Opiy8yobojgoiyvkzuetykghjwqerywqresyfgwreytfvryiewgpirfugjskhD;H;
That's, uh, Uzbek. Yeah, it's Uzbek. It means… "Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh, but if I did, this would not be a fan fiction. You'd be watching it on TV. It would be the center of great controversy. Bill O' Reilly would be averse to it's pedophilic nature, Michael Jackson would endorse it, and I would invite him to help me produce it. Then I'd kill him and be crowned Queen of the World for doing the world a favor. Okay, maybe that's going a little far. But I'd win the Nobel Peace prize for sure."
The Uzbekistanis are famous for their "quadruple meaning letters." Er… really. Learn Uzbek.
…
Awkward moment.
…
I do not own Kurama, a lawyer, Peru, any plastic spoons, Toasty-Os, Animal Farm, Cheerios, or da na na na na na na na BATMAN! Also, Akio is Akio the Dragon Master, who gave me permission to put her in this fic. - Thanks Akio-chan!
…I'm gonna dedicate this chappie to Charlie and Dee, who love each other lots. :P And I'm gonna thank Vincey, because his buddy icon gave me an idea for one of the jokes that you're gonna read.
…
Yeah, that's all the people I'm gonna credit. The rest of them suck, and shouldn't be mentioned. Ok! So!
…
Awkward moment #2, it would seem. On with the fic…
Ma Proie
Chapter 5
School Sucks, Part I
It was the next day! GASP! And our primary concern and honored main character, the esteemed Mokuba Kaiba…. Actually, no, screw him. (My lawyer's say that's not legal. But Kurama's my lawyer. What would he know? In any case, I don't recommend it unless you live in New Zealand. Even then, you can't be any older than 14.)
For an esteemed change of pace, let's not start off with Mokuba. Even though I haven't started off with Mokuba before, and thusly I am not making any sense to you right now. Are you listening? You can call me Sourchan. I like pie. Moo. Peruvian drug dealers are rich. Alright then…
Let's start off with Little Yugi. 'Cause I wuv him. His honey-colored banks hung in front of his face as he shoved reject-brand cereal into his mouth via a white, plastic spoon.
"You look tired Yugi," Tea said. Actually, what she said was, "You appeared fatigued, comrade Yugi!" but it all means the same thing. Unfortunately, Yugi didn't know that and thought that Tea was just rambling on about something unimportant again. Like eggs. God knows she could go off into a pretty good rant about eggs. Oh, and friendship as well, of course. She had lightened up a bit on those speeches, however, after the whole frying pan incident. Although Yugi would never tell, he didn't think it had been all that funny. Kaiba had gotten so frustrated with Tea that he knocked out a lunch lady and stole a frying pan. He had hurled the heavy object at Tea. She shrieked and jumped out of the way. Joey and Tristan acted outraged, but laughed afterwards. Yugi hadn't laughed. It hadn't been funny, in his opinion. Tea could have been hurt!
Yugi still had a crush on Tea.
Yugi stuck another mouthful of Toasty-Os into his mouth. They tasted exactly like Cheerios. "I was up late last night, helping Grandpa with the shop," he mumbled in reply. But Tea wasn't listening. Yugi often wondered how much she really listened to him. She was too busy decorating the paper friendship bracelets she had made for everyone. They were hip, apparently, because she had two of them already hanging off of her right wrist. Her left wrist had been adorned with one as well, but the paper had ripped on the way to school due to getting wet due to the rotten deluge that had endeavored to cease their trudging towards school due to life sucking. (Wow, that sentence was long!)
"You have a nice rack, Anzu."
Nope. No effect at all. Not even a hint of a flinch had registered on the Anzu-meter. Yugi blinked. "Huh… Amazing." He leaned forward and… stared. Yah.
…Yes, he did that. He is, after all, Yugi, which is probably Uzbek for "corrupted soul".
"Anzu… I'm being a morally unethical and unconscientious person… Don't you want to yell at me?" A/N: Look, the name Anzu is fuggin' cool. That's just my opinion. So if anybody's going to point out that I used it… Go ahead. I'll probably forget I did anyhow. .
Nothing happened.
" Wow, today rocks!" Yugi grabbed some chocolate milk and chugged it. His eyes suddenly widened. 'Pish, I just zinged myself.'
He stuck out his tongue. "Somebody's tampered with this in more ways than one…" he announced to the ditz who wasn't listening. "…And that's more ways than I want to think about." The small teenager fled to the bathroom.
