Hermione: Today's lesson revolves around one of the most common ailments of working authors today. Namely, the frustrating occurrence of becoming stuck with your writing, and not knowing where to turn. When faced with this situation, a writer must actively do something to move the process along.
Ron: For example, Elly got stuck while writing the ending of her Lord of the Rings fic and started focusing on this project to try to get things moving again.
Hermione: It worked. The Rings fic was completed and is posted on the Net and everything. Ironic thing is, now we got stuck in this one.
Ron: But there's hope!
Hermione: Right. You can follow in Elly's less than epic footsteps and chase a plot bunny around the block until you get your senses back for the original project, but that may lead to complete distraction and you run the risk of falling in love with the plot bunny, never to return to the first fic again.
Ron: (worried) What's a plot bunny, and why would you fall in love with it?
Hermione: Oh, get with the lingo! A plot bunny is one of those nagging story ideas that you haven't bothered to write down yet. The problem is, they tend to make authors get carried away with them.
Ron: Oh. Case in point, this fic amasses more wordage than the Rings fic that spawned it.
Hermione: Exactly. Anyway, I am going to suggest an alternative to running with a plot bunny and that is called a brainstorm.
Ron: Like one of those soggy things that keep you from going outdoors?
Hermione: Not funny. A brainstorm is the process of accumulating as many ideas as possible. Write them down as you think of them whether they seem workable or not. Focus on quantity and variety, not quality.
Ron: (snickers) And now may I introduce our personal spokeswoman for quantity and variety, though rarely quality, an authoress who could never tell the difference between a plot and a stream of consciousness, Miss Unoriginality!
Unoriginality: (bows) Thank you. I feel so loved.
Hermione: So here's the plan, Unoriginality. We need you to share any ideas you might have about getting the pairing in this fic back on track. It just isn't working the way it is. There isn't any… chemistry between our couple…
Unoriginality: That's because you're not letting Malfoy like Hermione.
Ron: That's called keeping a character in character…
Hermione: No Ron, don't interrupt her. We need her to just go with the brainstorm. Please continue.
Unoriginality: You only have to find one thing the couple likes about being together, and you're set! You see examples of that in fanfics all the time!
Hermione: I see… I never even established an initial comfort zone despite all my carefully laid out charts. I have to blame this on my inexperience with writing romance. So… what should the one thing be?
Ron: How about their ecstasy at getting as far away as possible from one another?
Hermione: Ron, try to be open-minded. Tell us more.
Unoriginality: Sure. They're probably going to just get used to being around each other, so when the spell wears off you need some reason why they dislike each other less than before. Maybe the common interest of not getting caught by the Ministry for doing illegal magic?
Hermione: Oh pay attention, the real brainstorm is heating up!
Unoriginality: Maybe some kind of mutual respect for magic proficiency? Maybe Malfoy could realize that Hermione is more intelligent company than he's used to, and be a little nicer because of it? Maybe you could invent some kind of crisis, and the only way to get out of it is to let the spell wear off and work together?
Hermione: (shocked) Miss Unoriginality… I'm really impressed that you came up with all that!
Unoriginality: Thanks! I saved the best for last, though. What you should really do is have them find out what a great kisser the other is, get them to set a date, and describe the marriage in all its pristine glory! (gets stars in her eyes)
Ron: I know you're not supposed to rule any ideas out during a brainstorm, but that one has got to be flushed.
Hermione: Not really. I think I can use all of that to move this fic along.
Unoriginality: (proud) What would you guys do without me?
Ron: Well, we wouldn't have gotten in touch with our unoriginal sides, that's for sure. Who knew madness had a practical application?
Hermione: Let's make progress:
"No, I'll keep her around, thanks." Malfoy responded to Ron's request irritably. "Which means you can go away now!"
Ron smashed a fist into his palm, but made a rare, intelligent call and didn't start anything in front of the crowd. "We'll be back."
Harry frowned and retreated, a determined look on his face.
"Good job!" Hermione said when they were out of hearing range. "You're so commanding!"
Malfoy groaned. "Would you stop that? Your… compliments… are freaking me out."
"But you're the most intimidating student in our year!"
"Shut up."
