CSI: Miami Abridged
Hello, and welcome to CSI: Miami Abridged. This is where episodes and characters of the show get smashed and verbally abused in the name of comedy. I got the idea from some dude who does Broadway Abridged. Guess what he makes fun of. To some, it's poking fun at musicals, but to me it's pure genius because the dude can rant his frustrations over a musical in a creative manner and doesn't involve killing the actors. I decided to do the same with CSI: Miami.
In case you couldn't tell, I have issues with CSI, its spinoffs, and Jerry Bruckheimer. Actually, I have a love-hate issue with Jerry Bruckheimer. I love his idea of CSI and showing the people out there how crimes are solved and the use of science and technology. What I hate is that he Hollywoodized it. (The true CSI and their relations with the detectives is accurately portrayed in Law & Order. Thank you, Dick Wolf.) Real CSI's don't carry guns (unless the dude is terrified of going out at night), they don't walk around crime scenes sporting the latest clothes or hairdo's, and they don't have any contact with the suspects unless they have a warrant for a DNA sample or are searching the home.
I know what you're thinking: "It's just a TV show, relax Witch!" I understand, and yes, I know it's just a TV show, but I also have every right to jest and poke fun. Which is all I'm doing. I have the First Amendment on my side. Now comes my disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the show. But I warn you: if you're so in love with the characters of CSI: Miami and can't stand any criticism, get the hell out. I won't make apologies unless I have to.
Now, on with the introduction of the Characters.
Horatio Caine, played by David Caruso: BEHOLD MY SUPERIORITY. BOW DOWN TO MY SUNGLASSES OR FLEE IN TERROR BEFORE I STRIKE "THE POSE". --he whips on his sunglasses, puts his hand on his hips and looks off to the side--
Witch: --clears throat-- um, right Caine. --gets straightjacket ready-- Next, we have Delko.
Eric Delko, played by Adam Rodriguez: Hi! I'm Hispanic, even though the actor that portrays me, Adam Rodriguez, doesn't understand a word of Spanish.
Witch: It's true people, I don't have the time or energy to make shit up anymore.
Timothy Speedle, played by Rory Cochrane: Hey, I'm an idiot that keeps forgetting to clean his gun (which according to Witch, I'm technically not supposed to have in my line of work.) Like Kenny from South Park, I'll die in every episode until I die for good in "Lost Son".
Witch: Thanks Speed! --snorts-- Speed. --snorts again-- I could use some right about now…
Speed: God, I'm so tired of that joke. I think I'll go shoot myself.-- points gun into mouth and pulls trigger. The gun catches because, as usual, he forgot to clean it. He starts looking for the cleaning kit--
Calleigh Dusqune, played by Emily Procter: Hello. Don't you love my fake Southern Accent? I like guns. I was abused all my childhood and now I speak in a monotone voice that puts everyone to sleep.
Witch: --snaps her head up and wipes the drool that escaped from her mouth while dozing-- Thanks, Dusqane.
Calleigh: Don't bother trying to spell my name. It's Southern and no one can spell it.
Witch: Right. Let's bring out the coroner.
Alexx Woods, played by Khandi Alexander: Hey, baby! I talk to dead bodies! I should've got that part in "The Sixth Sense", but that brat Haley Joel Osment took it. The idiot M. Night Shyamalan though he was cuter! --sulks off to a corner to obsess about killing Osment--
Witch: Next, we have the detectives.
Frank Tripp, played by Rex Linn: I stay in the interview room with the CSI to make it look like real life. I also had more personality in Rush Hour.
Witch: --screws face in confusion-- Rush Hour? I thought you were in Beverly Hills Cop… huh. Anyway, let's move on.
Yelina Salas, played by Sofia Milos: I married Caine's little brother, Raymond. Things get awkward because no one knows if Horatio and I are in love or not.
Witch: Thanks guys. Now, I'll introduce two special characters that will come in from time to time.
Ryan Wolfe, played by Jonathan Togo: Hey! I come in for Speed when he dies. I create a lot of unnecessary tension in fics because I replace Speed. Since everyone likes him, no one likes me.
--Speed looks up from cleaning his gun-- People like me? Hmmm, maybe I won't kill myself. --unfortunately, as he puts the gun down, it discharges and he is shot in the chest and goes down.--
Witch: Looks like you're up, Wolfe. --Wolfe grins-- By the way, you look ridiculous in uniform.-- his grin fades--
FanFic Calleigh, created by the authors in Fan Fiction: Hey Guys! Thanks for creating me! I come from all the Horatio/Calleigh fics that you wrote! I'm much more interesting than my counterpart because I show emotions. I also break down and cry whenever Horatio is hurt, which happens a lot in H/C fics.
--Speed, having magically come back to life like Kenny, hops up and picks up the gun. It fires, hitting Horatio--
FF Calliegh: NNNNOOOOOOO! MY SNOOKUMS BABY! --runs off bawling at the top of her lungs--
Witch: Come back, FF Calliegh! Caine will be fine; he has to be in order to be in the fanfics. Besides, with the exception of Speed here, the main characters never die.
Main Characters: REALLY!
Witch: Unless they really piss me off, like Sara Sidle of CSI. --whips out picture of a dead Sara Sidle--
--all Main Characters bow down in submission to Witchbsword--
Witch: It's good to be the Queen! --clears throat-- Well, there you have it, folks. The characters of CSI: Miami Abridged. Due to scholarship essays that I must write and lack of CSI: Miami DVDs, there won't actually be an episode yet. But never fear! Thanks to Netflix (there's some nice product placement for you guys), I'll be getting some DVDs soon and one will be up shortly. If you want me to spoof your favorite episode, IM me and send me either the episode script or a ripped video and I'll do my best.
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