This chapter title belongs to the Strokes, their vast collection of vintage t-shirts, and their unwashed hair! ;)
xoxo
Chapter 15: The Way It Is
Dr. Mercer was smarmy and wiry and wearing an unfortunate bowtie, but they gave him the benefit of the doubt and sat on his leather couch.
"We're just...on-edge. Our lives have basically been...well, not smooth sailing, but pretty standard. I don't really know how to deal with what's going on," Sandy explained to the best of his abilities during their third session. "We both sort of reverted to a safe mode. For Kirsten, that's being busy. She's neurotic and she's upset, but she gets into her work and distracts herself."
"And how do you deal with it?" Dr. Mercer asked.
"I don't know," Sandy said thoughtfully. "I mean...he's on my mind twenty-four hours a day, but I've got work and I've got my family. I guess I get caught up with that, too."
"And what are your thoughts on this, Kirsten?"
"I don't know how I'm supposed to act," she said quietly, her hands folded in her lap.
"How you're supposed to act?" Dr. Mercer cocked his head and gestured for her to elaborate.
"There's...protocol. For all other sorts of situations, there are unwritten laws on how you're supposed to act. But this..." She sighed, sounding frustrated. "For this, I don't know whether I'm supposed to be grieving or frantic or...just okay with everything."
"Well, how do you feel like acting?"
"I don't know. I feel numb. Sometimes I feel like he's just out skateboarding or something and he'll be home in a few minutes, and then when I realize he's not I feel like I should be doing more. Or...feeling more."
"Do you think Seth's going to come back?" Dr. Mercer asked, and Kirsten froze. "Just your personal opinion. Your instincts."
"I...can't think about it like that."
"Like what?"
"I can't question it, because the possibility that he won't..." She trailed off, her voice hoarse.
"And you, Sandy?"
"A big part of me likes to think that he will," Sandy replied. "But these dreams that I have...I mean, they've gotta be saying something about what I'm really thinking, right?"
"Not necessarily." Dr. Mercer played with his pen. "Well, let me ask you this, then. Hypothetically, would you be surprised if Seth came home, do you think?"
"Yes," Sandy said softly.
"What about you, Kirsten?"
"I would." She nodded.
"So you're living these lives, getting on with your work, all while thinking that your son is most likely not coming home. Is that fair to say?" Sandy offered a slight shrug in response. "And how is this affecting your foster son?"
"Ryan's..." Sandy stopped, at a loss for words.
"We haven't really discussed it with him," Kirsten admitted.
"He's a pretty easygoing kid."
"Have you considered that maybe you should discuss it with him?" Dr. Mercer asked. "Maybe if all three of you address what's going on and how you're feeling about it, there'll be fewer eggshells to walk on."
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Kirsten was still fuming when she got home from work that evening, offended by what she viewed as Dr. Mercer's attack on her parenting skills.
"'Fewer eggshells'? What does that even mean?" she had angrily asked Sandy on their way out. "Who said anything about eggshells in the first place?" Now, though, she entered the kitchen and found Ryan standing at the stove, and she began to question her skepticism. Maybe he did need to talk about his feelings. Maybe they weren't offering him enough opportunities.
"Hey, sweetie," she greeted, setting down her briefcase.
"Hey." He gestured to the kitchen table. "Have a seat. I made dinner." She smiled, sliding into a chair.
"You cooked?"
"One of the perks of my lack of blood relation to this family." He grinned, setting a sandwich in front of her. "Grilled cheese. I hope that's okay. Sandy has a dinner tonight with the firm, so I thought..."
"Oh, this is great. Thanks, honey." He sat down across from her. "So, how was school? How's it going so far?"
"It's okay." He shrugged. "A little weird. I mean, I was never Harbor's most popular guy, but now that...um...you know, Luke and Marissa and...everyone are gone, it's pretty quiet for me." He wouldn't look at her and she realized that maybe Dr. Mercer was right after all. She wanted Ryan to feel comfortable saying Seth's name.
"Oh, Ryan, I'm sorry. I hadn't even...god. That's a hard school to find your place in, isn't it?"
"How did you do it when you went there?" he asked. She laughed a little, blushing.