1-1-1
Now, we'll get to Mokuba soon, I assure you… Really. We will. After this, and a few phone calls I have to make, and after I trek over the river and through the woods so I can eat my grandmother's oatmeal cookies and plot insurance fraud with her. But first, we shall go to Tristan.
Why, you must be surprised! Why Tristan you ask? And why do I keep switching into a 2nd person narrative? Well, for the first question you'll just have to sit tight and find out. For the latter, it's 'cuz I'm ADHD.
I shall now insert some of those 1-1-1 things that are only there because that blessed holy place of yore, won't let me post asterisks. Which are those star things that you get when you press SHIFT + 8.
Boo.
1-1-1
Tristan was moseying through the Domino hallways without his friend Joey, who had casually excused himself to go to the bathroom through a series of handshakes, foot-waggling and throwing-snot-out-of-one's-own-ear exercises. Ah, yes, secret signals were fun. Although Tristan valued the friendship of Yugi Motou, being friend's with Joey was a lot more fun.
For one, Joey was never required to save the world. Just his rep', which was constantly in question.
For two, Joey was just a nut. Yugi came back to Earth sometimes, usually during hangovers. Yugi was mean during hangovers, too! But then again, so was Joey sometimes. (Lol.)
For three, Joey didn't have a mystical juju. Now, jujus are not only neat in their own ways, but they are really cool too say. Juju. Go ahead. Say it. You know you want to. Ju… ju. There. Now, these manxome jujus were pretty cool (I bet you don't know how to pronounce manxome. I don't.) in their own quirky ways. Bakura's could locate other Millennium objects, the Millennium Eye could read minds, most of it was pretty clear-cut, trenchant, and utterly specific. But the Millennium Puzzle, Yugi's juju, had no clear meaning. Unless it's "power", as one might call it, came from the fact that it was not delivered pre-assembled, thus having the power to grant seismic headaches. Not that Yugi minded, from what Tea had told him. Apparently Yugi had spent five years on the thing.
Tristan had been spending a lot of time with Tea lately. During the summer he had been utterly lonely due to the fact that Tea had gone to a dance camp in Las Vegas (alright, it was in Longview, Texas, but it was a funny thought) and Yugi had gone to Canada to visit his Aunt Zelda. (Tea spun many tales of Yugi's manxome Aunt Zelda. Apparently she was a lesbian.) Joey had been spending every spare microsecond talking, being with, or thinking about Mai.
Tristan had felt very, very alone. His sister hadn't even visited during the summer break. She would be moving in with him, along with her husband and son (the notorious B.I.G. – I mean brat, Johji) in a month, so he wasn't all that concerned. However, he was still alone! His dad was a geeky kook and his mom worked her tail off all the time, so, he had rediscovered the potency of friendship. …He spent a lot of time with his dad, too. :)
Ironically, he made a lot more enemies after that. It's annoying when a spikehead won't shut up. It's also annoying that a starfishhead is the best duelist around, especially when he's a midget that girls secretly pine for.
Anyhoo, Tristan had been spending a lot of time with Tea lately, and had been ruminating on asking her out for a while now.
So he was kind of perturbed when he entered the cafeteria to see Yugi staring at Anzu's chest area. It also looked like he was trying to draw attention to the fact that he was staring at her chest.
"My God, the kid has issues," Tristan murmured. Sure, Yugi was his friend, but sometimes he felt like he was his rival. They rivaled over Joey's attention, it could be said. Not that he was interested in Joey that way. No, Tristan was 200 straight. Not only that, but there were girls, too! He dated girls sometimes. Of course, he always had his sister hook him up with them, because otherwise he would never get dates.
Right now, there were girls that were staring at him with wide, frightened, and disbelieving eyes from a corner of the cafeteria.
Yugi then grinned and drank some chocolate milk with celerity. Then, he looked thoroughly disgusted and ran in the general direction of the bathroom.
"Serves him right," Tristan muttered. He went over to Tea and sat down across from her. "Hi Tea!" he greeted her, giving her his awesomenessest smile. Tea, sensing supremely feigned optimism that she would like to humor, looked up… and sneered at him.
"Nice hair, Tristan," she said bluntly. Tristan blinked, then blanched. "What… what do you mean?" He reached up to touch his hair — and screamed in a high pitch before galumphing with celerity out of the room.
1-1-1
Meanwhile, in a limousine near Domino Intermediate…
"Are you wearing clean underwear?" Seto smirked. Mokuba sulked further into his leather seat. Mmm, so squishy. (Manga-related joke)
"Shut up Seto."
