Sour Schuyler's Confession: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh. This has been beta-read by sooooo many people, I don't even remember. One of them is Akio the Dragon Master. Also, thanks to Mecha Scorpion who helped with the newspaper headlines without knowing it.
ON
WITH
THE
FIC
Crash! Ryou was thrown against the wall roughly. He collapsed to the ground, a few of his ribs crushed. He gasped for breath, internally bleeding. A vehement Marik came up to him, his eyes laughing with the prospect of sticky blood painted all over the walls…
Brrring!
"Owch." Brown-eyed Ryou Bakura sat up, rubbing his sore bottom. He had fallen off of the couch onto the hardwood floor. "Darn it. …Oops! I almost cussed. That would've been bad."
You should've, came the voice from his Millennium Ring. You're such a goodie-goodie.
Ryou stifled a yawn and stood up. "Hush up…" All this time, the phone rang incessantly off the hook. Ryou glared at the hunk of officious plastic. "Shut up!!"
Are you talking to the phone? said an uncharacteristically concerned voice.
"No," lied Ryou blatantly. "Why, do you care?"
Well, it would be harder to torture you in an asylum. I'd have to find something unusual to stab you with, like an electric plug.
Ryou sighed. "I'm going Amish."
You do that.
With all his hopes of a quiet day dashed before they were even assembled, Ryou scratched his side and reached for the phone. "Hello?"
"Bakura." Ryou's eyes widened as Seto Kaiba's voice reached his ears.
"K… Kaiba?"
It's the prick! RUN!!
"Ha ha," Ryou laughed bitterly. "That's so funny I forgot to laugh."
You bet it's funny. Seto Kaiba's an idiot. No such thing as magic, my foot.
"You're foot's very transparent this time of year."
Well, yes. Yes it is. But it's like that all the time.
"What on Earth are you talking about?" Kaiba wondered gruffly.
"Eep! Um, nobody. Myself. No, actually, let's go with nobody. Oh, shoot. I meant nothing. There's nobody in my house but me." Ryou panicked.
"Okay…" Kaiba growled. "Now are you done being crazy?"
"Sure, I guess," Ryou offered. "Unless you want me to be crazier, in which case I know a great recipe for green elephant soup."
"…Do you have a job?" Kaiba said spontaneously. "Or even friends?"
"Um, no and maybe, depending on the weather," Ryou answered.
"Mokuba has time off work this winter, but I don't want him by himself. Do you think you could nanny him?" Kaiba asked, ignoring Ryou's quirks.
"Sure, if you promise never to say the word 'nanny' again. Ryou wrinkled his nose in disgust.
"Funny, I thought is suited you," came the reply from both Seto and the other Ryou.
"Oh, shut up."
"Hmp. Anyway, do you want to or not? Ryou?"
"…" Ryou stared out the window and across the street, his face burning with embarrassment. "Um… Love to. From what time to what time?"
"Can you 'baby sit' Mokuba from ten to six on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?" Kaiba demanded.
"What!??!" Ryou cried. "I didn't think you were serious. Why on Earth would you let me baby-sit Mokuba?"
Is it your butt?
""
Fine, fine, be dubious, but that's the reason Miho always wants you to tutor you. I know for a fact that's why.
""
Ok, ok, I'll drop it if it makes you happy.
Kaiba sighed. "Look, I'm a busy person."
"I understand," Ryou said apologetically. "I'm sorry for being so rude."
Kaiba snorted, "Hmp. Can you or can't you? Are so you so callow that you don't know SOFA?"
"Callow?" Ryou piped up. "What on Earth does that mean?"
He's making up words, Ryou. Let me take care of this. Now where did I leave my taser?
"Get yourself a few decent thesauri and figure it out for yourself."
"Before or after I look after Mokuba?" Ryou cried.
