Disclaimer: I still don't own Artemis Fowl. And Opal still needs to clean that litterbox. Chapter contains spoiler for Opal Deception.
Chapter One: April Showers
"I fail to see any point in this absurd custom. It is silly to give infant gifts until the child is actually born."
Personally, Butler thought his employer was being a little overdramatic. It was just a baby shower, for heaven's sake. But he did not voice these thoughts, knowing that his charge would stop ranting when he very well felt like it and it was not a bodyguard's place to scold or complain. His job at this moment was to
help Artemis select clothes for the party. Not exactly his forte, but he intended to see it through in spite of his distaste for fancy clothes, which restricted movement and put one at a distinct disadvantage in a fight. They finished the task of garment-selection with Artemis rambling about babies and foolishness and Butler in silence, and Butler left the room so that Artemis could dress. A moment later Artemis emerged, no longer ranting.
"I have to check in with Holly about that case involving the pizza statuette. I shall see you shortly. No pun intended."
Butler nodded and Artemis walked down the hall twoards his study, contemlating the lunacy of baby showers and figurines of pizza-making gnomes. Reaching the study, he strode in, opened the fairy communicator on his desk and punched up Holly's number. The communicator was in and of itself an unremarkable object, but it was Artemis's connection to an underground world where technnology and magic were eqally credible and possible, where actual fairies; sprites, pixies, elves, gnomes, dwarves, and centaurs; were ordinary people and humans were a remote and primitive group far aboveground from whom the fairy People sought to stay hidden.
Holly Short's face appeared on the screen of Artemis's communicator.
"Hello, Artemis. Got anything on our pizza gnome?"
"As a matter of fact, yes. I have deduced that the most likley of the suspects you described is Yendall Beans. His potential knowlege of security systems used by fairy resturaunts would have aided him greatly in the robbery."
As he said this, Artemis wondered where the madness would end. Security systems in fairy eateries. Baby showers.
"Is something wrong, Artemis? You seem…preoccupied."
Artemis sighed. Holly had noticed his distracted look.
"Well…if you must know, my mother is quite pregnant. The baby shower is today."
"Artemis, that's wonderful news! Why should that be a problem?"
"I do not wish to have a sibling. The situation has been forced upon me. Furthermore, this so-called baby shower is a ludicrous custom. The baby has not even arrived yet."
"I sympathize, but Artemis, a baby-"
"Holly, I do not require your sympathy. I will handle the situation myself."
"Alright. I'll look into Beans a little further. See you soon."
"Goodbye."
Artemis shut off the communicator. It was clear that Holly did not understand Artemis's situation. But then, most people could'nt, having never been a teenage genuis with a sibling on the way. He headed down the halll to a window looking out over the expansive grounds of Fowl Manor. Guests were already arriving. He wennt back to his room and meditated until he was disturbed by a knock at the door. Butler.
"Your mother told me to send you downstairs. The party's begun."
Artemis sighed. He was not going to enjoy this.