Lesson 2: The Pairings (If You MUST Set 'Em Up, Set 'Em Up With Style!)
Hermione: Well, uninspiring as Miss Unoriginality's grammar was, she still reminded me that the pairings are a very important aspect of these fanfics. Although I don't really approve a bunch of crazed authors pairing me up with anything that moves, I guess there's still a right way and a wrong way to go about this.
Ron: (still in shock at Unoriginality's composition) I mean… they don't even kinda like each other! It's unthinkable!
Hermione: There, there, Ron. I'm offended, too. But the real offense would have to be in Unoriginality's delivery of the romance, and not so much the pairing itself.
Ron: What are you saying? That could never be acceptable!
Hermione: But for the sake of this lesson, I have to admit, that given the proper amount of subtlety and planning, you can pull off just about any pairing. So long as the readers feel it came about in a natural way, that is. Unoriginality's 'She suddenly realized she was in love' just doesn't cut it.
Ron: Hermione! It's impossible! Draco Malfoy is evil!
Hermione: I agree. But if the author were to manipulate the audience into believing that I was evil, too, couldn't it work then? There are infinite means to persuade readers; so long as you're patient enough to establish the necessary plot developments.
Ron: You've gone all loony!
Hermione: Just for the fic's sake, Ron! Let's show writers how to properly pull off an unusual pairing.
Ron: Oh, the horror!
Hermione: Why are you so upset? It's just a fanfic, isn't it?
Ron: In the words of my favorite bookworm, "It's not realistic!"
Hermione: That's the challenge of it:
Hermione struggled to her feet awkwardly, glaring at Malfoy. "Serves you right." She gestured to the mess of a breakfast. "You just leave me alone!"
"Well, what do you think you're doing, walking over here when the library is that way? Dirty blood going to your brain?" Malfoy growled, stealing Crabbe's napkin.
"I can walk wherever I please!" Hermione stormed out of the Hall, an obvious shoe mark in her hair (the shoeprint was bad, but she was starting to get tired of everyone making fun of her hair in general).
Ron: Okay… that wasn't so bad after all.
Hermione: Well, that's just because I need to set up a relationship between the two before I do anything extreme like Unoriginality did.
Ron: A relationship!? Please tell me you're kidding.
Hermione: I'm only giving examples for authors to follow. What would they learn if I presented them with an easy-to-write pairing?
Ron: And what would that be?
Hermione: (turning pink) I don't know… me and Harry?
Ron: (fuming) You make it sound like that's the obvious way to go?!
Hermione: Stop taking everything so personally. We could pair you up with Fleur!
Ron: Why would she be at Hogwarts during our fifth year?
Hermione: Well, what do you want to do then?
Ron: Er… cast some more spells on Malfoy?
Hermione: (groans) Let me go ahead and develop a relationship hook:
Hermione stormed into the library, holding one hand to her disfigured hair. She didn't feel like crying right now, but rather fix her recently damaged appearance.
"There must be a spell in here to neaten up unruly hair," She sighed as she started skimming over all-too-familiar tomes.
She glanced over some complicated Transfiguration spells that were beyond her skill level. They still hadn't learned how to Transfigure people yet. But still, how hard could it be? Hermione had once seen Angelina cast a pair of Transfigured eyelashes without any hiccup whatsoever. And Angelina wasn't even that good in her Transfiguration classes.
Here was an interesting listing on a loose, tattered page: Long, Lovely, Luscious Locks. The description was faded with age, but Hermione managed to make out a few letters. It seemed to say something about making one's head 'shine with magnificence.' That was her best guess; anyway; many of the characters were illegible.
"Here goes nothing." She sighed, and pointed the wand at her own skull. "Reallo Lustori!"
To Hermione's amazement, she felt the frizzes in her hair come undone and relax in straight lengths down her back. The scuffmark was gone, she noted, as she admired her hair in the mirror. It wasn't a huge improvement, per se, but it was a new look. She tossed her new hair over her shoulder and left for her dorms in order to pack for the fieldtrip.
Ron: I don't see what that has to do with that… disgusting pairing.
Hermione: (impatient) Oh, don't you see? The description didn't read, 'shine with magnificence!' It really said 'shine with malignance,' but I couldn't tell!
Ron: Well, if you couldn't tell than what good is putting it in the story?
Hermione: (disappointed) Do I have to spell it out? I cast a curse on myself, so I'm evil now!
Ron: Evil?!
Hermione: Well not completely evil. The curse just gives me some evil tendencies, and didn't you notice the second word of the incantation was 'Lustori?'
Ron: So what?
Hermione: Well, I thought it alluded to lustrous hair, but it really refers to the lust for evil that the curse plants within its victim's head! Oh, you don't think it's too obvious? You don't think the readers would figure it out right away, do you?
Ron: (looks tired) Why do you want yourself to be evil, Hermione?
Hermione: So I can fall for Draco! (looks pleased)
Ron: (looks sick and tired) Why can't we just forget about that?
Hermione: Because it's part of writing a fanfic, and I want to do it right!
Ron: Couldn't you please fall for someone else?
Hermione: It's too late. I've figured this all out already. Besides, it's just pretend. What difference does it make?
Ron: Fine, if you're going to be so stubborn:
The almighty Ron Weasley snuck into the Slytherin common room that night and kidnapped the offensive creep Malfoy. He didn't like the way Hermione had been acting lately, so he stuffed Malfoy in an anonymous dungeon where he'd be out of sight, and miss the fieldtrip.
Hermione: Oh sure. You just kidnapped him, easy as that.
Ron: I can't let him corrupt your little cursed head.
Hermione: In the story, you don't know I'm cursed! Nobody does! Not even me!
Ron: True. But since when did I need a reason to stuff Draco Malfoy in an anonymous dungeon?
