Chapter 31. Burdens
Watching Christian and Isabel perform, smiling at one another and holding hands, I knew that something was there. The bitterness that arose at Isabel betraying Gregory dissipated when I saw the look on Giselle's face when Christian and Isabel kissed, clinging to one another as lovers might do.
How naïve could one be…
No matter how great of an actor you could be, one might never fully evoke what it is to be in love.
Yet they did so perfectly.
"Bravo!" I stood up and clapped, waiting for them to stop with their kisses. "Isabel?"
"Oh, yes." Isabel drew apart and laughed. "Was that a bit overdone, Cecille?"
"May I talk to you for a moment?" I suggested.
"Of course, Cecille." Isabel nodded, leaving only after smearing away the marks of her lips on Christian's face. "I am coming."
"What are you doing?" I shouted when we reached the back of the theatre.
"I am acting, Cecille." Isabel replied.
"Acting?" I laughed sardonically. "That is not acting, Isabel. That is kissing your lover in front of the entire cast."
Isabel paled at my anger.
"You cannot fool me," I reminded her. "I've been with nearly every man in Paris, as Giselle so nicely pointed out upon your first rehearsal. Do not deny that anything has changed with you and Christian. You still love one another."
"Oh Cecille," Isabel lowered her head. "You must think me awful."
"Gregory loves you, Isabel!" I turned towards where Christian stood on stage. "And you're off gallivanting with him!"
"What is wrong with Christian?"
"Nothing," I shook my head. "But if you still loved Christian, why did you lie to Gregory. He trusts you, Isabel. He loves you. He is willing to sacrifice everything for you. Why are you setting him up for heartbreak?"
"I didn't mean to," guilt was etched across Isabel's face, but my anger overpowered my compassion. "I… I didn't want to hurt him. I knew his love was true, so I left Christian, but now he's back and I… I just cannot resist him, Cecille. Try as I might. There's just something there."
"That's because you love him!" I felt tears stinging my eyes in my fit of frustration. "I don't know what made you believe that lying to Gregory would make matters better. Soon enough your falsehoods will catch up to you, and then what will you do? Gregory is bound to find out about your lies, Isabel, and I am sure he is going to be hurt."
"Cecille…" Isabel wiped her own tears away and pointed to my face. "You're crying."
"Oh damn!" I turned away to wipe my tears, but only more took their place.
"You… you… you love Gregory…" Isabel looked into my eyes in contemplation. "You do, don't you?"
"It isn't about Gregory and me," I shook my head, trying to change the subject. "It's about you and him and what you're doing."
"You love him, Cecille." Isabel's tears dried as she acknowledged my problem. "Tell him, Cecille. It isn't fair to yourself."
"Isn't fair?" I laughed. "I've only loved him my whole life. I've only been faithful to him every moment of my life. If something were meant to happen between us, it would've already. I only grew up with him. Only spent as much time as I possibly could around him. Never… not once… has he made it known that he might have feelings for me. It won't change now."
"You love him…" Isabel repeated. "Nothing might have been there before, but that does not mean it can't be there now or in the future. Maybe the thought never crossed his mind, and you need to plant the seed there before it could grow and blossom?"
"Why should I listen to you?" I scoffed. "You… who is cheating on him with another man. You… who could have him murder all of Paris if you only asked it of him. You are going to hurt him." I fought back the tears, but they just kept coming. "I cannot believe you, Isabel."
"Can't believe me? You love him…"
"And you're feeding him lies. Setting him up for hurt. How could you?"
"My intentions were true…"
"No they're not."
"Why are you being so cruel?"
"Why are you being so completely naïve?" I fumed. "You are the luckiest girl, Isabel. You have two of the greatest men in the palm of your hand, and yet you choose to hurt them both. You leave Christian for Gregory, and hurt him, and you stay with Gregory when you love Christian. Imagine how stricken Gregory will be. He will find out, Isabel. He will be crushed. And I'll have to put him together, and Lord knows how that hurts me! Damn you! Damn you!"
My curses faded as I dropped to the ground, curled up and crying, not paying attention when my hair fell back, revealing all of the bruises upon my shoulders, neck, and collarbone.
"What was that about?" Christian asked as he trailed kisses up my arm as I stared down at my script. "You and Cecille. Quite a verbal fight, I could tell."
"Something is wrong with her," I could not get the image of her on the ground out of my mind, and pulled my arm from Christian to approach my mirror and look at my own collar. "Is it normal for a woman to have bruises upon her collar? Her neck?"
