A/N: I feel like I should mention that the first part of this is a flashback, but everything else that is in italics after the first paragraph is either a flash-forward or inner dialogue. Those two should be fairly easy to distinguish. I also feel that I should mention that I spent the plane ride home working on this so that I could post something as soon as I got home. That's how much I love you guys. And because I'm stupid, Sara was drinking a beer in the last chapter. Scratch that. She was actually drinking a bottle of water.
One more thing: The songs used in this chapter are Love has no pride by Bonnie Raitt, Angel from Montgomerey which I'm not exactly sure of the author and/or original singer, and Hit the Road, Jack by Ray Charles.
Chapter 8 (I think.)
"Let's not pretend that this is anything but a sexual release." Heather told him. "There's obviolulsy somebody else for you and she's important."
"I won't pretend." Grissom replied, moving towards Heather.
Heather took another step. "Why aren't you with her?"
"It's difficult."
"Difficult isn't impossible."
"She's my subordinate." Grissom admitted.
"So? Is she not worth it to you? Is it just lust?" Heather's dark eyes bored into Grissom's solemn blue orbs.
"No. If it were only lust, then I could do it." He couldn't admit that he loved her.
"Then what are you doing?"
"Where?"
"Here."
"I don't know." Grissom pursed his lips thoughtfully. "I guess I just need to feel again."
"What will she think?"
"She won't find out."
&&&&&&
Grissom wished with all of his heart that he'd never hurt Sara like he had. Why did she stay? He wondered. She must have been miserable. Grissom had never thought of himself as abusive, but there was no denying that he had exhibited classic symptoms of an abuser. He controlled her mentally, not physically.
Grissom stared at the ceiling, hoping that for just one night he could forget about the pain of thinking about Sara. It's going to be a long night, pretending to sleep. He sighed heavily and turned onto his side. Much to his surprise, Grissom found himself drifting off.
"Daddy, daddy!" A little girl launched herself into his arms. "Hi daddy!"
"Hi sweetheart." Grissom wrapped his arms around the girl. "How's mommy doing?"
"Mommy's making brownies." She enthused.
"Well then, let's go find her." Grissom hoistd the little girl and carried her into the big house that Grissom could only assume was his.
"Hi mommy!" The girl squealed.
"Hi Lily-billy." Sara took her from Grissom. "How was school?"
"We learned about bugs." Lily wrinkled her nose. "And daddy was so cool. All the boys think you're awesome." Lily informed Grissom. "I love you, daddy."
Grissom flashed forward eight years.
"Lily, turn your music down, please." Sara snapped.
"Huh?" Fifteen-year-old Lily poked her heda out of her bedroom.
"Music down, Lil."
"Sure thing, mom. What time is dad going to be home? I need to go to my concert."
Sara glanced at her watch. "Just let me call Erin and tell her I'm not coming, then I'll take you."
"Thanks, mom. I know you really wanted to go to Erin's bridal shower. You still could. It's not a big concert. I don't really need anybody there."
"No way, sweetheart. Somebody is gonna be there because every concert is important."
Another flash.
"Where were you?" No mistaking Sara's voice and the clear disappointment coloring it.
"Nowhere." Grissom replied quietly.
"Gil, it's two in the morning. You can't have been working this late. Tell me what's going on."
"Nothing, Sara."
"Lily was expecting you. You missed her concert. She ended up playing the solo. Julia got food poisioning."
"She'll have to tell me about it in the morning." Grissom shrugged off his coat.
"She wouldn't have to tell you about it in the morning if you'd been there."
"Stop it, Sara."
"Don't do this to her, Gil." Sara warned. "Lily needs her father."
"She's got her father." Grissom growled. "Now, could I please get some sleep?"
"Daddy?" Lily traipsed down the stairs. "Where were you?"
Grissom's tone instantly softened. "Nowhere, kiddo. I'm sorry we woke you."
"You didn't wake me." Lily rubbed her eyes. "I've been waiting for you. I wanted to tell you about my concert. But I guess you don't care."
"No, Lil-"
"Good night, daddy." Lily turned back up the stairs.
Sara stared at Grissom with cold eyes for a minute before telling him, "you have lipstick on your collar."
