Ma Proie
Chapter 6
School Sucks, Part II
Yugiwas finishing his third chocolate pudding when the lunch lady opened the sliding doors. Cool, refreshing air undulated into the room. ". It's fressssssh," Yugi hissed happily. The Pharaoh sweat dropped at his aibou's snake-like paean.
The lunch lady whom Yugi had talked to earlier smiled at Yugi. "You can go outside, if you like," she said. Yugi's eyes lit up.
"Really!" he screeched. The Pharaoh slammed his hands over his ears even though he was made out of ectoplasm at the time.
"Uh-huh," she said sweetly. "Just tell the hall monitor that Mrs. Brownie said you could go on through."
". Okay!" Yugi got up and cleared away his tray before running outside. The lucky monitor that had outside duties name was Jiyako. It sounded like a girl's name. He was related to Ushio, and so Yugi didn't like him all that much. He seemed a lot more benign that his cousin, though.
"Yugi, why are you out here?" Jayako asked, stopping him. Yugi froze, sweat dropping.
"Um… Mrs. Brownie said I could hang out outside for a little while."
Jiyako smiled. "Oh, sure. Go ahead. I'm sure my mom has nice judgment."
Yugi smiled back. "Thanks." He started to walk down the gravel path that surrounding the school a bit, before he fell over roughly. "His MOM?" he shouted.
/Aren't you supposed to be eating now/
"I should take advantage of my good fortune though, this benison that allows me to go outside. Fresh air is good — right?"
/Sometimes people are so stupid, it makes me disagree./
Yugi sweat dropped.
1-1-1
P.E. had been horrible. Their coach hadn't been their coach that long, but she was already acting as if she knew everybody's story. She also refused to leave the boys' locker room.
"Creepy bitch!" one boy yelled. "Unless you're purblind, get the Hell out of here!"
"You're taking a trip to the office," the woman said angrily. "And you're going there, right now."
"O.O But I'm half-dressed!" said the boy, was standing there in tighty whities.
"O.O" went some of the other guys. Others just hurried up to get dressed more quickly.
"I don't care! NOW, MARCH!"
The boy opened his mouth to protest, but he was saved by the bell. He grabbed his pants and put them on, and then ran out of the locker room, scared and scarred for lie.
The evil coach turned away. Mokuba put his shirt and shoes on, and then he went out into the hallway. He wasn't going to go to the office — she wouldn't even check to see if he had, so there really wasn't any point in going when he could avoid it.
"Evil bitch," Eduardo murmured in a thick Spanish accent. "She's going to rape us all some day."
Mokuba sniggered as he exited the boys' locker room. He happened to know that she was going to get fired very soon, even before the Round Robin would start. He would make sure, that his brother would make sure, of that. Heh.
He decided to spend the rest of the class eschewing the attention of the hall monitors. He darted through the back doors of the school just as the five-minute bell rang. The soccer team was playing a practice game in the field, and the coach was watching them with pride. Then…
"Kick the ball, Fudge!" 'Fudge' slipped and fell into the mud.
"Oh no," shouted the entire soccer team. "Tommy did it again!"
Fudge glared at them. "Shut up, Pet-ah," he said specifically to one of the older boys on the team.
Mokuba darted away, glad to get some time to think. He couldn't tell his brother, but he had been skipping class a lot lately. If he skipped three more, he wouldn't be exempt from the finals, but those were always easy for a bright boy such as him. It was getting his big brother in trouble he was afraid of.
Yeah… But fresh air was good.
…But seriously, though? Wasn't the coach at least afraid of getting fired? Crazy harradin.
1-1-1
Yugi eschewed the side of his school where his classroom was located as he galumphed down the path. His school was actually close to a picturesque grove of trees that were wet with the light drops of rain that fell all around him. Yugi didn't mind being wet, though.
The verdant, riparian scenery was refreshing after the scenes of hot, greasy food being cooked. Yugi's stomach flopped out on him. He couldn't imagine actually eating that stuff, and yet Joey had second helpings everyday.
"Joey's going to die from too much cholesterol," Yugi decided. He looked up at surging sky.
"I wonder what we're doing in class today," he wondered aloud.
1-1-1
"And that's how George Washing Carver invented the chain saw!" the silly simpering sub said. (Try saying that five times fast.)
"O.O Did you say George Washing Carver?"
"The chain saw?"
"What about peanut butter?"
"Did he like porn magazines?"