"It doesn't matter, genius." Kaiba snarled at him over the phone. Ryou shivered. Seto Kaiba to him was like a corporate demon. At least with his other self, he could somewhat communicate with him on a casual level, but with the infamous Seto Kaiba, the rich CEO of Kaiba Corporation, he just felt so tiny, and incredibly outclassed.
"Ok," Ryou placated. "So, when do you want me to come over then?"
"Didn't you here me?" Kaiba said. "Sometime before ten."
"You never said that!"
"But I implied it."
"What?? And how am I supposed to guess that?"
You're getting stupider by the day. It's those cronies that you hang out with. Or that you wished you hung out with, anyway.
"Oh shut up, you twit," Ryou growled. To say that the spirit was flustered was an understatement. He was livid, but quickly filed his anger away to be used against Ryou later.
Bakura and Ryou had come to an understanding. If Ryou would eventually work towards the goals that his other self desired, then Bakura promised not be beat the snot out of Ryou every week. But having Ryou backtalk was not something the virulent spirit could allow.
Kaiba, however, was also angered. The CEO's voice took on a tone of steel that Ryou didn't like very much. "What, did you just say to me?" he menaced.
Ryou gulped. "I… I didn't… I wasn't talking… to you, Kaiba, I swear."
"You better not have been," Kaiba growled dangerously. Ryou gulped.
"I didn't."
"Good. Let me get one thing straight. I don't like you, but you still have to be here at 9:30."
"K."
"K. See ya."
"See ya." Kaiba hung up, so Ryou felt safe adding, "You psycho."
You can insult him better than that, can't you?
"Kaiba is a potty psychopathic jerk who deserves to have a normal lifestyle crammed up his butt," Ryou spat. And then: "I can't believe he called at 11 at night!"
Dear me. And I bet he also made you walk to school barefoot… in the slush… and the rain…
"A-hole."
There you go.
Kaiba hung up the phone, semi-disgruntled that it had worked. He had seriously doubted that Ryou was brave enough to even talk to him on the phone for five minutes, yet he had lasted. The idiot had sounded like he was having a panic attack, though. Honestly, he wasn't like the spirit of the Millennium Ring at all.
"Seto?" Mokuba entered the room. Kaiba flushed, knowing that he had hung up just in time.
"What is it?" Kaiba nagged, trying to sound as if he was annoyed. He became aware of the sullen presence of his little brother behind him, and decided not to turn around, afraid that Mokuba would read something in his eyes. Mokuba mumbled, and continued mumbling. Something about a party at Yugi's tomorrow.
"Absolutely not."
"I thought it would be easier than replacing Christine by tomorrow," Mokuba offered. "You do know that she quit, right?"
"Right," Kaiba said. "Did you come here to tell my why?"
Mokuba looked thoughtful. "Umm… Actually, no, but she said that our big house was spooky and that it really creeped her out. I think she just wanted to spend more time with her boyfriend around Christmas." Mokuba hoped his brother would get the hint; that he wanted to spend more time around him this Christmas as well… "I'm just wondering who will look after me tomorrow."
"Who would you like to look after you?" Kaiba asked.
"R…R…Um," Mokuba looked shyly at the ground, "Ryou Bakura?"
"Don't you think that he will be at the party as well?" Seto interrogated.
Mokuba shook his head. "That loser? I doubt it."
"With Tea's grasp on all of her friends, I'll bet she helped Yugi coordinate the date just so everybody could come," Kaiba continued to tease.
"…Seto, I seriously doubt that Tea will have invited him," Mokuba said in a monotone. Seto blinked, slightly taken aback. What made Mokuba so sure about that? He already knew that Ryou was able to baby-sit, but how did Mokuba know?
"…You're willing to bet money on that?" Kaiba asked. "That Tea didn't invite him?"
"Sure."
"Ok, I'll call him," Kaiba submitted.
"Woot!" Mokuba cheered quietly.
"What did you just say?" Kaiba inquired incredulously.
Mokuba sweat dropped. "Um, woot?"
"Now I know you're crazy!" Kaiba exclaimed. "Go to bed."
