That was quite an impressive amount of reviews for a first chapter. That, mournfully, was not enough to heat the fondue, however, but the addition of the story to Godawful Fan Fiction got it scorching! Anybody can look at the criticism and remarks about the fic on that site from a link in a review. It is VERY entertaining. Some even seem think it's a serious story!

For those who think this fic is enhanced by illegal drugs, you are mistaken. It is merely caffeine. And fondue!

Chapter the Two: Where have all the children gooone?

Darth was playing pog on his new computer when an advertisement popped up in the middle of the screen.

"Are you alone?" the guy asked him through the screen.

Darth paused and looked around the room, then realized he was indeed alone. He was afraid of the dark and wanted his mommy and teddy bear Tedward Bartholomew II. The first Tedward Bartholomew fell in the toilet and drowned. It was a very traumatic experience from Darth's early thirties.

"Yes," he admitted to the guy in the screen.

"Are you looking for a mate?" the advertisement man questioned.

"No, I'm trying to beat my high score!" he said. He then realized that since he had been paying attention to the ad and not his game, he had sadly lost, only two points away from his high score of three.

"Are you looking for a mate now?" asked the man, holding his questioning expression for much longer than was necessary.

"Not really," Vader groused, upset that he had been foiled in his attempts to reach the allusive high score.

"Well you should!"

"Okay," he said.

Darth actually was still mourning the loss of Tedward Bartholomew and was not ready to move--

"You may think that you're not ready to move on, and you're probably right. But you should try anyway, cause then we'll earn money! So come to Come fast before all the good ones are gone and you're stuck with the rejects. Hurry! They're going! Go, you moron, go! Do you want to be single forever!" Then the ad shrunk into a little square and poofed away.

"I do NOT want to be single forever!" Darth snapped and typed into his browser in hopes of finding a mate.

He studied the little questionnaire he had to fill out first.

Name:

Date of birth:

Gender:

Sexuality:

Address:

Height:

Weight:

Cumulative GPA:

Interests:

Turn ons:

Turn offs:

Things you look for in a mate:

Favorite Soup:

Darth hesitated and wondered if he should give out all that information online. Then realized he really needed a mate and decided what the hell.

Name: Darth Vader or Anakin Skywalker but not anymore. Preferably Darth. Or DJ.

Date of Birth:

Darth counted on his fingers how old he was, then realized he didn't have enough fingers. He tried to remember the year he was born, but then recalled in The Galaxy Far Far Away they didn't use the same calendar as the people on Earth do. So he just guessed in days.

Date of Birth: A long, long time ago.

Gender:

Darth remembered that during his little showdown with Obi, his arms and legs weren't the only things cut off from his body. But he decided that didn't matter.

Gender: Guy.

Sexuality:

Darth pondered what the question meant.

Sexuality: ponders what the question means

Address: Space.

Darth decided to be a little more specific.

Address: Space, next to the Death Star.

Then he figured that he must have a more specific address when he thought of that time a few years ago when he ordered a pet rock online and was asked to give out his address, but really really mean guy told him he couldn't do that because then people would come looking for them and egg their house and whatnot. So he didn't give out the address and therefore didn't get his pet rock.

He was going to christen it Uni.

Height: Tall, maybe taller than you.

Weight: …110

"Because that's what they ALL put down," Darth thought smugly.

Cumulative GPA:

Vader didn't understand why they would want to know the total of grapefruit, peas, and artichokes he had consumed. It was a silly question and he wasn't going to answer.

Interests: pop tarts, pog, Tedward Bartholomew (both), being evil, killing people, stuff, magpies, packing peanuts, Alaska Airlines, donuts, crocheting, destroying all that is good and nice

Turn ons: the button that turns me on.

Turn offs: Same as above but the other way around.

Things you look for in a mate: pop tarts, pog, Tedward Bartholomew (both), being evil, killing people, stuff, magpies, packing peanuts, Alaska Airlines, donuts, crocheting, destroying all that is good and nice

Favorite soup: cream of mushroom (without mushrooms)

Darth read over all his answers, submitted the questionnaire, and waited for a response from some mates.

Fifteen days later, he was still sitting in front of his computer, waiting for a reply. Really really mean guy had wondered what he was doing, but not very much. Meaning not at all. He hadn't even noticed that Vader had been sitting in front of the computer, and on the one occasion where he had briefly seen into the room on his way to the attic to go perform a voodoo ceremony with hard-boiled eggs, he had merely assumed that Vader had died. That didn't explain why his phone line had been tied up, but he had no friends who would call anyway. So he didn't really care.

Darth hadn't slept in all of the fifteen days nor moved or blinked so his eyes were crusting over and a spider was spinning many a cobweb from his head to his shoulder while a chickidee had built a nest in his grill. Then a message popped up on the screen.

"ME!" Darth squealed, causing all the critters to fly off his body and splat against the wall.

"Squish," said their guts with vigor.

Lemonsgivemegas88: hi! u seem kewl! wanna chat w/ me?

This caught Darth by surprise. He didn't want to chat. He just wanted a mate.

Darthroxmysox1970: NOOOOOOOOOO!111 Go away and chat with someone else! I'm looking for a mate to rule the galaxy with me!

