EXHAUSTION
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Fruits Basket, Takaya-sensei does.
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I'm always exhausted. Every day, no matter what I do or how much I sleep. Hatori says it's stress. I don't disagree.
It's anxiety.
Sometimes I get so worried I can't stand it. Sometimes the nightmares scare me so badly that I can't sleep. Sometimes I want to die.
But then I start thinking.
I'm not conceited enough to believe that my existence has changed people for the better. But I do know that there are those who care about me. Being in the zodiac, being one of the Jyuunishi, isn't easy for any of us. We, as in the younger members, don't by any means get along all the time, but we know that it's best to stick together.
Akito. Oh gods, what to say about Akito?
In a way, I pity her. She doesn't understand that people are not toys. That when you hit someone, it hurts. That she doesn't understand that she isn't the wonderful person she makes herself out to be. And that if she tried, she could be. I pity her just as much as I despise her. She's caused me nothing in my life but pain.
But she's family nevertheless.
I'm always exhausted.
We all are. Not physically, because anyone can sleep. Emotionally exhausted.
Haru, because the woman he loves won't come near him.
Isuzu, Rin, because she needs Haru but refuses to get hurt again, or let him get hurt.
Kagura, because there really isn't anyone who can truly understand her.
Momiji, because his father lives with his mother, away from him. Because his mother does not and will not accept him.
Kisa, who tries to express how much she cares for Hiro and who can't understand how he acts.
Hiro, who risks everything every time he sees the girl he loves and who never wants to see her in pain again.
And that damn rat. I realize more then others how much he hurts every day. I can't stand it.
Sometimes I ask myself why I bother trying to beat him. I haven't yet, and no matter how strong I get I may never be able to defeat him.
A lot of the time, I use the excuse if not wanting to be confined, or simply refusing to prove Akito correct. That isn't it at all.
The truth is, I'm not secure in the fact that I can beat him. I want to prove to myself that I can. No one else.
Sometimes I really, truly want to get him angry enough so that he'll go through with his threat of killing me. But that wouldn't help anyone. As long as I'm living in this world, another cat cannot be born into the Sohma family. I don't want any other child to go through and endure what I did growing up.
And damnit, Yuki knows it.
I'm always exhausted.
But there's one person in this world, on the Earth, who can give me the psychological rest I admit that I need. I don't like to admit that I need anyone, I won't hesitate to admit that I need her.
Tohru makes me feel like I matter. Like I'm the most important, precious, thing in the world. To be honest, I revel in it. I don't like to say it, but I knew before I did that I was addicted to her kindness.
I craved (and still crave) her approval, and I know that I and nearly all of us would do anything to protect her, and that she would do the same. She has already proven that, as I, Yuki, and Momiji will say easily and frequently.
She doesn't seem to mind acting like a complete dork at times, and when she smiles at me, I feel like she's looking at me, and only me.
It's something I've only had with Shishou.
When Shigure made those zodiac figurines, I can't express how furious I was. I should have been used to it, but really. HOW DARE HE! He wasn't just excluding me from the zodiac, but to me, it felt like he was excluding me from the family.
I couldn't believe it when several months later, Tohru inconspicuously added an obviously hand-painted figurine of a small orange cat to the collection, making a total of thirteen.
I'm always exhausted.
But at least I've got a remedy.
-FINITE-
Show me your world, so I'll never get lost. Show me your heart, so I'll never misunderstand. Show me your soul, so I can show you mine.
-Salazarfalcon
I only think of you
And it's breaking my heart
I'm trying to keep it together
But I'm falling apart