Hermione: All right, all you writers. Here is another, all too common pitfall that fanfictionalists fall into. You see, there is a group out there (mostly consisting of young girls), that seems to get their thrills out of converting their wild fantasies into Mary Sue stories.
That is, when you see the dreaded 'Mary Sue introduction' pop-up in a fic, this is probably how the author wishes she looked. 'Long, flowing, black hair,' or 'stunning, deep hazel eyes' is really just the author inserting herself into the plot, conveniently in the most perfect body there ever was.
Ron: And then, remarkably, all the real characters fall in love with her!
Hermione: That's right. Pure fantasy, I'm afraid. There is an antithesis to the Mary Sue, formula of course, and that's called a 'new character.'
Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with devising a new character (this is fanfiction, after all), but keep it under control… please. There have simply been too many sightings of Harry Potter's long-lost sister, Porcelain Potter, for anybody's health.
Ron: (snickers) I'll fix it. There's no reason Medina can't be in our story, but I'm going to cure her Mary Sue Flu, first:
"Oh no… it's her," Parvati groaned under her breath. "I hope she's not assigned to me!"
"Who?" Ron glanced around the London landscape, looking for something distasteful.
"Medina Meridian," Lavender pointed, and spoke the awkward girl's name with a mocking tone. "She's such a klutz!"
"And," Parvati spoke to Ron conspiratorially. "She's muggle-born, so she'll be expected to 'help' one of the magic-born out. Please don't let it be me!"
At this point, Medina was studying the foggy sky that the students were walking under. She suddenly took a false step, and grabbed Harry, taking him to the pavement with her.
Lavender winced. "She's a new Hufflepuff transferring from another school for her last three years. Going to be a long three years for the Hufflepuffs."
Harry got to his feet, and helped the sprawled Meridian to hers.
"Ah," She blinked quickly, looking at Harry. "It seems… it seems… it seems I've gone and gotten your spectacles fractured."
"What?" Harry stared back at her freckly face.
"It's your spectacles." She repeated, accidentally dropping her suitcase on Neville's passing feet. "That is to say, your glasses are broken! So sorry, Harry."
Harry smiled nervously as the suitcase toppled to its side, burst open, and sent Medina's clumsily packed items flying everywhere. "It's okay, really. I've got a friend who's good at this kind of thing." He took the opportunity to escape from Medina, and rejoin Ron. "Speaking of which, have you seen Hermione?"
Ron glanced around. The group was numbered in the hundreds, since every student in the school was there. "She must be around somewhere. I'm guessing she took the next portkey after ours."
"So she should be close," Harry wished he were a little taller, as he tried to get a glimpse of his missing friend. "Hermione? Hermione!"
"Yes?" Came a slightly annoyed voice from the crowd.
"Hermione!" Ron called, we're over here!"
She appeared from a clot of Ravenclaws, twirling her hair idly. "What do you want?"
"It's just my glasses again," Harry explained, removing them from his face. "Had a bit of an accident."
She looked at them and continued to twirl her hair. "And?"
Harry fumbled. "Er… I figured you might fix them for me again?"
"Harry Potter," Hermione shook her head. "How many times have I done that for you already? Shouldn't you take the time to memorize the spell, instead of wasting mine all the time?"
"Er…" Harry replaced the broken glasses.
"What is the matter with you today?" Ron said disapprovingly. "You're acting like… Pansy!"
Hermione seemed shocked back to normality. Her fingers abandoned her hair, and her face looked blank. "I'm… I'm sorry." She snatched Harry's glasses. "Don't know what got into me. Of course I'll fix them!"
Hermione could hardly hear herself speak the repairing incantation when Medina tripped again, causing an embarrassed pile of first years to topple over her.
Hermione: (amused) Yes, she's much improved. Bravo, Ron.
Ron: Thanks! Doesn't look like a Mary Sue anymore!
Hermione: Yes. Really, good job. But what was that business about muggle-born helping out the magic-born?
Ron: Oh, that was just a little brilliant idea of mine! Who better than the muggle-born to give practical advise about the homework packages?
Hermione: What homework packages? Why are you making up plot devises without consulting me?
Ron: It's all right! I think you'll like this:
"I still think it's unfair," Harry grinned thankfully as he accepted his renewed glasses. "That the first, second, and third years get to go to an amusement park for their assignment."
Ron looked like he agreed. "Honestly! They've been bragging about the Colossus Cruiser ever since they found out!"
"Colossus Cruiser?" Hermione said.
"Oh, it's this roller coaster. Supposed to be a real thrill ride!"
