Chapter 11

Hey guys! Yes, I am alive! And here's the next chapter of the story (finally)! I don't own 'Fallen' by Sarah McLachlan.

For some strange reason, I slept better than I had in a while that night. I don't know if it was because I was emotionally empty, or because my mind simply couldn't cope with being aware anymore. Whatever the reason was, it doesn't really matter now. I was cruel to Avarier, just as he was cruel to me. Olos is caught and my horse will be fine after several months of careful healing. Legolas is guarding the captive elf and Hodoer is trying to figure out a way to get back to Middle Earth. I'm not quite sure where Avarier and Astaider are, but I don't really care about that. All I care about is the fact that I'm currently lounging at a friend's house, watching episodes of 'Mad TV'.

"What does mama say about the Devil-Dogs?"

"Mommy says that Devil-Dogs look like poo," answers Stuart.

My friends start laughing at the sketch, but I'm only able to manage a strained smile. Usually, the Stuart sketches can get me laughing 'til I'm unable to breathe, but I'm just not in the mood right now.

"Siren?"

I perk up at the sound of my name and look to my left. My best friend, Sean, is looking at me with concern. "What's wrong?" he asks. Damn him. He can always tell when something's wrong. Must be a gay-man thing. Or perhaps my misery is really that obvious. "Nothing's wrong. I'm just tired. It's been a long week," I say, only half-lying. He looks at me skeptically, but doesn't press the matter. Thank God. I rest my head on my arms and watch as a 'Miss Swan' sketch comes on. Ah Miss Swan, I wish I could tell my friends every-ting.

A few hours later I hug my friends and go home. As much as I loathe returning to my house where I'm harboring two elves and an ex-boyfriend, I know that I have to face this. I walk into my house, greet the family, announce that I'm exhausted and lock myself in my bedroom. Hodoer, Astaider and Avarier are there. The two elves are discussing possible ways to get home and my mortal bastard of an ex is sitting on my bed, sulking. Damn, he's not crying. I should have been meaner.

"Any luck finding a way back?" I ask.

The two elves shake their heads and I can see that they're tired too. "You guys get some sleep. I'll do some research and see what I can find." They look grateful and I walk over to my bed. As much as I hate being near him, for some reason I still find some small amount of comfort in his prescence. I'm not even two feet away from the guy I loved, but I've never felt so alone. I've never been so hurt and so angry and upset before. I sit down near the headboard and watch him as he doesn't move from the foot of the bed.

"So have you done anything productive today besides sulk?" I ask coldly. I see him flinch and then notice something else disturbing.

There are tear-tracks on his face.

"Have you been...?"

He wipes at his face and looks away. As much as I hate it, my heart contracts and I feel a small measure of pity for him. I'm tempted to reach out to him, but stop myself.

Oh Lord, how did we end up like this?

"Legolas didn't trust me to help him watch Olos and I'm no good at portals. I know you don't trust me to look after your horse. And as for looking after you..."

"I don't need anyone to look after me," I say softly. He nods and mutters, "I know."

"How did we end up like this, Si? How did you slip away?"

I sigh heavily and shake my head. "I don't know, Avarier. You hurt me. I hurt you. End of story." He stands up and walks over to the window, peering outside. "You never tried to get back. You made one attempt. I made hundreds." I open my mouth to protest, but he cuts me off. "Ever since I found you again, I've had the insecurity that you didn't want to see me again. And when Olos voiced that insecurity..." He pauses. "I love you, Si. There's no excuse for what I did. I know that. I also know that you hate me for it and I understand that."

He turns to me and I feel my breath catch in my throat. He's so beautiful and looks so crushed but hopeful. He walks to the bed and kneels in front of me.

"Olos has hurt both of us. He has succeeded in quite a few evil deeds. But please," he touches my face, "don't let him tear us apart."

I feel the tears well up in my eyes and struggle to find the ability to speak.

"How am I supposed to trust you again?" I ask, ashamed at the sound of my voice breaking. Avarier shakes his head.

"Have faith in me. Let me prove to you that you can trust me. Please."

I catch my breath as his thumb traces my bottom lip. Oh God, I just want to give in. I don't want to hate him anymore.

"Avarier..."

His face inches closer to mine. I feel his breath against my skin and I close my eyes. I can forgive him. I know I can.

"I can't."

I pull away, my shuddering internally at the loss of contact. I look away from him, wanting to run away and hide.

"You hurt me, Avarier. And..."

I can forgive him. It's not too late...

"It's too late," I say, knowing in my heart that it's true. I force myself to look at him. He looks heartbroken, and I feel my stomach lurch at the sight of it.

"It can't be too late. Not after all we've been through," he says.

"But it is," I whisper.

Tears well in his eyes and I turn my body to face him completely.

"I can forgive, Avarier. But I can't forget. I'll always remember what you did. And I couldn't...I can't move past that. I wish to God that I could, but I can't," I tell him brokenly.

"But I love you," I says, holding my hand and pulling me into a tight embrace.

I shut my eyes tightly and cry, wanting to hug him back, but knowing I can't.

"I'm so sorry," he mutters into my hair.

Oh God. I can't stay here. I can't be near him. I pull away and stand up. I look at him one last time, then turn and leave the room. Astaider and Hodoer look at me from the couch, their eyes full of worry and pity. I can't take it.