"Kay! Oyasumi nii-sama."
"Oyasumi Mokuba."
Mokuba ran down the hallway happily. He was perfectly aware that Seto was unaware that Mokuba had just gotten something he had wanted a lot more than the party. 5 minutes of fast running later, Mokuba finally reached his bedroom, huffing and puffing. Mokuba's bedroom was, in comparison to Seto's home office, just down the hall. Waaaaaaaaaay down the hall.
"I have got to move my room closer to the rest of the house," Mokuba gasped. "The rest of the world, too."
Whistling to 'This Is The Story Of A Girl,' Mokuba changed into emollient black silk pajamas. After he did this, a gruff voice came over the intercom.
"You going to bed yet, kiddo?" asked Seto.
"Not yet Seto!" Mokuba all but chirped. "Just give me ten more minutes."
"Mokuba…"
"I know, I know, I'll go to bed in ten minutes, nii-sama."
"K. Goodnight, Mokuba. Love you."
"Love you too Seto." Mokuba plopped down on his bed and took out some sewing materials. Mokuba had taken up sewing when he had a nanny that was afraid of needles. (Clowns, as well, but that's a different story. It was pretty funny when she met Duke's dad, though.) Since then little Mokuba always had some kind of project going on. He would work on them on those rainy days when he didn't feel like doing much.
On the shelf above the younger Kaiba's bed, next to the teddy bear given to him by his pen pal Rebecca, was his favorite ningyo (doll) of all: his self-made Seto plushie. It even had real hair.
Mokuba took out his nearly complete Ryou plushie and started working on it with nimble fingers.
"I'm gonna finish this tonight… OW! I stabbed myself!"
The Next Morning…
Beep beep beep beep!
"BWAHAHA!"
"…" Ryou looked at the damage done in his room, dressed in nothing but white boxers with red hearts on them. And he knew. Yes, oh yes, he knew. Somewhere out there, a girl named Danielle was drooling over him. "Uh, mou hitori no boku, er, sama, did you send my alarm clock to the Shadow Realm?" Ryou said inquisitively.
Yes.
"Ah. Okay." Ryou scratched himself behind the head, wondering just how much money he spent on replacing alarm clocks every week. He reached for his closet door, to pick out whatever clothes he was wearing today. It was then he remembered.
He'd agreed.
To
Baby-sit
Mokuba.
And somewhere along the line, he'd also assured Kaiba that he knew something called SOFA, which he assumed wasn't a couch.
And behind him somewhere, Johnny Depp's voice said, "Don't do anything... stupid..."
"Mou hitori no boku, that's the worst imitation I ever heard."
Sorry.
Ryou sighed, as he realized that choosing his clothing was going to take him forever. He opened up his closet and starting carting out whatever outfits he thought looked good.
"But why would he choose me? I'm not exactly very gregarious, you take care of that." Ryou said nonchalantly, taking off his boxers.
What kind of a spirit would I be if I actually let you have fun?
"A much better one," Ryou vouched, crumpling his jacket into a ball.
I'd been like the Pharaoh!
"Yes, a much better spirit," Ryou reiterated.
But... the Pharaoh!!
"Is much better."
... The spirit of the Millennium Ring took some time to let this sink in. And then he made a swift decision concerning his weaker self.
You suck.
"Thank you. I try," Ryou informed him. The gentle Brit happened to look outside.
It was storming out. Thunder and lightning made the roads inaccessible and a leisurely walk a possible suicide. Luckily for Ryou this storm was in Afghanistan, so he could still walk to Mokuba's. :)
Now, one of the girlier things about Ryou was that he could never, ever pick out what to wear. At 8:30 AM the following morning, he was trying on clothes. Lots of clothes.
So you're actually going to go through with this? the spirit of the Millennium Ring demanded disdainfully. He floated in ectoplasm behind his lesser self, watching as Ryou changed his scarf in front of a full-length mirror. A.N: To quote a friend… "Sexy.
