A/N: Yeah, here ya go.
Welcome Back
Chapter 3: What It All Boils Down To
Steady hands gripped Snuffles' leash, folded up and unattached, as Sirius looked distantly at the gray London scenery, the cafes and stores that splayed out just beyond the wrought fences of the park.
Snuffles, free of the restraint, was further ahead, playing with another dog as if he'd never been sick.
He'd been awful friendly with the females in the park, and he'd hopped and trotted about, urging a very distracted Sirius to play.
Finally, he'd relieved him of his leash and he'd been playing with the German Shepard since.
Harry cooed, asleep in Lily's arms.
"What's wrong?" James asked, shooting a concerned glance at his best friend.
Sirius's head shot up with a start.
"Hm?"
Play innocent, Sirius figured.
"What's wrong, Padfoot?"
He let his eyes stray ahead. "Nothing's wrong, James."
Lily raised her brows skeptically. "Fess up, Sirius; we can read you better than you know."
Sirius looked at his friends.
Lily, hair still very red and eyes very green, held a snoring Harry.
Beside her, James held her hand, hazel eyes pursuing Sirius's curiously, and with no hidden amount of concern.
They deserved to know what was on his mind, but he wasn't sure they would like it.
"I…"
He tried, but he wasn't able to get it out.
It was hard to say 'I'm thinking of leaving again' without earning him a set of glares too furious for him to take just yet.
Maybe lying would be better – smoother, more believable…at least easier.
"It's that wizard."
Lily gave him a dubious look, but she nodded. "The new threat?"
Sirius nodded, and then noticed the stirring in the redhead's arms.
Harry began to wake, blinking his large green eyes indolently, and yawning cutely.
"Hey there, kiddo," said Sirius, playfully waving a finger near his face.
Harry reached for it and clasped it in his hand.
"Hm." Lily still seemed not to believe him; she'd always had a certain sixth sense about these things.
"Well, he's not rearing his ugly head just yet." James, however, was oblivious, and Sirius loved him for it. "It's not like you to worry so ahead of time, Sirius."
"Yeah, I know." But then, he hadn't really been feeling like himself lately.
---
"Elisa, there's no reason to worry; the Ministry is as strong as ever."
Henry stood in the midst of all the chaos the room of record keeping had become, looking completely unconvinced.
Ellie must have looked more skeptical than she thought she had.
Henry shot her a dirty look.
"You haven't got any proof to say otherwise, so watch your step, little sister."
She bit her lip petulantly, continuing to glance at this note and that form in hopes of piecing together more information.
"Do you know any relations they'd had recently with St. Mungo's?"
"No, not that I know of…" Henry shuffled through the files. "This is the only thing that really applies at all."
He passed her a file, labeled "St. Mungo's Project".
She opened it, flipping through the papers inside.
"No, it's just a bunch of forms for the Healers-in-Charge, and some trainees…"
"Well, if there were really a secret operation going on in the Ministry, do you honestly think they would keep files on it?"
She stifled a harsh comment, forcing herself to smile a little.
"No, but if there were any interaction between St. Mungo's and the Ministry, there might be clues that could give me more information on what's going on here."
"Why are you so curious, anyway?" asked Henry interestedly, lighting up a cigarette.
Her hands stilled on the papers, and her eyes found the floor.
"I don't know."
"Has it anything to do with that dog you've married?"
Honestly, she didn't know.
It was possible that she's seen all of this conspiracy, these secrets, and linked them all to Sirius's work.
As an Auror, a member of the Order of the Phoenix, and a friend of Dumbledore, the headmaster of Hogwarts, Sirius seemed to be linked to every association against conspiracies, against threats to society, against evil.
Perhaps she'd sought to grab his attention.
Juvenile though it was, Ellie wouldn't have to stretch too far to fit the bill.
"No," she lied, and shook her head.
Henry seemed to be satisfied, though, and continued to peruse the papers.
The clock chimed loudly, jolting them both out of their investigations.
"That's the bell for the conferences; you'll have to go now."
Ellie looked up. "What? Why?"
"Elisa, you must leave. Now."
Holding back a skeptical glare at her brother, she picked up her bag and started towards the door.
