Chapter 6: Lost Cause

When he told her what happened with Teresa she offered quiet condolences and retreated to her bedroom, where she sat on her bed and felt partially responsible for the way Ryan was feeling. She had even more reason to wish that she had talked Teresa into having an abortion. Sandy was thrashing around next to her, but instead of retreating to one of the guest rooms she laid down next to him and held his hand to calm him down. It was something that surprisingly always worked.

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Sandy was working and Ryan ducked his head in and told her that he was going to visit Marissa, so she was home alone. The house to herself again. Except now it didn't feel quite so unbearable. She had taken the day off, and after an hour was bored out of her mind. She had never been more excited to hear the phone ring.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Kirsten." She hadn't spoken to Jimmy Cooper since he and Hailey had broken up two months before.

"Jimmy, hi." She couldn't help but be excited, sitting down at the kitchen table and biting back a smile. "How are you?"

"I'm good. I'm fine. How are you?"

"I'm...Ryan's home!" This made perfect sense to her.

"Really? That's great."

"He's actually with Marissa right now."

"No...he isn't."

"What do you mean?"

"Marissa's in New Hampshire," Jimmy explained slowly, sounding hoarse. "She...she hit a rough patch. With her drinking. She's spending six months there. Rehab and boarding school."

"Oh, my god, Jimmy. I'm so sorry. When did this...when did she...I mean, were you..."

"Two weeks ago. Julie found her passed out in the hot tub."

"Oh, god." That, Kirsten realized, explained Julie's little speech about teenage drama. She was avoiding teenage drama of her own. "She's going to be okay?"

"She could have drowned," Jimmy said with his ironic laughter. "I don't know. The place is supposed to be...good. Really good. Best in the country. So we'll see."

"I'm sorry, Jimmy."

"Hey, what about you? Any word from—,"

"Not yet."

"Oh, Kirsten, he—,"

"You want to go get some coffee?" she asked, fully certain that she couldn't tolerate another uninformed person assuring her that her son wasn't dead.

"God, yeah. That's why I was calling. You want to meet at the pier? Go for a walk? Like old times?" Kirsten was not fond of references to 'old times', but she agreed, and an hour later she was meeting Jimmy on the pier. He hugged her when he saw her and it felt good, she decided. They could bond over their fucked-up children. She mentally cursed herself for associating 'Seth' and 'fuck', and Jimmy must have noticed her dismay because he put a casual arm around her as they walked along.

"So, how're you doing?" She shrugged, discreetly moving out of his grasp.

"I'm fine."

"You heard from Hailey lately?"

"She went to Tokyo right after you guys broke up."

"She didn't stick around? Because of Seth?"

"I don't need a babysitter," she said this more lightly than she would have liked to.

"But Ryan's back," Jimmy said, sensing her touchiness. "That's fantastic."

"It is," she nodded.

"He's a good kid."

"Yeah."

"I feel bad that I wasn't the one to tell him about Marissa. Julie can be..."

"Julie," Kirsten completed, smiling slightly. "It's not your fault. I feel like I should have known. I'm a little surprised that I didn't know," she said pointedly.

"I was too...messed up to call you. I've been a wreck for a month. I'm finally regaining composure. I didn't want you to see me...like I was."

"Well, I'm glad you finally called me." She wasn't going to lecture him because she had done the same thing. Sandy could see her with streaked mascara and one of Seth's t-shirts, but Jimmy Cooper couldn't, because there would always be something about him.

"So am I." He smiled at her and she felt claustrophobic even though the ocean stretched out for miles just feet away from her. "How's Sandy been doing?" She sighed and rubbed her arms.

"He's Sandy. He has the ability to make everything seem okay."

"Is that...a good thing or a bad thing?"

"Good thing," she answered quickly, and saw more truth in it the more she considered it. Even though he probably kind of hated her, Sandy made everything hurt just a little bit less.

"Yeah, well, that's good," Jimmy said. "It's good that something like this...I mean, it really says something about a marriage if it can withstand what you guys are going through."

"I guess."

"You guess?"

"It's hard," she admitted.

"The way you hold up during times like these...I think it's amazing. It's really admirable." An uncomfortable silence settled over them and Jimmy awkwardly clapped his hands. "So, Hailey," he said. "I've been wanting to talk to you about Hailey."