Everyone paused to give Joey a pursed-lip, before looking at their sub, hopelessly confused.
"To answer your question, Hanasaki, peanut butter hasn't been invented yet!" the sub declared. Ryou groaned and placed his head on his desk, looking outside again. This sub was either bibulous or just plain dumb. He suspected the former, because nobody could say that peanut butter didn't exist with a huge smile like that and then continue teaching. It was just crazy.
The good thing about this substitute was that her brio made everybody hang on to every word that came out of her meticulously-lipsticked mouth. –If lipsticked is a word, that is.
The bad thing was, not one thing she had taught them that day had been correct. She had confused the word homo sapiens with bananas, had mixed up the Bay of Pigs with the Pay of Bigs, which she claimed was the day the stock market was created. (Ryou had actually seen Kaiba hitting himself over the head with his textbook when she informed them of that.)
"Eating oranges in the bathroom is encouraged in California," the sub said. Tea rolled her eyes. Tristan raised his hand. "Yes?"
"My friend's cousin got arrested for that."
1-1-1
"YES I DID!" shouted Max Devlin from behind bars. If you can't figure it out, he's Duke's cousin.
1-1-1
"YOU'RE LYING!" shouted the teacher. Ryou rolled his eyes. The rain was starting to pour outside. He saw a flash or red, black, and yellow outside.
"Oo …Yugi?" he whispered to himself. "No way."
1-1-1
Yugi ran back inside as the weather started becoming really inclement. Mrs. Brownie was nowhere to be seen, so he changed his indoor and outdoor shoes quickly before settling down with a CD player and a copy of the Marshall Mathers LP.
1-1-1
"Hi Nancy." Mokuba greeted one of his acquaintances in the hallway. She turned and glared at him with huge, quivering, bloodshot eyes that bulged out of her sockets.
"What do you want?" she demanded inarticulately. Her mouth was huge, and had three rows of teeth in it. Mokuba was reminded of one of the monsters on the cover of a Goosebumps book… Now, which one was it? Oh, geez, this was going to bother him all day.
"Just wanted to say hi." Mokuba bowed politely before heading down the hall to his usual class. Eduardo, who was basically his only friend, was in Class A, while Mokuba was in Class D. The only time they saw each other was in the morning and during P.E. Unlike the high school, Mokuba's middle school stayed on the traditional path and kept lunches in the classrooms. This sucked for Mokuba, because he didn't have a friend in his entire class. Upon entering the classroom, he could feel several guys stare at him with intense eyes. He tried not to shudder as he made his way over to his seat — front row, closest to the door.
"Hi Mokuba." One of the snooty girls who had seen him forget his backpack that morning greeted him in a flirty voice. Mokuba wished that Ryou was here. It was mean, but Mokuba knew that all of the pompous cheer-dicks would be bothering Ryou instead of him. And besides that, they would be exalting Ryou. All they did to him was make fun of him. There were rumors that one cheerleader actually had a crush on him, but Mokuba didn't know which one and they were probably false.
Besides, you like Ryou, right?
Mokuba sighed and cradled his chin with his palm, looking out the window.
Of course I do. He's all that you've thought about since I entered this hellhole this morning. Why am I speaking to myself in second person about it?
Because you're crazy.
Oh. …This makes me seem really schizophrenic, don't you think?
Well… I don't care…
Oh. I see how it is, you son of a—
"Kaiba!" Mokuba blinked and snapped to the attention of his old, cranky teacher. She had high cheekbones and whitish-gray hair pulled back tightly into a bun. She wore dark blue nightgowns that she claimed were "school appropriate" even though if she didn't wear underwear everybody would know. It was sickening.
"Y…Yes ma'am?"
"PAY ATTENTION YOU LITTLE SHIT!" she shouted. Mokuba's hair flew back.
"Wow," he whispered. "Who knew that you had that much lung power?" The prep sitting behind Mokuba giggled.
"What did you say?" Mrs. Grin (a totally inappropriate misnomer) demanded.
"No, ma'am."
"GOOD!"
Mokuba sighed. The school sucked. Of course, his school was infamous in the district for hiring horrible teachers. That was just his luck. He was glad that he was getting transferred to Eduardo's classroom soon. When the School Board demanded that Mokuba quit his job for two months, Kaiba had only consented on the grounds that Mokuba could switch classes. He was switching tomorrow, so it was alllll good.
