Chapter five.
Title: All I Really Want
Author: Stoicstella E-mail: Rating: R (definitely)
Summary: Since her mother married Naraku, Kagome bears the cross of her violent home life in silence. To whom could she turn anyway?
Author Notes: --No footnotes in this chapter folks (I know you are disspointed, can't be helped) but I did do another reader response section however don't think I am going to make a habit out of it.
-Also brand new to this chapter -- A once in a lifetime chance-- A shout out section--
Okay here goes:
The Chibi Hime-- Claws-- Read this because: A) it's pretty good -- and -- B) My mildly adorable sister wrote it.
Kin of Dragons-- She has a final fantasy fic that is worth looking at, she is a new writer and doesn't have any reviews --' you only see Stella take pity very seldom... take a picture if you'd like...
MKH2-- Inuyasha Thoughts -- I was thinking you people would really enjoy this series of One-shots, which are some of the best around. GO MIKKI!
-- also everyone on my Favorite's lists, who are all incredible authors for their own reasons, (those that deney this will be slapped... (repeatedly))
Thank-you!
"" Spoken
'' thought
indicates a change of point of view within individual sections. (these will be pretty apparent though -- at least I should think)
Disclaimer: Characters belong to Rumiko Takahashi. Song lyrics belong to Omen.
No Way Out
"Now your life's getting hard to grasp
It's just a play and we're the cast
Don't you feel it in your heart
Take the stage and play your part"
Chapter 4: No Way Out
His own breath caught when he saw her lips move slightly open to exhale a gentle breath. It was the first movement she had made in the ten minutes he had been standing in the room. Her right arm was in a cast and gently set to the side of her body, IV's, tubes, and cords, hung all around her. But all Sesshoumaru's attention was on that peaceful angelic face, so calm and untelling.
She was asleep. The nurse had said it before he even entered the room. Almost scoldingly. "She's asleep!" as if she assumed he might run into the room like a four year old and disturb her. He stood there in the doorway and just watched the smooth worryless contours of her face in sleep, meanwhile fighting a powerful urge to sigh.
Here she was, the begrudging object of his obsession. Driven away from him-- strike that-- by him, and ultimately looking worse than she had when she had come to him in the first place. And what was he expected to do? Accept this? Turn around and walk away forgetting about the girl? She infuriated him to no end!
'All she had to do was tell me. I would have protected her. No one could have hurt her, if she had just stayed put. But no...' he lost the battle and released a disgusted sigh, taking several cautious steps toward the slumbering teen. 'what is the matter with you Kagome?' he thought as he took another step and found himself at her side. 'Why are you hiding from me?'
Darkness fluttered in and out as it gradually became the various degrees of much too bright light, and the first thing that was consciously visible in her line of sight were the eyes of God. Intense, and piteous, looking down on his failed creation, almost guiltily, in a sort of silent apology. And then he spoke.
"Kagome?" Deep and sorrowful, the way she imagined God's voice should sound, except there was a familiar feel to it. Something caught at the back of her mind: an intense pain all over every joint in her body-- the pain of life. Kagome's eyes shut tight against the sudden onslaught of pain, and when she opened them, where God had stood there was Sesshoumaru.
Her lips moved in several failed attempts to speak, but her mind supplied her with nothing to say. It was busy trying to catch up to the situation, and silence was devouring any hope of future conversation. She finally let the silence win out and just gazed at up at the man before her. His intense gold eyes were heavy with God's pity, and the question. She saw it in his eyes before it ever left his lips. The question he was sure to ask.
"What happened?" he sounded exasperated, tired, and sad and worried and angry and... exasperated, but somehow gentler then his voice had ever sounded to her before. She suddenly longed to curl up into his arms, and for everything to be all right. But she knew it was no good.
she opened her mouth to speak, and again, her brain supplied her with nothing to say, none of her usually warring voices seemed to want to get out today.
'I'm on my own.'
Her lips parted, creating words without any screening process, since her brain was busy elsewhere. A single rough edged word, coated in self deprecating, pity slid along her vocal chords and escaped into the room.
"life" That was enough. A simple explanation, for a complicated world. She let the word absorb back into her body, and her brain silently nodded it's approval. She was working again, a well oiled machine. Everything would be fine now. Except...
"That's not good enough" Anger, raw and real... while his eyes flashed in sudden cold annoyance his voice was a low whispering growl. She shuttered slightly.
