So It Goes

Chapter 3

Emotion

Turning on the charm

Long enough to get you by

You're still the same

You still aim high

"You. . . You remembered." Guileless eyes wide, not sure if she should be happy, as she once would have been, or afraid. To be afraid, to carry a grudge for all the times he'd tried to harm her just wasn't in her nature. Still, she couldn't exactly summon up joy at this moment, either.

"Actually," Han Seo archly lofted one feathery eyebrow, "I never forgot. For many things, I have a terrible memory." He waved a seemingly negligent hand (the one that wasn't locked around her wrist) in dismissal, "For example, I wouldn't be able to tell you the name of my last girlfriend. . . What was it anyway?" He slanted the question at Jeong Hyeop.

"Yeowon?"

"Oh yeah. Whatever. But when it comes to you, Ha Ji, I remember everything." His eerily gentle smile would have sent chills of fear coursing through the veins of a lesser woman, especially given the steely cool of his watchful eyes. Ha Ji, however, was not such a one to be intimidated, and most certainly not when she was already having a bad night.

"What the fuck?" She swore wrenching her wrist free from his hard fingers. "What game is this, you shithead? Why did you lie to me? It's a damned good things we're not friends anymore, otherwise, I might have to hate you." Blunt and to the point.

"That's my girl." He stubbed out his cigarette, allowing his relaxed posture to slowly grow more alert, more interested.

"I'm not your anything." She could feel her fists clenching, itching to hit something. Anything. Hard. Sin Uoo had been trying to train her to be less violent; said her way of settling things with her fists was juvenile and embarrassing. But at least it was straightforward. And hell did it feel good sometimes.

"Maybe not." Han Seo lowered his eyes as if in considered thought. Long eyelashes veiling that intensely steely gaze. "And how's that going for you? Got lover-boy over there trained to your command, have you?"

"You know he's not." Ha Ji glared.

"You noticed!" tones of mocking joy. "I'm so glad to see we've decided to be honest for once."

"Ha Ji, please!" Jeong Hyeop, intervening in the nick of time, to prevent Ha Ji from launching herself at Han Seo's throat.

"Some things never change."

"And some things do. Let me go, Jeong Hyeop." He did, and she stood back, arms crossed tensely, as if to prevent herself from lashing out. "What do you really want, Han Seo?"

"Ah! I do love a woman who comes straight to the point." Clapping his hands in an imitation of puerile enthusiasm. The clapping ending abruptly as his tone sobered, "We need to have a talk."

"A talk?" Ha Ji pretended innocence. Or maybe it wasn't even an act, "Now?" Looking over her shoulder. "I have to get back to Sin Uoo."

"Loverboy can wait." Han Seo sneered nastily, "I've waited forever." With the smooth motion of a striking snake, he lunged from out of his seat, grabbed Ha Ji's arms, pinned them behind her back, all before she could even react. "Now, now," he whispered in her ear, his soft breath tickling like some caricature of seduction, "You can kick all you want, but all it'll earn you is a broken arm." He twisted savagely, as if to demonstrate just how willing he was to hurt her. "Now, unlike that bastard over there," a deliberate jerk of his head, "I don't care if we make a scene. So go ahead, fight me. But I can tell, you've grown soft. . . too busy fucking to train, eh?" Was it illusion, or did more than a hint of bitterness cloud his tone, "Well, I haven't been neglecting my training. And unless you can make me laugh, there's no way you're going to win this."

"I know that!" she'd always known he was better than she, after all. "But I can scream for Sin Uoo."

"You never let anyone else fight your battles. Not the Ha Ji I know." Triumph colored his voice. He could feel her muscles flexing and straining against his grasp, the frantic desperation, as she tried to free herself. "Tell you what, you come with me, we have our little talk, then we can beat the shit out of each other, just like we used to. How does that sound?"

"Haven't you outgrown that yet?" Her tone was spiteful

"When did you learn to be such a bitch? Ah well, You don't fool me for a second. Come on." He pushed her forward, none too gently, at that. "Jeong Hyeop. Get us a private room, will you?"

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" A bit nervously. Not wanting his two friends to hurt each other any more.

"Perfectly, and watch the door will you? Don't want to be interrupted by loverboy over there. Now do we?"

Reluctantly, Jeong Hyeop bowed his head, and left to do Han Seo's bidding, as obedient as he'd ever been.

Roughly, Han Seo force-marched Ha Ji after Jeong Hyeop, and into the private lounge, that he'd soon procured. A swift kick slammed the door shut behind them, a twist and shove to send Ha Ji staggering away from him, and Han Seo relaxed, settling back into one of the deep couches lining the wall even as Ha Ji spun to face him, daggers in her glare.

