Disclaimer: The series isn't mine. It belongs to J.K. Rowling and other related companies. Only the fic belongs to me.
The line "I know things are hard right now, but you can handle it, because I'll be here, by your side" that Hermione says comes from Miho Obana and her work Kodocha/Kodomo No Omocha (meaning Child's Toy).
Author's Note: This is the sequel (if you want to call it that) to Fractured, which I really did not intend on writing – but plot bunnies made that happen. You can thank the one and only Hema Malini for giving such a great dance performance of the Mahabharata that inspired me to write this fic.
In case you were wondering, yes, you have to read Fractured before reading this, otherwise this fic wouldn't make any sense to you; since this picks up immediately where Fractured left off, it might not make much, if any, sense to you at all. All right, enough of my nonsensical rambling!
This goes out to Romy, Christine, Kalie and Jennifer for being my supporters/encouragers/critics and telling me never to give up; this is my thank you to you all for being such great friends a girl could have.
And of course to my partner in evil – er, crime – the lovely Crystal, whom the poking part in the story is paying homage to. Love you darlin'! ;)
And thanks to Jennifer most of all for agreeing and taking the time to beta this on such short notice (you can blame that on me). You're the best.
- - -
"You know," Harry said after a while, as they sat by the lake under the sun and no one to disturb them, "being with Cho made me realize something. Even if you have someone with you, you still feel alone. Even if you have a lot of people all around you, you still feel lonely, like you're the only person in the universe who has nobody."
"You felt that way?" Hermione asked, bitterness creeping into her voice.
"Yeah." He said softly. "But then I realized, after breaking up with her, I had no reason to feel alone. Absolutely no reason. But still, I felt that way . . . as if no one was around me to catch me when I fell, to be my friend, to support me. I don't feel that way anymore, but it's hard not to think that sometimes at night." He smiled faintly. "What a prat I am, eh?"
"Not really, but sometimes you were," Hermione replied, and the both of them laughed.
"Okay, so I was," Harry said after their laughter had dissipated, "but that doesn't mean I still feel alone." He squeezed her hand. "So don't worry about that, Hermione – I don't feel alone anymore."
She gave him a look. "If you say so," she said slowly, "but there's one thing I've been wondering."
"Go on," he urged her, waiting impatiently and wondering what she wanted to ask him. Curiosity clung to him like a child never wanting to let go of his beloved blanket.
"Well, you see," she licked her lips, hoping that he would take this well and not stalk off in anger, "before I came here to see you, I saw Ron."
He stiffened slightly. "What about him?" He said tightly, trying to keep his composure, and somehow succeeding.
She looked at him, tilting her head to one side. "He looked angry . . and sullen. As if he had lost an argument."
"He did, in a way."
Her head shot up at that. "What?" She was incredulous.
"He did lose, in a way." Harry laughed bitterly. "But in a way, he also won."
Never in her life had Hermione been as confused as now. "What?" She was stunned. "What do you mean?"
He debated silently on whether to tell her or not. This is Hermione, for Merlin's sake – what am I so afraid of? Is it her reaction? Whether she'll be livid or not? All the insecurities he had pushed away before now started to resurface, agonizing him to no end. And why am I being so indecisive? There's no reason for me to be.
Finally he decided there was no use debating about it anymore – it would only show that he didn't trust her, which was not true – and knew that no matter what happened, Hermione would be more than happy that he told her, and trusted her. Just like she trusted him.
"The truth is," he breathed slowly, "he was mad at me for being so stubborn and daft when it came to you." He looked up at the sky, as if searching for some answer there, but never finding any.
The only intelligent thing that came out of her mouth was "Huh?"
He smiled to himself. "Ron was – probably still is – mad at me because I was too stubborn to admit that I – I had feelings for you, and wasn't going to do anything about it." He said in a rush.
She took this in slowly, pondering every bit. "That's why he was mad . . ." She said thoughtfully. Then she fixed her gaze on him. "You were too stubborn to admit it? Why, Harry?"
"I don't know . . maybe part of me was sure and scared that you would reject me, and that it was better for me not to face the truth," he said defensively, feeling his cheeks burn hotly with embarrassment. Now that he had said it, it sounded idiotic and naïve to him.
"That and . . . maybe I was scared that I would be alone again. Just like I've always been." He swallowed hard, not quite sure what he was doing, opening up and sharing everything he'd felt for the past fifteen years of his life with her like this. He felt exposed and readable, like an open book. He may had been talking to his best friend, but he wasn't sure how she would take this – especially when he hadn't told anyone about what he had felt before he came to Hogwarts.
"But –" she started to say impulsively, then stopped. "Why did you feel alone – you had people all around you, Harry. People who loved you, and still do. You have friends."
