Sirius: *has just finished reading Harry Potter and The Order of the
Phoenix. Puts the book down with a dazed and horrified look* I...I
can't...I can't believe it.... Sh-SHE KILLED ME OFF!
James: Hey, I got killed off in the first one, how do you think I feel?
Sirius: Yeah, but people didn't have time to start to love you! Think of my public! *launches into overdramatic weeping*
Remus: *looks at HealerAriel* Well, this puts a damper on your planned sequels, doesn't it?
HealerAriel: Hey, you forget, I'm a fanfic authoress. As such, I have a certain power that no wizard possesses. Yes, my friends, I am speaking of plot holes!
Guys: Oh, really?
HealerAriel: Yep. And with these, I fully intend to create an alternate reality, in which Siri's completely unscathed, and poor Harry's fifth year doesn't suck so bad.
Sirius: *pumps fist in the air* YEAH! Who ever said a crazed fanfic authoress having a crush on you was a bad thing?! Haha! *does a remarkably stupid dance*
HealerAriel: And speaking of OoTP... I am appalled at your behavior, James. I mean, you were such an asshole! How the hell did you get into Gryffindor?
James: I's sorry...
Sirius: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Can I narrate now? Pleasepleasepleaseplease?
HealerAriel: I was planning on letting one of the girls...
Sirius: But I need to get my mind off my untimely death....*adorable pouty face, complete with puppy-dog eyes*
Remus: Oy.
.(A/N- for reference, I have nothing against blondes, so don't flame me later. You'll see why.)
.
*Narrated, obviously, by the illustrious Mr. Black*
I must say that I am a genius. I mean, I have sneaking in and out of dormitories down to an ART. You name anyone else in Hogwarts - or the WORLD, for that matter - who can do that, and you can call me a House Elf. Hey, it's not my fault I'm perfect.
I tossed James's Invisibility Cloak onto his bed upon reentering our dorm, and he woke up with a grunt of
"Lily?"
"Well, I certainly know what YOU were dreaming about Prongs," I accused, grinning, as I stripped to my underwear. (A/N- what red-blooded teenaged female would NOT want to be in that room right now?)
"Can't help it, she's hot," he replied. "So, how was Hufflepuff?"
"Warm and moist," I answered, slipping into my bed.
"The weather, or the girls?"
"Both."
"Touche, Mr. Padfoot."
"You know," a very sleepy-sounding Remus muttered from the bed next to mine, "if you guys keep waking me up at all hours of the night with perverted stories, I may have to exact my prefect-ness on your asses." I rolled my eyes and heard James groan loudly.
"If you give a werewolf a badge, he'll want to give you detention," I sighed. "I remember a long time ago when you were fun, Moony."
"Me, fun? I was never fun. I've always been the responsible prat who tells you to do your homework."
"Yeah, but we never had to LISTEN to you before," James replied.
"You STILL don't listen to me."
"The point is that now we're supposed to, and that in itself can really kill all the fun."
"Sirius?"
"Yup?"
"You're an idiot."
"That may be true, but I'm a very sexy idiot."
***
*Narrated by Kitty again! Yay!*
I was on my third cup of coffee. Honestly, I would have preferred to be happily asleep in my bed, rather than in the bright, noisy Great Hall. Damn Lily's early-morning energy.
"Kitty?" the woman of the hour herself asked, giving me a concerned green gaze. "Are you feeling alright? You look terrible. You really should eat something, you know."
"I'm not hungry," I mumbled, trying to ignore my throbbing head. Not for the first time, I had drank far too much out of heartache. Sirius Black would be the death of me.
"Are you sure?" Lily pressed on. I nodded. Her slightly high-pitched 'mother' tone was only serving to aggravate my lovely, alcohol-induced migraine. Anything to shut her up would have been nice. But it seemed shutting up was not in the cards, as I was soon bombarded by three NEW high- pitched voices. This fresh torture came in the forms of Amberlee Winters, Gracie McNeal, and (the last girl I wanted to see at the moment) Jessica Love.
"Ugh, why me?" I groaned into my coffee mug, as the three of them sat, prettily and chipperly as possible, in the chairs surrounding me and Lily. And then proceeded to dicuss the last BOY I wanted to see at the moment. I wondered, as Jessica described what she had done with Black the night before, if I could get away with practicing my inherent Dark Gifts on her. This happy, bloody fantasy was interrupted by three sets of shrill giggles. I noticed Lily giving me a sympathetic look. I shrugged at her.
"I'm sorry, I must have missed the finer points of the conversation while I was attempting to drown myself in my coffee," I said. Jessica giggled again and tossed her white-blond curls over her shoulder, then fixed powder-blue eyes on me.
