AN: Here's a long chapter for you guys. Hope you all enjoy.
Chapter 20. I Hope You Don't Mind That I Put Down In Words
I needed to find her.
She had stormed off in such haste I had lost her as soon as I had opened her bedroom door to race down the halls in pursuit.
Had I known that I would fall asleep during my fraternizing with Cecille, leaving Isabel to walk in on a scene that did not appear to be of the most appropriate nature, I would not have done so.
Was fortune ever on my side?
"No writing, Christian?" Toulouse entered my home, dressed in his red pajamas. "Have you lost your inspiration already?"
"Isabel is upset at me," I ran my hands through my hair and bowed my head. "I do not know what to do. She ran off, and I have no idea where she could have went."
"Do you know what you did to make her upset?"
"She walked in on Cecille and me."
"I did not know you had something…"
"I don't," I interrupted, sighing. "We were talking. I fell asleep. I do not know what Cecille did, but I woke up to shouting and Isabel storming off."
"Did you ask Cecille?"
"Yes," I answered. "Cecille told me that she was merely sitting up when Isabel walked in and began to shout."
"Is that all?"
"She's out there, Toulouse. What if something horrible happens to her? I will feel responsible."
"So… you are hoping she is alright so you shall not feel guilty?"
"No, that is not what I'm saying! I… it isn't so simple. I don't want Isabel to feel bad towards me. I cannot have her feeling like that towards me. She is not safe wandering Paris. There are people who would take advantage of her. When I first met her… men were pressing themselves to her. I could not live to have such men after her again. I..."
"Do you not think Isabel already feels bad about you?"
"Isabel… I do not want to think so."
"Why?"
"Why? Because I have… there is nothing I have… what reason has she to be mad at me?"
"Why can you not admit you care about her, Christian?"
"What is so imperative in me saying so?" I snapped. "Everything was going well enough with us, Toulouse. When we were together last night… we had plans! How am I at fault? I have been trying to see Isabel all day and she did not once try to contact me. I have been inquiring about her all day. The only reason I was with Cecille was because I was waiting for Isabel's return. I fell asleep. Isabel walked in and assumed the worse and is probably roaming the streets of Paris as we speak."
"It seems you are more upset over Isabel proceeding on without you than you are about her being mad at you, oui?"
"What is so wrong with that?"
"You were just telling me this morning you could not love her. Is it so wrong that she is able to move on with her life from heartache, when you are so unable?"
"Why are you preaching to me?"
"Do you love Isabel?"
"What?"
"You heard me, Christian." Toulouse stared at me firmly. "Do you love Isabel?"
"Of course!" I shouted. "Why would I be like this if I were not? Why would I spend my days pursuing her? Why would I be writing endlessly about her smile? Her movements? Her words? She is what is keeping me going in this world, Toulouse. I have not stepped into a pub since the day I met her. I have had no need for company. Isabel is all the company I need. What kind of ridiculous question is that?"
"What was so hard in saying that, Christian?" Toulouse grinned smugly.
"Did I… did I justsay that?" I felt myself paling at my sudden outburst.
"It was about time you admitted to it," Toulouse patted my back. "Isabel is in my room, hopefully sleeping by now. She is a wreck, Christian, but I pray you are now willing to not contribute to her hurt, oui?"
I did not need to verbally reply to his question. My departure from my home at top speed was answer enough.
My tears spent, I sat up and allowed my legs to touch the floor as I rested my hands behind me and leaned my head back, my eyes closed.
"So directionless, I head into oblivion
And then I decide to give another random memory,
To remind her of the first time we sang out to the sea
Oh Isabel, you always understood me,
Please, Isabel, forgive me now." (1)
Hearing his voice, I sat up straighter, drawing my knees to my chest and hugging them close. He could not have found me. I cannot face him. Not this soon. Not like this…
"…and all the questions
Come running through my mind
Will I see this another way
The simple truth is I'm falling
Falling down
And I don't want to drag you
Through the bottom
No I don't want to drag you
Through the bottom." (1)
I could hear him close the door and advance towards me. Each step was taken slowly, as if awaiting me to turn around and attack him.
"I wanted you to be with me
For so long I don't even know by now
But now that I've given up on you
Defiantly you see me." (2)
I sang back my pain and sorrow in warning, but he continued.
