Title: Explain it to my Heart
Author: mp6nov
Pairing/Character: LoVe
Word Count: 2505
Rating: PG-13, just to be safe
Summary: SongFic. Uses Chicago (the band)'s song "Explain it to my Heart." Logan and Veronica grow up and deal with their relationship.
Spoilers/Warnings: Future Fic, through all of season one.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Song is Chicago's. Characters belong to Rob Thomas and UPN and all those other people that own them.
A/N: Italics are the song lyrics.
A/N 2: This is my first posted VM fic. Please leave feedback and let me know what you think.
I understand there's no future for us here
Guess I fooled myself into thinking there was
Now you've made it clear
If she was completely truthful with herself, Veronica could understand why Logan was breaking up with her. After all, throughout their entire senior year, their relationship was full of pain. Of course, what Logan always conveniently seemed to forget was that with the pain, there had been lots of happiness. With the tears, there had been lots of laughter. With the heartache, there had been love. They had loved each other in a way that most people only dreamed about or imagined. Hell, they still loved each other that way. Logan was breaking up with her because he felt that Veronica would be better off without him, would be happier if she could find someone else. But she didn't want anyone else.
It'll never be right
Guess we knew it all along
Now we've got to say good-bye and I've got to be strong
Veronica knew that she had to be strong. That Logan would realize his mistake and come back to her, begging forgiveness for his idiotic idea that they were better off apart. But it was so damn hard. She supposed it would be harder in some ways if he stayed in California, if he didn't move across the country. She wouldn't have to see him everyday and suppress her feelings, she wouldn't have to catch a glimpse of him and pretend everything was okay. But Veronica also knew that it was killing her – his moving to Maine. Because even though it would've been hard to see him and pretend there was nothing between them anymore, it was impossible to imagine not seeing him at all.
So tell me one more time how it's better for the both of us
Tell me know more time how we'll hurt each other if we stay
Tell me one more time, then darling, there's just one more thing
Before you walk away
They had one more perfect night together before Logan got on the private plane with all of his most loved possessions and flew away. Of course, it wasn't really perfect, how could it be when they both knew it was their last time together, but they both pretended anyway. They went to dinner at a tiny diner in San Francisco, the place where they had had their first official date. They walked on Dog Beach, the place where they had had their first official fight, and their first official make-up make-out session. They made love in every room of Logan's old house, the one he had bought after his father's trial was over and he had received millions from both his parents' wills. The same one where they had first made love. And then they woke up, ate breakfast, and drove to the airport to say their first true good-bye.
Explain it to my heart
It's better that we're over now
Tell me one more time it's the end, the way it's supposed to be
Tell me that I'm better off without you
How it's better to forget about you
Darling, I understand
But won't you please explain it to my heart
Veronica tried to move on. She really did. She dated guys that she met in her college classes, ones that seemed nice and pain-free. Ones that almost reminded her of Duncan. She stayed away from the bad boys, from the Logan's in her classes. She tried to do what Logan asked of her, tried to forget about him and find someone nice and reliable that she could settle down with. But how could she settle down when she wouldn't even let the relationships progress to the point of intimacy. She could barely even tolerate sex with the guys, let alone actually spending the night or cuddling or talking about anything remotely important and personal. She cursed Logan even as she continued to love him. The media continued to love him, and she would occasionally glimpse pictures of him with a stunning brunette. At least she could comfort herself that it was always a brunette. She told herself it was because he still loved her and wouldn't want any other blonde, but sometimes she was filled with doubts. Sometimes she thought he was actually moving on and forgetting her and it was just a coincidence that all the pictures were of brunettes.
Now if I try, I can see the reasons why
Why we can't stay together and I might convince my mind
But it's breaking my heart, to know I've got to let you go
To find that I must leave behind the only love I've known
Finally, Veronica found a guy – not perfect, but as close as she was going to come to it. He was the perfect combination of Logan and Duncan, her true love and her first love, the bad boy and the good guy. Zach made her laugh, though it never reached her eyes. He made her cry, but they were always happy tears, never passionate angry ones. He made her mad, but he never gave her the satisfaction of fighting because he always let her win. She convinced herself that Logan wasn't ever coming back and that she should snatch hold of whatever happiness she could manage to find, even if it was with second best. One day, after a dinner of rich Italian food in a candlelit room (nothing like the perfect happiness of a cozy diner with greasy hamburgers and fries) Zach proposed. And Veronica grabbed tight to second best.
Well I can tell myself that I never really needed you
I can tell myself that it's better just to say good-bye
I can tell myself a thousand lies
But tell me now
Tell me how do I
Then, mere weeks before her wedding, Veronica started having doubts. What if she turned out like her mother, not happy with good enough and still craving perfect. Even though she had a wonderful man, would she always think of him as second best. Would she always secretly yearn and long for Logan. She tried to ignore these doubts, tried to put them out of her mind, tried to convince herself that she would be wonderfully content with Zach. And out of the blue, she ran into Logan. She was walking into the marketplace to shop for dinner, and she ran smack into a hard, well-defined chest. Strong masculine arms reached out and grabbed her before she could tumble to the ground, and she looked up – into his warm rich chocolaty eyes. Before he could say a word, she pulled herself out of his grasp, turned quickly, and ran back into the parking lot.
