"What are you doing?"
Brenda froze, her body going rigid. Her fingers clenched tightly around the window sill. It hadn't been the best plan, she knew that. It hadn't even been a really good one. At any moment, someone could have come into the room, as was seen by Lois's abrupt entrance. Besides that, she was in her wedding dress. What if the dress caught on something? She'd be hanging outside of a window by silk, until that silk ripped and she ended up on her face in the flowerbed below. No, it wasn't a very good plan at all, but it was the only one she had.
"I was just, um, getting some fresh air."
"You always get air with your head out the window and your feet on the radiator?"
Brenda sighed and jumped back down. "You're horrible, Lois." She looked down at her dress, hoping that there would be some kind of smudge on it. Something that would give her cause to stop everything. The dress, however, was spotless.
The day wasn't turning out the way she had planned. Honestly, the last month had just felt off. She hadn't actually expected Luis to go away. Not… all at once. But, oddly enough, he had held to his word. There were no flowers sent to her office. No special deliveries came to her home. He didn't come up to her on the street, or send Lucky to her with messages. He just… He didn't exist.
That should have set her at ease, but it just made her more anxious. She was waiting for the bottom to drop out. Because of him, this entire day made her one big ball of nerves. Each second that passed was one second closer to when Luis barged through that door and reclaimed her once and for all. She could picture him with guns blazing, out for Jax's blood and anyone else who stood in his way. In the end, there'd be blood everywhere and she would over Luis's shoulder, headed for nowhere.
"You were trying to run away." Lois's eyes narrowed. She folded her arms and pursed her lips. "This is about Luis, isn't it?"
"No." She folded her arms and tried to be firm, but couldn't stop herself from following her negative with, "Maybe." Her arms dropped and she sighed. "Yes." Brenda gathered her skirts and crossed the room. She fell down in a large chair and groaned. "This dress is just… it's not comfortable."
"You picked it out."
"Because Luis and I were having this big fairy tale wedding and you have a fairy tale wedding in a big princess-type dress."
"Luis?"
"What?"
"You said Luis."
"No, I didn't."
"Brenda…"
She sighed and closed her eyes. Her head fell backwards and Brenda groaned. She probably had said Luis, even though she couldn't consciously remember it. But, that didn't really mean anything. He was on her mind, his pronounced absense was on her mind, so of course, his name would just slip out. Besides, Lois had just said his name. It all made sense. It didn't mean anything.
"Talk to me, Brenda." Lois pulled a chair up in front of her and sat down. She leaned forward and took hold of Brenda's hands. "Tell me what's going on with you."
Brenda opened her eyes and sat up slowly. She looked at Lois and wondered exactly what was going on. She wasn't afraid of marrying Jax. It was the one thing she could do in life that shouldn't have scared her. He was the perfect husband, a dream. Rich, powerful, loving… Any girl would be blessed and lucky to be his wife. So why wasn't she falling over herself with excitement?
"I love Jax," Brenda said softly. "I do. I love him like… Like I never thought I'd love anybody again, ya know? When Luis left… Lois, if it weren't for you and Robin, I would have never made it through that. I was broken inside when he left, and for the first time since then, I feel whole again."
"If you're so sure about him, why were you trying to go out the window? Ya know, Robin told me to come in here and check on you. She knew that you were up to something, but she has no clue what's going on. None of us have told her about Luis trying to get you back, but she's not stupid, Brenda."
"I know. I'm surprised she even came back." She sighed. "Robin doesn't even know Jax, but she knew Luis. She knew what we had and yet… she's not telling me to run from Jax."
"And neither am I. Brenda, I know how much you loved him, but more than that, I know how much Luis loved you. I know it hurt him to have to leave you, but still… it hurt you more. Can you really live through that again? Can you live through waiting for him to run off?"
"You're talking like I'm rethinking the whole thing."
"Aren't you? Look at it, Brenda. On your wedding day, you're on your way out the window, in your wedding dress. Isn't that rethinking it?"
"No. That's… It's… I don't know what it is." She pulled her hands back from Lois and stood up. Slowly, she walked back and forth across the room. Her arms folded, she rubbed her upper arms. She was cold, for some reason, though the church was well heated. "I know that Luis is going to ruin this day, Lois. I know it. So, I'd just rather not do it now. I'd rather do it when he can't ruin it."
"He's not here, Brenda." Lois stood up. "He hasn't been here for a month and, ya know, I'm starting to think that was his plan all along. I thought it was good that he'd left you alone. I thought he was realizing that he couldn't make you leave Jax, but in the end, that's exactly what he's doing."
"How?"
"By making you remember what your fantasy wedding used to be." Lois looked at her and shook her head. "He's reminded you of all the love, all the good times, and now you've just had time to think about it. With him around, you didn't have to think about it. You could focus on your anger. You could be mad at him for leaving, then just showing back up. But, with him gone…"
"With him gone, I can remember it without the anger."
"So, without the anger, you remember it all." Lois stepped up to her and looked her square in the eyes. "You remember what it felt like when he left, and how we had to hold you together. You remember walking around at night because you couldn't sleep without him. And then…"
Brenda waited, but nothing came. Finally, she asked, "Then what?"
"Then, remember everything he's said to you and ask yourself if he's ever really lied to you. He told you what his business was, and he told you when he had to leave. So, you remember that, and then really think about the next time he has to run."
"If he'll take me with him?"
"And if you really want to go. Because this is the time to do it, Brenda. We can tell all those people to go home right now, if you want. Then, you'll just have to explain it to Jax. But, if that's what you're going to do, you make the decision now, so you can tell him in private instead of in front of all those people."