"That doesn't mean anything." He looked up at the ever smiling blue sky. "Just because you have friends doesn't mean that you won't be alone. All by yourself . . with no one to care about and no one to care about you.
"In the end, you're the only person left, and there never is anyone else with you, or around you.
"And anyway," he reflected, "there are people who only pretend to be your friend. Either they take advantage of you or want you to meet your doom. I may have friends, but only a few precious few actually care about me – not me, the hero, or my fame."
He laughed, a hollow sound echoing in the air. "I haven't been loved nearly all my life, so it's okay that I felt alone."
"That's not true!" She burst out suddenly, feeling a sharp pang in her heart at his words – his cruel, heartless words that dug deeply into her – so much that it hurt her, and filled her with a pain that surpassed all the pain there was in the world.
"People do care about you – me, Ron, his family, Professor Lupin, Hagrid – for Merlin's sake, even Sirius cared about you! So don't you ever feel that way, because you are loved." She was surprised at her outburst, but didn't regret saying it.
He scoffed. "It figures you wouldn't understand," he spat harshly, raising his eyes to the sky as a gesture of frustration. "You never felt alone in your entire life . . . you never were alone. All around you, Hermione, are people who love you dearly, and would go to the ends of the earth for you." He shook his head. "You're mixing yourself up with me."
"No, I'm not," She wanted to shake him now. "I was alone, too – I always have been, Harry. Even with all my family and what little friends I have, I've always felt alone, as if I'm the only person left on earth. And no one's there with me, floating in the darkness – they had other people to care about."
She sighed deeply. "After all – who would care about me? I'm just a bookworm, a smart know-it-all. No one significant, or worth paying any attention to, or worth caring about at all." Suddenly everything that she had felt for fifteen years came pouring out, and she couldn't bottle it all back in. Even if she had wanted to.
"You have no reason to feel alone, though – no reason at all. Never did, never will – and whatever reason you had, it was something you had believed all your life. And sometimes, even if you had every person there was in the world all around you, you would still feel alone. It wasn't as if you could help it . . . you just felt lost, and had no idea where to go – and no one would help or show you how to get there."
She felt herself drowning in memories and feelings that had long been buried deep where only she could reach it – but this time, there wasn't a fresh, raw pain inside her. Instead, she felt – calm and ready to take them on. And she did take them on, in the end – and she felt reborn. As she would soon find out.
"And maybe," she couldn't stop herself from rambling on, "when people tell you to forget about pain, bitterness and tragedy . . . deep down, they're trying to forget it, too."
He only shrugged. "Maybe you're right . . ." He gazed off at someplace she couldn't see. "I guess we'll see with time, Hermione. But I've always felt that way, and I never will stop feeling that way."
After a few moments of pensive silence, she decided to break it. "What did you have to be afraid of?" she said finally. "And don't give me any of that 'I was so afraid you might reject me' stuff, Harry. There's something else, isn't there?"
He didn't reply for several moments. Partly because he wasn't sure what to say, partly because he wasn't sure himself either. What did he have to be afraid of? Hadn't he told himself earlier that there was nothing to be afraid of – absolutely nothing? Then . . . what was scaring him off now? It wasn't rejection; it wasn't the fear of being all alone with no one caring about him . . . was it the fear of losing his friendship with her?
No.
Maybe it had been nothing that he had been afraid of, he reflected. Maybe he had been afraid of nothing.
That was it. He felt the pieces of fragmented thought slowly fit together; the puzzle had been solved.
He turned his attention back to her, and reached for a piece of grass, pulling it out of the ground and twirling it around his fingers. "I had nothing to be afraid of," he gazed far off into the distance, "it was just my insecurities playing tricks on me." He laughed hollowly. "And Ron said the same thing – how I thought I was afraid and hesitant of something, but in the end being scared of nothing."
"And you didn't agree with him," she mused, feeling a faint smile tug at her lips. "You were under an illusion that there was something to be afraid of . . . and the way your life and past has been, I can't blame you. No wonder you would feel . . . as if there was something to be afraid of when you were alone." Instantly she regretted saying that, especially when a look of disbelief crossed his face and what he said next.
"I was born alone," he replied mockingly, "so I might as well die alone. A lone, solitary person . . . that's all I was, all I am, all I ever will be."
Those cold, biting words struck a nerve in her and made her want to shake him more than ever. "You were not born alone – you had your parents, Professor Lupin, Sirius – everyone who loved you, all around you.
"How can you even think that you're the only person in the world who has nobody? Although you feel as if you don't have people around you, and you're just forever lost in the darkness, drifting hopelessly with nothing or no one to cling to – you do. You may have felt alone, Harry, but you never were alone. You'll always have us, your friends – we who are always with you and by your side – so you'll never be a solitary person, without anyone near him. You'll never be alone."
Tears threatened to escape her eyes; Hermione turned away quickly so he wouldn't see her crying. Crying for him.