"I didn't. I mean...I had Jimmy, and I had a few acquaintances, but I was quiet. Very quiet."
"You? Really? I mean, you seem so...social."
"It's something I grew into. Socializing as an adult is much easier than doing it at a private high school."
"That's a relief."
"I thought so." She smiled. "What about Summer? Have you seen her around?"
"We have a couple of classes together. It's nice."
"That's good."
"She has a boyfriend," Ryan said quietly, unsure of whether he was supposed to tell her this or not.
"Oh." Kirsten played with her napkin and then nodded firmly. "That's good. I mean...I'm happy that she's able to do that. Summer's a nice girl. She deserves to be happy."
"Yeah." Ryan gave her a small smile. She cleared her throat to break the awkward silence.
"This is an amazing grilled cheese. Seriously. We should have gotten you in on Sandy's restaurant. This could have been the sandwich that saved the Lighthouse."
"Glad you like it." They ate in silence for a few moments and then Kirsten stood up to get herself a glass of water. One she wasn't directly facing him and forced to make eye contact, she spoke.
"Do you think he's coming back, Ryan?"
"I...uh..." Ryan sputtered, furrowing his eyebrows. "You mean...Seth?"
"Yes. Seth." At once she felt bad for putting him on the spot. "I'm sorry. You don't have to answer that. I was trying to...our therapist said that we should get your insight on everything and...I've just made you totally uncomfortable. I'm sorry."
"No, it's okay," he said quickly. "You just...caught me off guard. I'm okay to talk about it." She sat back down with her drink.
"Really?" She smiled, relieved.
"Sure. I...yeah, Kirsten, I do think he's coming back."
"You do."
"Seth's smart. He knows how lucky he is."
"And you don't think he's..." The word 'dead' froze on her tongue, but Ryan knew what she was asking.
"I think he'll come home," he said firmly. "Eventually."
"It's really nice to hear you say that." Suddenly she paled and jumped from her seat. "Excuse me for just a second, Ryan." He watched her duck into the bathroom and winced as he heard her retching. He slowly followed her in and reached for her hair to hold it back. She finished and rinsed out her mouth, giving him a weak smile. "Thanks, honey. Sorry about that. I hope you won't take it personally. That really was the best grilled cheese ever." Ryan, not amused, watched her make her way back to her seat at the table.
"Kirsten, what's going on?"
"Nothing. I'm fine." She forced herself to sound animated but knew that he could see right though her.
"Sandy said this was going on a week ago."
"Yeah, I know. I'm fine, though, really."
"That isn't normal," he said. "Throwing up every day isn't normal."
"I'm fine, Ryan. Trust me."
"You can't just brush this off. You have to take care of yourself."
"I am."
"Not if you're throwing up every day!"
"Ryan, please. You're just going to have to take my word on this one."
"You made me go to the doctor when I had the flu last year," Ryan challenged. "I was throwing up and you made me go 'just in case'." She was surprised by his insistence.
"I did go to the doctor, Ryan. I assure you that I'm okay."
"What did the doctor say?" She opened her mouth, then paused.
"I haven't actually told anyone this yet."
"Told anyone what?" He looked worried, actually afraid, and she smiled.
"I'm pregnant." Ryan froze, and then an identical smile found its way onto his face.
"God, you...scared me! That's great, Kirsten. Congratulations."
"Thank you."
"You haven't told Sandy yet?"
"Ah...no. Not yet."
"Why not?"
"Good question." She smiled meekly and shrugged.
"He's going be thrilled, Kirsten."
"Yeah. Yeah...I hope so."
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Huh. She HOPES so. What will happen? I just don't know...
Sorry. I'll post another follow-up chapter ASAP. Right now I need to get to sleep, because I need to wake up at 5:30 so I can get a decent run in tomorrow morning...because unfortunate beasts like myself need to run a lot to try and travel down the path of un-beast-osity. But I'll get right on the next chapter. Assuming you want to know what happens. And, hey, we all know what assuming does. (It makes an ASS out of U and ME, in case you were wondering.)
Oh, fuck. Now I just became one of the aforementioned people that use "U" instead of "you". Ah, well. Please review. ;)
xoxo