AN: Thank you again to my reviewers. I am so glad you are enjoying the story. Serious props for anyone who knows the 4th song in this chapter. I did not even know it existed until today, and am going out to buy the CDlater on this afternoon.
Chapter 23. I'm Not That Girl
"Isabel!" relief claimed Ziddler's face at our arrival, although his joy dissipated at the sight of my companions. "Gregory? Christian?"
"So nice of you to join us, cousin." Edmund sneered despite himself.
"I have not seen you in the Moulin Rouge since…"
"…since Satine." Christian finished for Ziddler.
Seeing his distress, I squeezed his hand before stepping forward.
"My voice instructor shall be joining us for supper tonight. I hope his presence is welcomed, as is everyone's."
"Very well spoken, ma belle." Gregory remarked, leading me to our chairs. "There is an extra chair beside Ziddler for you, Christian. You will find that Monsieur Ziddler can be quite a pleasing fellow."
"Hello Christian," Ziddler's usual façade went up… all sunshine and rainbows.
"Ziddler," Christian nodded, avoiding to make eye contact with him.
How my heart yearned to comfort him!
How I desired to take him in my arms and make him forget!
If only fortune would be on his side for once in the Moulin Rouge.
How I wished to only be with Isabel and forget the pain and anguish of the Moulin Rouge. The hurt that hung in-between floorboards and kept the walls together.
"Tell me, Monsieur…" this fellow, Edmund, wrinkled his nose after addressing anyone. "How long have you been Isabel's voice instructor?"
A menacing glare lit his eyes when he looked at me. Challenging me to lie. How could a fellow who was nearly identical to Gregory not possess an ounce of his blithe apparel?"
"He only began just recently," Isabel answered.
"Yes, very recently, Edmund." Gregory vouched.
"I asked Christian," Edmund shifted his attention to me once more with the rumple of his nose. "Your answer?"
"Very recent, Monsieur." I tried not to laugh when Isabel began to giggle. "I reassure you."
"Do you plan to pursue your music, Isabel?" Edmund asked, business and providence his domain. "Perhaps the stage?"
"Well… no." Isabel replied candidly. "Never. It was not until recently that I noticed I could sing a note on key."
"So what are your ambitions?" Edmund scrutinized her, ready to draw conclusions at any given moment. "Marriage? A man to support you?"
"Oh no," Isabel shook her head. "Thoughts of marriage never entered my head until I met the love of my life. Before, I never thought a man might want me."
"Why would you think so?"
"Because I found myself plain as can be. It never occurred to me a man might want that."
"Plain?" Edmund laughed. "Who do you take me for?"
"Less than a year ago I was not so easy on the eyes."
"And I should believe that!"
"Oui."
"Why should I?"
"Monsieur, I am not the same girl I was back then."
"When are you going to tell him?" Christian asked when I escorted him to the exit of the Moulin Rouge.
"Soon, Christian." I promised, looking behind me to check if anyone was lurking in the shadows.
"Please do not wait so long, mon amour." Christian begged helplessly. "I already watched one I loved stay within the clutches of another man. I will be driven mad by jealousy if it happens again. I do not know if I could survive the pain…"
"I would never deliberately hurt you," I wrapped my arms around him, my eyes wavering behind me to reassure that we were still alone. "There was a time. I was everything and nothing all in one. When you found me. I was feeling like a cloud across the sun." (1)
"Someday when I'm awfully low
When the world is cold
I will feel a glow
Just thinking of you
And the way you look tonight." (2)
"I need to tell you
How you light up every second of the day
But in the moonlight
You just shine like a beacon on the bay." (1)
"O but you're lovely
With your smile so warm
And your cheeks so soft
There is nothing for me to love you
Just the way you look tonight." (2)
"And I can't explain
But it's something about the way you look tonight
Takes my breath away
It's that feeling I get about you, deep inside
And I can't describe
But it's something about the way you look tonight
Takes my breath away
The way you look tonight." (1)
"With each word, your tenderness grows
Tearing my fear apart
And that laugh that wrinkles your nose
Touches my foolish heart." (2)
"With a smile
You pull the deepest secrets from my heart
In all honesty
I'm speechless and I don't know where to start." (1)
"Lovely never never change
Keep that breathless change
Won't you please arrange it
Cause I, I love you
Just the way you look tonight
Just the way you look tonight." (2)
"Never knew I could feel like this," I whispered when he finished, my smile unable to express the extent my bliss has brought me. (3)
"We are safe, Isabel." Christian set his hands upon my face to prevent me from turning around again. "No one shall see."
The kiss was slow and sweet. It had me on my toes, wanting never to leave his arms. I know not if I would ever have broken apart if Christian had nottaken a step back and waved.
"Goodnight, mon amour." he blew me a kiss. "Until we meet again.
I rested on the side of my bed.
My room possessed ornamental sentiments in every corner of the room. Bouquets and ribbons filled the spaces between my furniture, all of them in a shade of white, pink, and red. I lived in a room that spoke of love, and yet it was like living within a candy-shop and never being allowed totake a bite of sweetness.
"Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy
But I'm not that girl." (4)
Gregory would marry Isabel. I would end up with Edmund. His prisoner. Forever his prisoner. I would rather work in the Moulin Rouge all my life. At least then I would have the freedom. I would choose whom I slept with.
There was no choice with Edmund.
I was his whore…
"Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
I'm not that girl." (4)
Ever since that night… when Edmund had branded me as his…
When his fingerprints were bruised upon my flesh…
…I became his.
No longer would any man want me. At least in the way that they should.
Damaged goods…
I had heard the phrase enough times to understand its meaning.
That was who I was now… damaged goods.
"Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To that land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in." (4)
Did Gregory notice my change? Did he see the independent, defiant girl who was known for her recalcitrant behavior, losing her moral? Was it odd that I no longer flaunted my body, showing as much as I could without losing all of my dignity, in an attempt to have his eyes waver on my for one moment?
"Blithe smile, lithe limb
She who's winsome, she wins him
Gold hair with a gentle curl
That's the girl he chose
And heaven knows
I'm not that girl." (4)
I was known for my looks. It was what won Edmund. What kept him going… wanting me. But it was never enough. I was the kind of pretty that was accepted in society. The kind that everyone looked for. He wanted something else… an inner beauty that glowed on the outside… a beauty he had found within several women, and now loved in Isabel.
Whatever it was… I knew only that I did not have it.
"Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl
There's a girl I know
He loves her so
I'm not that girl." (4)
My physical pain was nothing. Nonexistent. It was something I had grown used to. Something my body accepted as normal.
Besides, the body noticed whatever pain was the greatest.
And certainly no pain Edmund could give me would match what resided within my heart…
1. Music by Elton John; Lyrics by Bernie Taupin "Something About The Way You Look Tonight"
2. Tony Bennett "The Way You Look Tonight"
3. Ewan McGregor & Nicole Kidman "Come What May"
4. Idena Menzel "I'm Not That Girl"