&&&&&
Lily paced the floor of her mother's apartment. Finally, after what seemed to be an eternity of waiting, Sara opened her door.
"Lily." Sara stopped short.
"You can't leave." Lily blurted out. "You have to stay here in Vegas and work things out with dad."
"Lily." Sara put down her grocery bags. "You've already been concieved. Just implant the memory of us sleeping together in his brain so I can tell him I'm pregnant later."
"Please stay." Lily implored.
"I can't help you, Lily." Sara shot back, frustrated. "I don't know what to do anymore. I can't do it by myself."
"I wish I could help you." Lily teared up. "But I can't. Those are the rules."
"Then you figure it out." Sara threw up her hands. "I'm tired of trying to figure this out."
"Just stay until I figure out how to work this out, please, mom. Please."
"For a little while." Sara agreed.
&&&&&&
"What do I do?" Lily asked Emily. "This is insanity."
"Insanity is right." Emily glanced at her nails. "What do you want to do?"
"I don't know. I've sent dad dreams, but I don't think that's doing anything more than freaking him out. I'm this close to just locking them in a room until they work it out."
"Too cliche. Let's keep that as a last resort." Emily advised.
"What about making him jealous with another man?" Lily suggested.
"Too risky." Your dad might give up."
"Okay, Ms. Fountain of Brilliant Ideas, what's your plan?"
"How do you feel about making your mother sick?"
Lily gaped. "Like, sick sick or morning sickness sick?"
"Like sick sick. Then your dad can take care of her. Meanwhile it looks like your dad could use some motivation to realize Sara's really leaving."
Lily sighed and looked at her parents, both miserable and convinced that there was nothing either of them could do. "Agreed."
&&&&&
This time it was present day.
"Love has no pride, when I call out your name." Sara sang softly. "Love has no pride, when there's no one but myself to blame."
Grissom finally saw the boxes sitting in the living room, packed with Sara's things.
Her lyrics had switched now. "To believe in this living is a hard way to go." She carefully wrapped a picture frame in bubble wrap. It was a picture of Grissom with his arm wrapped around a college-aged Sara.
Her tune changed again. "Hit the road, Jack. Don'tcha come back no more, no more, no more, no more, hit the road, Jack."
The last picture went into the box.
&&&&
Lily was pleased with herself. There was a heavy rain, thunder booming in the background, and of course, clear roads to minimize the risk of an accident.
Grissom knew this was it. Sara was really leaving. She'd threatened it before, but the catch in her voice, the tears in her eyes, even her breathing pattern convinced him that that this was one hundred percent, no-faking, the real deal.
Grissom glanced at the folder in the seat next to him. He found her apartment complex without much trouble and charged up the stairs to number 16.
He knocked and waited. No answer. He knocked again. This time Grissom heard footsteps approaching and then retreating.
"Sara." He called. "Please talk to me about this."
No reply.
"Sara, please." He shouted. She still didn't answer the door. "I know you're in there and I'm not leaving until you talk to me!"
The door cracked open. Tears were streaming down Sara's face. "Please leave me alone." She begged. "Please do me this one favor and leave me be."
"Sara, I don't understand why you're leaving. I can't fix it if I don't know what the problem is."
Not for the first time within even the last hour, Sara wanted to kill Grissom with her bare hands. "It's not up to you to fix it. I already told you, you made your choice. Now I'm making mine. I can't keep living like this."
"Living like what?"
"I'm in love with you, Grissom. I would have done anything for you. It hurts to think about you, now. I wish to God I could've fallen in love with Nicky or Warrick, Christ, even Brass would have been less complicated, but I didn't really have a choice. I fell in love with you. And I can't chnage that. But I can change the fact that I'm allowing myself to be a doormat."
"I'm so sorry, Sara. I never meant to hurt you like that."
"I know." Sara replied. "If I'd ever thought you meant it for even one second, then I'd have left long ago."
"What about Nicky and Warrick? Brass, Catherine, Greg, and everybody else? How are you going to leave them?"
"I'll stay in touch. Probably not with Catherine though." She mused. "She's never really liked me."
