Lesson 7: Be Kind (Do Not Step On The Characters)
Hermione: Okay, sprouting authors! You've probably all had some practice writing disclaimers at the top of your shiny fics, right? What do these disclaimers say? (yells sharply) Ron!?
Ron: (yelps) What?
Hermione: What do disclaimers say?
Ron: Uh… please don't sue me?
Hermione: NO! Well… kinda. But actually, they point out to the reading public that they do not own the material of which they are writing. Case in point, they don't own the characters. Although I suppose you can do any fool thing you want in fanfiction, if you want to be successful, I suggest you respect this fact and don't do ridiculous things with other people's creative property.
Ron: In other words, don't run Harry over with a bus just for kicks…
Hermione: Don't get me wrong. If you're hell bent on killing somebody off, then by all means, do it. It's my opinion that you should put some thought into said death scene and let them bite it with dignity, though.
Ron: (gulps) Are we going to have to give them an example?
Hermione: Hm… not yet. Just something for the authors to think about.
Ron: In that case, I'm going to fix this:
Harry shook Ron violently. "What's the matter!?"
"Huh?" Ron shook his head groggily. "What happened?"
"All of a sudden you were just standing there with your mouth open!"
"Oh." Ron looked at the passing cars on the street, which sparked a memory. "Oh yeah! I think I just had a vision!"
"What kind of a vision?"
"First… you got hit by a bus!"
Harry blinked. "This 'vision' reminds me of Trelawny's classes already."
"And then we were all at your funeral, sorry to say. Then for some reason I was married to that stupid Medina and we had like a billion kids…" He stopped for effect. "But… that turned out to be a vision within my vision, because in the end it was Hermione that I had the kids with and we were making out on your grave! Bonkers, really…"
Harry trudged along the London sidewalk slowly, deciding whether to take deep offense at this 'vision' or not. "You were doing what on my grave?"
"Oh, you know. Snogging. Don't get mad, it wasn't real!"
Harry was just about to point out a dozen concerns he had with the little daydream but was interrupted when Ron shot his arms around him. A double-decker bus sped onto the sidewalk drunkenly, missing Harry by an uncomfortable twelve inches.
The two students watched it drive away, staring stupidly.
"Was the bus in your vision," Harry breathed. "A double-decker, driving up the sidewalk?"
"Yeah…" Ron admitted, releasing Harry shakily.
"Better pick out a ring, then." Harry smiled weakly.
Ron backed away from the rest of the traffic. "What are you talking about?"
"Because you just predicted the future, and unless you go out of your way to prevent it, you just might be marrying Meridian or Hermione soon."
Ron glared at him venomously.
"Don't look at me like that! I didn't have the vision!" Harry started leading a safer way back to the hotel. "But if you don't mind, could you refrain from behaving indecently on my grave… just in case?"
Hermione: Well, I admit that clears up Miss Unoriginality's mess, but where did all that… snogging come from?
Ron: (shrugs) Unoriginality started it! But it was my vision, so it can be whatever I want it to be, right?
Hermione: No it can't! That's what this lesson is all about! You just abused the Hermione character!
Ron: (tries not to laugh) She wasn't complaining at the time. In fact, she seemed to be enjoying herself!
Hermione: (turning blue) No she wasn't! She uh… she hated it!
Ron: You're wrong. I'll prove it:
Vision flashback: Harry's grave. A sad, lonely scene with that cliché stray wind blowing autumn leaves across an inscription that reads: 'The Boy Who Lived… Hey Wait A Minute!' Yes, a perfectly solemn moment indeed.
Until of course the newly wed Weasleys showed up and Hermione started perfectly well enjoying-
Hermione: If you value your nose, I wouldn't finish that flashback.
Ron: It's just a joke you know!
Hermione: It's not funny! It goes against every principle I've been trying to teach today!
Unoriginality: I like it.
Ron & Hermione: (shout) What are you still doing here?!?
Unoriginality: Geeze, get a grip. (departs)
Ron: Where were we? Oh yeah. What difference does it make, seeing as it's just a flashback of a vision in a fanfic? It's removed three times from reality when you look at it that way.
Hermione: (fuming) It makes a difference because I don't like it!
