Author: SofaKing
Disclaimer: I've gone further than not owning just Harry Potter, I also don't own "Mirror, Mirror, How amazing is my figure?" And anyone who doesn't know who it's from sucks and doesn't deserve to know that it's from From First To Last. I don't own J.K. Rowling, either.
Summary: "I'll be there for you every morning, 'cause I love you." A morning's excursion...
Rating: PG(-13, high)
Couple: For those who have been waiting... Wait a little bit longer... Wait for it... Wait for it... GILDEROY LOCKHART / GILDEROY LOCKHART! Not one person guessed that...
Genre: Humor/Romance
Title: "Here's To You, Sexy"
Feedback: I've changed my mind. I like your opinion. It's nice.
A/N: I'm surprised, and I hadn't planned on continuing, but I've made this due to request. And Susan Bones being a Slash fan is an indirect reference to something by Trephine Lady, but I doubt it will ever be published or made public anywhere or in any way.
He-Who-Went-to-Beauxbatons
I sighed.
How long had we been together?
It's just... So tragic.
I'm sobbing and tearing and I can't stop.
We... Can never be together again. I can only hold the shards of what we once had, only see these broken pieces.
Yes, that's right, kiddies...
I can never ask my one love that question. Never let (her/it/him) know how much I love (her/it/him).
Anyone who's wondering, what is that question?
Well, it's special. It's something you could only ask someone if you have a special bond, a connection with.
"Mirror, Mirror, How amazing is my figure?"
Do you want to hear the story?
Well, I was teaching class...
I can't even begin the story without my voice cracking, that's how bad it was.
Those students were "just playing," or so they claim, but I resent them for tearing me from my love.
Right now I am mourning by looking at my reflection in the lake.
But I can't see very much, as I've been here for a couple of hours and it's really, really dark now.
I think I'll think of a thoughtful poem.
Those damn kids broke my mirror,
I could have killed them with my leer.
I gave them detention with Snape for a fortnight,
Because I knew what they did was very not right,
And if anyone else had seen them, what a sight,
They ran, before I could get their names, with all of their might.
I can't concentrate on my poem with all that rustling beside me in that shrub.
God, some people are just so inconsiderate, they won't even leave me alone to grieve, because everybody must have my autograph.
Sometimes being a heartthrob just isn't worth it.
Who the hell am I kidding? It's awesome!
What is this kid wearing? Doesn't he know that it's not cool to dress up like a Death Eater?
Oh, wait...
Shit.
"Hey, I don't like being abducted by Death Eaters." I state in a way that I hope makes me sound powerful.
The Death Eater is looking at me funny, and so I assume that that didn't work out so well.
He grabbed me and dragged me to a portkey -- a book called Barry Trotter and the Unauthorized Parody -- and we were immediately moved to...
About three feet away, where they were holding a Death Eater convention.
I could have gotten away, of course, I just didn't try.
Anywhooo, the Dark Lord was addressing several other "guests," like myself.
"So, Rowling, we meet again. Very formidable, you are, but I am more powerful! Now tell me everything you know about Harry Potter!"
The circle of Death Eaters held her, to prevent attack on their Lord or possible escape.
"Well, I can't tell you anything, but feel free to buy my popular book series, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, the Chamber of Secrets, the Prisoner of Azkaban, the Goblet of Fire, the Order of the Phoenix, the Half-Blood Prince, and Book Seven."
Grumbling, You-Know-Who ordered the others to "throw her in the dungeon." The earth split in two, and Mrs. Rowling was sent to what I assumed was "the dungeon." However, I highly doubt that it actually was a dungeon.
I mean, it could have been anything.
It could have been, I dunno, just a hollow of the earth.
And, y'know, it could have just been a dungeon.
Susan Bones was now being questioned.
"I don't know much about Harry, but I know he's not gay. I can tell you about Blaise Zabini and Zacharias Smith, they have really juicy love lives. They've been meeting in the library for about two years, three months, eleven days, twelve hours, and thirteen minutes. I hear they're about to go public!"
He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named looked at her funny, a little bit like that Death Eater looked at me, and flicked his wrist at his servants.
She giggled all the way down to where ever it was that they all go ('cause it might not be a dungeon.)
"Lockhart, you beautiful idiot... What do you know about Harry Potter?"
I was greatly offended and only a little bit complimented.
I already knew I was beautiful, but what's this about idiot?
That was a scandal!
"I'll never break! I'll never tell you!" I exclaimed, only to hear a few snickers around me. My great opposition went unappreciated. I was hurt.
And then I was hurt even more, but this time physically as I was dropped into what turned out to be an actual dungeon.
Huh.
Go figure.
A/N: Surprised? Offended? Hurt? Mentally wounded? Got your IQ to drop by at least ten? Great! Please review, because I'll love you even more than I don't right now!
anonymous- no... But that would be funny to see.
aBLONDERhErMiOnE- no, silly, Malfoys not in love with himself! He's in love with... Well, his mirror, but also Ginny!
hillary- hells yes it is the "funnyest" story you've ever read. I'm so mean! SOOOOOOOOOOORRYYYY! I love you anyway, you handsome sex-pot, you.
Trephine-Lady- moron.
QueenOfWands- now are you sure that you wanted me to continue?
Nikki Flinn- thank you and update your story more! It's great!
Potata Couch- the yeahness of you is always right, so I guess we can just pretend it's Harry!
Derek Rain- now you don't have to worry about liking a standalone! You just have to worry about liking this story.
Socra- I would never be mean to Draco! Okay, maybe sometimes, and a little bit... But not like that!