"Would you like something to drink? Eat?" Han Seo tried out the old line with an ironic twist of his lips.

"Beer." Ha Ji crossed her arms sulkily, pacing across the small room, "Also some snacks. Please." added almost as an afterthought.

"Aren't you afraid I might poison you?" A speculative narrowing of his eyes as he lazily stood up and spoke the order through the door to the waiting Jeong Hyeop.

"I didn't have dinner." Ha Ji shrugged, as if that explained everything. For her it probably did.

"Of course." Han Seo stretched back out on the couch, running his eyes up and down the pacing figure in front of him, as if trying to memorize every angle, every curve; as if his eyes could devour her, find sustenance in the sight of her for his starving soul. Absentmindedly, he lit a fresh cigarette and inhaled deeply, buying himself time to collect suddenly scattered thoughts.

But Ha Ji was having none of it, "You wanted to talk. So Talk." She demanded, glancing unhappily at the closed door.

"Of course," Han Seo repeated, "Of course, I lied. I don't really want to talk. What good would that do?"

"What do you mean?" Ha Ji blinked in confusion, relaxing, almost against her will in his old familiar presence.

"Oh come now!" He laughed, harshly, "I thought we were being honest now! Don't play dumb! Don't make that face! Yes that one!" he was shouting now, and he didn't care, "How many years did you look up at me like that? Empty, Agreeable, Stupid. Dense as a fucking lead brick! Trusting! Why did you do that? Why do you do that still! Manipulative Bitch!" It came out more as a plea then a demand. Shaking fingers brought his cigarette back to his lips, a raspingly harsh breath as Ha Ji continued to look on in confusion, "Talk! Don't make me laugh. What did talk ever get us? Nothing but lies. A game that never ended. Talk! Ha! Let's fight!" he leapt from the couch, and assumed a combat stance.

In contrast, Ha Ji, who had, just seconds before, been tensed up and ready for violence, relaxed suddenly, and sat down abruptly on the floor. Perhaps the first time in her life that she'd refused a duel. "What's this really about?" Her voice was sad as she looked down at the floor, "You and I both know now, our fights were no more real than all the myths you told me. Why did you do that? Why did you lie to me for so long? Why did you make me feel so dumb?" Now it was she who was pleading, her questions echoing his own, "I always wondered why I had no friends. You told me it was because a jjang was supposed to be lonely. I wondered why other girls had admirers but I did not. You told me it was because I was ugly and unattractive. You said a jjang wasn't allowed to have relationships. I never understood. Why? I believed in you. I trusted you. But all of it was always a lie."

"The training was no lie." He interrupted quietly.

"Even that.' Ha Ji disagreed, still refusing to look up at him, but brandishing her left arm as a memento, "You never taught me to fight the way you do." The scars from her broken wrist had long since faded; the memories had not. And when she next spoke, her voice was cold, "You never taught me to fight dirty. To cripple your opponent before the fight, to weaken their resolve by destroying what they most hold dear. . ."

"And Sin Uoo was any better?" Furiously, "As I recall, he tried many of the same things I did, rape, murder, mutilation. . . And that wrist of yours, you think I wanted to hurt you? That was all his plan, too. Yet you forgave him. You fucking fell in love with the bastard, while he was trying to kill you!"

". . . I forgave you too. . ." It was hardly a whisper.

"But you never loved me." Flat, cold. An accusation.

"You never taught me how. You taught me everything else. But I never knew how to love."

"You loved him just fine!"

"I was so ashamed." Now tears were trickling down her cheeks, "I thought I'd let you down. . ."

"You had."

". . .I didn't know what love was, until he showed me. . ."

"I knew then . . .."

". . . And Then I knew. . . "

". . .I wanted you all to myself. . ."

". . .That I loved you too. . ."

". . . But it was too late. . ."

". . .But it was too late. . ."

". . .I'd already lost you. . ."

". . . You weren't who I thought you were. . ."

". . . You became someone that I didn't know . . ."

". . .You became someone that I didn't know. . . "

At last, they spoke in synchrony, ". . .You never were."

"But I would have loved you anyway!" as if in refutation.

"Not the way you loved him!"

"The way I thought you wanted me to!"

"You always were an idiot." And suddenly, he was standing over her, fists clenched at his side.

"You're as much to blame! Why don't you take some responsibility?"

"I do. Every single fucking day." He glared down at her, as if his gaze could pin her to the floor, "But I intend to remedy that. Right now. And then you'll never again be able to say, you didn't know what I wanted."

"What do you mean?" Now her eyes were wide, suspicious. No blank look of stupidity there. He could have gazed into those eyes forever, caught by her clarity.