"As if there isn't enough drama," Kirsten smirked, rolling her eyes. "What about her?"

"I never really...apologized."

"Why would you need to apologize?"

"She's your little sister, Kirsten." Kirsten waved an indifferent hand.

"It's over and done."

"But it was totally disrespectful to you. We have such a history and for me to just—,"

"I'm married, Jimmy. You can date whoever you want. It was twenty years ago. If I was still holding onto that, there would be something seriously wrong with me."

"It's just..." he laughed, looking embarrassed. "Forget it. Julie was right."

"Right about what?" She stopped walking to look at him, noticed that he was blushing and deliberately looking away.

"Transference," he said with a sigh.

"What do you mean?" He looked down at her.

"I was with Hailey because I couldn't be with you." This was spoken with such sincerity, such affection, that for a moment she was back in high school and she didn't notice that anything was wrong when he took her head in his hands and kissed her. She quickly came to her senses, though, and pulled away.

"Oh, my god." She couldn't believe this. "Again. You did this...again. God. What the hell are you...do you think, ever?" She turned and left him there, feeling sick and unclean and wrong. Because for a split second there, she was kissing him back.

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By the time she got home she had regained composure. When she pulled into the driveway she vigorously rubbed the lipstick off of her mouth and reapplied it, ridding herself of any and all traces of Jimmy Cooper. She felt vile. He hadn't chased after her, but three messages were waiting on her cell phone. She promptly deleted them without listening and went inside to the kitchen.

"Ryan?" she called out, wondering if and when he had found out about Marissa. The lights were on in the pool house and so she went out to check on him. She started to open the door. "Ryan, honey, I just heard about—,"

Of course he couldn't just be sitting there. Reading a comic book, maybe, or playing video games. No. Because that would just be too normal. Too okay. Things, apparently, were not allowed to go okay for Kirsten these days. That, she decided, was why Ryan was lying on his bed, making out with Summer. Summer screamed and Ryan leapt off of the bed and Kirsten felt horribly nauseous and quickly closed the door again. Ryan was not kissing her son's girlfriend. Ryan was not kissing her son's girlfriend. Ryan was not kissing her son's girlfriend.

"Um, hi, Mrs. Cohen. I haven't seen you in awhile." Summer was standing behind her. Ryan was kissing her son's girlfriend.

"Hi, Summer," Kirsten whispered. She'd always liked Summer. So much.

"Sorry. About that. About...um...sorry. I love your purse. Is that Kate Spade?" Kirsten didn't answer. "Right," Summer chirped. "I'm really sorry. I'm gonna go. Nice to see you." She walked away quickly and Kirsten sensed Ryan standing behind her. She didn't turn around, staring over into the pool.

"Kirsten, I—,"

"Yeah. No. I'm just...going to go inside."

"Kirsten, let me—," She spun around to face him.

"You could have any girl in Newport, Ryan. Why did you have to choose my son's girlfriend?" He almost cringed because the word 'son' had such an edge to it. Seth was her son. Ryan wasn't. "This is just what you do, then? Take your pick with whatever girl you feel like being with? He loves her, Ryan. That's the only girl he's ever loved. He sees you as his brother. You couldn't take that into consideration for a second?" And there it was again. Hit him like an anvil. Ryan was the recluse. The juvenile felon staying in the pool house. The day his mother had left him with the Cohens, Kirsten had turned to him and clasped her hands together.

"I don't know how much of a 'real mom' I am, Ryan, but I'd like a shot if you'd like to give me one."

He had given her one and she had taken it and they had clicked. And now she was walking inside, away from him, and he knew that it was ruined.

Your sorry eyes cut through bone
They make it hard to leave you alone
Leave you here wearing your wounds
Waving your guns at somebody new
Baby you're lost
Baby you're lost
Baby you're a lost cause

There's too many people you used to know
They see you coming
They see you go
They know your secrets and you know theirs
This town is crazy
Nobody cares

Baby you're lost
Baby you're lost
Baby you're a lost cause

I'm tired of fighting
I'm tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause

--Beck, "Lost Cause"

Okay! See what I mean about the melodrama? So...I tried! Did I fail miserably? Let me know; leave me a review! ;) Thanks for reading!

xoxo