"Make me."
"Rrr… I hate it when you say that!" Mokuba opened the door of the limo and hopped out. Then he slammed the door in a rage and started walking away. He froze when he realized he'd forgotten something.
Seto laughed at his younger, stupid brother as Mokuba opened up the car door again and retrieved his backpack. "The doggy learned how to fetch," he snickered. Mokuba glared at him.
"What's with you and the bald jokes?"
Seto blinked. "Bald jokes…?"
Mokuba blushed. "I meant to say dog. Slip of the tongue, sorry."
Seto blinked a couple of times. "Uh… okay… Um… BOSTON, STEP ON IT!"
"Yes, sir, Mr. Kaiba!" The limo's wheels squealed as Boston pulled them unsafely out of the semi-circle drive where parents dropped off their kids at Mokuba's middle school.
Mokuba grumbled as a flock of popular, beautiful, and skinny middle school girls gossiped and laughed over Mokuba's idiocy. They had seen him forget his backpack, and they used that very word – "idiocy" – to strike a chord within him as he walked by.
Life sucked when you couldn't beat preps.
1-1-1
I told ya we'd get to Mokuba. Didn't think I was gonna mention him, did you? ;D He's the main character, you dummy/rummy. So don't be silly, 'cuz Trix are for kids until somebody sues.
…What am I talking about? . You tell me.
1-1-1
His rep' was first and foremost, in all situations. It was his rule, his solemn oath of coolness. And Joey had believed in it more than anything… except where his friends were concerned. Ever since he had started hanging out with Yugi, and learning about true friendship, he had clung to that rule as a secondary promise, his beta way of life.
Joey's eyes darted this way and that. Nobody else was in the restroom. It might be safe to make idle conversation… But, that was a girl thing, wasn't it? Ah, well. Time to risk it.
"Yugi, is that you throwing up in there?" Joey knocked on the stall door lightly a couple of times. Hm, maybe that was too much. It seemed too much like an invasion of space. Hm, maybe he should use invasion in conversation one day to sound smart.
"Yeah…" Yugi's voice cracked as he drew out the slang word, letting it play across his dry tongue as long as his sore esophagus would allow it to. His voice wavered, and the sound of him retching followed soon afterwards.
"O.O Holy fuggin' milk gods, batman! You sound miserable!" Joey exclaimed. He could hear Yugi retch again.
"Don't ever… mention… milk…"
"Why?"
"Don't ask." Yugi stuck out his tongue. His eyes crossed. He was inflicted by vertigo, his stomach felt horrible and there was, of course, the fact that everything in the toilet had come out of his mouth. (Doesn't that sound ten times worse than saying that he was retching?)
Joey nodded dumbly — "Alright, pal." Joey racked his brain. "Uhm, hey Yug. You know, I heard that wearing looser clothes helps with nausea and vomiting."
"Where did you hear that?" Yugi groaned. "It sounds really farfetched."
"I read it in a book."
"You read?"
"Hey, I—"
"I mean besides those."
"Oh." Joey turned sort of rufescent. "Well, ya see, we had to do this really stupid project on side effects in the fifth grade. My side effect was nausea."
"Does it work if you're already vomiting?"
Joey shrugged, but then remembered that Yugi couldn't see him. "Probably," he advised. Yugi nimbly unbuttoned the shirt of his uniform, revealing the white t-shirt below.
"Hey, Yugi?" said Joey. "Do you want to know a secret?"
"Does it involve pie?" Yugi's voice got softer.
"I'm serious."
"So am I. Pie is dairy-related, and therefore must be avoided. And I'm never eating cheese again. Hell, I'm going vegan."
Joey waved off the amusing thought of Yugi cursing in order to say, "no, it doesn't involve pie, or cheese. But it does involve milk."
"Is this about Kazuki Takahashi's new pasteurization theory? That guys a crack. Sour Schuyler's gettin' su-UED!" The sound of what sounding like three strange barks followed as Yugi threw up again and again in the toilet, which was now smattered with preposterously pink puke.
"Well, I'll tell ya anyway!" Joey smiled pleasantly at the door. This was odd, because it was as if he was talking to the door, rather than over, through, under, and over it.
"The secret is—"
1-1-1
Welcome to "The Middle of the Film", and idea that completely rips of Monty Python's the Meaning of Life. Look for the fish in the following scene!