"See? Just like that! You put fear into everybody's hearts! It's so incredible…"
"I said shut up! Damn, I think I like you better the other way."
Unoriginality: Oh, there you go.
Hermione: Yeah. I'm still not sure how to get him to let her go, though…
Ron: You sure wrote yourself into a corner, didn't you? I've been warning you all along! You didn't listen.
Hermione: We would have been in just as much trouble if I'd let you blow up everything you'd wanted to. This challenge is part of the process.
Unoriginality: When I get to a hard part, I just skip it and hope nobody notices…
Hermione: Uh… okay. We're not going to do that, though. We're going to work through this.
Unoriginality: (shrugs) Suit yourself, but this fic is so long… I'd have ended it by now.
Ron: I'm not surprised:
"No Harry, there's something magical going on! It's a curse, or some kind of poison. We need to investigate." Ron paced across the Gryffindor room. He had his wand tucked under one arm and an expression that indicated he was ready to use it.
"Something happened while they were working on that project." Harry nodded. "We need to retrace their steps or something."
Ron looked pleased. "That's the ticket."
"We'll start by asking Hagrid." Harry said reasonably. "Let's go."
Reentering the common suite was an uncomfortable affair. Ron refused to do anything but glare at the occupants of the ugly purple couch, despite the fact that this stubborn viewpoint was causing him to bump into things as he walked through the room. Harry adopted a different strategy and tried not to look at all, but that resulted in a few collisions as well. This display attracted laughs from a lot of the students, and a duo of confounded expressions from the ugly purple couch.
"That didn't go so well." Harry pushed his glasses up his nose self-consciously. He knocked on Hagrid's door hard, impatient to get out of sight of the rest of the room.
After a delayed rustling from the other side of the door and some kind of great thudding noise, Hogwart's resident giant opened the door for the two. "Oh! What're you two needin'?"
"We need to consult." Harry said pushily, practically forcing himself into the room. "Close the door, Ron."
After one last particularly poisonous glance at the ugly, purple couch, Ron complied and slammed the door shut behind them.
"What's this all about?" Hagrid said almost as if he was impatient to get back to something they had interrupted.
"Where did Hermione and Malfoy go for their report?" Harry asked intently. "Something… happened!"
"Something bad." Ron elaborated.
"Yeah, something rotten!" Harry concluded.
Hagrid scratched his large head sluggishly. "Those two? Well… let's see…" He turned to a stack of what must have been the few projects already completed. "They had the drug store! Looks like a good job on the homework…"
"A drug store!" Ron shouted. "That explains it! There must have been some kind of wicked potion for sale and Hermione found herself on the receiving end… dastardly!"
Harry blinked. "It's a good theory, but muggle drug stores don't carry wicked potions. It must have been something else. What else is there, Hagrid?"
Hagrid shrugged. "I don't know what ter tell ya… they jus' turned this work and camera in, an' that's all I know."
"Camera?"
"'Parently, it was a part of the assignment."
Harry held out his hands. "Can we have that? Maybe if we get the film developed, we can figure all of this out!"
"But it's part of the assignment and grade! What's this big problem, anyhow?"
The students glanced at each other gloomily. When it came down to it, their dilemma was difficult to put into words.
"Well," Harry said mournfully. "You see… Hermione and Malfoy are… getting along or something!"
"The horror!" Ron added.
"It's unnatural!" Harry intoned persuasively.
"And disgusting!" Ron moaned.
"Dunno 'bout that." Hagrid shrugged again. "What's so bad about two people gettin' along, now?"
"What?" Harry stormed. "You don't understand. It's not just unlikely, it's impossible! Hagrid, I need to see that camera whether it's been turned in for a grade or not! Don't you trust us?"
Hagrid seemed to consider the plea before realizing that if he just handed the camera over the argument would be over. That seemed appealing to him for some reason. "Oh all righ', but don't let nobody know…"
Ron snatched the clue possessively. "Oh don't worry, we won't. This is just between us."
"Let's go." Harry cracked his knuckles decisively. "I noticed a one-hour photo developer on the same street the theatre's on."
Hermione: (delighted) Progress! You see, authors? If you just keep on at it, progress is inevitable!