"I'm going out," I say and open the window.

"Are you sure that's wise?" Hodoer asks.

I crawl onto the roof and look back at her. "I'm not sure of anything anymore," I answer honestly, then disappear from their view.

I make my way through the woods, tears still blurring my eyes. I want so badly to forgive him and look past his actions. But I know that I can't. If he truly loved me, he would never doubt my love for him. But wouldn't I be able to forgive him if I truly loved him?

"Siren?"

I walk past Legolas and toward the elf that caused this whole mess. Olos is propped up against a tree, bound tightly. He looks up at me, eyebrow cocked.

"And to what do I owe this extreme displeasure?"

I kneel in front of him and grab his shirt. Yanking him toward me, I stare into his eyes. The green depths stare back at me in a mixture of curiosity and amusement.

"Siren, what are you---"

"Why?" I cut off Legolas.

"Why what, my dear?" Olos asks in mock innocence.

"Why did you do this? Why are you the way you are? What have I done to deserve this? Why me?" I ask, shouting.

The amusement in Olos's eyes dim a bit. For a moment, I see...pity? Regret? Whatever I see, it's quickly replaced by something cold.

"Why you? Because of you, I was banished from Gondor, you ignorant bitch!" he growls.

"No! That's not a good enough answer!" Tears are sliding down my cheeks, but I don't care.

"What answer will suffice you, human wench?"

"The truth! Why did you follow Avarier to my world? Why would you go to such lengths to hurt one person?"

Olos shifts his gaze, but I grab his face and turn it to me.

"Answer me, damn it! I want the truth! I deserve the truth!" I demand. Olos's face twists into one of fury.

"You deserve nothing less than the misery you experience now!"

"You're wrong!"

"Am I? All of that boy's insecurity and resentment was there. I didn't create it. I merely brought it to the surface. And you. You say you love him? Then why haven't you forgiven each other? Why are you kneeling before me, seeking answers that will not bring you peace?"

I stare at him, eyes wide. Olos's face slowly relaxes into its usually cool state, and he leans back.

"I will speak no more with you tonight, child. Leave."

I stare at the elf in front of me. I want to say something witty and cruel, but I can think of nothing. Olos stares back at me, daring me to continue. Biting back another sob, I stand up and turn to Legolas. He studies me with concern and takes a step toward me, but I turn and walk away.

"Sweet dreams, human!" Olos calls after me.

Heaven bend to take my hand

And lead me through the fire

Be the long awaited answer

To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I tried my best

But somewhere along the way

I got caught up in all there was to offer

But the cost was so much more than I could bear

I wander down my street, not exactly sure where I'm going. Was Olos right? Would Avarier and I have fallen apart no matter what? Did we really love each other at all? I thought I knew what love was...I thought...

Though I've tried, I've fallen

I have sunk so low

I messed up

Better I should know

So don't come 'round here and

Tell me I told you so

Avarier and I have been through so much together. I know that I loved him. I'm sure of it. And as much as I hate to admit it, Olos is right. He just brought everything to the surface. And though it's immature, I really wish that I could lie to myself and say that the damn elf was wrong. Why can't I? Why can't I simply lie to myself and pretend like this never happened?

"Because it did," I murmur to myself.

We all begin out with good intent

When love is raw and young

We believe that we can change ourselves

The past can be undone

But we carry on our back the burdens time always reveals

In the lonely light of morning

In the wound that would not heal

It's the bitter taste of losing everything

I've held so dear

I wish I had never met him. I wish I never went to Middle Earth. I wish none of it had ever happened and that it all really was just a dream. I wish...I just want to forget it all. To leave it all behind.

Though I've tried I've fallen

I have sunk so low

I messed up

Better I should know

So don't come 'round here and

Tell me I told you so

"Why did you do those things to her, Olos?"

The dark elf looked at the one questioning him.

"Why do you care, Thranduillion?"

"She is a friend, Olos."

"Mortals and elves are not friends, Legolas. They are merely amusement."

"You know that's not true."

Olos inhaled deeply and grinned.

"How can you stand to be in her prescence, Legolas? The pain she gives off...it's unbearable. Just being within her proximity is painful."

"You caused her that pain."

Olos smiled widely.

"And therefore I can tolerate it. But you? Do you really care about her that much?"

"Yes."

"But her pain is damaging. We are elf-kind, Legolas. The pain we experience is strong, but we can bury it away in time. The pain of others can destroy us if we remain near it for too long. Will you stay near her?"

"Yes."

Olos studied Legolas for a moment in a mixture of disgust and amazement. "Then you are a fool. Let her grief consume you and herself."

Heaven bend to take my hand

I've nowhere left to turn

I'm lost to these I thought were friends

To everyone I know

Oh they turn their heads embrarrassed

Pretend that they don't see

That it's one wrong step, one slip, before you know it

And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

I raise my hand and knock on the door of my best friend's house. Sean answers the door bleary-eyed. Blinking the sleep away, he frowns. "What's wrong?" he asks. I open my mouth to answer, but begin to cry instead. He quickly wraps his arms around me and leads me into his house. "Siren?" I hug him tightly and continue to cry.

Though I've tried I've fallen

I have sunk so low

I messed up

Better I should know

So don't come 'round here and

Tell me I told you so

I messed up

Better I should know

So don't come 'round here and

Tell me I told you so

2 Be Continued