"Sara-"
"You should go, Grissom. I have something I need to do."
Grissom looked at the floor, defeated. "I'll see you tomorrow at work."
&&&&
"Mom, you can't seriously be leaving." Lily groaned. "Things between you two will work out. They have to."
"Lily, maybe you shouldn't have messed with this. Grissom and I might just not be meant to be together." Sara couldn't believe the words exiting her mouth. Since when had she been a quitter?
"No. I swear to God, this isn't how it's supposed to happen." She fumed.
Desperate times, desperate measures.
&&&&
It was the second time in as many nights that Grissom had dreamt of having a daughter named Lily.
"Daddy, how come you and mommy aren't married?" Lily snuggled up against her dad.
"It's hard to explain, kiddo." He replied. "Your mommy and I love you very much, and no matter what, that will never change. But sometimes a mommy and a daddy aren't meant to be together."
"But don't you love mommy?" Lily's gigantic blue eyes widened even further.
"Of course I love mommy." Grissom wrapped his arms around Lily. "I love mommy very much. But mommy and I are just...friends." He finished lamely.
"Then how did I get made?"
Grissom blanched. "One day a very special angel brought you to me and mommy."
"Oh." Lily nodded solemnly. "I bet mommy loves you took, daddy."
"I'm sure she does, kiddo." Grissom kissed the crown of Lily's head. "Now, it's nine o' clock. Well past your bedtime, missy."
"Okay, daddy. I love you."
"I love you too."
&&&&
Grissom was awake now. That's the second night. Not that dreaming of Sara two nights in a row was highly unusual for him. It was the way he was dreaming of her. In a happy, family-oriented way.
No, this was something much different.
&&&&
"Gil." Ecklie poked his head out of his office. "Can I see you in my office please?"
"Yes, you may." Grissom stepped into Ecklie's office.
"Have you had any more trouble with CSI Sidle recently?" Ecklie reclined in his leather seat.
Be careful how you answer this, Gil. "CSI Sidle has expressed some discomfort with our working relationship." He admitted. "We're exploring options to improve things." Lie.
"Gil, I'm sure you're aware of the restrictions on supervisor-employee relationships."
"Well aware." How many times have I read that stupid paragraph?
"CSI Sidle resigned this morning." Ecklie coolly handed Grissom a copy of the form.
To his credit, Grissom managed not to look too surprised. "We had discussed her resignation as a possibility."
"I may not be a doctor," Ecklie began. "But I am smart enough to know that you and Ms. Sidle have beyond a supervisor-employee relationship. She is a valuable asset to this lab and I would hate to lose a CSI of her skill level because of a discomfort with her supervisor."
"That decision is hers." Don't get snappy, Gil.
"Gil, I'm going to be frank with you. We don't get along and probably never will. But, in the interest of maintaining this lab's stature and in turn, my reputation, I spoke to the Director. He's agreed that as long as CSI Sidle's reviews go through another supervisor and the two of you pass a performance review every 6 months, you won't be reprimanded."
"Sara won't speak to me." Grissom said bluntly. Don't piss him off. "However, I appreciate you and the Director trying to find a solution." Grissom stood. That was at least mildly professional.
Ecklie followed suit. "Gil, I truly would hate to lose a CSI of Sara's caliber. It might not be too late."
"Conrad," Grissom sighed grimly. "It's been too late for years."
A/N: I know I'm a horrible person for ending it there, but I'm having some major issues with the next chapter and I'm trying to find a muse/chatty person to work out said issues with. I'm not sure how I want to progress. I do have some of the next chapter written, I'm just trying to figure out if it needs more or less and where. I'm a bit OCD. Whatever. Thanks for sticking with me and not sending me too many threatening emails while I was away in Japan. BTW, Grissom would absolutely love Japan. Everything there was so Grissomandsara-y. The temples, the museums, the history, the art. EVERYTHING. I may have to write a Grissom and Sara go to Japan story. Howver, it won't be in this one because that would just mess up the plotline way too much and would be out of place. Watch for my next WIP (after I finish this. I swear I'll finish this one first.) Grissom and Sara go to Japan. (I also swear I'll think of a better title.)