"It still feels like our first night together
Feels like the first kiss
It's getting better baby
No one can better this
Still holding on
You're still the one." (3)
"Walking away I see the pain
You put me through
Lost in your game to change the same
Forever gone, forever you." (2)
"First time our eyes met
Same feeling I get
Only feels much stronger
I wanna love you longer
Do you still turn the fire on?" (3)
"There's something very wrong about this
I think you knew all along somehow
You'll only take me to change my mind
Lonely, broken, and defeated." (2)
"So if you're feeling lonely, don't
You're the only one I'll ever want
I only want to make it go
So if I love you a little more than I should…" (3)
"So far away I see the truth
I see through you
Now that I know the way you play
I don't want to." (2)
"Please forgive me, I know not what I do
Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you
Don't deny me, this pain I'm going through
Please forgive me, if I need you like I do
Please believe me, every word I say is true
Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you." (3)
"Walking away I see the pain
You put me through
Lost in your game to change the same
Forever gone, forever you." (2)
"Still feels like our best times are together
Feels like the first touch
Still getting closer baby
Can't get closer enough
Still holding on
You're still number one
I remember the smell of your skin
I remember everything
I remember all the moves
I remember you yeah
I remember the nights, you know I still do." (3)
At the end of my singing, Christian had stopped before the mattress I sat on. Now he moved upon it, resting his hands lightly on my shoulders toturnmakemeturn andlook around. When he had succeeded, he grabbed my hands and kissed them.
"So if you're feeling lonely, don't
You're the only one I'll ever want
I only want to make it go
So if I love you a little more than I should…
Please forgive me, I know not what I do
Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you
Don't deny me, this pain I'm going through
Please forgive me, if I need you like I do
Please believe me, every word I say is true
Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you." (3)
"I thought that dreams belonged to other men
'Cause each time I got close
They'd fall apart again." (4)
"The one thing I'm sure of
Is the way we make love
The one thing I depend on
Is for us to stay strong
With every word and every breath I'm praying
That's why I'm saying…
Please forgive me, I know not what I do
Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you
Don't deny me, this pain I'm going through
Please forgive me, if I need you like I do
Babe believe me, every word I say is true
Please forgive me, if I can't stop loving you
No, believe, I don't know what I do
Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you.
I can't stop… loving you…" (3)
"I feared my heart would be in secrecy
I faced the nights alone
Oh, how could I have known
That all my life I only needed you?" (4)
"Hold me now
It's hard for me to say I'm sorry
I just want you to stay
After all that we've been through,
I will make it up to you
I promise to
And after all that's been said and done
You're just the part of me I can't let go." (5)
"Whoa
Almost paradise
We're knockin' on heaven's door
Almost paradise
How could we ask for more?
I swear that I can see forever in your eyes
Paradise." (4)
"Couldn't stand to be kept away just for the day from your body
Wouldn't wanna be swept away, far away from the one that I love
Hold me now
It's hard for me to say I'm sorry
I just want you to know
Hold me now
I really want to tell you I'm sorry
I could never let you go." (5)
"And in your arms salvation's not so far away
It's getting closer
Closer every day." (4)
"After all that we've been through
I will make it up to you
I promise to
And after all that's been said and done
You're just the part of me I can't let go." (5)
"It's almost paradise
We're knockin' on heaven's door
Almost paradise
How could we ask for more
I swear that I can see forever in your eyes
Paradise." (4)
"After all that we've been through
I will make it up to you
I promise to
You're gonna be the lucky one." (5)
Pulling me to my feet, we stepped off the mattress onto the floor as our voices entwined once more.
"Whoa
Almost paradise
We're knockin' on heaven's door
Almost paradise
How could we ask for more
I swear that I can see forever in your eyes
Paradise
Paradise
Paradise." (5)
"Oh Isabel, you always understood me,
Please, Isabel, forgive me now." (1)
"Hello Christian," I smiled to myself as the tears I thought were no more came. "It's a little bit funny. This feeling inside. I'm not one of those who can easily hide. Don't have much money. But, boy, if I did. I'd buy a big house where we both could live. If I was a sculptor, but then again, no, or a man. Who makes potions in the traveling show. I know it's not much but it's the best I can do. My gift is my song and this one's for you. And you can tell everybody this is your song. It may be quite simple but now that it's done. I hope you don't mind. I hope you don't mind. That I put down in words. How wonderful life is while you're in the world." (6)
"Hello Isabel," he returned my smile. "I sat on the roof and kicked off the moss. Well I few of the verses. Well, they've got me quite cross. But the sun's been quite kind while I wrote this song. It's for people like you that keep it turned on. So excuse me forgetting. But these things I do. You see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue. Anyway, the thing is, what I really mean. Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen. And you can tell everybody. This is your song. It may be quite simple. But now that it's done. I hope you don't mind. I hope you don't mind. That I put down in words. How wonderful life is while you're in the world. I hope you don't mind. I hope you don't. That I put down in words. How wonderful life is while you're in the world." (6)
"And I will always love you," I told him. "Will always love you." (7)
"I hope Toulouse does not walk in on us tonight…"
Christian did not allow me a moment to laugh at the thought as we kissed and allowed our passion to come.
1. Ben Jelen "Falling Down"
2. Evanescence "Forever Gone, Forever You"
3. Bryan Adams "Please Forgive Me"
4. Ann Wilson & Mike Reno "Almost Paradise"
5. Chicago "Hard To Say I'm Sorry"
6. Elton John "Your Song"
7. Whitney Houston "I Will Always Love You"