While she held the doorknob, debating whether or not to take no for an answer, Henry spoke.
"Elisa."
She turned. "Yes, Henry?"
"You…you can come back tomorrow, and we'll see if we find anything then."
Ellie smiled softly at her brother.
"Thank you, Henry."
Henry nodded, and his eyes, once slightly softer than Ellie had seen in years, hardened again.
"Now go, we don't want you caught."
"Right."
She tried not to sneeze when he blew out smoke and gave her a crooked smile, cigarette still in his teeth.
She opened the door and continued to walk through, finding a safe spot away from the quickly apparating Ministry officials, and disapparated.
---
"You two should go out."
It sounded very little like a question, and more like a friendly command.
He couldn't blame them - they deserved a night out.
They hadn't left the house, it seemed, since Harry had been born almost thirteen months ago.
"Really, just go on, and have fun. Merlin knows you need it."
Lily gave him a grin and nodded. "Alright then, I'll be back in a moment."
They standing in front of Godric's Hollow, and James had just passed a sleeping Harry over to his godfather.
Lily was gone for a moment before she appeared again, standing on the steps with a baby bag in hand and a blanket in the other.
"Now, what are the rules?" pursued Lily, stuffing the blanket into the bag.
Sirius fought a smile as James chuckled behind Lily. "No unsupervised feeding, changing, or burping."
"Right," the redhead said smilingly, handing him the bag.
He pulled the strap over his shoulder with a little difficulty, because he was trying not to wake Harry.
"Have fun, kids," said Sirius jokingly.
Snuffles set the pace ahead of him, mood only slightly dampened after having been leashed again.
"Sirius?"
He turned to see James approaching him, looking concerned.
"Don't worry about him too much," he said, "The wizard, I mean."
Sirius nodded.
"But about Harry - you're sure Ellie'll be okay? You know, after-"
"Yeah, she'll be fine," finished Sirius quickly. "Not to worry."
"Listen, I know there's something going on between you two, but I won't butt in. Just…be careful," cautioned James quietly, "She's been through a lot."
"I know."
Sirius gave him a little smile.
People honestly gave James too little credit – he really caught onto more than they think.
---
Ellie came home to the smell of talcum powder and boiling formula.
She walked further into the room to find Harry perched on Sirius's back as they watched a Monty Python film.
"I'm not sure that's appropriate for a one year old child – or a twenty-two year old man."
Sirius craned his head to look at her walking over to him and Harry.
She picked him up so that Sirius could sit up and bounced him up and down on her lap when she sat.
"Why's Harry here?"
"Lily and James are going out tonight. Where've you been?"
"Nowhere special."
Sirius took a large bite out of a chocolate bar he'd been sharing with Harry.
Ellie sat down on the couch, balancing a giggling baby on her knee.
She made funny faces at him, sending him into fits of laugher.
"You smell like smoke."
Ellie's eyes shot up mid-expression. "What?"
"You've been smoking again?" Sirius didn't seem too fazed; he was paying attention to the movie, in which a French man in a fortress was saying that he'd waved his privates at some aunties.
Desperate for an excuse, she nodded. "Yeah."
"Smoking is bad for you, you know. We went over this after I stopped. It's not healthy."
"It's not your business, Sirius. You can't leave and pretend like you care all of a sudden."
She was sorry for having said it, but more so, she was sorry for how wonderful it had felt to finally do so.
"Sirius, I'm so-"
"No, it's fine, Elisa."
Harry stared from one to the other.
Sirius got to his feet. "No."
Startled, Ellie looked up at him.
"No, it's not fine. You're screwing with my head here, Elisa! I have no idea what's going on with you! One minute, you're okay, and acting as if it never happened, and the next you're in a bad way about it! I just don't get it!"
"I just lost my head for a second there. I didn't mean it. Really."
"Yes you did! That's just it! Ellie, I know you better than you think – you can't lie to me as easily as you once could!"
"Lies? Lies! I'll show you lies! I wasn't smoking again - I was with Henry! If you knew me so well you would know that I haven't smoked since we lost-"
Ellie felt herself quickly winding down, the sudden loss of momentum rendering her helpless to finish her sentence.
Harry had started crying.
She pulled him to her and started to rock him gently, hoping to calm him down.