Hermione looked unimpressed. "Is that all? In that case, I think we got the good assignment. I'm looking forward to doing our in-depth research! I hope I get to do muggle economics!"
"Economics?" Harry laughed. "Well, I hope I get to do something a little more interesting. Maybe muggle vehicles?"
"Who cares what subject you got if you have Medina Meridian as your study partner?" Ron piped in.
"Well we wouldn't," Hermione lectured. "Harry and I count as muggle-born, so we'll get partners from wizarding families."
"For once, I'll be the expert!" Harry exclaimed. "I spent eleven whole years living in the muggle world, so this assignment won't be too bad. Still not as good as the theme park, though."
"All righ,' here's where we split up," Hagrid announced, his booming voice drowning out all of the students' conversations. "Third years an' below go on with Professor Sprout, now, an' the res' come with me."
Ron scowled as the younger kids trotted off with Professor Sprout. He could have sworn they all just screamed, "Colossus Cruiser, here we come!"
Hermione: So who's going to get Medina as a partner then?
Ron: Parvati. I'm just shoving her off to the sideline. Too much time in the spotlight, and she could still turn into a strange breed of Mary Sue.
Hermione: That's probably wise. I think I see where you're going with this now, so let me give it a turn:
"Now I jus' want ter make sure tha' everyone knows the plan," Hagrid spoke after Professor Sprout's group had left. "We're all stayin' in a muggle inn, but the rooms are enchanted, so there'll be enough room fer everybody." He leered at a few boys who weren't paying attention. "I don' want ter see anybody accidentally letting on who we are, or why we're here. You got that?"
A chorus of, "Yes, Hagrid," resounded and they continued marching on to the hotel.
To everyone's delight, (except perhaps for the inn's manager, who was very confused), there was plenty of room for everybody, even though they only rented five rooms. One for each house of students, and one for Hagrid, whose suite doubled as a common meeting room. They were directed to unpack their things into their temporary living spaces (which looked mysteriously like their dorms back at Hogwarts), and then to meet in the common suite for their homework.
"Well," Harry said as he unpacked some sweaters that would help him look 'less magical' than his school robes "I suppose the sooner we get this assignment over with, the sooner we can enjoy this trip as a sort of holiday."
"Hey, Harry?" Ron wondered. "Do you think they'd let us go ride the Colossus Cruiser if we get done in time? And had enough muggle money, of course."
Harry shrugged. "Well if anybody would let us, it'd be Hagrid. Let's go ask him!"
They proceeded to Hagrid's suite, careful not to let any muggles see how impossibly large the interiors of their rooms looked. There were already many students crowding their way down the halls.
"Ah, there ya are!" Hagrid welcomed them. "Jus' startin' to assign partners fer the assignments."
"Hey, Hagrid?" Ron looked hopeful. "When we're done with our work, could me and Harry go to the theme park?"
"Don' see why not, so long as ya keep outta trouble. Be a good experience, prolly." He replied.
"Yes!" Ron shouted.
"Glad yer so enthusiastic, Ron," Hagrid's eyes shone. "Maybe you'd like ter be the first to pick a partner outta the hat then? Yer father suggested we do this in muggle fashion." He held up a large brown top hat. "Pieces of paper with the students' names written on 'em. Jus' reach in ter see who ya get!"
Ron shrugged, silently prayed, and reached into the hat. He held up the paper he retrieved anxiously, cringing as Medina Meridian knocked over a huge punch bowl.
"Thank goodness," Ron exhaled. "I got you, Harry!"
Harry looked at the paper with interest. There was a small illustration of him (glasses, scar, and all) winking on it. The cartoon Harry continued by pointing at himself and a small message bubble appeared over his head, "You got me! We're partners!" It read.
"Lucky!" Ron sighed. "For a minute there I was almost sure I'd be stuck with…"
In an effort to clean up the spilled punch with the tablecloth, Medina had managed to get some girls tangled in her mess. They all suddenly fell with a thud, struggling to escape the sopping tablecloth.
Harry frowned. "I don't think it's really her fault, Ron. Can't help it if you're born clumsy."
"Can't help it if you're born unlucky, either, can you?" Parvati approached, tears in her eyes. "I'm stuck with her!" She flashed her slip of paper, with a figure of Meridian leaping for joy and falling over on it. A message bubble over her head appeared with the word 'oops' in it.
Hermione had arrived with Parvati. "Don't be too harsh, Parvati. I've heard it's a tad easy to hurt her feelings."
"We'll just see who hurts whom in the end!" Parvati wailed as she witnessed her new partner pulling over the entire table with a crash, onto Pansy's head.