You see a picture of the Terminator, using Teen Titan's Cyborg's cannon arm. Or rather, it is smoking and looks like it has been used. Hilary Duff is running past, screaming, with her hair on fire and a fish shoved into her mouth. Lindsey Lohan is prancing by in red undies for desperate publicity.
And that's all from 'The Middle of the Film'. Eat your vegetables!
1-1-1
"Joey, I don't care what the secret is. I just drank some milk that somebody had vomited into."
"EW!" Joey shouted.
"Yeah. Joey?"
"Yeah?"
"I think I'm about to—" There was a loud ploom sound as Yugi's head hit the restroom tile, hard.
"Yugi!"
1-1-1
"Good morning Kaiba," Ryou said chipperly as Kaiba padded softly into the room and sat down.
Kaiba bore holes through his schoolmate, using his blue eyes for drills. Ryou become as still as a glacier as slowly, the curmudgeon rose to his feet with the air of a really, really fat vampire that reeaaaaally wants to kill you but knows that your blood tastes like lemon juice mixed with dog food that's been urinated on.
Kaiba shuffled slowly until he was so close to Ryou that their noses were touching. For one horrifying second, Ryou thought that he was going to kiss him. Ew and double ew. …And triple ew.
"Leave me alone," Kaiba breathed — and then he turned around and took his seat.
"o.o; Ok," squeaked Ryou. And I mean, he literally squeaked. Some girl mouse in the corner of the room, she thought he was a giant mouse, and she fell in love with him. She climbed into his lap.
"OO There's a mouse on my lap!" Ryou yelled. Kaiba didn't look up. Ryou sighed. "Hello mousey," he said, petting the mouse gently.
1-1-1
"Oh my God oh my God oh my God," said Tristan, as he put gel in his hair rapidly. He had been thinking about Shaman King when he woke up this morning, and he had shaped his hair like Wooden Sword Ryu's cut-off pompadour. "Oh my God, and those girls saw too!" Tristan groaned. "I'm such a loser…"
"Yes, you are," said a blonde girl. "You're in the girls bathroom."
"O.O Sorry!" squeaked Tristan. He scrambled out the door and into a short, dark-haired girl wearing dorky Limited Too clothing.
"Hey!" she shouted. Then she looked at the door, sweat dropping. And eerie feeling came over her. "That… is the girl's bathroom… right?"
"I'm really a girl," Tristan joked. Instead of laughing, the girl gave a huge sigh of relief.
"Oh! Alright then." She went into the bathroom, truly believing that Tristan was a girl.
1-1-1
The substitute teacher was taking roll. "Tea?" she called out.
Tea straightened up in her seat, folding her hands neatly on her lap. "Here, ma'am."
"Suck up!" chorused the entire class. She stuck her pink tongue out at them.
"Tristan?"
"Present."
"Kaiba?"
"…"
"Kaiba, if you don't say here, I'm going to mark you absent," the teacher warned the rebelling polymath.
"Here," he said moodily. Usually he wouldn't listen to a stupid ukase from a substitute teacher, but he figured that the poor woman had enough on her hands having to deal with… Joey. She hadn't even gotten to him on the roster yet. The poor woman. Her blood pressure was never going to be the same again.
"Thank you." She nodded curtly in Kaiba's direction. Kaiba, disgruntled, when back to his book.
"Psst," said the girl next to him. Tristan, who happened to hear the sound, turned around (rhyme time!) and blushed as he realized it was the same girl who had caught him in the girls' bathroom. She hoped he didn't tell anyone.
"What?" Kaiba whispered back rudely. He sounded like he loathed the ground she walked on. Probably — after all, Akio never would leave him alone during class. She always pestered him with stupid questions like:
"Why doesn't your uniform flare out in the back?"
Kaiba blinked. "Excuse me?"
"You know… Like your trench coats always do."
"This isn't a trench coat," Kaiba informed her tartly.
"Yeah, but still! Almost all your clothes defy physics! I bet if you had a nightcap it would point straight up instead of lolling over to one side."
"And I would wear a nightcap… Why…?"
"To show off how your clothing doesn't like stasis!"
Kaiba sighed loudly. "You're discursive. It annoys me."
"Well, you're rude. That annoys me. Plus, you're rich but you won't let me borrow lunch money from you."
"The lunches are FREE!"
"Still!" Akio persevered.
"Well, you know, the CFO of my company is rich and rude too, but you don't hear me calling her a fainéant, fiduciary fiend, now do you? Not to her face, now, now do you? Huh? Huh?" Kaiba's right eye was twitchy in the most unhealthy way.