"Yep." Ryou's decision was swift in determining that the blue scarf, while quite cute, was waaaaaaay too itchy, and therefore he removed it.
Dressing to impress?
"Yep."
Why?
"Well—"Ryou cut his own sentence short when he looked up to examine a rather lovely red sweater that Amane had sent him. However, it didn't go with anything else he owned, and it was too warm to wear it anyway, even though it had snowed the night before. He continued in a curt British accent, "Well, this is the rich and powerful Seto Kaiba – and his brother – that we're talking about."
Correction: You're talking; I'm technically transmitting my thoughts telepathically.
"Is that so? Well you don't seem to be having very many of them," Ryou confessed.
WHAM!
Ryou clutched his forehead. "Bloody heck--!! What did you do that for, spirit!?"
To fix your impudence. That's seishin-sama to you, ratfink.
"Are you sure you're not just violently overindulgent?" Ryou rebelled rashly.
WHAM!
Some people just never learn.
Ryou luckily came to five minutes later, his head throbbing painfully. He wordlessly pushed himself to his feet and gave himself one final run-through in the mirror.
Ryou was wearing his Battle City outfit. A quite beautiful golden cashmere scarf that his mother had bought him replaced his jacket. He looked gorgeous. . His hair wasn't picture-perfect, but it did not appear messy and as such, it was fine.
"…" Ryou sighed sadly, tempted to once again dismantle his whole outfit.
Just go! Your clothes look fine. You're just an idling idiot.
"But…"
Just go! the darker presence in Ryou snapped angrily.
"All right all right! I'm going!" Ryou grabbed his school pack and ran out the door.
Ryou was halfway there by now. It was here that the other Ryou decided to say something.
"Why did you bring your school stuff?" the spirit wanted to know. Well, that's almost what he said. Replace 'stuff' with a four-letter word and you've got a direct quote. And no, the four-letter word was not 'love'.
"Just in case I've got a spot of spare time to do my assignments," Ryou explained. "Ms. Jono gave us a lot of lessons to complete this weekend because of Joey's tap dancing."
o.o;; Uh, come again?
"You heard me." Ryou smiled. "He's a fantastic dancer, too."
I don't want to know.
"You know you do." Ryou sent the flashback drifting back towards his other self, who viewed it reluctantly.
Once upon a time there was an idiot.
"Hey! Yugi! Ms. Jono isn't here and I'm gonna tap dance on her desk!" Joey grinned like an idiot… because he was an idiot.
Yugi sweat dropped. "I wouldn't do that Joey. You could get in biiiiig trouble, and then I would be thrown into it just because I'm your best friend and Ms. Jono assumes that we plot against her together."
"Nah! That won't happen!" Joey jumped up on the teacher's desk and started tap dancing. The other students couldn't refrain from cheering him on when they saw Joseph's beautiful dance routine. They cheered and cheered, like in some soppy fairy tale. Just then the despicable Ms. Jono came into her classroom to see Joey dancing on her desk. Not only that, but he had knocked over and shattered her teacher of the year coffee mug.
"WHEELER!!!!!!!!"
"And that's why I have so much homework," Ryou explained. "I suppose that I should be mad at Joe, but it was really funny."
You'll be too busy staring at Kaiba's little brother to do your homework and you know it, baka.
Ryou blushed. It was no secret to his darker self that he was sweet on the shaggy-haired, silver-eyed Kaiba. He admired the everlasting faith that Mokuba put into those he looked up to as luminaries, faith which had never been put into Ryou by anyone except for his little sister… until the incidents started happening, and Ryou was sent away to Japan. Now Ryou doubted it his own mother trusted him wholeheartedly. It was his curse to bear the Millennium Ring, but Ryou would rather have him be the victim of the twisted spirit's rages, rather than letting anybody else have to suffer. He wouldn't be able to ever live with himself if somebody else happened upon the "Ring of Wisdom", as the seishin (spirit) was so fond of calling it, and kept it. Ryou would never sleep at night, knowing that someone else out there was being mentally battered in the day and physically bruised in the night.