Unoriginality: (scandalized) What exactly is on the film?
Ron: Uh… yeah? What is it?
Hermione: (intellectually) It's a mystery.
Unoriginality: Is it… scandalous? What kind of rating do you have on this fic, anyway?
Hermione: You people… This isn't that kind of fic! Besides, Elly has posted this as PG-13, so just you watch it!
Ron: So you're saying I could ruin everything by saying-
Hermione: (interrupts) No! No swearing! We want to keep this fic accessible and having a PG-13 rating is more conducive to that goal!
Unoriginality: (confused) I wasn't suggesting there were swear words on the film…
Hermione: I understand that, but my point is that there is no content like that in this fic! Got it?
Unoriginality: (sniffles)
Hermione: Seriously! You don't have to act disappointed! Let's keep this fic rolling in the right direction, shall we:
Another trek through the perils of the common room, several sidewalks, and a few near-misses by some distracted cabs later, Harry and Ron had deposited the film at the one-hour photo lab, and paid for its development with some coins Hagrid had spared them. He had been quick to part with the money and shove the students out the door, but that odd behavior wasn't on their minds at the moment.
"One hour, now." Ron practically scolded the lab's employee. "We're holding you to that, because we need this developed as soon as possible."
"Like it says on the door," The employee said blandly. "One hour."
"We're holding you to that!" Ron insisted. "If it even takes sixty-one minutes, I demand a refund!"
Harry frowned. "Well, having said that, we'll be back in an hour. Come on, Ron."
They exited the lab, somewhat sulky now that there was nothing to do but wait.
"Why were you giving that technician such a hard time?" Harry asked, keeping a keen eye on a stray bus that cruised past.
Ron shrugged. "Well, it's their policy. Everybody here seems so lazy, I figured they might not get the job done on time, and then we could get our money back."
"It's not even our money…"
"Yeah…" Ron shrugged again, looking especially sheepish. "But anything we can scrape together to get into that theme park is worth the haggling, right?"
"That again…" Harry sighed, picking a directionless path down London's streets. "Can't that wait until we've saved Hermione?"
"If we keep putting it off, then when will we find the time?"
"You're worried about time? We seem to have plenty of time on our hands at the moment."
This idea seemed enlightening to Ron, who promptly stopped the aimless wandering and arrested Harry's attention with a spark in his eyes. "Then why not now? We can't possibly do anything to help Hermione for another hour at least! That's plenty of time to sneak into the theme park, stand in line, ride the roller coaster, and get back here. It's brilliant, Harry! We should do it!"
"Sneak in? I don't know… maybe we should keep an eye out at the hotel?"
"Oh right… let's compare the two plans then." Ron put on a sarcastically deductive expression. "Stay at the hotel and watch an infuriating scene of magically influenced affection unfold on the ugliest purple couch this side of London… or take a golden opportunity to have a little fun on this otherwise frustrating day. Hm. I can see where you're having a hard time choosing, but I think one of those options ousts the other a bit now."
Harry made an effort to stop his eyes from spinning at that semi-rant. "Your option has 'bad idea' written all over it…"
"Never had a bad idea that didn't turn out to be at least a little fun. Are you coming, or what?"
Ron: I can't believe it… you actually decided to let them go to the theme park. You're not as whole-heartedly cruel as I thought!
Hermione: (harrumphs) This was my plan from the beginning. You just never bothered to study the plot pyramid!
Ron: Oh is that what was on that parchment? I threw that away ages ago.
Hermione: Ron! The entire plot's on that pyramid! I need it!
Unoriginality: You need it to write a fic?
Hermione: (distraught) Yes! I need to keep my ideas organized!
Unoriginality: I've never used anything like that…
Ron: Just loosen up, would you? Writing fanfiction doesn't need to be such a traumatizing experience.
Hermione: (wails) My plot pyramid!!
Elly: Next up, the infamous roller coaster we've all been waiting for! Some loose ends are going to suddenly start tying up as well so stay tuned. I promise a… 'prompter' update than the last one. --;; Don't be mad, all! I had a ca-ra-zy work/school schedule, and writer's block to boot. I promise to be better!