Ron: We just went over this, and you clearly do:
"Hey!" Said Ron, fending off a frantically affectionate Hermione so he could read Harry's gravestone. "The boy who lived… well, until that bus, anyway."
"Ron, come on!" Hermione tugged on his arm. "You're not giving me any attention, and I very plainly enjoy it when you do!"
Hermione: (calm expression)
Ron: Uh oh… er… it was only a joke! I was just messing with you, you know?
Hermione: (serene expression)
Ron: Well… say something!
Hermione: (detached expression)
Ron: Awh, don't give me the silent treatment…
Hermione: I'm going to do much worse than that, Ronald Weasley.
Ron: Like what?
Hermione: Kill you.
Ron: (laughs meekly) Very funny.
Hermione: Consider yourself a marked man. I'll see to it that it's very painful and slow. And believe me, I'll keep my word.
Ron: (bemused) We both know you wouldn't kill me, Hermione…
Hermione: I wouldn't be so sure. Turns out I'm full of surprises:
"So how do you suggest we get a hold of some money, Harry?" Ron asked, taking a few cautious steps backwards any time a car drove by. "I mean… there's no possible chance we might ask your uncle…"
"No." Harry said simply. "I think we'd probably ending up owing money if we mentioned the theme park in front of him. This is the hotel, isn't it?"
"Oh yeah."
The students cruised indoors gratefully; relieved to be out of the path of the less than healthy traffic they had been experiencing.
"Hey, maybe one of the other kids' wallets isn't empty yet?" Ron suggested they head for the meeting area.
"Or maybe one of them has an allowance like Dudley." Harry agreed, making his way up the stairs and through the halls searching for room number 404.
In the end, room 404 stood rather conspicuously, emitting the noise from a crowd of people that couldn't have reasonably fit into the suite within. The interior was just as mind-boggling. There was a cluster of students strewn about within, discussing difficult assignment questions, comparing notes, writing homework, or just relaxing.
"Okay!" Ron responded to the success of finding so many students by clapping his hands. "Who do you think wants to give us money?"
"Good question." Harry scanned the room without feeling very hopeful. "There's Hermione anyway…" His jaw dropped mid-sentence.
"Where?" Ron followed Harry's spellbound gaze. "What!?" He responded with the same confounded expression. "That's gotta be somebody else!"
It was an unfounded hope. Hermione was seated on an ugly purple colored couch across the room, wand held casually in one hand. The disturbing aspect of this scene was the unusually near proximity of Draco Malfoy, his arm slung behind her shoulder possessively.
"I don't get it." Harry's words came out more like a question.
Ron's response wasn't nearly so neutral.
Ron: Ooo, I foresee violence! Can I write it?
Hermione: Only if there are no explosions or fist fights.
Ron: What about a little explosion and a thumb war?
Hermione: I don't think so. I'm saving the rest of the explosions for Medina. Even the little ones.
Ron: Shucks:
"I'm going to kill him!" Ron snarled.
Hermione: No. No killing.
Ron: Darn:
"I'm going to wallop him!"
Hermione: No walloping.
Ron: You're making this really hard:
"I'm going to… to… talk to that jerk in a really angry way!"
Ron: That better?
Hermione: (amused) I think I'll allow it.
Ron: Hmph:
"Me too!" Harry decided. "But… um… talking?"
Ron shrugged. "It's going to be really mean talking."
They both marched over to the ugly, purple couch determinedly. Hermione and Draco looked up, seeming pleased with their arrival. Ron halted suddenly before them and raised a pointer finger, red-faced. "…"
Ron: Quick, what's something really mean to say?
Hermione: It's your turn to write. Coming up with clever phrases is part of the job.
Ron: Okay:
The moment lasted for a moment. Ron stood, wavering between a slew of challenges, and the unlikely couple on the couch waiting impatiently for somebody to say something.
Finally settling on some words, Ron spoke. "Let her go, you dork!"
Hermione: (cracking up) You dork?
Ron: (sullen) I couldn't come up with anything…
Hermione: It's not very quotable, is it?
Ron: It was either that or 'idiot.'
Hermione: Hmmm. Well there is always the editing process. Maybe we'll catch it then?