"Oh, Kitty, you look so bad," she said in this sickly sweet tone that just made me want to kill her. Jessica's two sidekicks nodded in agreement.
"You should see Madam Pomfrey," Gracie advised, twirling a strand of golden hair with her long pink fingernails.
"You do look dreadfully pale," Amberlee added.
"I'm always pale," I informed rather snappishly. And people wonder why I hate blondes...
"Well...well, yes," Amberlee replied, looking sheepish. "But you look paler today. Have you got a fever?" I intercepted the perfectly manicured and bejeweled hand before it connected with my forehead.
"No, I do not," I answered, squeezing her wrist with a bit of vampiric strength thrown in for good measure. She winced satisfactorily, and I let go. Then it became all the more apparent that this was not my day.
"Oooh!" Jessica squealed (it felt like my head was going to split in two), standing up and waving to the newly present Marauders. I growled as Lily and James exchanged kissy-kissy greetings, and a certain cheating bastard was smothered with affection, courtesy of Jessica, Gracie, and Amberlee. Our resident werewolf seated himself next to me.
"Geez, Kitty, you look like hell," he said quietly.
"Yep. I have a fucking hangover the size of Black's ego, and I'm surrounded by a bunch of loud blonde airheads. My day's going great so far, how about yours?" He have me his trademark gentle smile and put a comforting arm around my shoulders.
"If it helps, things'll get worse before they get any better," he offered. I snorted and grinned at him.
"That helps a lot, Remus, thank you."
***
*And now, back to Sirius, since he's nagging me!*
Somewhere in the middle of my very warm welcome, I caught sight of a very discombobulated-looking Kitty VonSteffon sitting across the table. With Remus's arm around her. It felt like my blood had caught on fire, and I had the sudden unexplainable urge to transform and remove that arm with my teeth. I shook my head. Really, this was silly, Remus wouldn't...
"Didn't realize you two were so close," I found myself snapping. Remus instantly folded his hands on the table.
"Kitty has a headache," he explained in that unnervingly calm tone.
"Oh, really? Drink too much last night?" I asked.
"Go to hell, Black," Kitty suggested.
"Ah, hangover and PMS, I see." Kitty calmly flipped me off, and rose shakily from the table.
"I'm gonna go see if one of Lily's spellbooks has anything for headaches," she muttered. When she'd gone, Remus stared at me.
"What the hell was THAT all about?" he demanded as I sat down.
"What?"
"You were bloody GROWLING at me!"
"You had your arm around her," I accused.
"You're one hell of a hypocrite sometimes, Padfoot," he informed. "How d'you think SHE feels when you've got other girls all over YOU?"
"Thank you, Moony, I'll ponder that. In the meantime, keep off my territory, or we may not be friends very long," I snarled.
"Dammit, Sirius, LISTEN to me for once, okay? I. Have. No. Interest. In. Kitty. She is a close friend, that's it."
"Exactly HOW close is debatable."
"Oh, for God's sake! Look, she may as well be a guy to me, okay? I have no romantic and/or sexual interest in her whatsoever. I like M-" He promptly shut up. I smirked.
"No, no, go on. Finish the sentence, Moony, I'm curious. Who DO you like? Hmm, couldn't be HER then could it?" I teased, as a certain young klutz made her way to our table.
"You really suck," Remus informed, blushing, before standing up and catching Klutz as she tripped over her robes.
"Oh, I'm sorry about that," she said quietly, her own face bright pink as she took a seat next to him.
"Don't worry about it," I assured. "By the end of the year, his reflexes should be so sharp that he may actually have a chance at being on the Quidditch team. He's been rather pathetic these past few tryouts."
"Mind you that I only tried out because you and James were nagging me to," he stated. "I quote: 'C'mon, Moony, think of it! Chicks love Quidditch players, it won't even matter that you're pale and scrawny!'"
"Oh, yeah! I remember that!" I crowed happily, proceeding to laugh my (fine) ass off at the memory. Remus rolled his eyes. Klutz giggled.
"Glad you enjoyed it, Sirius, because as I remember, you happened to have blurted it out in Professor McGonagall's class, and SHE was none too pleased."
"Ah, the old bat's never pleased. She's got a boot up her-" Remus was giving me THAT LOOK. "...Right, well, anyway, you don't have to worry about girls anymore, do you? I mean, hey, girls have literally been FALLING into your lap these days, haven't they?" THAT LOOK turned into the 'I'll bite you if you don't stop embarrassing me' look.
"Sirius," he warned. I held up my hands in defeat.
"Okay, okay. You win, I was just commenting on your recent stroke of luck," I added, winking.
"What do you m-?"
"I'll tell you when you're older, Klutz."