"Who hasn't gotta partner, now?" Hagrid called out, offering the hat of names. "Miss Parkinson? Come pick out yer assistant!"
Pansy, holding a hand to her throbbing head, approached the hat with dislike, clearly not too keen on taking her chances with a list full of mundane-born.
"Come on there," Hagrid shook the hat at her. "None of 'em bite!"
She wrinkled up her nose, and thrust her entire arm into the hat, shuffling the choices around before surfacing with one. "Finch-Fletchley," she read, looking relieved.
"Keep 'em comin'!" Hagrid beckoned the un-partnered lot, beaming at those who'd already claimed their papers from the hat, examining the enchanted drawings on them.
"It's really a striking resemblance," Parvati nodded blandly. Medina was leaning over her shoulder excitedly, pointing at the illustration as it took another fall, declaring 'oops,' in its speech bubble.
"It's me, it's me!" Medina squealed, getting a little too enthusiastic with her pointing, and accidentally slapping Ron in the face.
"Watch it!" Ron backed away from her, seriously frightened.
"Oh," She blinked rapidly, snatching the sleeve of Ron's sweater. "Your cheek… your cheek… your cheek is going all scarlet! So sorry, Ron, didn't mean it!"
Ron gave Parvati a look that clearly said 'good luck.'
"Don't be upset, Medina," Hermione retrieved her wand from the muggle-like coat she was wearing. "I have a spell to take away the sting of something like a… slap. No harm done." She raised the wand over her head and began the incantation, but when her hand fell, the wand wasn't in it.
Harry was already bristling at something behind her. "Give Hermione's wand back!"
Ron: Great! This is the moment I was waiting for!
Hermione: I thought you didn't like this facet of the story?
Ron: Not especially, but I've got something I want to do:
The amazing Ron Weasley picked up Hermione by the shoulders and moved her over a few feet, and then floored Malfoy, who was the one standing behind her and had stolen her wand, of course. He bent over, reclaimed the wand, and offered it to his friend.
"I believe this is yours?"
Hermione: (miserable) Why did you do that?
Ron: (shrugs) I haven't gotten to do anything neat for a while!
Hermione: Why does something 'neat' always seem to involve breaking rules in front of gigantic crowds of people!?
Ron: Oh come on! You've decked Malfoy before in real life!
Hermione: (sighs very loudly) Oh all right, but I expect you to fix this so the story can go on.
Ron: (gallantly) My pleasure:
Crabbe and Goyle had been momentarily removed from Draco while they were trying desperately to match the pictures on their slips of paper with someone in the crowd. The crunching sound and shocked gasps awoke their attention, however, and they rushed to the scene.
"The bodyguards have arrived," Parvati snorted, folding her arms.
"Oh, get off!" Malfoy hissed, shaking his two 'friends' off. That was probably a smart thing to do, since they seemed too dim to figure out how to help him to his feet. "Go…" He wiped some blood from under his nose; Ron was sooo strong, after all. "Go find your stupid mudblood liabilities, already!"
"And the bodyguards have left the building," Parvati commentated.
"You'd better go, too." Harry looked dead serious. "And maybe you should apologize to Hermione, while you're at it."
Upright again, Draco gave him a withering glare. "As much as I'd like to exit company with the 'dream team'," He turned to Hermione. "I have to ask you what you're going to do about this!"
Hermione gripped her wand tightly as she leaned forward to see the piece of paper that Malfoy was shaking at her. Her angry expression melted as she focused on the portrait on it. "Uh…" She said stupidly.
"What is it?" Harry said sharply.
"Well?!" Malfoy demanded. "What are you going to do, then? Stand there all day with your mouth open like Potter playing Quidditch?"
Hermione recovered a bit of dignity. "I will not help you with any project!" She punctuated every other word by slamming her wand against her palm. "I think you should go make a trade."
"He got you!?" Ron stammered. "Want me to slug him again?"
"No," Hermione said quickly. "This can be fixed." She said, clearly unnerved. "Go trade with someone."
Malfoy looked reluctant to agree. "I guess it's the only thing to do no matter how stupid the idea is. Seriously Granger, I wonder how you get such good grades with a slow mind like that." He raised a blonde eyebrow. "Maybe there's more to your staying after classes than having some questions answered, hm?"
"What do you mean?" Harry said.
"You had your chance to avoid this kind of filth, Potter," Draco continued. "I hate to be the one to tell you, but Granger is dirty in more ways than one."
Ron responded by-
Hermione: Do not punch him again!
Ron: Why not? Do you hear what he just said about you?
Hermione: (disbelievingly) You wrote it!
Ron: Er… well, then let me finish!
