AN: Words cannot express how truly sorry I am for not updating sooner. My internet has been down since the last time I updated, and I have only now been able to get on, if only for a brief period of time, to post something new up. I cannot guarantee the next time I will be able to update, but I truly hope it will be soon. I hate to leave you all hanging and my deepest apologies for leaving you all in the dark for so long. I hope you will all enjoy this chapter, and the next one I am posting as well because I do not know the next time I will have an opportunity to post it up. I will try to post a new chapter up sometime this week, but I am not exactly sure the next time I will have the chance. Once again, my deepest apologies.
Chapter 37. Pushing Me
"Every time I look at you the world just melts away
All my troubles all my fears dissolve in your affections
You've seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am
And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land." (1)
An afternoon nap in Christian's arms was just what we needed to calm us from our morning of laughter and childish affections. Playing with his hair, I allowed him to perform the same acts upon me as I closed my eyes for his turn to come.
"Well I made up my mind
Not gonna let you get away
To think that I'm the lucky guy
I've almost got it made." (2)
"Is that what you call it?" I teased, opening my eyes and smiling. "Almost?"
"After tonight," Christian kissed my forehead tenderly. "That almost will be complete."
"You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in
Your all the things that I desire you save me you complete me
You're the one true thing I know I can believe." (1)
"Cause it's been so long
Since I've felt so strong
About anyone at all
I get so excited
I ain't gonna fight it
I think I might be fallin' in love." (2)
"I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe
No matter what I say or do 'cause you're too good to fight about it
Even when I have to push just to see how far you'll go
You won't stoop down to battle but you never turn to go." (1)
In a few hours I would return to the Moulin Rouge to prepare for the production. Christian would escort me there, our scripts in our hands to show we were rehearsing for the play soon to come. That we were rehearsing what was to come after the production when I would be completely free to be with him until the day I die.
"So come on- let's get it right
Cause you're the only one
So come on- we ain't got all night
Cause you're the only one." (2)
"You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in
Your all the things that I desire you save me you complete me
You're the one true thing I known I can believe." (1)
Getting to our feet, I looked over my shoulder playfully to catch Christian gazing at me lovingly as I stood before him in my corset. His shirt, half-buttoned, was wrinkled from our childish playing and wrestling as he dropped his blankets on his bed in one large heap of fabric.
"Last night I thought you mighta stayed
If I'd a' had the guts
I woulda pushed my luck
But then you mighta turned away
How do I explain
I know it sounds insane
But then I've been through this before
In just a matter of time
You could change your mind
You could turn and walk right through that door." (2)
"Not in a corset," I giggled at the absurdity. "I will not turn away from you now, Christian."
"Can't blame a fellow for worrying about it…"
"There are times I can't decide when I can't tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy when otherwise I'd drown
But you pick me up and brush me off and tell me I'm okay
Sometimes that's just what we need to get us through the day." (1)
I approached him and wrapped his arms around me as I rested my head against his chest, wanting to be no other place in the world.
"So come on- let's get it straight
Cause you're the only one
So come on- I just can't wait
Cause you're the only one." (2)
"You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in
Your all the things that I desire you save me you complete me
You're the one true thing I know I can believe." (1)
"Never knew I could feel like this," Christian inhaled deeply as his grip on me tightened, showing he wanted this just as much as I did.
"Isabel?"
Only one voice could tear me apart from Christian at that moment.
Funny that that one person decided to visit us right then and there.
The moment of redemption had arrived.
My back against my room door, my knees against my chest where my bloody hands, now raw, rested, I had ran out of tears. There were no more tears for me to shed. All these years had built up to this moment, where I would be unable to save Gregory and everything that is dear to me. The one point in time that I need to cry the most and I have no more tears to shed.
In a few hours everyone would be arriving. Isabel would probably enter hand in hand with her lover, Christian, all grins and laughs, completely unaware of what was going to come. The one gift I give her, not of love, but of jealousy.
The candles in my room were fading now. The light of my life was almost out and I was inept to do anything to stop it. Left with the darkness as company, the only guarantee of the evening was that, as soon as this was over, Edmund would come for me.
"What is coming to me tonight?" I asked myself, looking down at my hands that were soaking my gown a deep crimson. "What awaits me after this night? Will Edmund be done with me? Will he finally decide to end his plots of murders with my own? Death seems so much more bright than the reality that surrounds me right now…"
I hit my head against the door once, recollecting everything that has passed between Gregory and me throughout our lives together. From the moment I first came to meet him, a shy girl not used to being noticed outside of the humdrum of my parents' chatter with other adults, to this morning when he gave me a token of everything I have done for him, the little I did to ensure his safety and well-being in my life.
