Her stomach rolled and clenched. More than once, Brenda thought she was going to throw up. Her beautiful white dress would be ruined, but at least she'd feel better. Just as long as she got it all out of her system.
But still… she wasn't so sure that throwing up would solve it. The things that she needed to get out of her system weren't in her stomach. They were in her head and her heart. They were things that she was too afraid to say, because she didn't want to hurt anyone. She didn't want to see the pain of loss in anyone's eyes, or the confusion as he said that he didn't understand.
Jax didn't deserve this; a bride trying to hold herself in one place. A bride that did her best not to cut and run. But, Brenda thought if she could just make it through the ceremony, she would be alright. Once she was pronounced as the new Mrs. Jacks, she would be able to look out at the people who'd come to wish her well and know that she'd done the right thing. She'd know that this was what she should have done, and thoughts of eventually being the ex-Mrs. Jasper Jacks would be nowhere in her mind. She would only think of the future and her happiness.
But as her eyes drifted to the side, the only thoughts were those of disappointment. He actually hadn't shown out. Brenda had been sure that out of her peripheral, she would have seen Luis standing at the back of the church, waiting for her to make that final decision, waiting for her to stop this farce and come running to him. The sheer fact that he'd be there, all cocky and smirking, would have been enough for her to get through to the end of the ceremony. As it were, she wanted to run off and scream at him for not having the decency to show up and repeat all that garbage about marrying her.
Then, there was movement. Her eyes shifted as she saw Jason Morgan get up from his seat and try to quietly excuse himself. He held a phone to his ear but… When had he gotten a call? Had he just come to the wedding to report on it to Luis? No, tha was stupid. She'd invited Sam, and Sam had forced him to come. She knew that, already. Jason must have just gotten a call in the middle of it and left to be polite. That's what the vibrate function was for, after all. Of course, Jason Morgan being polite didn't exactly happen on a regular basis.
She went through the motions of the rings sliding on their fingers. Brenda repeated the words that were handed to her by the priest. Jax repeated them, and she felt that his meant more than hers. Jax was actually in love. She was… Well… Brenda was in love alright, but as she grew closer and closer to being someone else's wife, she started to think that it wasn't her bridegroom that held that much of her love.
"…now, or forever hold their piece."
And then, everything went still. She hadn't heard the beginning of the line, but now, she heard every piece of silence. She heard all the noise that made true silence only a myth. Breaths were held, but the hiss of taking them in was audible. Purses moved. Bodies slid against the pews. She even thought she could hear the rolling of hands as people waited to see what was going to happen. To see if Brenda was going to speak now. To see if the church doors flew open and Luis spoke now.
Time stood still for Brenda. She looked around the church, waiting, almost hopeful. Surely Robin or Lois would see that she shouldn't have gone through with this. Surely one of them would say something and get her out of it. Well, maybe Robin would, but Lois had already told her that she wouldn't. She hadn't said those words exactly, but she'd made it perfectly clear that Brenda had to do this on her own.
And then, there was movement at the doors.
Everyone turned, surely expecting to see the face of an Alcazar, but it was only Jason. He didn't say anything, just stood there with the doors open behind him. He was just coming back inside. Brenda turned away from the doors and looked at Jax… but it wasn't Jax. She looked up at Luis, and he told her that he loved her. She reached up to touch his face, but by the time she got there, it was Jax again. Her fingers touched his cheek and she watched as he shifted between the two… Jax, Luis, Jax, Luis, Jax…
Luis.
"If no one has anything to say, then by…"
"Stop!" Brenda froze and, for a second, she didn't realize that she'd been the one to speak. Her arms fell to her sides slowly and she moved backwards. She kept moving until she bumped into Lois. She felt Robin rush up to her side. She felt Lois touch her back. She looked to either side and saw Jerry Jacks coming up closer to his brother. She saw Lady Jane and John Jacks approach their son's side.
"Brenda…"
"Jax, no." She shook her head. Reaching up, Brenda removed her veil and let it fall to the floor. She rose her hands and stared at the rings on her finger. They itched and it burned like it hadn't done in a month. She scrambled and scratched to get them off her fingers, then held them out to him. "Jax, I'm sorry," she said in a quivering voice.
"Brenda…" Jax looked down to the rings she offered to him, but didn't take them. He looked back up to her tear-streaked face. "Brenda, we talked about this and I asked you…"
"I know. I know, and I'm sorry. I thought I could do this." She turned around and looked to Robin and Lois. "I really thought I could," she whispered. They didn't say anything, but Lois looked disappointed. Though, Brenda had a feeling that she wasn't disappointed over her choice, just her timing.
Sighing, Brenda turned back to Jax. "I love you, Jax, I do, but not enough. Right now, I want to blame him for this, but I can't. He…" It felt wrong to say his name while she stood there in Jax's wedding gown, but it felt even more wrong to not tell the complete truth. "Luis isn't making me do this. I'm making myself do this. It's not fair to you, Jax. It wouldn't be fair for me to marry you, knowing that I don't love you enough to be your wife 'til death do us part."