(A/N- yes, I know, it sucks, I'm sorry! I'll try to do better next time, I promise!)
James: Hey, I got killed off in the first one, how do you think I feel?
Sirius: Yeah, but people didn't have time to start to love you! Think of my public! *launches into overdramatic weeping*
Remus: *looks at HealerAriel* Well, this puts a damper on your planned sequels, doesn't it?
HealerAriel: Hey, you forget, I'm a fanfic authoress. As such, I have a certain power that no wizard possesses. Yes, my friends, I am speaking of plot holes!
Guys: Oh, really?
HealerAriel: Yep. And with these, I fully intend to create an alternate reality, in which Siri's completely unscathed, and poor Harry's fifth year doesn't suck so bad.
Sirius: *pumps fist in the air* YEAH! Who ever said a crazed fanfic authoress having a crush on you was a bad thing?! Haha! *does a remarkably stupid dance*
HealerAriel: And speaking of OoTP... I am appalled at your behavior, James. I mean, you were such an asshole! How the hell did you get into Gryffindor?
James: I's sorry...
Sirius: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Can I narrate now? Pleasepleasepleaseplease?
HealerAriel: I was planning on letting one of the girls...
Sirius: But I need to get my mind off my untimely death....*adorable pouty face, complete with puppy-dog eyes*
Remus: Oy.
.(A/N- for reference, I have nothing against blondes, so don't flame me later. You'll see why.)
.
*Narrated, obviously, by the illustrious Mr. Black*
I must say that I am a genius. I mean, I have sneaking in and out of dormitories down to an ART. You name anyone else in Hogwarts - or the WORLD, for that matter - who can do that, and you can call me a House Elf. Hey, it's not my fault I'm perfect.
I tossed James's Invisibility Cloak onto his bed upon reentering our dorm, and he woke up with a grunt of
"Lily?"
"Well, I certainly know what YOU were dreaming about Prongs," I accused, grinning, as I stripped to my underwear. (A/N- what red-blooded teenaged female would NOT want to be in that room right now?)
"Can't help it, she's hot," he replied. "So, how was Hufflepuff?"
"Warm and moist," I answered, slipping into my bed.
"The weather, or the girls?"
"Both."
"Touche, Mr. Padfoot."
"You know," a very sleepy-sounding Remus muttered from the bed next to mine, "if you guys keep waking me up at all hours of the night with perverted stories, I may have to exact my prefect-ness on your asses." I rolled my eyes and heard James groan loudly.
"If you give a werewolf a badge, he'll want to give you detention," I sighed. "I remember a long time ago when you were fun, Moony."
"Me, fun? I was never fun. I've always been the responsible prat who tells you to do your homework."
"Yeah, but we never had to LISTEN to you before," James replied.
"You STILL don't listen to me."
"The point is that now we're supposed to, and that in itself can really kill all the fun."
"Sirius?"
"Yup?"
"You're an idiot."
"That may be true, but I'm a very sexy idiot."
***
*Narrated by Kitty again! Yay!*
I was on my third cup of coffee. Honestly, I would have preferred to be happily asleep in my bed, rather than in the bright, noisy Great Hall. Damn Lily's early-morning energy.
"Kitty?" the woman of the hour herself asked, giving me a concerned green gaze. "Are you feeling alright? You look terrible. You really should eat something, you know."
"I'm not hungry," I mumbled, trying to ignore my throbbing head. Not for the first time, I had drank far too much out of heartache. Sirius Black would be the death of me.
"Are you sure?" Lily pressed on. I nodded. Her slightly high-pitched 'mother' tone was only serving to aggravate my lovely, alcohol-induced migraine. Anything to shut her up would have been nice. But it seemed shutting up was not in the cards, as I was soon bombarded by three NEW high- pitched voices. This fresh torture came in the forms of Amberlee Winters, Gracie McNeal, and (the last girl I wanted to see at the moment) Jessica Love.
"Ugh, why me?" I groaned into my coffee mug, as the three of them sat, prettily and chipperly as possible, in the chairs surrounding me and Lily. And then proceeded to dicuss the last BOY I wanted to see at the moment. I wondered, as Jessica described what she had done with Black the night before, if I could get away with practicing my inherent Dark Gifts on her. This happy, bloody fantasy was interrupted by three sets of shrill giggles. I noticed Lily giving me a sympathetic look. I shrugged at her.
"I'm sorry, I must have missed the finer points of the conversation while I was attempting to drown myself in my coffee," I said. Jessica giggled again and tossed her white-blond curls over her shoulder, then fixed powder-blue eyes on me.
"Oh, Kitty, you look so bad," she said in this sickly sweet tone that just made me want to kill her. Jessica's two sidekicks nodded in agreement.