'System meltdown' Her brain was on overload, her voices were back, but they were cat calling whistling and screaming obscenities. Somewhere in the back of her mind though she could see her own tear stained face, begging with silent eyes. 'Don't tell him... don't tell him.'
"Didn't someone tell you?" She was suddenly afraid. Afraid he'd see it on her face, read it in her eyes, afraid that she was suddenly translucent. And what had they told him? Did the nurses know, the doctors, she knew where she was by instinct. Did they know why she was here, for the same reason? Did they think she deserved it?
"Someone... but not you." It was an accusation. Laid flat on the line. He wanted her to own up to her guilt. He was going to disown her. Kagome began to cry.
"I have to sleep now..." She choked out hiding behind her tear soaked lids and lashes hoping she was invisible now, hoping he'd go away.
Before she really thought too long about anything, she really did fall back asleep and had no idea whether he left or stayed.
Kagome stared silently out the window at the hospital grounds below. There wasn't much to see: a parking lot, outlined with a sidewalk, and some little trees that had been planted along it, like some kind of afterthought to nature. It wasn't the most amazing view she had ever seen but it was better than the ceiling above her bed.
She had not been allowed to move from her bed the first two weeks she was awake in the hospital, and she had hardly been back in it since. The nurse always gave her a scolding look when she came in and found the young girl engaged in the various activities that did not involve rest, as if laying in bed would suddenly make her bones mend, and her bruises dissipate. When all it really did was encourage her to think thoughts she'd rather not dwell on, and well up more depression.
Kagome smiled slightly at the little bird that flew across the length of the parking lot and disappeared behind the building; she traced her left index finger along the glass following it's path, and wondering what it would feel like to fly. She was so wrapped up in her thoughts she didn't even hear the door open behind her.
"Ahem" The nurse again. Kagome audibly sighed, pulling her gaze back a little to concentrate on the closer image of the nurse's face reflected behind her own on the glass. There was someone with her, Kagome realized: a figure in the doorway waiting to be acknowledged. She turned her head and her previous smile returned.
"Inuyasha!" There he was, the only friend who never challenged her with questions that made her nervous, and still left her without doubts that he cared. Here was her Inuyasha and... she faltered
'Kikyou?'
"Kagome..." his voice was quiet and questioning, and bubbling just below the surface was an emotion she wasn't sure she recognized. That's when she suddenly remembered that she looked like hell frozen over. She smiled at him warmly as a resurance that she was fine and was shocked when he embraced her. She let out a little gasp, and heard the nurse (who was still lingering in the doorway) do the same. Despite herself she smiled a little deeper at that, of course the woman was intolerable.
"Be careful of her ribs." she scolded, giving Inuyasha the evil eye, as he released his friend from his arms. Kagome chuckled slightly. The weeks that she had been forced to remain trapped in her bed were due mostly to the fact that she had broken her ribs. In fact, the first night she was here, she had required surgery because one had punctured a lung, and said receptacle filled with fluid. The nurse could just as easily have said, don't squeeze her to death. Kagome was surprised and glad she had refrained.
As she turned her head away from the embrace she saw that Kikyou had nervously stepped into the room, and was now playing with the hem of her shirt. She apparently didn't know what to do with her hands. Kagome approached her and reaching down clasped one in her own.
"You look well." Kagome assured her, in a friendly voice. And it was true enough. She looked stunning for a girl that had spent such a long time in a coma. She didn't seem to have any lasting physical reminders, unlike Kagome, who would be riddled with scars. Plus Kikyou's ordeal was in the past...
"So do you." she replied politely. Kagome laughed, and a blush crept up the older girls face as she looked down at the floor. She turned her head and found Inuyasha watching them closely.
"I'm sorry." he said quietly. Kagome's mouth fell open in shock.
"I'm sorry, I forgot about you for Kikyou. It's not that you aren't important to me, it's just that..." Kikyou moved forward, still looking at the floor and slid her hand into Inuyasha's. Kagome watched the two hands that seemed to fit together perfectly and suddenly felt very lonely. Inuyasha was still talking, her eyes moved up to his lips trying to hear him over her beating heart.
"... If I had been there none of this would have happened." he finished with a sigh. Kagome scoffed. Silently relieved she had gotten control of her emotions again.