She tried to give him the rings again, but he wouldn't take them. Crying, Brenda let them fall to the floor. She gathered her skirts and fled up the aisle. She could hear footsteps behind her and when she turned, she saw Jax chasing her. Then, he was stopped by Jason. She heard him tell him, "Just let her go." Brenda turned and continued to run. She ran until she was on the steps of the church, and then, she had no place to go.
Brenda looked down at herself and cried harder. Covered in layers of silk and satin, she was uncomfortable. She wanted to rip the dress off and keep running, but there was no way to get out of it on her own. It had taken Robin, Lois and Lady Jane to get her into it. There was no way she would get out of it without their help.
Desperate, but unable to push herself forward, Brenda collapsed on the steps of the cathedral. Oddly, as she closed her eyes, she wondered if Lila would be disappointed in her. Lila Quartermaine wasn't directly related to her, but she was the closest thing she had to a maternal figure in Port Charles. Lila had been sitting there, her wheelchair against the first pew, and Brenda thought she'd seen something in her eyes when she fled. But, was it disappointed? No… She thought it might have been relief. Lila had never been that big a fan of Luis, and she'd always liked Jax, but… She would want her to be happy, right? And she had to know, even if Brenda wouldn't admit it to herself, that she wouldn't have been truly happy married to Jax.
Suddenly, there were people at her sides. Robin. Lois. Sam. Monica Quartermaine. Ned Ashton was even there. Out of all of them, Ned was probably the one that would really give her looks of disappointment. Lois may have understood, but Ned would just tell her that she was screwing up again. So, she didn't look at Ned. She looked at everyone else, but she didn't look at Ned. She looked up at Monica and asked, "Is Lila mad at me?"
Monica looked shocked for a moment, then shook her head. "No," she said quietly. "But, she's worried. Come back inside, Brenda."
"I can't. I shouldn't have gone in there in the first place." Her words pushed through the thick stickiness of her voice. "I knew it was wrong." She looked around to all of their faces. "I knew when he first came to town, ya know?" She wiped her face and was glad that waterproof mascara had been invented. She looked bad enough with red eyes. She didn't need black lines, either. "And now… Now, this is gonna be all over the tabloids and I could have avoided it if I'd have just called it off earlier."
"Brenda, we all know you don't care about the tabloids." Robin wiped her face with a white handkerchief. "This is about what makes you happy. But, you know, you should have done this earlier."
"I know, I know, but I thought… I thought I could do it, ya know?" She shook her head. "I have to get out of this dress."
"What?"
"Take it off!" She pulled at the bodice, and if it were made of cheaper material, it would have ripped. As it were, the bodice only snapped back against her chest. "Take it off! Get me out of this right now! I don't care that I'm outside! Just take it off!"
The women looked at each other, but as Brenda pulled more and more, there was nothing they could say. Lois, Robin, Sam, and Monica worked at the laces in the back, tugging and sliding, until finally, the dress fell loose around her. Brenda stood up quickly and stumbled out of the dress. She was certain that she would tumble to her death down the stairs, but someone was there to catch her before she could get very far.
Brenda clawed at Luis's arms, then pushed herself back to her feet. She stood on the church's steps in a white corset and panties, hose and heels, and her first instinct was to slap him. As her hand fell from his face, she heard a collective gasp loud enough to let her know that there were more people at the doors of the church.
"Bastard!" Brenda screamed. "How could you do this to me!" Luis didn't say anything. His hand went to his stinging cheek, but other than that, he didn't move. There was no sick smirk of victory or malevolence. He was blank, and he would stay that way until she was done. Brenda knew this.
"How could you do any of it!" She hit him again, her fists balled tightly. She struck his chest, but he still didn't say anything. "You made it impossible for me to be happy with anybody else! You said you'd come and get me, but you didn't come in there and get me!" Brenda crumpled to the steps and the remains of her wedding gown slid against her. She drew her knees up, wrapping her arms around her legs, and lowered her head. She cried over and over again, "Why didn't you come get me? Why didn't you take care of it for me? You always take care of it, Luis. Why didn't you come and get me?"
There was movement and noise around her, but Brenda didn't look up to see what was going on. She heard Ned say something harsh, but his words were garbled beneath Lois's shouts for him to leave Luis alone. Now, Ned wanted to play the hero, but he hadn't come to her rescue, either. He had to know that she was doing something wrong, but he hadn't stopped the wedding. He didn't want what was best for her. He wanted to be right.
A shadow hovered over her, and then hands arms slid around her. She was lifted from the steps and Brenda curled against the body. She knew Luis's smell, his touch, his kiss on her forehead. She'd always known it, and had often felt and smelt those things in her sleep. He whispered against her face, "Because Jason wouldn't let me inside," then turned and walked down the stairs. Brenda put her arms around Luis's neck, pressed her partially dressed form against him as close as she could get, and let Luis Alcazar carry her away from the wrong wedding and lead her eventually to the one that she was actually meant to have. The only one that, in her heart, she knew she ever really wanted.