Logan followed her, forgetting everything except Veronica. The manager of the store came running out to demand payment, when he realized he had walked straight into a lovers' spat. They were shooting fire and angry words, and secretly, something inside both of them shouted and danced for joy. Veronica realized that she had missed fighting, missed passionate tears, missed Logan. Zach was nice, reliable, loving – but he would never be Logan. She could never feel the depth of emotion for Zach that she felt for Logan, could never be completely herself with Zach like she could with Logan, could never completely lose control and shout without fear of permanent damage with Sack like she could with Logan.
Veronica told Logan that she was happy in her relationship, that she was engaged, that she had moved on. She asked if he thought he could just come back and sweep her off her feet and pick up where they left off and be happy. He told her that he didn't know, that he hadn't really planned on coming back, but that California had pulled at him. She had pulled at him. He told her he was still in love with her, that he was horribly wrong about them being better off apart, that they belonged together. She was struck dumb, staring horrified at him as all the things she had longed for him to say years before came tumbling out of his mouth. Then, without another word, she ran to her car and drove away. Logan turned sadly back to the store to pay for his forgotten groceries.
Explain it to my heart
It's better that we're over now
Tell me one more time that it's the end, the way it's supposed to be
Tell that I'm better of without you
How it's better to forget about you
Darling I understand
But won't you please explain it to my heart
Veronica drove to her own apartment, crying the whole way. She was amazed that she made it home without crashing. She called Zach and told him that she needed some time to think, that she would be staying at her own place instead of his for a few days. She didn't even give him time to respond before she hung up, unplugged her phone, and crawled into bed. But sleep wouldn't come. Instead, she was forced to think about her relationships – her past with Logan, and her present with Zach. She didn't know what to do about her future, so she didn't even think about that.
How was it that even after years of not seeing Logan, he could pull these emotions out of her. How was it that he thought he could just come back to where she was and expect everything to be the same, expect for her to be pining away for him. How was it that even though she was engaged to be married in a few weeks to one man, she was thinking about another. How was it that she could still be completely in love with Logan when she hadn't even seen him in years. How was it that she was going to throw away a potentially very happy life with Zach just because Logan was back.
Because she knew then, that she was going to cancel the engagement. Even if Logan wasn't here to stay for good, even if he didn't truly mean what he had said at the market, she knew that she could never settle for second best. Zach made her content, didn't make her sad, didn't make her cry – but he also didn't make her happy. He didn't make her rejoice at the thrill of a loving fight. He didn't make her feel passion. With Logan, she knew the passion was there, could feel it in their fights and in their lovemaking. With Logan, there was no such thing as second best.
Say that I'll be better
If we don't stay together
Say that I'll be better off free
But don't say it to me
Explain it to my heart…
Veronica knew that Zach was probably going through similar emotions to what she felt when Logan broke up with her. She told him that she loved him, but that she loved someone else more. That she always had and always would and that even if they weren't together, she couldn't settle for second best. She told him that he deserved someone who could give him their whole heart, instead of just pieces of it. He said he understood and he thanked her for being honest with him before the wedding. He thanked her! As soon as they hung up, she broke into sobs, painful, heart-wrenching sobs. She cried for what she and Logan had lost, she cried for Zach, she cried for the fact that her ex-fiance thanked her for breaking off their engagement, she cried for everything.
Explain it to my heart
It's better that we're over now
Tell me one more time it's the end, the way it's supposed to be
Tell me that I'm better off without you
How it's better to forget about you
Darling, I understand
But won't you please explain it to my heart
That was how Logan found her, sobbing in a ball on the floor of her apartment. He had gotten the address from Wallace, groveling on the phone about how he loved Veronica and would never again leave her. He had gotten the key from her neighbor, turning on his natural charm and using his ability to think up lies on the spot. And he had gotten the courage to go to her from Duncan, the one source he'd never had thought would urge him to make things right with Veronica Mars. But Duncan was happily married to Meg, and time had allowed him to see and appreciate the depth of feeling that Logan and Veronica shared. So here he was, Logan Echolls, standing in Veronica Mars' apartment, staring down in horror at her tears.
He immediately picked her up and carried her to bed, murmuring soft things in her ear, about love and how he would never leave and how he was so sorry for everything. She grabbed him and wouldn't let him go, so he ended up in the bed too. The two of them lay there, warming and comforting each other, until finally, they fell asleep. When they woke up the following morning, they fought. How could Logan think he had the right to come to her apartment, after all that he had done. Hadn't she told him she was engaged. The fight went on for hours, until Logan stormed out, angrily calling out that he was returning to his hotel. Duncan called Veronica to see how things were going, and she broke down again, telling him that everything had gone wrong. He comforted her and told her to go after Logan.
After she had showered and freshened up, Veronica drove to Logan's hotel (name and room number gladly provided by Duncan) and marched to his door. Though she felt very timid, she knocked hard and stood there looking proud when he opened it. She asked him how he dared to walk out on her just because they were fighting. They had fought plenty before and he had never let it bother him. Then, shushing him before he could reply, she told him that she wasn't engaged anymore. He apologized, and she laughingly told him that the world didn't revolved around him, it wasn't his coming that was to blame. She told him she had been having doubts before he showed up, and that he was to blame for those. He looked angry and guilty at the same time, looked ready to make her leave. But before he could, she threw her arms around him and told him that she could never settle for someone else when she was still in love with him. And that if he ever left her again, she would follow him forever. Because even if sometimes her head agreed with the things he said about them being better off apart, she knew in her heart that they were meant to stay together. And he could never, ever explain his logic to her heart.
Explain it to my heart…