"Since when were you ever in my backyard at three in the morning, Yasha? Don't worry about it, okay? I'm fine... see?" she smiled at him and spread her arms presentation style in a demonstration of how fine she was. Inside, though, she curled up into a ball and waited for the happy couple to go away.
The two sat on her bed. and she sat in the visitors chair across from them, the nurse had wandered away and the three were left to their own devices. One of Kagome's less feeble voices was talking about something she didn't spare any of her real self to: School. Inuyasha didn't seem to notice the difference. Kagome curled into a tighter ball within herself.
"When are you coming back... to school I mean?" He asked, startling her into paying attention to the conversation, again. She was silent for a second as the question filtered through all of her checks and balances. When her mind determined this was a safe question it supplied her with the answer.
"They're releasing me next week. I'll probably be back attending classes by next Wednesday." After she spoke she added a little nod to assure the validity of the answer. Inuyasha didn't respond in any real sense, casual as ever, though, he did manage to excuse Kikyou and himself. Casual as ever he managed to say he'd see her then. Casual as ever he managed to walk out of the room and disappear around the corner. Inside Kagome sobbed, outside Kagome sighed.
He watched his idiot brother shovel another forkful of something putrid into his mouth, and suppressed the urge to wrinkle his nose at the sight. Another exciting dinner at the Yammamota residence: His father was working late, the housekeeper cooked and left, and the two boys were left to sit across from each other at the table with barely concealed loathing.
Sesshoumaru wondered vaguely why he even bothered coming to the table, when the sight of his brother eating made him lose his appetite. He sighed, slightly as he sulkily poked at whatever it was growing on his plate. His brother stopped eating across from him for a second and Sesshoumaru could feel eyes upon him.
"What?" Sesshoumaru asked, in an annoyed voice without meeting the younger sibling's gaze.
"Are you going to eat that?" Inuyasha asked innocently, setting his own fork down on his now empty plate.
"It's all yours" Sesshoumaru replied with a sigh pushing the toxic waste across the table and watching as the disposal system that was his brother took care of it.
The two sat in uncomfortable silence for the space of about sixty seconds before Inuyasha began to talk, obviously content to listen to the sound of his own voice, as Sesshoumaru made no sign he was even listening until...
"So I went to the hospital to visit Kagome, and..." Sesshoumaru's eyes averted from the table and met Inuyasha's, Whose own expression went curios at his brothers, apparent sudden interest. Neither had ever spoken to the other about their only mutual interest: Kagome. In fact Inuyasha was not aware that Sesshoumaru had ever even met his friend.
"You took your girlfriend who has just gotten out of the hospital to see your girlfriend who is now in the hospital?" Sesshoumaru asked hiding his interest with a more natural contempt.
Inuyasha scoffed. "Yes... I mean, Kagome is not my girlfriend..." more rambling, some mumbling an "ass hole" or two... Sesshoumaru ignored him until he began to speak of Kagome again.
"Anyway... she said she'd be home next week so I guess she is better off then I thought she was..."
'Next week?' he had thought she would surely be in the hospital for much longer than that. He had been avoiding her, because he didn't know how to deal with his emotions around her, and that was not acceptable for him. She made him angry, and pitiful at the same time. He couldn't decide whether to grab her and shake her or cradle her and reassure her everything would be fine. He thought he might go crazy, and all he could do was imagine what she'd look like next time.
She got hurt worse every time she left his sight, and he wasn't a fool. He knew the bruises came from home. She wasn't attacked by some thugs. The nurse could spin him that tale 'til she was blue in the face and he would never buy it. The woman never saw the previous bruises, no one, in fact but himself had, that's what Kagome had wanted: to hide. And he knew that sweet, if not somewhat deranged girl, wasn't in a gang. She wasn't roaming the streets looking for trouble. He unconsciously rolled his eyes, as he stood.
"...Where are you going?" Inuyasha asked incredulously as Sesshoumaru began to walk out of the room long since ignoring the one sided conversation of his half brother. He had more important things to think about.
She was sleeping when he came into the room. Her long black hair fanned out around her head, tousled and knotted in places. He could just make out the fading bruises on her outstretched left forearm and on the right side of her jaw the rest of her body was concealed by the hospital blanket and of course the cast on her right arm. Despite these obvious signs of injury she looked ten times better then when he had saw her last.
She stirred slightly, a little frightened gasp escaping her throat as she curled into herself and away from her dream attacker. Sesshoumaru fought the urge to scoop her up in his arms and press her to his chest. He would do just about anything to remove this new image of her sleeping face, crinkled in fear, from his mind.