"You were with Henry?"
"Yes, Henry."
"He knows we're-"
"Yes."
Sirius fell back onto the armchair. "Why did you go to see him?"
"No reason."
He didn't push any further, despite his curiosity.
When it came to her brother, it was best to let things lie as they were.
A firm silence fell between them, in which little Harry's crying subsided some.
"Why do you leave so often?"
"What?"
"Why do you leave?"
Sirius bit his lip.
This conversation had been waiting patiently to happen for years.
There were certain things that had slipped over the years, small things letting on about how much it bothered her, how guilty she felt for it, how much she wanted it to stop.
But he hadn't listened then – there had always been the chance that she would just let it go, and they could escape the confrontation for another while.
But now, there was no avoiding it.
"I don't know."
He wasn't sure whether it was true or not.
If it were up to him, he wouldn't have had to decide.
He felt his anger rise in his chest – she'd ruined it all.
"Why do you have to ask things like that? Why can't you just take things as they are! Why are you bringing this up now? We could have just kept quiet and let it all go as it was. Then everything would have been just fine."
He was shouting, and Harry was crying again, and Ellie wasn't doing anything at all.
She just sat there, quietly cradling Harry to her chest.
"No, everything would not have been just fine! It all would have been false, fake, just all lies! You can't expect me to forgive and forget every time you come back round, smiling at me and hugging me! And all without my knowing where you've gone to, why you've gone, and why so long! It's not fair to me, Sirius! It's not fair!"
Ellie was frowning at the floor, eyes trained on the carpet as if they couldn't bear to look at him.
"I never told you because I thought it would hurt you."
"Hurt me? Hurt me! The only thing that hurts me is what my imagination fills in! Whatever your reasons are couldn't in any way be worse than what I come up with!"
"But you don't get it! Dumbledore told me not to say anything!"
"I'm your wife, Sirius! Even if more in title than in practice, and there are certain people – including wives - that merit a little note of at least how long you'd be gone!"
"Dumbledore said it would be too dangerous, that especially with your brother's job, no one should know what-"
"Stop it, Sirius."
No longer was her stare on the floor - she was staring solidly at him, eyes slightly glassy.
"Please, stop it. By no stretch of the imagination am I a saint - I don't take this kind of torture quietly forever, Sirius."
"But Ellie-"
"And I know that you don't stay loyal, and that's fine by me. A man like you cannot settle down, and no matter what I convinced myself while standing on that altar with you those years ago, I can't help you with that, I can't change that."
"Ellie, it's not like that-"
"The reality of it all is, that I let you get away with it all. So it's my fault, and not yours, Sirius! Never yours! After all, being the terrible woman that I am, I let you go off without a word and then I welcome you back home like it never happened, without even a word of reprimand or a guilt trip. So in more ways than one it's my fault that you leave, isn't it? It's my fault that you're always gone."
"Please, just stop this-"
"And I wonder sometimes why you leave. I feel like it's my fault, and for all I know, it very well might have been."
"Stop this now, Ellie, you're only going to-"
"And I wonder if things would have been different if Amie weren't dead!"
Silence.
Amie…their daughter – or at least, she once had been.
"It still bothers me…it's my fault…"
Ellie's tears had finally begun to fall.
Sirius walked over to her and slipped his arms around her.
"Amie's gone, but it's not your fault, Ellie. Shh, it's not your fault."
"She had that little blue backpack, but she wanted the pink one, and I told her I'd get them. She never got that stupid damn backpack…"
She choked and buried her face deeper into Sirius's chest.
"Shh," he soothed, "It's okay, it's okay."
"It shouldn't have happened…"
"No, it shouldn't have."
"I hate him. I hate him so much."
"I hate him too. But we have to forgive him, we have to let go. It's all in the past now."
"…I miss her so much."
"I know, I miss her too."
---
A/N: Sorry it took so long. It's not spectacular, but its here. So review please!
This might be my last update for a bit because I have freshman orientation on Thursday, and then I start school on Monday of next week.
Hopefully I'll be able to make enough time to keep up with all of my stories. But just to let you know, updates will be slower (yes, even slower) from now on. But do expect another Of Fame and Family chapter up sometime soon, as promised.