In the meantime, Mokuba pretended to stare at the chalkboard and the crab apple standing in front of it, hitting it with her pointer and occasionally hitting a student or two. Mokuba eyes glazed over a bit as he drifted off, wondering how Ryou was doing. Mokuba was willing to be that Ryou had his own claque that followed him around everywhere and that cried when anybody said anything mean about him. What Mokuba wouldn't give for one of those.
While Mrs. Grin was lecturing, Mokuba was wondering how Ryou's hair would do fare as a pillow, which he sorely needed because his desk was too hard and Mrs. Grin's words too stridently somniferous (an oxymoron). Mokuba felt somebody tap him on the shoulder. He looked up. The prep behind him clapped her hand against her mouth and giggled as she passed Mokuba a note. Mokuba unfolded it and read it.
Maybe you should stop barfing in toilets.
1-1-1
"Da na na na schna na na schna na na, na na./Schna na na na na na na na, na na, na na./Translation: So you can suck my dick if you don't like, my shit./'Cos I was high when I wrote this so suck, my dick."
"O.O Yugi?"
Yugi leapt off of the lunch table sheepishly. "HI MIHO! HOW ARE YOU!" he shouted in a too-loud voice.
"Um, hi," Miho said quickly. "You were singing."
"Well… maybe just a little…" Yugi offered up another repentant grin.
"What… What were you listening to?"
"Um, Eminem?" Yugi said. Miho stared at him. "What?"
"Nothing…" Miho sat down next to him. "It's just that you're usually so diffident… And you were lying on the lunch table. That kind of surprised me…"
"Only kind of?" Yugi said, pretending to be hurt.
Miho opened up a brown paper bag. "I have to eat lunch earlier than everyone else so I can help out in the library during everybody else's lunch," she disclosed. "It's lonely."
"Oh. Well, I'm here." Yugi blushed even as he said it. Miho just nodded.
1-1-1
"Alright, so, before we go to lunch, who can tell me who discovered electricity?"
Joey's hand shot up. Severel people looked like this: O.O Ooh.
"Yes, Joey?" lilted the teacher.
"Your mom!" Joey shouted. He then started laughing raucously. Several people looked like this: ;;
"Joseph—"
"It's JOEY!"
"—Joey, please try to be serious about this. We're having a pop quiz over this after lunch."
"O.O" Everybody started taking notes.
1-1-1
There had been an awkward lacuna in the conversation. Yugi played with the wire that connect his headphones to his CD player, wrapping it around his finger and then unwrapping it before wrapping it again.
"So, Yugi…" She took a bite of her tuna fish sandwich. "Do you still like Tea?"
Yugi's blush darkened, deepened. "Uhmm… Why do you ask?"
"Just wondering." Miho took another bite. "Actually some guy wanted to go on a date with me, but I told him only if it was a double date. So I was going to take Tea… and I thought maybe you."
Yugi's ears turned pink. "M-Me?" he asked. "Why…? Tea doesn't like me."
Miho shrugged. "You never know! She certainly badmouths you a lot less than Joey and Tristan."
Yugi picked at the table. "Yeah…" He sighed sadly. Miho looked up at him.
"What's wrong, Yugi?" she asked.
"Um, nothing." Yugi stood up. "I have to go to the bathroom. See ya."
Miho shrugged. "Okay, bye." She watched Yugi's back as he disappeared down the hallway.
1-1-1
After lunch Yugi went back to class. He avoided seeing everyone at lunch, instead conversing with his Dark.
He was going to wish he had stayed in the bathroom talking to his other self about what a loser he was and how he would never drink chocolate milk ever, ever again.
The pop quiz was, in itself, impossible, and left the students disconsolate. Kaiba, who was known for being punctilious, was now in a stunned daze. Joey looked devastated. Tea sighed. Yugi blinked cutely; he hadn't taken the quiz because he wasn't there to "learn" the "material".
Ryou's languid eyes focused once again on the Heavens above. The empyrean blanket of clouds was swelling and surging; the rain was going to be fairly heavy by the time they left school.
"And everyone should get along…" the sub mumbled to herself. "Okay children quiet down, quiet down." No one was talking. "Children I'd like to introduce our new substitute teacher for the day. His name is Mr. Shady. Children quiet down please." Again, no one was talking. "Joey don't throw that."
"Shut up!" whispered Joey perverfidly. He hadn't been about to throw anything.
"Mr. Shady will be your new substitute while I am out with pneumonia."
The entire class stared at her.
