a silent see you later to Rodney, then he turned and made to leave.
"Where do you think you're going?" Carson asked, grabbing Sheppard by his good arm.
John tugged his arm free. "I'm going to go to my room and take a shower then I'm going to go back to work."
Carson shook his head. "You're grounded for the time being, Major. As is the rest of your team."
"I figured as much," John replied. "But I'm still the ranking military officer. I have other duties besides off world missions."
"You need to rest," Carson insisted.
John offered a half smile of resignation. "No rest for the weary, doc. Right now I need to take care of my people." With that John slipped past Beckett and he was relieved when the man let him go.
John took his shower then he dressed in jeans and a long-sleeved black shirt. He put sneakers on instead of boots and left his Berretta locked in a box under the bed. Then he left his room and made his way to Rodney's lab. Not surprisingly, Zelenka was the only one there. "Hey," John offered in greeting.
Zelenka's head shot up and he turned around so fast he slipped off the stool he was sitting on. "Oh...Major...it is you. I was not expecting anyone."
"Yeah...I can see that. Place is pretty empty." John moved over to the table Zelenka had been sitting at. There were Ancient artifacts spread out over every inch of it. "Any good stuff?" John queried.
"All of it is good," Zelenka replied, as he used one middle finger to push his glasses back up on his nose.
John nodded. He felt uncomfortable being here and for a moment he wondered why he was, until he saw the way Zelenka's shoulders slumped. They had lost so many people and now Rodney might be lost to them as well. John knew he was not alone in his grief, but he believed he could handle it better. He was used to locking his sorrow and his guilt away in little, mental, boxes. "When was the last time you got a good night's sleep?" John asked.
Zelenka shrugged. "Sleeping is not such a good thing of late."
"Yeah...I know." John knew how hard it was to even attempt sleeping when you knew a nightmare was waiting in the wings. "Need any help with this stuff?"
"You have time to activate some things?" Zelenka looked surprised as he asked.
John smiled and he wondered if it looked as fake as it felt. "Yeah...I've got time."
Zelenka looked excited. He bounced over to the end of the table and picked up something that looked like an oversized CD. "Please to touch this major. I have asked others but nothing happens."
"Maybe nothing is supposed to happen," John suggested, even as he reached for the piece. But he proved himself wrong. It lit up, glowing along the edges, the moment he touched it. "Any idea what it is?" John asked, as he handed it back.
"Not a clue," Zelenka confessed. He set it aside, looking disappointed that the glow had faded. Disappointed but resigned, and he picked up a tubular piece about six inches long. "Now this."
John accepted it, curling his fingers around the cool metal, and he felt it warming to his touch, even as it lit up on both ends. He handed it back and accepted something else. He spent the next three hours touching anything Zelenka asked him too, after which he convinced the scientist to take a break and join him in the messhall. As they stepped into the nearest transporter, John's thoughts were on Rodney. He knew that if McKay were awake and aware, he would be pleased by the fact that John was looking after Zelenka. John knew that Rodney considered the Czech scientist to be the only one who even came close to his own genius. Which made Zelenka worth looking after for that alone. But that wasn't the only reason why John was doing this. He was doing it because it was the only thing he could do for Rodney right now. And that mattered in a way he didn't even want to think about.
Elizabeth was running late. Not that she had a specific time to start her day, but she was usually in her office by 7 a.m. earth time. Or what they believed to still be Earth time. But today she had overslept and she tried not to feel guilty about it. It wasn't as if Atlantis would fall apart just because she was an hour late. Would have been less time but she had made a side trip to the infirmary to visit Rodney. There was no change.
Stepping into her office, Elizabeth froze. Sitting in the chair across from her desk was Major Sheppard. Elizabeth almost turned and bolted, but she knew she couldn't avoid a confrontation forever. So she stepped all the way inside and closed the door. She watched John turn at the sound and she tried to read his expression. But his face was carefully neutral. "What brings you here?" Elizabeth asked, as she moved to sit behind her desk.
"Just checking in," John said softly. "That's still part of my job, isn't it?"
"I thought you were grounded?"
John shrugged. "From off world missions. Not from regular duties." He locked eyes with her. "At least...I didn't think I was."
Elizabeth shook her head. "No...I suppose not. If you feel up to it."
"I need to keep busy."
"Of course." Elizabeth understood that perfectly well. She had the same need.
John leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees, his eyes still locked on her face. "What happened to Rodney was not your fault."
Elizabeth rocked back as if he had struck her. That was the last thing she expected him to say. But he was wrong and she wanted him to know that. "It was my fault. I should have listened to you."
"Because I have such an excellent track record and all," he drawled.
"You were right this time," Elizabeth countered, and she heard the sharpness in her tone. She didn't want him to be calm about this. She didn't want him to absolve her. He wasn't supposed to be doing this.
Pushing to his feet, John walked to the door, but he didn't open it. He turned back and said, "It's my job to make the mistakes and live with them. Not yours. I'm the one who failed." With that he opened the door and strode out.
Elizabeth watched him go, feeling sucker punched yet again.
John left Elizabeth's office feeling wired. He needed a way to relieve the tension and the anxiety. He knew he wasn't up to a work out with Teyla. Neither was Teyla for that matter, so he went to his room and sat on his bed. Closing his eyes, John focused inward, focusing on the Kee-ta. Searching for the peace and serenity that he so desired, but that seemed so far out of his reach. It was an exercise in finding his own center and letting it create a delicate balance between the mind, body, heart and soul. But it was a balance he couldn't create this time and John was shaking and sweating by the time he gave up and hurled his book across the room in anger.
He had come so close to finding that place deep inside where nothing could touch him. Where he was numb and his emotions were nothing more than shadows that danced around the edge of his consciousness. So close until Rodney had nearly died. Then the fragile shell of numbness had shattered and John didn't know how to fix it. The illusion he had worked so hard on was slipping away, eluding his grasp like wisps of smoke. Mocking him. John closed his eyes. He felt as if he were sliding into madness.