Lifting up my hands, they rested on the necklace he had given me. As much as it hurt for my raw, bleeding flesh to come in contact with anything, I held on tightly, wanting to never let go of the one connection I shared with Gregory. The one tangible thing that I had that reminded me that I was somehow a part of his life and meant something to him.
Bringing myself to my feet and never releasing my hands from the necklace, I looked ahead at my vanity and the candles that were flickering its last few minutes before all light was eradicated around me.
"If I were a painter
I would paint my reverie
If that's the only way for you to be with me." (3)
Laughter accompanied me in my mind, as did hours upon hours of evenings and afternoons and mornings spent in company of Gregory. Days that might have been long forgotten in his mind but had rested in the core of my heart.
"We'd be there together
Just like we used to be
Underneath the swirling skies for all to see." (3)
How many times in my life had I dreamt of the day when Gregory would look at me and say that everything before was only days spent confirming the love that rested deep inside of him?
That this was it… this was real… and meant to last forever…
"And I'm dreaming of a place
Where I could see your face
And I think my brush would take me there
But only…" (3)
All that you thought you had loved before. The musician. The maid. That countless other women that intrigued you during your childhood and early manhood. Isabel. All of it was only to prepare you for a love that was better and stronger than all of those feelings that you experienced combined.
The love that I felt for you…
Would you ever even get to get the one present I had been meaning to give you all of my life?
Would it even mean anything to you after all of these other women?
"If I were a painter
And could paint a memory
I'd climb inside the swirling skies to be with you
I'd climb inside the skies to be with you." (3)
Stuck in the darkness now, I would have allowed it to consume me, if not for the one bit of illumination that lit up the shadows that surrounded me.
In my hands, a gem shined in the darkness, playing with some unknown light that flickered in the reflection of my vanity.
Even in the darkness of my life, a light shined faintly.
And it was the only light I needed to remind me that all was not yet lost.
"Isabel?" Gregory stepped further into Christian's house, a blank look on his face. "Still… rehearsing?"
"Gregory," I withdrew from Christian and sat down on a chair at the table where I had, a few hours ago, been laughing away with Christian in anticipation for the moment when Gregory would find out the truth.
This moment.
"What's happening here?" Gregory held out his hands, looking for me for an explanation, although the hurt on his face showed me he did not need my explanation to figure out the truth before his eyes.
"I can explain…"
"I'm asking Isabel!" Gregory cried out in interruption of Christian's small attempt to assist me. "Isabel… you… what are you doing?"
I buried my face in my hands as my fingers dug deep into my hair.
"You haven't been rehearsing, have you?"
"Gregory!" I rushed out of Christian's house in pursuit of the rapidly retreating figure until I had grabbed hold of his wrist. "Please…"
"What Isabel?" Gregory pulled his hand free. "What do you have to say to me now that your… lover… isn't present? That you have been having an affair behind my back? That you lied to me? That you… that you don't love me?"
His voice became feeble and meek.
"Oh Gregory," I reached out for him when I saw that I was not the only one crying, but he turned at my touch. "It wasn't meant to happen like this."
"How was it supposed to happen, Isabel? It doesn't matter when or how or where. You were going to do it one way or another."
"I didn't want to hurt you…" I tried to elucidate. "You… you do mean something to me. I didn't want to let you go. You… you mean something…"
"I didn't mean enough though," Gregory shook his head. "No. Whatever it was that I meant to you, Isabel, it wasn't enough to prevent you from lying and sleeping with Christian and pretending to love me when your affections are not yours to give anymore. You let me go the minute you went into the arms of Christian. The second that you found contentment with another man."
"Gregory!" I called, following him still. "Let me explain."
"Nothing else needs to be explained, Isabel." Gregory replied calmly, despite the tears that still made its presence known. "I do not need to know of why you did not see the necessity in telling me how you felt. I do not need to know what kept you feeding me lies and making me believe that you had every intention to marry me and remain devoted to me. I do not need to know anything about your affairs. All I need to know has already been said."
Left standing dumbfounded, my hands at my waist, I watched Gregory disappear into the crowd.
So lost was I in my own tears and guilt for what I had bestowed upon someone else that I did not notice Christian rest his hands on my shoulders comfortingly until he caught me when my knees buckled and collapsed beneath me, unable to sustain the culpability that weighed my body down.
Christian, seizing a firm grip on my arms, kept me on my feet, holding me together.
But it wasn't enough to stop the pain and tears when the uncontrollable remorse came.
1. Sarah Mclachlan "Push"
2. Bryan Adams "The Only One"
3. Norah Jones "Painter Song"