"Cecille has bruises there?" Christian rested his hands on my shoulder and smiled at my reflection.
"Something is wrong with her," I said again, memories of her for the past few weeks flashing through my mind. "Her spirit is diminishing. I don't know what it could be."
"Perhaps she is nervous for the production?" Christian suggested, kissing my cheek. "She is merely making up for your lack of anxiousness, oui?"
"No, Christian." I pulled away. "I am being serious. Cecille is different. Can you not notice the change in her spirit? Her aura has faded? She rarely smiles, and when she does, it seems so forced…"
"What reason has she to be so?" Christian asked. "Everything is going well enough for her. She is engaged. She does not have to bother with this play that Ziddler has thrown down upon us all. She gets to relax and critique. How much easier do you want it to be for her, mon amour?"
"Something is wrong," I told him once more. "I do not care if you are unwilling to admit it, but I will. You need not watch out for her, Christian, but Cecille is my friend and I will do all I can to ensure her safety."
"So independent and determined," Christian grabbed my arms and drew me to him. "You are beautiful, you know that, ma belle, oui?"
"If I could win your heart
If you'd let me in your heart
I'd be so happy, baby
Just for these arms to be
Holding you close to me
There's nothing in this world I wouldn't try
No limit to what I'd do to make you mine, 'cause…" (1)
I had sought consolation in the theatre when the cast had departed to practice lines elsewhere. Sitting in the shadows, where the only illumination that reminded me there was light emanated from Isabel's room, my thoughts flooded with Gregory and the pain that would soon be bestowed upon him.
"I'd climb right up to the sky
I'd take down the stars
Just to be in your arms, baby
I'd go and capture the moon
That's what I would do
Just to hear you say that you love me
Just to hear you say that you love me." (1)
Through Isabel's window, I could see her and Christian's shadows. They held each other, and whenever silence engulfed the theatre, Isabel's laughter would pour through her window and take over the quiet that surrounded me.
"If I could taste your kiss
There'd be no sweeter gift
Heaven could offer, baby
I want to be the one
Living to give you love
I'd walk across this world just to be
Close to you 'cause I want you close to me, yeah…" (1)
"I love you…" even at the distance I was from Isabel's room, I could hear them whispering their vows of devotion to one another.
Would this excruciation never end?
"For the rest of my life
Love me for the rest of all time
Just say the word
And I'll give you my world
There's nothing I won't do
Baby, just to be with you." (1)
Even before I saw him enter the theatre, look around, and approach me, I knew he was there. I could sense his presence. Feel his heart beating. He carried my heart, although I did not carry his. How would I not know where he was?
"Cecille?" Gregory ran a hand through his hair in perplexion at my residence onstage. "What are you doing here? Where is Isabel?"
"She is… out," I lied, still able to see her and Christian's silhouette from her window. "I presume she is out rehearsing for the performance, oui?"
"That sounds like her," Gregory grinned. "So ambitious. So determined and iron-willed…"
It took all my effort not to retort him through gritted teeth.
"How is life treating you?" Gregory inquired, sitting on the edge of the stage beside me, where my legs dangled. "Much less to trouble you, now that you do not need to bother with rehearsing."
"If only," I smiled. "So much is happening right now. So many different feelings. So many different situations."
"Anything you wish to talk about?"
"Nothing that needs to be burdened upon anyone else."
"There is nothing you could tell me that would be a burden," Gregory said sweetly. "You used to be able to tell me anything, Cecille. What happened to that girl?"
"She grew up," I looked up at him, refraining from crying. "Already the world has been too cruel. If only I had a place to run to… I am all alone."
"You will always have me," Gregory opened up his arms, and I moved into them, my tears making their presence known. "Did I not promise you I would be there whenever I could? If ever you are lonely…"
"If only you knew…" I mumbled.
"I wish you would tell me what is wrong."
If only you knew…
My love… Isabel's love… Ziddler's plan… Edmund's true nature…
"I'm sorry," I told him, knowing that a few days from now, it would be me, not Isabel, who would cause him pain. "I am so sorry, Gregory."
"There is nothing to be sorry about," Gregory reassured me, rubbing my back in comfort. "Nothing. You have only brought joy into my life, Cecille. Everything you do has lightened up my days. There is not a moment I can think of you causing harm to me."
Although that certainly would end in time…
"I'm sorry."
1. Faith Hill "Just To Hear You Say You Love Me"