Hermione: No, you're going too far. It's my turn anyway:
Ron responded by stepping out of the way as Hermione floored Malfoy again. "Nobody talks about me like that!"
Ron: Hm. Not bad for a girl. I just want you to know that I weakened him, first.
Hermione: Uh-huh, my hero. Now allow me to seal their fates:
Harry and his friends moved away from the scene, whistling innocently.
"Funny how Hagrid didn't notice any of that," Hermione tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.
"He's too obsessed with that ruddy hat my dad came up with." Ron shook his head. "I don't think he'd notice if You-Know-Who himself Apparated in here."
Harry looked upset. "I hope you get somebody better, Hermione. It'd be a real shame if you were forced into helping the Slytherins get a good grade on this assignment."
Hermione snapped. "Oh, stop being so selfish, Harry. You're just disappointed that I might not help those pathetic Gryffindors this time."
"From one pathetic Gryffindor to another," Ron scowled at her. "I think Harry was trying to be sympathetic."
She clamped a hand over her mouth. "I don't know why I said that! I'm sorry, Harry, I take it back!"
"Are you… tired or something?" Harry still looked a tad hurt. "That's the third time today you've acted all… well… different."
Hermione nodded. "I'll try a few detecting spells on myself tonight… you know, see if I've picked up some strange magical effect in one of my classes."
"Is that possible?" Ron didn't like the sound of that. "Do you think Snape may have slipped you something?"
She pursed her lips. "Please don't jump to conclusions, it might just be a bad mood on my part."
"Granger!?" Malfoy had returned.
"What do you want now?" Ron asked threateningly.
"Brilliant, just brilliant," This time, Malfoy shoved the piece of paper roughly into Hermione's hand. "Just look how worthless you and your ideas are!"
She eyed the smiling drawing of herself for the second time. "This is the same paper! Couldn't you find anybody to trade with!?"
"Again with the brilliant observations!" Draco roared. "I did trade, Granger. I was even willing to take that walking disaster Meridian before you!"
"So you traded with Parvati," Harry said.
"As soon as we switched, the drawings changed, too." He pointed at the Hermione picture, whose speech bubble was saying 'you're doing it all wrong!' "I can't believe I'm stuck with you!"
Hermione's eyes were ablaze. "I refuse to work with you!"
"I'm not taking a failing grade because of you!"
"Then you'll have to figure it all out yourself!"
"I don't know the first thing about those ridiculous muggles!"
Hermione sniffled. "Then it looks like you are going to fail."
Malfoy rose his pointer finger face level, as though he were about to shoot her in the forehead with an invisible gun. "I'll tell that great lump, Hagrid, and he'll make you do it."
"He would never listen to you."
"Are you really going to force me to use my last resort?"
"What's that?" Hermione tried to look indifferent, but she gulped all the same.
Draco seemed to be scrutinizing her up and down. "Don't you miss your old walrus tusks?" He pointed at her mouth. "Everybody knows those aren't your real teeth. You're still 'Granger the Saber-toothed' to everybody, and you're certainly not fooling anyone."
Hermione, Harry, and Ron glared in silence.
Pleased with their reaction, Malfoy continued. "Same goes for your hair." He pulled on some of her hair again, but forgot to react as though he'd touched something vile. "I could put that back to the way it was, too."
"Stop threatening her!" Harry interrupted.
"Oh, shut up, Potter." Malfoy spat.
To her shame, Hermione found herself speaking the same words. "Shut up, Potter!" She slammed both hands over her mouth again. "Harry, I swear I'm not trying to do that!" Her eyes brimmed with tears. "What's wrong with me?"
Ron: Can I slug him now?
Hermione: No, you can't! You're mystified right now.
Ron: I'm not mystified! You're in distress, and I should take action!
Hermione: There's been enough action to last the whole fic already, thanks to you.
Unoriginality: Hi, I'm back!
Ron & Hermione: (groan)
Unoriginality: I thought I'd see how your progress is coming… you know… help you out if you need it.
Ron: We don't need your help!
Unoriginality: (huffy) Funny, you've used all my suggestions so far.
Hermione: Just go for it then… I could use a new lesson topic anyway.
Unoriginality: (excited) I knew you needed me:
Soo Hary exepted Hermonee's apogoly, and thay relyzed there amazing luv for eech uther, and gotted married, and livvd happy evr aftur. The end.
Ron: (bored) Oh really?
Hermione: Really, Miss Unoriginality, in a strange sort of way, you're a great source of inspiration. Which leads me to my next point:
Elly: Hi, all! The next update will focus on fics living up to their potential, rather than drifting away into incomplete status never to be seen again. Thanks for your support!