Disclaimer: Star Wars is a registered trademark of Twentieth Century Fox and Lucasfilm, Ltd. The Creepy Burger King is a registered trademark of... well, that should be obvious.

Chapter 3

In Soviet Russia, Whopper Eats You

It was a cold summer day in the remote world of Lue, a small planet that's composed almost entirely of total loony lechers. The government of this planet is so perversely crazy, they passed laws from legalizing marriage to one's own hand to legalizing nudity in public places. If fact, many people's religion on this planet find wearing any underwear a sin. Their world flag is even a picture of Goatse (you don't want to know what Goatse is). It's a planet sunk so far down the gutter, no wonder they haven't gotten many tourists.

One particular attraction in the planet Lue is the newly opened Burger King restaurant down 69th street and Quagmire Avenue. This particular Burger King is famous for having its own mascot greeting the customers and advertising their products. This mascot was notorious for wearing a rubber mask with a creepy smile, unblinking eyes, and a crown with the Burger King logo on it. Naturally, the mascot made this particular Burger King the most popular restaurant on the planet.

Today, however, just wasn't the mascot's day. He had to do several commercials of himself in bed with someone else, which completely ruined his image, and he even ended up on the HoloNet with the caption, "Where is your God now?" Yes, he was completely tired of the sudden reputation he was given, and he was tired of his job. Therefore, while he was at work greeting the customers, he gave himself a big drink he snuck with him to work, and he wound up drunk off his ass.

"Hello!" he said in his drunken voice while forcefully hugging one of the customers. "Don't you just LOOOOOOVE my Whopper? Don't you just want to eat it all over?"

"Ewww," said the customer as she slapped him in the face. "The commercials were right, you ARE a creep!"

"I know you are, but what am I?" retorted the mascot, as he latched onto the customer tightly, nuzzling against her chest. He was then returned the favor with a kick in the crotch and a boot to the outside world.

"And STAY out!" she said, while the rest of the customers booed.

The mascot was barely able to stand up, let alone stay conscious. Yes, today just wasn't his day. He kept on thinking that it couldn't get any worse than this, as he walked over to the dumpster to vomit out leftover chicken sandwiches and milkshakes. When the deed was done, he looked up only to find what looked like a shooting star coming toward him.

"Oh, look!" he said, running toward the star. "Now my dreams will come true once and for all! I wish I didn't have to put up with this job any longer!"

He got his wish in a really roundabout way. The shooting star turned out to be an escape pod launched from a fallen Republic cruiser. When the drunken king of burgers made his wish, the pod came crashing down on him, breaking every bone in his body and instantly killing him.

Naturally, when the customers saw their 'beloved' mascot get crushed to death, they came outside and crowded around the escape pod. They saw the hatch open, and out stepped a young, dark-haired man, no older than 18. He was dressed in what could only be described as Jedi robes, although he clearly had no lightsaber. He stood confused, wondering if the people on this planet had nothing better to do than watch falling objects in the sky.

"What?" Kinbu Wamia asked. "Don't you know a lost soul when you see one?"

One of the customers stepped to the front of the line, looking rather furious. "You killed our mascot, you rogue son of a bitch!"

"Yeah, go back to the Jedi temple!" exclaimed another angry customer. "You rogues need a good spanking!"

"Killed?" said Kinbu. "Wait, you mean to tell me this escape pod landed on that creepy king just now?"

"Don't play innocent with us, nerfherder!" yelled yet another customer. "He was the finest mascot the Burger King franchise ever had!"

"Yeah, what has he ever done to you?" yelled customer number two.

"Look, I'm sorry for your mascot, but there's no reason to hate me over something that wasn't under my control, so if you just-" started Kinbu, just as a tender crisp chicken sandwich crossed paths with his face. "Oh, seriously, who throws a sandwich? Honestly."

"Come on, fellow Luesers! Let's show this filthy rogue he messed with the wrong planet!" said angry customer number one, as the crowd threw random belongings at poor Kinbu.

"Stop it!" said Kinbu. "You think this is supposed to be FUNNY?"

"No," said customer number three, "but this is!" Having that said, he went up behind Kinbu, with at least five others following him, and they all poured a bottle of ranch dressing all over his head.

"Look! Bukkake!" screamed the third customer, while the whole crowd pointed and laughed.

This made Kinbu extremely furious. He just escaped from a couple bounty hunters and lost a dear friend in the process, and no one even shared any sympathy toward him. Now he is the epitome of public humiliation, and all because of an act of involuntary manslaughter on his behalf. He secretly wished he had died in the cruiser along with Donovan.

"Please, stop this madness," said Kinbu while crouching down to his knees, as the crowd continued to laugh. Just then, the manager, watching over the whole crowd from the inside, decided to stand out and sort this whole mess out.

"Okay, what's going on?" said the manager, pushing his way to the front of the line. "Let me guess, this escape pod managed to land on our mascot. Is that why you're so angry?"

"And that rogue Jedi over there is responsible!" yelled a random member of the crowd.

"Is this true?" asked the manager, looking toward Kinbu's direction.

"I swear, it was an accident!" answered Kinbu. "I never intended to-"

"I've heard enough," said the manager. "Okay, here's what I'll do. Since this rogue Jedi killed our beloved mascot-"

"KILL HIM WITH FIRE!" yelled customer number one.

"Yes, and we'll all piss on the ashes!" exclaimed the second customer, as a loud chant of "KILL HIM! KILL HIM!" began to engulf the crowd.

