Chapter 8: Say You Miss Me

Several hours later, Kirsten's guilt had gotten to the point where she couldn't stand it anymore. And when Sandy poked his head into the room where she was working to ask her if she would drink any decaf, she lost it.

"Jimmy Cooper kissed me," she said quietly.

"I know," he replied, rolling his eyes. "You told me. Both of you, actually. Not exactly my fondest of memories."

"No. Again. He kissed me again." Sandy's silence made her more afraid than an outburst would have, she thought. "This afternoon, he kissed me and I left right away...but I thought you should know."

"Did you kiss him back?" Sandy's voice was hollow.

"I...don't think so."

"How do you not know?"

"It happened so fast, I..."

"How does this happen, Kirsten? It's not that hard to not kiss someone."

"I pulled away!"

"Kind of a coincidence, though. Two accidental kisses with your ex-boyfriend within six months. I mean, that's pretty bizarre. Some luck, huh?"

"Sandy, please don't get like this."

"Of course. I shouldn't react," Sandy said coldly.

"He's an impulsive guy, Sandy! And he's going through a rough time...and I left! It's not like I—"

"Oh. I forgot that he was going through a rough time. Good point. Maybe you could sleep at his place tonight. Since he's got so much to deal with."

"Sandy!"

"There was sexual tension between me and Rachel and you know what I did, Kirsten? I put in a request, specifically so I wouldn't be working any more cases with her. I threw out a good friendship with the woman who got me my job because I love you that much and I wouldn't want anything to come between us. It's clear that the feeling isn't mutual."

"Of course it is, Sandy!"

"That's why you may or may not have kissed him back? Which, by the way, means that you did."

"I was confused, Sandy. It lasted a second. Not even."

"But you kissed him back," Sandy said flatly.

"I was confused!" she said again. "It's just been so long since...anything."

"And whose fault is that? You shut down, Kirsten. You shut me out."

"I'm sorry," she said, sounding more desperate than she wanted to.

"I don't think that works the second time around," Sandy snapped, and he stormed out of the room. She sat, crying for a moment, feeling pathetic and disgusting and awful, and then decided that she needed some fresh air and stepped into the backyard. She got outside just in time to see Ryan jogging towards the pool house.

"Ryan?" she called softly, and he stopped and turned to face her.

"Hey," he said. "Uh, sorry. I was just...getting a drink."

"Where is it?" She looked at his empty hands and his eyes darted anxiously.

"I...I guess I..."

"How much did you hear?" she asked tiredly.

"Not much," he said quickly.

"All of it?"

"I just wanted a drink," he muttered.

"Well, there's an explanation for part of my anger from earlier," she said evenly. "I know what it's like to kiss someone that you're not supposed to be kissing, I guess." He looked uncomfortable and she cleared her throat. "I'm sorry you had to hear that."

"It's okay. I should have gone back outside." She shrugged, looked away, and perched on a deck chair. Ryan turned to go back to the pool house, but he forced himself to stop and face her again. "Kirsten?"

"Yeah." She sounded so empty, so weary.

"I'm really sorry about...what you saw. It's not going to happen again. We weren't thinking." She nodded.

"Okay."

"And I'm sorry about Seth. I don't know if I've said that to you yet. I'm really sorry that he left. I'm sorry that you're so sad." She forced a smile at him.

"It's not even close to being your fault. But thank you."

I've been sleeping alone, out on my own
I'm sure it seems like I'm taking my time to get back to you
You've been doing your part, working real hard
I'm not lying, sure it seems like I'm trying to get back at you

Do you miss me too?
Baby say I'll miss you
Just say you miss me too

I've been losing my mind, wasting my time
I'm not crazy, sure it seems like I'm lazin' up to get back to you
You've been taking it hard, I know it's hard
I'm not lying, sure it seems like I'm trying to get back at you

Do you miss me too?
Baby, say I'll miss you
Just say you miss me too

--Wilco, "Say You Miss Me"