"Kagome" he whispered, hoping she'd wake, hoping she'd stop the fit of tossing she had suddenly fallen into. Promising, the gods anything just as long as he didn't have to watch this girl suffer anymore. She was miserable and it was killing him; neither could take much more abuse.
He sat down on the corner of the bed and with a swift decisiveness pulled her into his lap. He wiped the hair that had fallen in her face aside, and marveled at the blue gray eyes that shot open. Tears were already running down her face before her eyelids even parted the whole way.
Kagome stared into his eyes for a second and then collapsed into his arms, wrapping her own arms tightly around him and sobbing uncontrollably into his chest. And he just held her there: feet curled out to the side, and still tangled in the blankets, body curled like a baby's across his lap, face buried in the cloth of his shirt, arms loosely hanging at his back-- and she cried like she had been waiting a month to do so, cried like it was the only thing that mattered, cried as if her sanity and maybe even her life depended on it, cried for ten minutes without pause.
Afterward she looked up at him with pleading, bloodshot eyes, newly cried tears still streaking her now red and splotchy face, and he felt his chest surge. A creature of incredible beauty and innocence lay dying in his arms and there was nothing he could do to revive her.
"I'm afraid." She whispered suddenly snuggling deeper into his chest and at the same time freeing him from the incredible grasp her eyes had, had upon him.
"Afraid of what?" he asked softly, rocking her as a mother rocks a child, who had a bad dream. But Kagome's monsters weren't just in her head; Her monsters were real, and he didn't know how to fix her, now that she was already broken so badly.
"I'm afraid I'll disappear." She whispered into his chest so that he barely made out what she had said. "I don't remember who I am anymore."
"I know who you are..." he assured her hooking his fingers under her chin and forcing her to meet his eyes. "...I won't let you disappear."
Kagome sighed, wrapping her arms around his neck and resting her head on his shoulder; Sesshoumaru could feel her hot breath coming in steadily calming puffs just below his ear. As he began to untangle her legs from the blanket, so he could adjust her more comfortably on his numbing legs, he could already tell by her breathing that she was going to sleep, and he could tell by her clinging arms that she had no intention of doing it elsewhere.
It had been an entire hour. His back was starting to ache even though he managed to maneuver himself so he was leaning on the wall, and as much as he loved holding her in his arms, he felt it was time to separate, and talk. He needed her to be all right, and he wanted to protect her, but she just made things so difficult.
"Kagome" he turned his head and pressed his lips to her waiting ear as he stood up and cradled the sleeping girl in his arms. Her head lifted slightly off his shoulder, her eyes still red and puffy, but a lot less distorted with tears. In fact her entire face was a little calmer than it had been.
"Don't let me fall..." It was such an odd request. He had a tight grasp on her, and he suddenly got the feeling she meant more figuratively and in that case he wasn't so sure he could keep his promise.
"Never!" he replied his lips now pressed to her forehead.
"We need to talk." he said, still pressing his lips gently to the smooth skin just below her hairline.
"No." she whispered.
"You have to tell me what's wrong..."
"I don't have time." She chuckled almost desperately: A sick ironic laugh that made his stomach twist a little
"It would take a lifetime for one thing..." She continued, meanwhile moving her head so instead of her forehead he suddenly had her lips. Their four lips were inches away from each other, so close to a kiss, that when she moved her own to finish the sentence they casually brushed up against his, and he found he almost shivered. "...and anyway, they're coming for me."
He Swallowed, lowering her to the floor and holding her by her shoulders until she caught her balance. He was Staring listlessly into her eyes, trying to think of what to say next when, on cue, her "parents" came into the room.
"Kagome?" Sesshoumaru felt her jump as the man said her name with supposed indifference although Sesshoumaru saw the malice behind his gaze. He felt a growl grow inside his throat, and had an urge to pull her behind him and refuse to let her go. But he felt her warmth leave his side as he stared into her stepfathers eyes, and he did nothing to stop her retreat.
The "happy family" walked away together and left Sesshoumaru alone and unsure of what to do. Everything about this situation was wrong, but he wasn't sure he had the power to make it right.
Post Story Note: Just one: I noticed this on the proof read-- Sesshoumaru sure suppresses a lot of urges, huh? Maybe he should just go with things, and he'd be happier... ya think?