"SHUT UP, YOU WORTHLESS HAGS!" yelled the manager, as the crowd silenced. "That's better. Now, based on what happened, it's only fair that we punish him by making him our new Burger King mascot!"

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?" screamed Kinbu, along with the rest of the crowd.

"I can't work here!" yelled Kinbu. "I'm a rogue Jedi! I can't risk my safety over a job!"

"Yeah, and he doesn't deserve to live the life of our holiest of ad campaigns!" yelled customer number three.

"My decision stands, people," stated the manager, "so you customers don't like it, eat somewhere else, and if my employees don't like it, you're all fired. Now I suggest you all come back inside and enjoy yourselves." With that said, the crowd slowly went back inside, with Kinbu still standing there.

"Now, rogue-"

"My name is Kinbu," said Kinbu.

"Whatever. I suggest you do take this job. You'll be hidden in a mask, so no one will know you're a rogue, anyway. Trust me, you'll be safer here than on the run."

"How can I trust you, though?"

"Well, you should consider the fact that I know the truth about your lifestyle. Therefore, I can turn you over to the officials just like that, and you'll be put away. So, come to think of it, it's not an issue of trust at all, it's blackmail The choice is yours, Kinbu."

Kinbu couldn't help but growl at the manager. "Fine, have it your way. I'll be your damned mascot, but you can't make me like it."

The manager smiled. "That's more like it."

The next day, Kinbu was already at his new job, moaning about his creepy king costume. All day long he got a lot of angry stares from the customers, and the heat from the mask didn't help much either. To make things worse, he overheard the rest of the employees plotting to do even more embarrassing things to him, such as showing holograms of the King standing naked beside each of the windows, and even making a giant statue of the King, also naked, but not anatomically correct. One of the customers even spilled lemonade all over his pants, giving the illusion that he wet himself. Yet all he could do was stand there and continue to act like a human advertisement.

"Welcome to Burger King," said Kinbu monotonously, waving his hand as if he was performing a Jedi mind trick. "You want a bite of my new grilled double Whopper."

One of the customers overheard Kinbu, and decided to step up to him, looking rather furious. "Double Whopper? Dude, are you coming on to me?"

"What? NO!" said Kinbu. "I was just telling you to have a bite of my sandwich! Is that so much to ask?"

"Ewww, you sick, creepy freak show!" said the customer. "Say that line again. I dare you, no, I DOUBLE dare you, bitch, say I want your Whopper one more damn time!"

"Ummmm," said Kinbu nervously, "you want my Whopper?"

"I thought so," said the angry customer as he wrapped his hand around Kinbu's neck and begun to strangle him while punching his face with his other hand. "DON'T! EVER! SAY! I! WANT! YOUR! WHOPPER! AGAIN! GOT IT?"

After the customer let go, Kinbu collapsed on the floor, cursing whatever gods put him in this hellhole, and eventually passed out. Afterwards, one of the employees, a silver-haired elderly man, walked up to the unconscious Kinbu and dragged him to the employee lounge. He then sat down and waited for about ten minutes until Kinbu finally woke up.

"Owwww," cried Kinbu, as he coughed up blood from his mouth.

"Oh, quit complaining," said the old man, wiping Kinbu's mouth with a napkin. "I have lightsaber scars much worse than your injury."

"Easy for you to-" said Kinbu instinctively before he caught himself, "wait, lightsaber scars? You're not a Jedi Knight, are you?"

"Retired Jedi Master, actually. I can sympathize with you, as this place really is a lewd wasteland, even worse than Nar Shadaa. My name is Qui-Lex Foren, by the way."

"Qui-Lex, huh? And just what are you doing in this wasteland, anyway?"

"I'm currently in hiding. There's a war going on throughout the galaxy, you know, and I'm much too old to take part in it, so what better place to hide than a total slum that not even the Hutts would touch with a forty-foot pole?"

"You're not like the rest of these people, are you?"

"The Luesers? No, I'm nothing like them. Those people are notorious for masturbating to banthas giving birth to Siamese twins. I swear, it's complete anarchy in here."

"Eww," said Kinbu, wanting to vomit after that unpleasant picture in his head. "Just tell me why you're even bothering with me as if I was worth the time."

"All right, I'll cut to the chase," said Qui-Lex. "The manager told me all about your rogue Jedi lifestyle, and I've decided I should start training you as an apprentice. I know you already have a lot of skills in the Jedi arts, and I think there's little more you can learn from me."

"You've got to be kidding me. I was the worst in my class, hell, I even stole lightsabers from members of the Council and sold them on Ebay."

"Watch your language, young Jedi. Not even the Luesers would go out and use the E-word like that."

"Sorry. Anyway, what makes you think you won't go crazy with me as an apprentice?"

"I've trained rogue Jedi before, and if I can stay sane on this planet for about a month, I can certainly handle one misbehaved rogue. So what do you say?"

"Can I have my own lightsaber?"

Qui-Lex responded by reaching into his pocket and pulling out a lightsaber made out of solid gold. "This belonged to my old apprentice before he got killed by some rogue terrorists. It's yours if you agree to train under me."

"Sweet!" exclaimed Kinbu, shaking Qui-Lex's hand. "I'll try not to make you regret this. I'll be happy to be your apprentice."

"That's all I needed to hear. Now you better get back to work, and try not to get beaten up again." Having that said, Qui-Lex tossed the lightsaber to Kinbu, as Kinbu caught it and headed out the door.

'What a perfect day,' thought Kinbu, as he endured the harassment from the customers throughout the day.