"You've got AIDS," one kid near the back dare to say.
"Good luck Mr. Shady."
The already quiet class quieted down to form the ne plus ultra of the already dangerously profound silence. They stared at the rapper that was to teach their health class.
"Hi there little boys and girls," Mr. Shady began. Suddenly the spirit of the Ring took over Ryou's body.
"Nuff you!" he yelled. Slim Shady went on unabashedly. Several students stared at 'Bakura', thinking that that was very out of character. Of course they didn't know that it was the other Ryou.
"Today we're gonna learn how to poison squirrels."
Several of the students brightened and sat up in their seats.
"But first I'd like you to meet my friend Bob."
"Huh?" said Bakura.
"Say hi Bob!"
"Hi Bob," chorused the whole class languidly.
"Bob's thirty and still lives with his mom
And he don't got a job, cause Bob sits at home and smokes pot
But his twelve-year old brother looks up to him an awful lot
And bob likes to hang out at the local waffle spot
And wait in the parkin lot for waitresses off the clock
When it's late and the lot gets dark and fake like he walks his dog
Drag 'em in the woods and go straight to the chopping blocks
"Aaaah!" screamed several of the girls in the class. It should be noted that during this time, Akio laughed sadistically.
"And even if they escaped and they got the cops, the ladies would all be so afraid, they would drop the charge," Eminem told them. "'Til one night Mrs. Stacey went off the job, when she felt someone grab her whole face and said not to talk.
But Stacey knew it was bob and said knock it off
But Bob wouldn't knock it off cause he's crazy and off his rocker
Crazier than slim shady is off the vodka
You couldn't even take him to dre's to get bob a dr.
He grabbed Stace' by the legs as chopped it off her
And dropped her off in the lake for the cops to find her
But ever since the day Stacey went off to wander
They never found her, and Bob still hangs at the waffle diner
And that's the story of Bob and his marijuana,
And what it might do to you
"So see if the squirrels want any - it's bad for you," Eminem told them.
The substitute clapped her hands languidly and sang, "See children, drugs are bahhhd."
"C'mon."
"And if you don't believe me, ask ya dahhhd."
"Ask him man."
"And if you don't believe him, ask ya mom."
"That's right."
"She'll tell you how she does 'em all the time."
"She will."
"So kids say no to drugs.
"That's right."
"So you don't act like everyone else does."
"Uh-huh."
"Then there's really nothin else to say."
"Sing along!" the new sub shouted.
"Drugs are just bad, mmm'kay?"
Every student stared at one of the two substitutes with wide eyes.
"My # is the size of a peanut, have you seen it?"
Several students gasped at the inappropriateness.
"&) no you ain't seen it, it's the size of a peanut."
"Huh?" decried Tea confusedly.
"Speakin of peanuts, you know what else is bad for squirrels? Ecstasy is the worst drug in the world. If someone ever offers it to you, don't do it; Kids two hits'll probably drain all your spinal fluid.
And spinal fluid is final, you won't get it back
So don't get attached, it'll attack every bone in your back
Meet Zach, twenty-one years old
Once again, there was nobody else in the room. Eminem acted as if there was, though.
"After hangin out with some friends at a frat party, he gets bold and decides to try five, when he's bribed by five guys.
And peer pressure will win every time you try to fight it
Suddenly, he starts to convulse and his pulse goes into hyper drive
And his eyes roll back in his skull blblblblblb
His back starts tah - look like the McDonald's arches
He's on Donald's carpet, layin horizontal barfin bleh
And everyone in the apartment starts laughin at him
Hey Adam, Zach is a jackass, look at him!
Cause they took it too, so they think it's funny
So they're laughing at basically nothing except maybe wasting his money
Meanwhile, Zach's in a coma, the action is over
And his back and his shoulders hunched up like he's practicin yoga
Akio's eyes became shifty at the mention of yoga.
"And that's the story of Zach, the ecstasy maniac. So don't even feed that to squirrels class, cause it's bad for you," said Mr. Slim Shady.
Tea shuddered at the story. Akio sniffled for the squirrels. ("Stephanie!")
Again the substitute clapped her hands languidly and sang, "See children, drugs are bahhhd."
"C'mon."
"And if you don't believe me, ask ya dahhhd."
"Ask him man."
"And if you don't believe him, ask ya mom."
"That's right."
"She'll tell you how she does 'em all the time."
"She will."
"So kids say no to drugs.
"Smoke crack."