"So don't you ever say that again," she said quietly, turning to face him again a moment later. "Because you never were alone – and you never will be. You'll always have someone with you, no matter where you go."
He found himself speechless. "Hermione . . ."
"No, Harry, stop it." Everything came rushing out now. "I wouldn't blame you for feeling that way, and the fact that even if you had friends, they would only take advantage of your fame – but that's a flimsy excuse why you feel alone. There's something else, isn't there?"
He looked at the ground. That was all the answer she needed.
"You'll always have me," Hermione looked at him silently, with a gentle look on her pale, worried face. "I'll be with you."
"After all," she went on, biting her lip slightly, "I know things are hard right now . . . but you can handle it . . . because I'll be here . . . by your side. And I always will be – whether you want me to be with you or not."
He exhaled sharply and stared at her in silence, not knowing how to react, what to say. "Do you mean it?" He said at last, the words sounding disbelieving to his ears. She knew what he meant, though – his behavior and glances at her had told her everything – everything she had wanted to know, and everything more than that. And he did need her – as much, if not more, as she needed him.
"Of course I do." She gave him a look. "Don't I mean everything I say?"
He chuckled at that. "Yes, you do – all the time. That's never going to change . . ." he let his voice trail off. "Especially when you're with me, by my side. And I do want you to be with me, Hermione. But it's just that . . ."
"Don't give me that drivel about you wanting to protect me from Voldemort," she said firmly, "because you know I won't believe it. Voldemort or no Voldemort, nothing – and no one – is going to stop me and keep me from being with you."
He inhaled sharply at that – and could only look at her in stunned appreciation and gratitude. "I don't know what to say to you now," he said finally.
"Simple," she smiled, "don't say anything. Sometimes you just don't need words."
"Right," he echoed. We don't need words. He could only shake his head at her. "Hermione . . . you amaze me, you know that? But . . ." he gave her an awkward smile. "Thanks, really. I know as long as I have you . . . and Ron . . . but you, especially . . ." Her eyes widened at that – everything she felt at that moment he could see with his eyes locked on her own. " . . I'll be okay. I'll be fine."
"See?" Hermione raised an eyebrow at him. "Never doubt me."
Harry smiled lightly. "O'course I won't, Hermione. I know better than that."
"Really, don't." She turned to look at him. "I'll never leave you – never. I'll always be by your side, with you."
He just nodded – all he felt was packed into that single notion, telling her, without words, how much he appreciated it – and her.
After a few minutes of serene silence passed, he cleared his throat. "So are all our doubts cleared up?"
"Well, I wouldn't say all," she looked at him, her eyes bright, "but I would say most of them. Wouldn't you, Harry?"
He laughed. "Hermione . . ." he trailed off. "You do know that you're too good to me, right?" At that, she gave him a playful shove, and he sprawled on the grass, ducking her attempts to push him. "I was kidding! I was kidding!"
"Sure you were," Hermione said, shaking her head at him, "and I'll believe that."
"But I agree with you," he said after a while, "totally and completely." And with that, and the smile she gave him, he felt all his doubts disappear into nothingness, never to be felt or thought of again.
"I figured you would," Hermione replied, feeling every qualm she had had before melt away, and she was glad to be rid of them – she was sure he did, too.
Harry only grinned, and dusting himself off, poked her in the ribs and ran away, calling "Tag! You're it!" after him.
"Oi!" She called, and when he didn't answer and only ran farther away, which she guessed was his answer, she followed him, laughing joyfully all the way.
She finally caught up with him, and poked him back to ensure that he was it. But that quickly was prevented when he poked her back, and then she retaliated – and the cycle went on, them going back and forth poking each other until their stomachs ached from laughing so hard – and she realized that, for the first time, that she was actually happy.
Happy with him. She wasn't pretending to be happy, or was feeling the artificial sort of exhilaration. And she wouldn't have it any other way – and she knew he didn't, either.
"I'm not alone anymore, Hermione," Harry laughed breathlessly, "I'm not feeling alone!" With that exclamation, she felt everything click and they joined their palms together – hand to hand, finger to finger, palm line to palm line. Then, slowly extending a finger, she felt his pulse – comforting, steadily beating – his strength.
"And you know," she said quietly to him, entwining their fingers together, "you never were alone."
He felt as if his heart was going to stop – if it hadn't already.
"I know," he whispered back.
And she could only rejoice in his heartbeat.
- - -
Author's Note: Yes, am aware that was awful . . . I guess even sequels to supposedly "amazing" fics (as the lovely Wonks are entitled to believe) are horrible. And they suck beyond belief.
Hopefully the sheer awfulness won't stop you from telling me what you think?
Beta-reader's Note: The above opinion of the author should be discredited as she has no idea what she's talking about. ;) -Jennifer