Ron: This writing stuff is hard sometimes:
Malfoy waited a moment to let Harry and Ron begin to feel unsure about the situation. "Why?"
"We're not going to stand for you threatening her all the time." Harry said firmly. "Just leave her alone already!"
"Yeah, you dork!" Ron agreed. "Come on, Hermione, you can out-cast this dork."
Hermione looked irritated. "Well of course. How would I ever have thought of that without your enlightenment?" She stressed the last word sarcastically and flicked her wand to demonstrate the fact that she was armed.
Harry began to feel very unsure. "We can get Hagrid…"
Hermione rolled her eyes and turned to Malfoy. "Do you think they're under the impression that I want to move?"
"Don't try to second-guess fools like them." He responded snidely.
"Of course." Hermione smiled self-consciously and continued to stare at Malfoy with quiet approval.
"Hermione," Ron was losing his momentum. "It's alright. We're here now. Whatever the dork's threatening you with, we can help!"
Draco looked confident, patting the back of Hermione's head somewhat degradingly. "I'm not threatening her. It just turns out that even she has some uses I hadn't noticed before, and I'm going to keep her around for now."
"Uses!?" Ron jumped. "What kind of uses are you talking about, you dork?"
"Whatever kinds I want, it seems." Malfoy squeezed Hermione a few times. "Right?"
She seemed delighted by the statement. "Yes!"
Ron: That's it. If you're going through with this, it's up to you.
Hermione: (smirking) Wonder why you're acting all cowardly now, after some of the other things you've put in this fanfic:
"You see, we're getting along quite well." Malfoy said obnoxiously. He was going to continue speaking to get the most painful result out of Harry and Ron but was interrupted by Hermione's response.
"You're so cute when you're tormenting people!" She exclaimed, dropping her wand carelessly to throw her arms around his neck and kiss him.
Harry's eyes grew wide behind his glasses. Hermione had accomplished Malfoy's intent by shocking the Boy Who Lived into stunned silence. He blinked after a bit, noticing Ron's incensed reaction beside him. The redhead was near to shaking with fury.
"Ick!" Malfoy fought Hermione off, looking repulsed. "Don't ever do that!"
Hermione seemed obsessed. "I can't help it! I wish these Gryffindor losers would get lost so we could just be alone, you know?"
"Knock that off!" Draco said. "The last thing I want is some disgusting half-breed slobbering on me like that."
Ron considered the use of many forms of violent recourse, but remembered the crowd they were in. "Well if you don't want her, we'd like to have her back. Now, you dork!"
Ron: Woohoo! I knew there wasn't a romance in this fic!
Hermione: Huh? What do you mean by that?
Ron: Well, you're just under some fouled up spell, and Malfoy still hates the sight of you, so all is right with the world.
Hermione: (rereads the last few pages) Oh… you're right. (looks frustrated) So does that mean I've failed to create a pairing at all!?
Ron: Oh well, too bad. Just change it and have Viktor show up and beat the living crud out of Malfoy and everything will be peachy.
Hermione: No… no, that's not the solution. I've seen this pairing pulled off before. (becomes introspective) Where did I go wrong?
Ron: (shrugs) I guess you just took the copywrite thing too seriously and didn't take enough creative license. I've been telling you we didn't have enough explosions.
Hermione: Creative license… creative license… You've completely got something there! Of course! This is a fanfic!
Ron: (encouraged) Yeah! Boom, boom, boom, kaplooie, zappo! What do you want to blow up first?
Hermione: (distracted) But… if I'm not going to use my original outline… I'm not sure how to do this…
Ron: What, blow stuff up? It's easy!
Hermione: I'm not talking about that! I'm talking about this pairing but I'm not an expert on just making things up as I go. Hey, why don't you do it?
Ron: (harrumphs) I've washed my hands clean of that part of the story, but do call me if you need something demolished.
Hermione: Well if you won't do it, and I can't, then who…
Ron: (thinks) We need somebody who can improvise…
Ron & Hermione: (look at each other with realization)
Hermione: Wow… I never thought it would come to this. (cups hands to mouth) Miss Unoriginality, where are you!?