"So you don't act like everyone else does."
"Uh-huh."
"Then there's really nothin else to say."
"Sing along!" the new sub shouted.
"Drugs are just bad, mmm'kay?"
"And last but not least, one of the most humongous problems among young people today, is fungus. It grows from cow manure, they pick it out, wipe it off, bag it up, and you put it right in your mouth and chew it.
Yum yum! Then you start to see some dumb stuff
And everything slows down when you eat some of 'em..
And sometimes you see things that aren't there
"Like what?" asked Tristan.
"Like fat woman in g-strings with orange hair.
"Mr. Shady what's a G-String?" Joey said to be funny. A couple students snickered.
"It's yarn Claire. Women stick 'em up their behinds, go out and wear 'em."
"Huh?"
"And if you swallow too much of the magic mushrooms — whoops, did I say magic mushrooms? I meant fungus. Ya tongue gets all swoll up like a cow's tongue."
"How come?" Nezumi interjected.
"Cause it comes from a cow's dung," explicated the rapping sub.
"Gross!" shouted Tea.
"See drugs are bad, it's a common fact. But your mom and dad know that's all that I'm good at."
"Oh!"
"But don't be me," Slim Shady begged, "cause if you grow up and you go and OD, they're gonna come for me and I'ma have to grow a goatee and get a disguise and hide, cause it'll be my fault. So don't do drugs, and do exactly as I don't,
Cause I'm bad for you
"See children, drugs are bahhhd."
"C'mon."
"And if you don't believe me, ask ya dahhhd."
"Ask him man."
"And if you don't believe him, ask ya mom."
"That's right."
"She'll tell you how she does 'em all the time."
"She will."
"So kids say no to drugs.
"Say no."
"So you don't act like everyone else does."
"Uh-huh."
"Then there's really nothin else to say."
"Sing along!" the new sub shouted.
"Drugs are just bad, mmm'kay?"
"Come along children, clap along."
"Shut up!" mou hitori no Bakura yelled.
"Sing along children."
"Suck my mothernuffing dick!"
"Drugs are just bad, drugs are just bad."
"South Park is gonna sue me!"
Mou hitori no Ryou blinked. Where had that statement come from?
"So don't do drugs."
"Suck my mothernuffing ," another random jack said.
"So there'll be more for me."
"Hippie! God damn it! Mushrooms killed Kenny!"
Joey farted.
"Ewww!" shouted Tristan. "Ahhh!"
". So nuffed up right now," mumbled Yugi. The song ended and Mr. Slim Shady left the room. The entire class was relieved to be free from the restrictions of the conflict.
"The exegesis for this had better be good," Kaiba mumbled, "or I am suing so bad."
Akio nodded. "Wait… what's an exegesis?" she inquired. Kaiba smacked his forehead. "Hey, don't be angry. I have blackmail that I can sell you."
"Sell me?" Kaiba raised an eyebrow. "And I would pay for it, why?"
"Because I don't have lunch money and it's the right thing to do."
"Oh, yes, pardon me for forgetting that dealing with 'blackmail' is always the 'right thing to do'."
"I grant you my pardon," Akio said gleefully. Kaiba sweat dropped. "Now will you give me the 4.99 or what?"
"O.O It cost that much just to buy lunch?" Kaiba was bewildered.
"Yeah… er… Yes, yes it does."
"Fine." Kaiba forked over the money. "So now what is this blackmail material that you wanted to tell me?"
"Well…"
1-1-1
Ryou wasn't feeling very well. He thought that perhaps it had to do with his lapse of memory during Health Class. His umbrage was pointing towards the other him, but he could never be sure. The Spirit of the Ring arrived just as clandestinely as he/it absconded; if it weren't for the (usually obvious) changes in scenery, Ryou might never know that he had been possessed. The Spirit was like that. The Millennium Ring's thaumaturgy was… crazy. Not evil, just… crazy.
The Spirit, however odd it sounded, wasn't all bad to any extent. As noted before, mou hitori no Bakura was merely crazy, not evil. His avarice stemmed from a thirst for revenge which stemmed from a childhood trauma (and no, his mother did not hit him with a brick). Sometimes the Spirit would even regale Ryou with tales of his extant memories. Granted, nearly all these memories ending with the tomb robber killing somebody and sometimes the subplots ran together like... runny... paint, but they were pretty cool anyway. Ryou and the Spirit could exist in aberrant comity… most of the time.