"You should see Madam Pomfrey," Gracie advised, twirling a strand of golden hair with her long pink fingernails.
"You do look dreadfully pale," Amberlee added.
"I'm always pale," I informed rather snappishly. And people wonder why I hate blondes...
"Well...well, yes," Amberlee replied, looking sheepish. "But you look paler today. Have you got a fever?" I intercepted the perfectly manicured and bejeweled hand before it connected with my forehead.
"No, I do not," I answered, squeezing her wrist with a bit of vampiric strength thrown in for good measure. She winced satisfactorily, and I let go. Then it became all the more apparent that this was not my day.
"Oooh!" Jessica squealed (it felt like my head was going to split in two), standing up and waving to the newly present Marauders. I growled as Lily and James exchanged kissy-kissy greetings, and a certain cheating bastard was smothered with affection, courtesy of Jessica, Gracie, and Amberlee. Our resident werewolf seated himself next to me.
"Geez, Kitty, you look like hell," he said quietly.
"Yep. I have a fucking hangover the size of Black's ego, and I'm surrounded by a bunch of loud blonde airheads. My day's going great so far, how about yours?" He have me his trademark gentle smile and put a comforting arm around my shoulders.
"If it helps, things'll get worse before they get any better," he offered. I snorted and grinned at him.
"That helps a lot, Remus, thank you."
***
*And now, back to Sirius, since he's nagging me!*
Somewhere in the middle of my very warm welcome, I caught sight of a very discombobulated-looking Kitty VonSteffon sitting across the table. With Remus's arm around her. It felt like my blood had caught on fire, and I had the sudden unexplainable urge to transform and remove that arm with my teeth. I shook my head. Really, this was silly, Remus wouldn't...
"Didn't realize you two were so close," I found myself snapping. Remus instantly folded his hands on the table.
"Kitty has a headache," he explained in that unnervingly calm tone.
"Oh, really? Drink too much last night?" I asked.
"Go to hell, Black," Kitty suggested.
"Ah, hangover and PMS, I see." Kitty calmly flipped me off, and rose shakily from the table.
"I'm gonna go see if one of Lily's spellbooks has anything for headaches," she muttered. When she'd gone, Remus stared at me.
"What the hell was THAT all about?" he demanded as I sat down.
"What?"
"You were bloody GROWLING at me!"
"You had your arm around her," I accused.
"You're one hell of a hypocrite sometimes, Padfoot," he informed. "How d'you think SHE feels when you've got other girls all over YOU?"
"Thank you, Moony, I'll ponder that. In the meantime, keep off my territory, or we may not be friends very long," I snarled.
"Dammit, Sirius, LISTEN to me for once, okay? I. Have. No. Interest. In. Kitty. She is a close friend, that's it."
"Exactly HOW close is debatable."
"Oh, for God's sake! Look, she may as well be a guy to me, okay? I have no romantic and/or sexual interest in her whatsoever. I like M-" He promptly shut up. I smirked.
"No, no, go on. Finish the sentence, Moony, I'm curious. Who DO you like? Hmm, couldn't be HER then could it?" I teased, as a certain young klutz made her way to our table.
"You really suck," Remus informed, blushing, before standing up and catching Klutz as she tripped over her robes.
"Oh, I'm sorry about that," she said quietly, her own face bright pink as she took a seat next to him.
"Don't worry about it," I assured. "By the end of the year, his reflexes should be so sharp that he may actually have a chance at being on the Quidditch team. He's been rather pathetic these past few tryouts."
"Mind you that I only tried out because you and James were nagging me to," he stated. "I quote: 'C'mon, Moony, think of it! Chicks love Quidditch players, it won't even matter that you're pale and scrawny!'"
"Oh, yeah! I remember that!" I crowed happily, proceeding to laugh my (fine) ass off at the memory. Remus rolled his eyes. Klutz giggled.
"Glad you enjoyed it, Sirius, because as I remember, you happened to have blurted it out in Professor McGonagall's class, and SHE was none too pleased."
"Ah, the old bat's never pleased. She's got a boot up her-" Remus was giving me THAT LOOK. "...Right, well, anyway, you don't have to worry about girls anymore, do you? I mean, hey, girls have literally been FALLING into your lap these days, haven't they?" THAT LOOK turned into the 'I'll bite you if you don't stop embarrassing me' look.
"Sirius," he warned. I held up my hands in defeat.
"Okay, okay. You win, I was just commenting on your recent stroke of luck," I added, winking.
"What do you m-?"
"I'll tell you when you're older, Klutz."
(A/N- yes, I know, it sucks, I'm sorry! I'll try to do better next time, I promise!)