But Mokuba, Ryou thought, if he could just become great friends with Mokuba, then he would have somebody who would put their complete faith in him. And that was all Ryou ever really wanted, really. Then again, Mokuba was only twelve years old, and that age gap made any dulcet relationship sick and wrong… Alors, cute little Mokuba was inaccessible. That was probably for the best, however, since Ryou didn't exactly having any homosexual buddies he could relate with.
My host also doesn't know any child molesters that he could get in touch with, mou hitori no Ryou, or "the other Ryou", pointed out. He did very well to keep the sarcasm out of his "voice". Maybe you should send a fan letter to Michael Jackson.
Let me introduce you to me good friend, Harvey—I mean Tabitha. Tabitha is 15, and is one of Miho Nosaka's less preppy friends. She also harbors finicky crushes on Yugi and Ryou. She is blonde and had green eyes. She also has very poofy hair. :) This is what she, as a girl in Ryou's art class, witnessed as she walked past Ryou at this very point, as well as a few of her thoughts.
'Hey, it's Ryou! I kind of like him… I'll say hi. Maybe he'll ask me out!' "Hi, Ryou!"
"Now you shut up," Ryou demanded tartly of a seemingly non-officious parking meter. "Just because I think that way doesn't mean I have to start idolizing Michael Jackson."
"oO;;; Uh, Ryou?"
"And furthermore --- don't you get smart with me!! And furthermore, you're sick in the head if you think that I'm going to do that. That's not why I took the job. No, sick is NOT a compliment!
"By the way, do you think that's a new flower shop across the street? I've never seen it before."
'Ok… That's strange,' Tabitha thought, a large, dark blue sweat drop trembling on the back of her dirty blonde head. Oh, sorry – that was the color of her hair, you see. It was very clean, I assure thee. . And shiny.
Unfortunately for this previously sane girl, the weirdest was yet to come --- and then it came, and then it went. Because just then, Ryou stopped talking to the parking meter and fell silent, as if the parking meter was replying to his cogent outburst.
After awhile, the bishie nodded. "Yeah, you're right. It is new." A tick mark suddenly appeared on his forehead. "No, I don't think they sell swords there, you retard. Oops, yeah, I'm sorry."
"oO;; Oook… I'll be going now." Tabitha did an about-face and strode quickly out of the area. On her way she bumped into little Yugi. Cute, little innocuous Yugi-sama. Wonderful, cute little normal (relatively) Yugi-sama…
' Yugiii! Yay.' "Hi Yugi!"
The short duelist turned around, an amiable smile lighting up his face. "Oh, hi, Tabitha!" he greeted gregariously. "How are--- WHAT? No, I don't think Tea actually has a sugar daddy. Joey just made that up. And Mai DEFINITELY does not have one, and if she did, it WOULDN'T BE PEGASUS! What is it with you and prossies?! You and all of your sinful black leather. SHAMEFUL! SHAMEFUL I TELL THEE!"
Yugi scoffed, scowled, and skipped a heartbeat as he realized that Tabitha was still listening. "Uhh… bye!" Yugi bumbled off. He only got a few feet, though, before he started screaming, "NOA KAIBA IS NOT A FRENCH MAID!! ARRRRRRG!"
Tabitha then transferred to a new school. She likes it there. :)
Ryou burst into the Hanaya (flower shop). His nose was immediately offended by the only too aromatic flowers. The place was stuffed with them --- there was barely enough room to walk without brushing your ankles against some form of shrubbery. Ryou panted for breath in the musty air. The place was so humid…
"See? Do you see?" Ryou prompted pompously. "There are no swords being sold here!"
As if on cue, a rough voice rang out: "Arrr! If it swords you be wantin', swords we be sellin' ya. Ain't that right, Checkers?"
"SQUAWK! Swords we be sellin' ya."
"Arr, how cute."