Lemonsgivemegas88: sounds kewl! ill do that

Darthroxmysox1970: …Really?

Lemonsgivemegas88: no

Lemonsgivemegas88: no

Lemonsgivemegas88: no

Lemonsgivemegas88: i like milk

Darthroxmysox1970: …How old are you?

Lemonsgivemegas88: 8.

Darthroxmysox1970: Ew. You're young enough to be my grandchild. Is your mom available?

Lemonsgivemegas88: just a sec. MOM! Some1 wants 2 talk 2 u!

Gerberbabyloser2: What?

Darthroxmysox1970: Uhm…wanna be my mate?

Gerberbabyloser2: Are you rich and powerful and sexy?

Darthroxmysox1970: Um. Yes.

Vader figured he had two of the three, and that was over half, so that was close. Or something. Right?

"Squish," said guts.

"I don't care what you think!" Vader yelled at the insolent guts.

Gerberbabyloser2: Okay. I guess I'll meet you in the red room, close the door and dim the lights. Lol just kidding

Darthroxmysox1970: …I don't get it. But I'll meet you at the My Boss is a Jewish Carpenter Café.

Gerberbabyloser2: All right. See you then.

Darthroxmysox1970: The end.

"Yey! I hooked myself up with a hot chick!" Darth exclaimed triumphantly before the potted plant he'd awoken from its slumber devoured him.

Nyeh.

Vader was very excited. He waxed his helmet with a floor buffer and made sure the light bulbs in the many buttons of his utility pack weren't burned out. He also took the bird nest out of the grill and freed the birds into the vast expanse of the open sky, only to have them run into the window because he had forgotten to open it.

"Squish," said guts.

Darth chose a nice clip-on bowtie and checked himself out in the little mirror in the bathroom.

"Lookin' good," he told his reflection.

In response, the mirror shattered.

"Bye, really really mean guy! I'm off for my hot date!" he yelled to the attic.

But really really mean guy was too distracted by his tea party and didn't absorb what he'd just heard.

"Okay, bye. Make good choices. Wear your seatbelt," he muttered after him. He finished pouring the tea and sat back and observed all his lifeless guests who were various stuffed animals including Tedward Bartholomew I, who he'd dug out of the sewage. "Okay," he told them. "Who wants to take their top off?"

Darth pushed his Onstar button and asked if he could get a ride to the My Boss is a Jewish Carpenter Café.

They said no, so he walked.

Since the journey was long and difficult, Vader made himself a hotpocket in the microwave on his utility pack. He smashed the cooked hotpocket into the grill on his helmet, getting tomato sauce and bits of cheese and chunks of 'meat' that were actually what is scrape off the bottom of the grease bins French fries are cooked in all over his helmet.

Finally, he saw the My Boss is a Jewish Carpenter Café come into view.

"Fi--" He was cut off by the Hubble Telescope smashing into him.

After scraping himself off, he entered the café and looked around for a hot babe that went by the name gerberbabyloser2.

"Is there a gerberbabyloser person here?" he mildly whined when he had looked around the room and seen many many many many… many people.

"I'm gerberbabyloser," said a deep voice to his left.

Looking that way, Vader was shocked to find a man twice as tall as him standing there. He opened his mouth in shock, but obviously this didn't show. He was wearing a helmet. Der.

"What do you want?"

"But-" Vader started dumbly. "But- they said "mom"!"

"That's my first name," said the really big dude.

Vader frowned. He was quite displeased.

"I am displeased," he said, and then cut the man in half with his light saber.

Nobody really cared that Vader had done this since the man had been standing in front of the TV with the basketball game on it and they had all been missing the high-paced action.

Pouting, Vader took a seat and ordered himself cocoa with extra chocolate and whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles on top and a chunk of cheese. He also asked for some cream of mushroom soup without the mushrooms.

He was sitting there eating his mushroom-less cream of mushroom soup when ANOTHER voice spoke to him. But this time it was from the right. Not the left. Like it had been with the dude. Who had been to his left.

"Are we there yet?" asked a whining little voice.

"Shut up," said another voice. "Are you Darth Vader?" this voice now asked him.

"Yes."

"Oh, I'm that hot chick you chatted with. You didn't tell me you were black."

Darth looked himself over and replied, "I can't change who I am."

The lady stared back.

"I have to poop," said the little kid at her side.

The lady in response zapped her with her heat ray and the kid exploded into ash.

"You didn't tell me you were a bitch," Darth said in dismay.

"Darth!" yelled another voice from above.

He looked up only to see really really mean guy leap from the ceiling and crush the hot lady with his giant beer belly. "You cannot be dating! You don't have time to court chicks! You have to control the universe! And you're not supposed to have emotions, you emotional pig fart!"

"I'm soary, Mr. Gollum," Darth Vader whined and sulked away with really really mean guy.

"You forgot to pay your check, dipshit!" the bartender yelled after him.

To that, Darth used the force to drop a boulder on the bartender.

"You're on your way kid," really really mean guy told him, patting him on the shoulder. "You're on your way."

And then he shoved him off the balcony.