He couldn't let himself be trapped like that. Han Seo needed control. He was the player of games. Not the pawn here. Abruptly he lashed out, one heavy fist swinging, knocking her own defense aside, impacting with the side of her skull. The pain of broken knuckles, the knowledge of a job well done.

Han Seo watched, a feeling like tears in his eyes, as Ha Ji slumped unconscious to the ground. "I should have killed you then, I should have killed myself." Bitterly, he wiped a trembling hand across his face. "It never gets any better than this." She was his drug, his addiction, and he craved her like salvation. She was his apotheosis and his ruin. She was beautiful.

Han Seo crouched down next to the unconscious girl. He hadn't hit her that hard, with her constitution, she'd be up within minutes. He doubted she'd even have a concussion. But a few minutes was all he needed. Han Seo leaned over, brushed his hand across Ha Ji's downy cheek, traced the curve of her jaw with one nicotine-stained finger, leaned closer in, the finger gently outlining the scars from where she'd broken her nose, where she'd been kicked in the forehead, caught a set of brass knuckled across her cheek bone. His breath rasped through his throat, his heart pulsing as though it would explode. He knew this catalogue of scars, each and everyone. He reached out, lifted her arm, eyes searching, scanning, this blemish and that, all the way to her once fractured wrist. Han Seo brought it closer, brushed his lips across her skin, the salty taste of her sweat lingering on his tongue.

Just this once, and damn the consequences, he would worship her the way she should have been. His creation; his wayward doll.

For he knew, he could never move on. She had his heart and always would. He couldn't be any more damned. For all the times he'd tried and failed to take her. For all the pain and hurt and hate. For the blood, and the violence, and the words it hurt him to say. All the life that he could not forget. He could take none of it back, And he was damned.

Han Seo shuddered. The one girl who hurt him more than any punishments his family could devise. She would be the death of him. He would be the death of her. Gently, he ran his fight-scarred hands down her arms, down her ribs, and down to her waist. Trembling fingers unbuttoned her blouse, pulled it away, used it to bind her wrists above her head. He heard her first moan as he impatiently cut through her bra with the switchblade he always carried.

"Rape again?" She almost hid the tremor in her groggy voice, "Haven't you anything new to try?"

"Shh. . ." Han Seo reached out one iron-muscled arm to more firmly pin down the now-squirming girl.

"He'll come for me." Ha Ji promised, trying to get her foot around to kick him in the crotch. "He always does."

"I taught you to save yourself." Han Seo frowned savagely, ripped her skirt off in one impatient jerk. He didn't want to hear about Sinn Uoo, "Don't tell me you're so weak now, you can't even throw off one man."

"Not when that one man is you." She glared defiantly up at her attacker, as if unfazed that she was now naked beneath his burning gaze.

"You could at least try." He couldn't hide the melancholy in his voice as he turned away,

"And give you the satisfaction? Ha! I don't think so."

"Satisfaction? What do you know of satisfaction, little girl? What do you know of me?" Han Seo turned back, his free hand reaching out to cup Ha Ji's breast roughly. "Does this give you satisfaction? It doesn't me. Or do you want this?" the hand descending between her thighs. "I didn't think so." He pulled his hand away, "But this. . ." tracing a long jagged scar down her ribs. From being beaten with a bat, "Do you remember this?" He leaned in closer, dusting feather light kisses behind the tracing of his fingertips, "You fought gloriously, and won. "Or this?" a small blemish on her shoulder, where she'd once landed on broken glass, "Have you learned to watch where you fall?" he kissed it as well. And on. The catalogue of her body. She'd never known that he'd memorized every scar, every inch so well. And when he began to work his way up from her crookedly healed toe, to the patchwork of her knees, to the battle scars of her thighs, she almost forgot to breathe. Her struggling had long since lapsed, and it was only in the distant back of her mind that she wondered where Sinn Uoo was, and why he hadn't found her yet.

"No new scars." Han Seo whispered huskily, looking up at Ha Ji from between her parted legs, "I knew you saved yourself for me."

Ha Ji shuddered, suddenly afraid once ore of the violence in his tone. She'd been lulled as it were, by his breathy recital, by his fingers and lips on her skin, by the way he knew her so intimately. Knew her body better than Sinn Uoo ever could, no matter how often they made love.

"You forgot one." Ha Ji raised her chin proudly, refusing to be cowed.

"No I didn't." Han Seo shook his head, lay himself down along side of her, dragged his hand slowly up, along the swell of her belly and up the ladder of her ribs, to end where it had begun, cupping her breast, "I saved the best for last."

The secretly bleeding wound of her broken heart.

No one was supposed to know.

But how could he forget, when it beat in such agonizing counterpoint to his own?

TBC