"You're stuttering," Akio pointed out.
"You're MAKING me stutter!" Kaiba accused.
Hanasaki stared at Kaiba. "I think you broke him!" he declared. Akio laughed. Kaiba glared at both of him, his hubris shattered.
"Sorry," Akio apologized — with a smirk. It was then that the sub came to Joey's name on the roster.
"Joey."
"PRESENTS FOR ME?" Joey said, looking excited. The sub gave him a half-lidded, 'don't you dare piss all over me' look.
"Ryou?"
"Present," came the delightful British accent. Multiple squeals from fangirls in the back of the room were heard. Ryou blushed and set his head down on the desk so that he was staring out the window. Incipient gray clouds were congregating at this one point in the sky, a little south-east from the sun. The entire world grew a bit darker as these circumambient clouds overtook the sun.
"Who put out the sun?" Joey said fearfully, jumping out his seat and into Tristan's arms, just like Scooby Doo would. Just like Shaggy, Tristan let Joey tumble to the floor.
"Yugi?"
"He's in the nurse's office," Joey asseverated. He sounded doltish. Ryou mused to himself that Joey always sounding doltish.
"He is?" Tristan said, wide-eyed.
"Yeah. He passed out after drinking… er… sour… milk."
Ryou snorted. "That sounds like a lie, by the way you said it."
"Well…" Joey sweated. "It does have to do with milk. Tell you later."
"YUGI'S ON DRUGS!" some strident kid in the back shouted.
"Oo;;" went the entire class, who liked to shout things in unison. "DRUGGIE!"
"Oo;;" went Joey.
1-1-1
Poor Mokuba was one of the unfortunate saps that had to have P.E. first period. He tried not to let his eyes wander onto the forms of various guys in partial-nudity. Last time one person had been caught staring, they had gotten a wedgie on the top of the flagpole.
He wondered what Seto was up to, then he wondered what Ryou was up to, and then he wondered what Yugi was up to.
"Hurry up Kaiba!" the nefarious coach shouted. "I'll count you absent if you're not here in FOUR SECONDS!"
"O.O But I haven't even started getting dressed out yet!" he protested, as he hurried as fast as he could. And then he realized: "Um… coach... you're a girl, why are you in here?"
"SUPERVISING YOU PUNKS PERFORCE!" she declared.
"O.O RAPIST!" Mokuba yelled. The woman glared at him. She reminded him of Kristy from the Babysitter's Club, only with blond hair. It was done in a ponytail that was pulled back through her cap, just like Kristy would've worn it.
Yes, Mokuba was also a fan of the Babysitter's Club. But, hey, in his defense, those are good books… for chicks. :D
"Who?" she demanded, giving Mokuba the evil eye. That evil eye wandered, though, over Mokuba's torso. He wasn't wearing a shirt in his state of dishabille.
"Um… Michael… Michael Jackson?" he suggested hopefully. The teacher nodded and adjusted her purple baseball cap before saying, "Alright boys, let's go!"
"o.O Whew!" said Mokuba. His friend Eduardo came over and patted him on the back.
"It's okay, man," he said in his best Pedro impression. "We're going to start a Round Robin to get her fired."
"Thank God," said Mokuba.
1-1-1
Yugi was in the cafeteria. By nurse's orders, he had to eat the slop that the lunch ladies were serving in an effort to re-fill his tummy. So, he had gotten… three chocolate puddings and two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
"Eat your beans!" a buxom lunch lady yelled at him. He stared at her face.
"…How do you keep all the pimples off your face when you work with all that grease everyday?" he asked. The lunch lady, instead of being mad and blackguarding the noisy youth, acted flattered that Yugi actually cared. (He didn't really.)
"I use lots of Stridex," she told him. "And nothing else, because I've found that other acne solvents seem to fight against each other and cancel each other out."
"Oh! ." was Yugi's reply. "I guess that makes sense."
"You're a nice kid," the lady praised. "So I'm going to let you in on a little secret."
"What?" asked Yugi, leaning forward to hear her better.
". Don't eat the brownies this afternoon, because instead of nuts, we're using broccoli bits," she disclosed to him. Yugi nodded understandingly… then stuck out his tongue.
"Ew," he said, "broccoli bits?"
The lunch lady nodded sadly. "Yes — you try improvising, and see what you get." Then she walked/lumbered/waddled back to the kitchen.
The lunch lady didn't bother him anymore after that.