Ryou stares in total shock at the real, live pirate in front of him. And then at the parrot. Oh my good gracious, the parrot was…
"SUMIMASEN! (excuse me)" Ryou scrambled out of there.
I told you they sell swords.
Malik Ishtar was busy playing with the neat little pencils on the counter when Ryou came in. There was a newspaper rack standing right next to the counter. Some of the more curious headlines were:
MECHA SCORPION PLANS TO BLOW UP THE MOON!
M. ROSHI CLAIMS THAT MOON HAS ALREADY BEEN DESTROYED!
KAIBACORP MAKES A DEAL WITH KANE LIN!
HILARY DUFF ACTS "MATURE"!
MAN WITH TURBAN WALKS THROUGH WALLS!
THE BEST THING SINCE DRAMAMINE STEW IS TYLENOL!
BUSH SUCKS! (the democratic paper)
KERRY SUCKS! (the republican paper)
BOTH BUSH AND KERRY SUCK BUT WE GOTTA FIGURE OUT WHO WE WOULD VOTE FOR! (the independent paper)
WHY THE HECK ARE WE TALKING ABOUT AMERICAN POLITICS IN JAPAN?
MAI VALENTINE DOESN'T WEAR A BRA! (see the pictures!!)
CREATOR OF HIT CARD GAME CLAIMS TO BE STRAIGHT! PEOPLE LAUGH!
ZEBRA IS A TRASHMONKEY!
RESIDENT EVIL 4 A BIG HIT AMONG THE PACKRATS!
JEANS GIVE PEOPLE RASHES!
VIDEO GAMES CAUSE VIOENCE!
CHARLES MANSON LIKES FLOWERS!
MY SKEITH ATE ALL MY NEOPOINTS!
"THESE THINGS ARE MY BAG BABY"
THE NOKIA N-GAGE SUCKS!
YOUR MOM!
THE GARGOYLES ARE ALIVE!
RELIGION IS FAKE!
MY INNER DEMONS HATE RUBBER CHICKEN!
CAPTAIN CRUNCH KILLS COUNT CHOCOLA!
INUYASHA GETS "SIT'D"!
AN INVISIBLE MAN LIVES IN THE SKY!
XL T-SHIRTS MAKE THE LADY DOWN THE STREET LOOK EVEN FATTER!
THE OVERUSE OF EXCLAMATION POINTS AND WHAT WE CAN DO ABOUT IT!
There were also many, many other newspaper titles. ;)
The tiny bells rang as the door swung open. Ryou Bakura entered, looking a little nervous. "Uh, Malik?" Ryou fumbled with his jacket nervously.
"Yeah?" Malik looked up. "What's up?"
Ryou had been staying in Malik's apartment for the past week. Ryou had just had his apartment painted, and it had to be aired out, or else he would get high and stuff would happen. :) Anyway, this was all good, as Malik was Ryou's best friend and all.
"I need the key," Ryou said. "I have to go to Kaiba's and look after Mokuba."
"Oh." Malik tossed him one. "Here."
"'Kay, thanks…" Ryou gave him an odd look. "What's with all these newspapers? I thought this was a pet shop."
"It makes good kitty litter," Malik explained, adding: "For the people who don't want to buy the more expensive kinds."
"Oh…" Ryou frowned. "Well, can I have the one about Inuyasha?"
"Sure." Malik handed him one. "That'll be $5."
" Never mind then…"
"Well, that was a fun walk," Ryou lied. "And here I am, standing here, afraid to go in because Kaiba's in there."
Kaiba's a weenie.
"He can throw Joey five feet."
A big weenie. Like in that Eminem song, which, obviously, is called 'Big Weenie'. :D
"I don't even want to know how you know that," Ryou said. He was standing in front of the Kaiba Winter House. It was shaped like an L, which two huge yards stretching from either side of it.
"…"
Go ahead, open the door stupid.
"'Kay…" Ryou reached for the doorknob and did just that.