Author: SofaKing

Disclaimer: In the words of Eisley "I'm just like you, I know you know." So, unless you're J.K. Rowling, I don't own you.

Summary: "I'll be there for you every morning, 'cause I love you." A morning's excursion... To the mirror.

Rating: PG-13

Couple: Gilderoy Lockhart / Gilderoy Lockhart / (suggested) Voldemort

Genre: Humor/Romance

Title: "Here's To You, Sexy"

Feedback: Give me your opinion and I'll keep it forever and I'll cherish it! Even if it's not nice, in which case I will keep it forever and cherish it but I will pretend like I lost it.

A/N: Yes, the whole "wandless legimancy? Legilimency? LegililililililimAEncy?" thing was a way to put aside how I don't know how to spell that.

I'm alive! Just wanted you to know.

Can I Break Yet?

So, the dungeon that was a dungeon, in detail.

It was dark, dank, and most definately a dungeon.

I'm stuck in a cell with Jo and Susan (we're friends, as they both know a lot about me. Kinda disturbing, because Susan only seems to know about homosexuals...).

There's nothing around me, other than them and the guards (two pompous Death Eaters), and this dog, Snuffles.

Really cute, actually (or "KYUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTE!" in Susan's words).

Nothing else -- oh, wait, we got our first guest.

"SQUEAL!" Susan proclaimed (yes, that's right, she didn't squeal, merely proclaimed), "ZACHARIAS!"

Kind of odd, that she'd have spoken of him as if he weren't there a couple of minutes ago, but he'd been standing right next to her.

She immediately flung herself onto him, on her knees, and arms around his waist.

We spoke for awhile, about me, and nothing, and me.

I was shoked and offended!

Zacharias didn't know anything about me! He was in my class, it was required reading!

I scoffed in the corner untill our next guest came in.

Oddly enough, I'd never pinned the Dark Lord as the kind of person to hold himself as a hostage.

Jo squealed (yes, actually, damn normal bint) and snaked her arms around his neck.

"Voldie, my BABY!"

I gasped, not at the shocking display, but in mock horror (teehee, I'm a DRAMA QUEEN!). "The Dark Lord! What are you doing in your own dungeon?"

He nonchalantly flicked his wrist at me (oooh, Blaise joined us!) and replied, "it was an accident. And please, call me Voldie, I'm quiet fond of it, Roy."

Roy? Where did that come from?

There's no "Roy" in my name!

Oh, wait...

Gilde - Roy, Lockhart.

Sorry, I was just thinking of "Lockhart."

I gave him my best impression of the look Death Eaters often give people who they think are crazy -- or, now that I think about it, maybe it was the same Death Eater and none of the others do that -- but that probably didn't turn out well...

'Cause he gave me a look identical to the others, who I decided were two different people, and I also decided that it was probably a "dark side" thing.

I really should learn that.

I could do that to my friends and then they'd think I'm so cool -- oh, wait, they already do! -- and my students would love me -- more! -- and I could sell a book about something I can actually do!

I'm so excited!

Or, rather, I was.

Before I realized there were more pressing matters. And while a little voice in the back of my head kindly reminded me more important than your looks? I think not! I purposely ignore the distinct voice and stared at Voldemort, who was giving me the look tenfold.

I guess what I was thinking was reflected on my face.

Wow, the Dark Lord has great empathy!

Or, y'know, maybe wandless legimancy? Legilimency? LegililililililimAEncy? I dunno how to pronounce that...

I think Snape can do that.

He's soooo cool and cold and eeewww he needs to wash his hair!

Anywhooo, "Voldie" was once again looking at me funny and I decided that until I could do that, I'd settle for smiling my oh-so-kick-ass-charm-your-pants-off(literally) grin.

He giggled and threw himself away from Jo (who scowled defiantly), jumping on me.

"Teehee, can I have your autograph?"

Sometimes I find it hard to believe that this is really the Dark Lord, the Voldemort, the one who killed Harry's parents and nearly Harry himself.

Aww, well, I don't like Potter much anyway.

"I didn't kill anyone!" Voldie proclaimed poutilly.

It was, actually, kind of cute, and I no longer blame Jo for her odd tastes.

Then it hit me. Did he just...?

WANDLESS WHATEVER-THE-HELL-IT-IS!

"What do you mean?"

Voldie looked guiltily around to see the look on Jo's face.

"Okay, so maybe a little bit..."

Jo went over to pat his head. "Good boy!"

Good boy? We are cleary dealing with a madman.

Woman.

Whatever.

A/N: Confused much? I didn't mean to make this one this short, but I just had a really, really wierd day and I wanted to finish this chapter really soon!

Hillary- You've long since started to annoy me. But I'll ever forever love you! Wierd that that makes sense, isn't it? "Ever forever." "Ever forever." "Ever forever," "Ever forever." "Ever forever.""Ever forever.""Ever forever.""Ever forever.""Ever forever.""Ever forever.""Ever forever." Just goes to show how bored I am.

Queen of Wands - We-he-hell. Hell. Hell. Interesting. You're crazy, lady!

Trephine-Lady- I know where to murder you from! For no apparent reason, but... You remember, right?

erickackacka - you is a loozer, me need talk stoopid to you. Okie facey day? Just kidding, I'll pretend like I love you!

So little reviews! Unloved is feeling me!