Hermione: Put him back, Ron! It ruins the story!
Ron: You're really turning loony:
For some unknown reason, the almighty Ron Weasley returned his rival to the Slytherin common room and placed a memory charm he had learned from Gilderoy Lockheart on him so he wouldn't remember anything.
He then returned to his own common room so he could spend the whole rest of the night glaring evilly at Hermione Granger who looked very different than that morning.
Hermione: Speaking of which, what happened to that afternoon? That's sloppy writing:
The entire afternoon, Hermione had been packing, strangely obsessing over what to take, and terribly distressed that she didn't have anything to wear in London that was more form fitting.
Ron: Why do you want that?
Hermione: I'm evil now.
Ron: So evil girls like to walk around London in slinky clothes, then?
Hermione: I'm just trying to leave some clues to the readers that all is not right! It's unfair if I don't give them a chance to figure it out.
Ron: (disapproving) I think you can be just as evil in plain old robes as out of them.
Hermione: (angry) And how would you know what I can be 'out of robes?'
Ron: That's not what I meant! But do whatever you want; it's your story.
Hermione: Well, unfortunately you've taken over part of it, too. You can write next.
Ron: Fine:
The next day, they gathered around special portkeys that had been brought to Hogwarts specifically for the fieldtrip. They were all standing outside the grounds, since magical transporting was ineffective within the school. The next key available was cleverly disguised as a fire hydrant.
"Don't shove now," Hagrid herded the students. He was one of the guardians that would be attending the trip. "Just a couple 'o students per key. Don' wanter surprise the muggles with too big a crowd."
Harry and Ron approached the key excitedly, chatting about London and how it differed from the magic world.
"Coming, Hermione?" Harry turned to her.
"Hm?" She replied, distractedly stroking her straight hair. "Oh, no. I'll just catch the next one."
"But we were going to stick together in London, remember? We don't want to get separated right away!" Harry reasoned good-naturedly.
"Go on, Harry." Hermione returned roughly. "Stop being a baby! It's not dangerous out there."
"Wrong side of the bed?" Ron shrugged and took hold of the fire hydrant with Harry. "Seriously, women are so moody!"
They disappeared from Hogwarts.
Ron: I am not doing the next part.
Hermione: Why? How do you know what happens next?
Ron: It's obvious! Why else would you stay behind?
Hermione: Excuse me, but you were the ones that left me behind! You wrote it, anyway!
Ron: I'm just trying to keep you in character.
Hermione: Well if you're too scared:
"What happened to this?" Malfoy pulled on Hermione's hair much harder than was necessary and then looked like he regretted it. He wiped his hand on his robes in disgust. "I've got to wash my hands now… mudblood hair, yech."
Hermione put a hand on her scalp defensively. "I had to get your footprints out!" She narrowed her eyes. "You're not the only one who needs to wash."
"There now," Hagrid said firmly. "Leave 'er alone, Malfoy. You four get the next portkey… sorry but it's a rotten salami."
Hermione, Draco, Parvati Patil, and Goyle took the key to London.
Hermione: (relieved) There! They're finally there.
Ron: (gloomy) I don't like where this is going. This isn't a Harry fic at all! It's all about you.
Hermione: All about me? I wasn't the one who's already cast two exploding spells, and kidnapped someone, and put them back! Seems to me you're in the spotlight.
Ron: Oh no… she's back.
Unoriginality: I overheard! You took my advice! I knew it was a good idea.
Hermione: Actually, Unoriginality, I'm conducting lessons here so any example will do.
Unoriginality: Oh, then let me:
Her naim wuz Medina Crystal Meridian, and she wuz the mostest bootiflu girl whom ever wennt too Hogworts. She wuz, off corse, a Griffindoor, and she always gets gud grayds. Evereebodi luved her, becuz she wuz the mist pretties girl. She hadd secrets, tho, and she never lyyked too tel anibodi that she wzu seacretly Yoo-Kno-Hoo's long losted niece, becuz she thot then nowun wud lyk her anymore, and that althoo she wuz the monst gorjos girl in the hole skooll, she wood bee lonely if the trooth getted out.
Hermione: (makes fingers into a cross) Major run-on sentence, there!
Ron: Was that… (gulps) what I thought it was? Was that your typical introduction for a Mary Sue?
Hermione: (sighs) I'm afraid so.
Unoriginality: What are you talking about? Her name is Medina Meridian, not Mary Sue.
Ron: Oh, trust me. She's a Mary Sue. You can spot them a mile away. They're all the same.
Unoriginality: No, this girl's different! She's a great character!
Hermione: And why is she so great?
Unoriginality: Because she has knee-length, honey colored hair with ruby-red streaks! And because her eyes are the biggest, most beautiful foamy-blue color anybody's ever seen! Because she has the world's most perfect figure, even though she eats nothing but pizza and the candy her admirers give her by the pound!
Hermione: Uh-huh. So according to you, describing the color of her hair and eyes, and giving out her measurements makes her a great character?
Unoriginality: Uh… yeah… she's so sweet, and everybody loves her!
Ron: But what's she like?
Unoriginality: Well, she has knee-length, honey colored hair, with ruby-red strea-
Ron: Yes, yes. We've got that. But what is she like!?
Unoriginality: Well, she's the best student at school and everybody lov-
Ron: (losing control) What is the stupid girl, actually like!?!
Unoriginality: I'm… not sure what you mean.
Hermione: Of course you don't, Miss Unoriginality. You just run along now, and I'll straighten everything out.
Unoriginality: (leaves, mystified)
Elly: Stay tuned! If this gets a good response, I might just tear my attention away from finals and post lesson 3 (about Mary Sues) next weekend. Thanks for reading, everybody!